Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Two houses

I have wanted to live in Boulder all of my adult life and now I do. Not only that but I live in my dream house. Our house was built as if expressly for Gary and I.
Because I tend to focus on what's missing, I have looked hard to find what is missing and haven't yet. It sure messes with that strategy. I still go to Denver on Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday to work and participate in my other activities here. I have even put, " This is my Denver counseling office on my phone message." My Denver house , although I still love and appreciate it doesn't feel like home anymore. My new house in Boulder feels like paradise. I love being up in the hills and the view is so soothing to me. The truth is that even though I feel incredibly blessed to live there, it doesn't feel like home either. It is hard for me to talk about this on my blog because I judge myself, "How can I be whining about not being at home in either of my two houses? Give me a break. Some people would give anything to have one house. What a greedy little brat you are." This is another opportunity to notice how strong my judging mind is and how unkind I can be to myself and to practice conscious kindness with myself.I can soothe myself by saying to myself, "I am here for you with what you are feeling." and go down into my body to feel the emptiness that is underneath the story. Feeling the emptiness lets me know I am moving really fast and have been disconnected from myself. I am even typing this blog really fast because I have been immersed in the sense of not having enough time since I began to live in two houses. It seems so challenging to do all I need to do in both places and to remember what I need to have when I am going from one house to another. My daughter grew up with two houses from the time her father and I split up when she was six and a half. She would leave a piece of clothing she wanted at her other house and all of her feelings of anger and grief would come tumbling out. It gives me a lot more empathy for what she went through. I also know that feeling like a place being home takes time. Maybe it takes a whole year of going through all of the events that occur in a year. Maybe feeling at home developes gradually a little at a time until one day there is a realization of a deeper sense of comfort and safety. It is an adjustment to live with Gary. I am used to only really relaxing when I am by myself. I have been noticing my rules about what I can and can't do when I am around him and bringing awareness to them. Some I am ready to challenge and some I notice and table action on them for later. I have started calling my friends and family around him and I haven't started going to yoga classes when we are together. At least I am no longer picking a fight with him to get alone time. That is progress. I am so used to us seeing each other so infrequently that I need to relax into knowing there is enough time for me to do what I want to do. That is the pervasive theme in my life right now, that I run around acting as if there isn't enough time to relax and do what I want to do. The first step is to notice the urgency and breathe into it. I paused from writing this and took three deep breaths. In the middle I looked at my clock and started to figure out if I could make juice, call Gary at his Mom's and get to my Wings group on time. This slowing down process could takes some serious work. It's not that I wasn't urgent before. It seems like the urgency division of my ego identity has run amuck. Compassion is needed. Conscious kindness would be to notice the urgency and show up for myself lovingly rather than judging myself for it. The urgency police will not help with the sense of urgency. Forgiveness and acceptance will help. I notice that accepting being overwhelmed makes life less overwhelming. I think part of this adjustment is to continue to set clear priorities about what is important to me to do and what is less important. Also having patience with myself as I adjust to my new life will be helpful. I want to remember to say woo hoo to myself each time I notice the urgency and each time I allow myself to breathe deeply, too. Writing this blog is very important and I am very grateful to have this forum to share my process and see it reflected back to me. I appreciate your reading this. I wish you all a New Year filled with conscious kindness, taking care of yourself and showing up for yourself to experience whatever is in your path.
With love,

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