love without guilt

Sister of incapacitated brother. It's hard to take that in. That's what I've had to write on the application forms to allow my brother Ben to qualify for long-term care. His cognitive impairment from his bicycle accident earlier this month is severe. For the past week he has been mumbling incoherently and not making any sense when asked a question. Physically he has been recovering well. He can walk and feed himself and looks unharmed if you just look at his body. The social worker told me that one of the nurses thought he was a visitor until he opened his mouth to speak. I have been in contact with several helpful people at the long-term care facility where Ben is now. The social worker has been kind and patient, answering my many questions. Today they called to authorize continuing meds for agitation,anxiety and depression. The head of his unit said Ben was confused and yelling at people who are trying to help him. He pulled out his foley catheter which could have been very painful but apparently wasn't. I can imagine how scary it must be for him to not understand what is going on. The have an occupational therapist working with him and a speech therapist is waiting for approval from his insurance. I feel helpless. I am doing all I can from here. I know the best I can do is good enough. It's hard to imagine my brother not making sense when he talks. He was always a big talker. One of the reasons I have mostly been in e-mail contact with him is because he could go on and on about his life unendingly. It was difficult for him to listen. I had asked him to ask how I was doing in addition to talking about himself and he was really trying. My heart hurts for him. I hope he's not suffering too much. I hope he will recover enough to return to the community and live a satisfying life. It is hard not to know what will happen. I have to let go of my pictures and trust that his healing process will look like whatever it looks like. I am holding a vision of Ben enjoying his life. Next month his neurologist will meet with him and do some assessing of the condition of his brain with a CAT scan and evalute his cognitive functioning. This is all so sad. I don't even think I am taking it all in yet.
Sometimes it is a challenge to enjoy my life with all I have knowing what is happening with my brother. On the other hand I know that experiencing my gratefulness and the celebration of all of my blessings creates loving energy.
Then I can send love to my brother without feeling guilty.