Monday, September 21, 2009

forgiveness

I am excited to write tonight. I have just emerged from two weeks of feeling like my heart has been in a vise grip. When my heart is shut down I use my entire life to prove there is something wrong with me. When I am in the midst of this abject self hate the voice of my ego-mind seems to be the total truth. It all started two weeks ago on Friday when Gary and I went to the worst theapy session of my life. Both of us were doing the autopilot dance of our egoes while the therapist mostly sat passively observing on the sidelines listening and reflecting back to us. After the session I felt disappointed, frustrated and hopeless. For two weeks I have been angry, filled with blame and wanting to bolt. I called and communicated my feelings to the therapist and we won't be going back. It made it harder that no matter how much Gary apologized I couldn't forgive him. I felt betrayed by him, myself , the therapist and the theraputic process I hold so dear. I decided that Gary did not want to work on himself and since that is my most important value, I couldn't continue to be with him. I plotted exit strategies in my mind. Things were complicated by our upcoming week's vacation which I was dreading. Last night I had a dream that when I woke up helped me to see my part in what had happened and to view the whole experience with more clarity. I am so grateful for this dream and inspired to do more dreamwork. This morning we talked and talked and finally cleared things. I realized I was blaming Gary and shutting him out of my heart. I spoke my truth from my heart and finally felt heard enough to let go of the past and come back to the present. When Gary isn't being defensive he is a really good listener and is very committed to growing. We both took responsibility for our parts and held each other with respect. My love for him came pouring back in the magic of both of us being present in our hearts at the same time. When we first met we made a vow to support each other's growth. Sometimes it feels so difficult as a loving flawed human being to be in a relationship with another loving flawed human being. Sometimes it is the best life has to offer. I read an article on forgiveness today in which the author said that forgiveness can be the freedom that allows the forgiver to let go of the past and move on. I have the experience that Gary is on my side again. I am relieved to be back in the relationship with both feet. I am so much happier. I led Laughter Yoga today and Gary came with me. Because my heart was open it was so joyful to lead Laughter Yoga. For the first time I didn't feel self-conscious that Gary was there, I enjoyed having him there. When my ego popped up and let me know that noone was enjoying themselves and that the laughter exercises I had spontaneously created were lame, I recognized that voice as my ego, soothed myself and moved on. I felt inspired by chosing to be present anyway in the midst of my inner critic and the session flowed with love.
Do you know what your negative core belief is? What is the belief about yourself that you hold against yourself and sometimes use your life to prove it is true? How could you interrupt that habitual dance? What positive belief is as true or truer than the negative one? For me my negative belief is that there is something wrong with me and that something is that I am incapable of loving. The belief that is as true or truer is that I am filled with great love and that it is safe to share that love with myself and others, including my partner. If you are moved give this some thought. What would your life be like if you believed the new belief that
affirms your magnificense? What would be the first step in acting as if it were true?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

An insightfull post. Will definitely help.

Thanks,
Karim - Positive thinking

Anonymous said...

Very thoughtfull post on belief .It should be very much helpfull.

Thanks,
Karim - Creating Power