Wednesday, June 16, 2010


My sister and I decided to go to Tucson this past weekend. She drove five hours from Alamogordo, New Mexico and I flew. She picked me up from the airport and we went straight to the trauma unit of the hospital. Our brother Ben had been moved out of ICU after a week following his bicycle accident. His nurse had reported to us on Friday that he had been responsive when she went in his room. She said not to get our hopes up because often brain injured patients are responsive and then go back to being unresponsive.
It felt good to both of us to make this trip. I know we supported each other in making our plans and moving into action to leave the next morning.
When we arrived at the hospital Ben was completely unresponsive. It was as if he was in a deep sleep which he couldn't be awakened from. Looking at him it was hard to tell that he was injured. There were no bruises or cuts on his body.
He had sustained internal head injuries and we were told it would be difficult to tell the extent of the damage to his brain until the swelling went down. I thought there was some way to know the extent of the damage with some kind of brain scan. What we were told is that recovery is measured by recovery.
The second day we were there Ben woke up and seemed to understand who we were and what had happened. He could nod yes or no and seemed to be tracking cognitively. He could wiggle his toes and fingers and seemed impatient to be able to talk and eat. The next day he seemed to glaze over and not be tracking. When we left it seemed he had no idea who we were. The nurse asked him and he didn't know nor could he count. Today when I called the nurse she said they had changed his trach tube and put a cap on it so he could talk. I could hear him mumbling incoherently in the background. I did many Deeksha treatments with him while I was there. It felt good to be able to do something when there was nothing else I could do. In some ways he probably was more receptive than he would have been when he was conscious because of his skepticism about spirituality. I checked in with my guidance to make sure it was OK to give him Deeksha. I got that even if he didn't want to live, hooking up with universal energy couldn't harm him. It was hard not to know what is going to happen to my brother. I hope he'll come back. I felt a lot of love for him this weekend. As I look at the tasks that need to be done to support his healing process I will be aware of what I can give open heartedly without resentment.
The social worker said the person who exists after a brain injury is often not the same person who existed before the injury and therefore it is a good time to start over with a relationship. What I want to do is send my brother love and do what I can.
Loving with clear boundaries is a more effective kind of love than loving with no boundaries. The potential is for love with boundaries to be empowering to both people. I learn over and over that when I take care of myself it allows me to show up for others in a real way that isn't about guilt and obligation and is more about caring and compassion. I am trusting that all of Ben's guides will help him with his healing process whatever form it may take. I know they don't need for him to believe in them to do that. I am going on a four day meditation retreat on Friday. It is my intention to be as present as I can during the retreat and to send healing energy to my brother Ben. If you feel moved to put him into your thoughts and prayers I would greatly appreciate that.

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