gratefulness

I think something is wrong with my computer. It's moving very slowly and it might not work to write this now. We'll see. I so feel at the mercy of technology sometimes. When something seems to be going wrong I try what I know and hope for the best. I guess that's always true. With relationships when something seems to be going wrong I also try what I know and hope for the best. The difference is that my tool box is much more extensive and my confidence in my experience is greater. Probably the extent to which we are effective in different areas of our lives has something to do with how much we are willing to try something and mess up. A signal just came on and told me that my computer was unprotected and asked me to push a button that said fix now to fix it. Then it said it was fixed. What if it were that easy with relationship issues? Maybe it is. When I sense that something is wrong in an important relationship it makes sense to check out my intuition. First I ask myself, "Am I projecting?"
In other words is something going on in me that needs my attention rather than it actually going on outside of me. I check that out get a yes and clear it or get a no and plan what is next. I often ask the other person for a reality check. For example," I am making up a story that you are angry with me. Is that true?" If the answer is yes I thank them for telling me and ask if they would be willing to tell me more. Then I listen as attentively and non-defensibly as I can. Then I validate that I can understand that they could feel that way. Gary is getting really good at trusting his intuitiion when he senses I am angry with him. Sometimes I feel so high maintenence that I want to work things through on my own first before I talk to him but I am not making much progress. When he asks me to share it with him it is with the understanding that we can use the resolution of the conflict to get closer. I appreciate that he is listening to his intuition and supporting me in clearing things with him. I think being willing to work on a relationship and using the relationship to grow is my most important value in a partner. He is so much more able to listen attentively and non-defensively, too. It gives me so much more space to be all of myself even the parts I would just as soon send to Siberia. Gary is a good at being able to not take things personally.
I am a good teacher for him in providing lots of things coming at him to practice not taking them personally. It is really easy for me to focus on what is missing and ignore what is there. Gratefulness is focusing on what is there.
Yesterday I felt very grateful. Gary and I went on a long hard hike to Blue Lake. I haven't done a harder hike all summer. I felt a combination of fear and excitement. It was a gorgeous day and everything was so green. I felt as if I were in emerald city. The wildflowers were more vibrant than I ever remember them being at this time of year. I am grateful for all of the moisture we have been getting. I am grateful to my body for carrying me up the mountain and down without too much discomfort. I am grateful to have a partner who has nature as his temple as I do. I am grateful for the breathtaking beauty that exists less than an hour away and for the time to go hiking on a Monday. I am grateful for the comraderie that exists between people immersing themselves in that beauty. Strangers feel free to talk to each other about the flowers and terrain. I highly recommend getting up into the mountains for a hike. It opens the heart and expands the soul. When things go wrong as they inevitabley do I have that mountain hit to reflect back on and use as an antidote to the stress and chaos of city life. My body mind and spirit all remember and smile as I am back in the meadow surrounded by purple and yellow wildflowers feeling one with all there is. Would you be willing to carve out some time for a walk in nature? It is especially important if you feel you are too busy to.