Monday, September 20, 2010


We went to see the site that used to be Gary's house on Thursday. It was shocking. I have never seen a burnt down house before except on the news. I have especially never seen the burnt down house of someone who I love. It was heartbreaking to see the charred remains of Gary's material possessions. He loved beauty and the house was filled with beautiful artwork. We had hopes that some of his rocks or the machinery he used to create his stones would be salvagable. The big grinding machines and saws were all melted. He could recognize which one was which but I couldn't. A small percentage of his rocks may be OK. He had been collecting what's called rough, or rocks from which to cut his stones for thirty five years. Most of it is gone. It is hard to believe how hot the fire must have been to melt and crack rocks. I am in awe of the power of this fire. Traveling up there we saw hills charred by the fire next to trees that weren't touched and houses burnt to the foundation next to houses left untouched by fire or smoke. One person did a lot of fire mitigation and his trees were all saved but his house burned up. Another person treated his home with some kind of fire retardent foam and it saved his home, diverted the fire and saved some of his neighbors' homes. The donation centers are filled with stuff and many volunteers wanting to help. Everyone is being so kind. Gary's men's group is rallying around him to do what they can. So are family and friends. People are donating furniture to help Gary furnish a new home. He will stay with me temporarily. He is a mountain man and being in Denver is very hard on him. I can't imagine what it would be like for him to lose everything and then be stuck in a city without his home to go back to. At least I have my house for us to live in for now. At least we love each other and I can support him in going through this. At least neither of us was hurt and both of us are healthy. At times I feel waves of gratefulness for all of that. One really good thing is the doubts I have been plagued with about committing to this relationship for five years have dissolved. I feel a deep tenderness for Gary. I want to take care of him and love him and grow with him. I feel blessed that I get to. I know it is possible that the doubts will be back and I also know I can feel deep love and fear at the same time. I have a renewed sense of trust in my choice to be with Gary. It's such a relief to be more relaxed about all of this. Now I have more energy to live my life. That is good.
My kids Monnya and Isaac came over on Saturday for three hours to help me to declutter my artroom and be able to give Gary some space in my house. Every orifice in my house was stuffed to the brim with my stuff and his donated stuff was everywhere.
Monnya and Isaac were so helpful and organized and I feel like I have my house back even bettter than before the fire. They brought us flowers and their sweet and helpful energy and strong bodies. My heart overflows with love and gratitude for their help. This is a more welcoming place for us to live now.
For Gary and I our spiritual connection has been strethened through this hardship and our love has deepened. We have seen each other at our worst and it is OK. I am inspired by Gary's courage to do what he needs to do to rebuild his life. Maybe not the life he had but rather a new life emerging out of the ashes like a phoenix. Have you ever had anything happen from which you emerged from the ashes to recreate your new life? What was it and how did it transform you?

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