Missing

I am preparing to leave on my silent women's weekend vipassana meditation retreat this Friday. I have never attended a vipassana retreat that is all woman and I am really looking forward to it. I'll write about it when I return. I am hoping to quiet down inside and feel more balanced. I would like to be able to be preesent with what my experience is , whatever my experience is. It is easy for me to judge some feelings as good like happiness and joy and some as bad like fear, anger and sadness. The next step is if I am feeling the good ones it is good and I am good. When the bad ones rear their ugly heads it is bad and I am bad.
I went to a oneness blessing with my friend Ginger on Monday. Deeksha is a laying on of hands to impart the energy of oneness to the recipient. After the blessings she spoke of her teacher telling them about the importance of being with the energy of emotion rather than judging them as good or bad or themselves as good or bad for feeling them. She talked about hanging out and being with and breathing into the energy of the emotion and the sensation in the body rather than the story. It was validating for me to hear this because it is what I have been believing and intermittently practicing. For instance, when Gary was on his backpacking meditation retreat last week I really missed him. Missing him felt bad. I judged myself for being too dependant on him. In the past when I missed someone I often would distract myself by getting busy and not thinking about it and pretending I didn't feel it. This time I decided to just feel the missing even though it felt bad. As I sat with the sensation which was a tightness in my chest and stomach, it went from bitter to bitter sweet to sweet. I realized that missing Gary was a function of my love for him and my enjoyment of his company. It wasn't that I am weak and sniviling and need to get a life. I have a rich full life and was enjoying myself without him and I missed him. Even though it was still achey I imagined it was the ache of my heart breaking open and that felt expansive and joyful.
It's also possible to miss a person even though you don't want to spend time with them or think the relationship is healthy for you. It's just as important to experience that missing too. Feeling the sensations of the missing allows them to release and clarity about just why it is that you left to emerge. Missing someone isn't good or bad, it just is. Paying attention to the feelings and honoring yourself for having them leads to greater compassion for yourself.
Greater compassion for yourself is always a good thing. Is there someone or something that you miss? Would you be willing to let yourself feel it without judging the missing or yourself as being good or bad?