bread in a hardware store

I am leaving town today to go visit my sister and my mother in New Mexico. I am breathing and attempting to move through my list of things to do before I go. This morning lying in bed I breathed into the affirmation, There is plenty of time for me. I even did a little deeksha blessing with myself asking to be connected to divine energy. I purposely chose to take a late afternoon flight so I would have some time this morning to do my practices, get myself centered, and prepare for the trip without being in a panic. When I am rushing around urgently I forget things I need. One time when I was going to the hotsprings with Monnya, my daughter, I was so frantic getting ready to leave I forgot her suitcase. Being aware of my breath and what I am feeling now will help me to end up in New Mexico with enough underpants. I bring lots of my own food that has to be cooked because I am staying with my sister who lives in a town without a reliable health food store. This morning I have gotten a lot done in a fairly relaxed manner. When I am off center writing this blog I can tell because I make so many typos it takes twice as long to write. It's as if my fingers are telling me they won't work without breath. They are working quite well as I focus my concentration on typing mindfully. Writing this blog is helping me to prepare for my trip. Thank you for listening.
Last night was my chanting group Spirit Song. We meditate together, then we check-in with each other and then we chant and improvise. In my check-in I shared my nervousness about my trip. My mother has alzheimer's and it is painful for me to be with her unless I let go of any expectations. When I have let go of wanting her to be different and accepted her for who she is, I have enjoyed myself and her. I even felt great love and compassion for her much more than I did when she was her former loving yet extremely crical other self. Spending many hours a day for three days in a place where everyone has alzheimer's is a challenge for me. I have to do alot of grounding and protection to not end up feeling drained and exhausted. The thing is I know how to do grounding and protection and I just need to do it. When I have I have been OK. I can trust that I will do a good enough job even in the midst of worrying that I won't.
The other thing I am nervous about is that there is noone there I can talk to about my feelings. It isn't something my sister is comfortable with. When I have been emotionally vulnerable with her we both end up feeling misunderstood and exhausted. We get to a point where we agree to disagree. I respect her and love her and we share a passion for yoga. I appreciate that she does a lot of caretaking for my mother. My sister and I are very different and I am grateful that we have each other to learn from even though our relationship is challenging for both of us.
After I shared my nervousness with the group my friend Val said that when she was an intern and working a lot with family of origin issues her supervisor said to her. " Don't look for bread in a hardware store." Howmany times have I looked to my family of origin to be heard and validated? How many times have I put , Andie ,my little girl inside's neck on the chopping block looking for bread in a place where they sell tools. There is nothing wrong with selling tools. That's what they do in a hardware store. But if I'm hungry for bread that is not the place to look.
Val said that when she visits her family of origin she calls her partner for support and they talk for an hour each night. I am going to let Gary know that I want his support in that way this weekend. He will gladly do that. My partner and my friends are my bakery. They sell bread there. I get to have my feelings be listened to and validated. After that I am open to feedback and can hear it non-defensively more and more. My family of choice is where I get to be me. Andie is safe with them. I am blessed. It is sometimes hard to ask for support but it is way better to stretch and ask for help from people who want to help me than to try to eat nails. Are there people in your life that you could reach out to so that you won't be looking for bread in a hardware store?