Heeding the call

I am home from my silent women's meditation retreat. I loved being in silence. It takes so much of the pressure of trying to hear away.This was my first all women's retreat. I enjoyed being in the company of 25 fellow female seekers. Terry, the teacher has white hair down to her waist and is a role model for aging with grace. The theme of the weekend was opening to what is with mindfulness in the body. Terry gave an inspiring talk about being with the sensation in your body of whatever is arising- not for the purpose of getting it to go away but rather to explore and embrace the present moment.
Today the peace quote I received was a sign from a casino which read, "You have to be present to win." I loved that. The idea of being present is even making its way to casinos.
Whatever it is we are thinking or feeling can be followed down into the body to a sensation and examined with presence. I got to experience the tightness around my chest that happens when I am worrying about what others think of me. As a sensation it was the experience of constriction and difficulty breathing fully as if my breath was catching itself on a nail along the way. When I noticed a story I was making up about what someone else thought of me or would or might think of me I let go of the story, sooner or later, and moved down into my body. Bringing mindful presence, or witnessing without judging, to what was happening in my body either allowed it to release or opened to the next layer beneath it. I felt how afraid and tense I was being around other people so much. It is challenging for me to relax around other people. This time I didn't try to get myself to relax. I went down into my anxiety and felt the tension in my body. I could feel the lifelong tight muscles in my neck and jaw. I could feel the scared little girl inside of me protecting herself from being hit with the vigilance of holding her body tight. I soothed her with my presence and asked her to stay with the feeling. It was so healing to let go of trying to get myself to have a different experience than I was having and to dive in to my experience in my body in that moment. I could feel the protective layers of armoring around my heart with which I keep myself from being known. I became more deeply aware that what I was thinking that someone else was thinking about me was really what I thought of myself. So I would notice myself thinking that someone else was judging me for how fast I was moving around. I would see that thought as a projection of my own judgement and take it back and own it. Terry suggested that rather than explore why we were feeling something to look at where we were feeling it in our bodies. My judgement of my pace was tightness around my heart. I could feel my heart closing to myself and that was sad. It also was what was happening in that moment. When I couldn't sleep at night I hung out with how tight and constricted my stomach felt. I placed my hands on my stomach, which is very soothing to the nervous system and let myself feel my fear and anger about not being able to sleep. Eventually I slept. I also felt moments of my heart expanding with pure joy. I loved taking in all of the beauty of the gorgeous mountain setting. There were several booming thunderstorms with heavy rain. It felt as if the thunder was punctuating our process with an exclaimation point.
The other thing I got from the retreat was a deeper understanding of the connection between righteousness and lack of self-worth. Attachment to being right and trying to be in control are two ways to protect myself from my fear that there is something wrong with me. Exploring that fear of my fatal flaw was also part of the tension around my heart. Being with it allowed me to explore the depth of it without getting lost in the story that there must be something wrong with me for thinking there is something wrong with me.
What would it be useful for you to be mindful of in your body? What sensation in your body is calling for your attention? Would you be willing to heed its call?