FIRE

Maybe I should write this in red. My heart is heavy tonight. My loving partner Gary had his house burn down in the four-mile fire.We were there. We received a call that a small fire had caught down the hill from his house and that they were doing voluntary evacuations. We had about 40 minutes to get stuff out of the house. It was surreal: both of us knew the house would burn and were in denial about it really happening at the same time.We got some of Gary's navajo rugs and some of his stones. There are so many things in hindsight we could have saved. In the midst of trauma it is amazing the level of mush a brain can be in. It is the body's protection from letting in the pain.
He was trying to spray water with a hose to save his house. The sherrif came and told us we had to leave right then because the house would be toast in five minutes. I could see a wall of flame pulsating 200 feet above the trees about 200 yards from the house. I drove my car up the driveway shaking so hard it was a challenge to find the pedals. When I got to the top of the driveway I screamed for about five minutes. Gary was still down there watering his house trying to protect it from the impending inferno. I ran down yelling "get out, get out!" Finally he decided he had done what he could and drove up the driveway.
I wish I would have thought to get his stones polishing in the tumbler in the basement. They were the fruits of four months of hard work. The day before he had shown them to me. Although not finished, they were beautiful. His specialty is cutting rocks into stones with what look like pictures of nature in them. An especially beautiful one looked like a mountain scene with a tree in the background. It's so easy to play could-a would-a should-a about the past.
Over one hundred and thirty homes were lost in this fire. Sometimes I think about all of those people and all the living that happened in those houses-all the lovemakling and arguments and birthdays, laughter and tears. Gary and his ex-wife built their house together 35 years ago. The builder friend that helped them lost his house in the fire too. He was fighting the fire even after his own house had burned and saw Gary's house burnt to the ground. That's how Gary knew his house had burned before official notification. Even though it is happening to Gary, it is still hard to imagine what it would be like to lose everything. He was saying that it is hard to tell people because they get so uncomfortable. I think that is because it triggers our pain about what it would be like to have it happen to us. All of us believe that something like having our houses burn down happens to someone else, not to us. I know Gary believed that. Hopefully the fire will be out soon and we will be able to go up there. I know seeing the site will bring a deeper level of grieving because the loss will be more real. I hope I get to be with him and I hope I can be supportive.
He is staying with me. We have both lived alone for twenty years. It is very challenging to be living together under these circumstances, sort of like forced cohabitation. Maybe we never would have done it otherwise until we had adjoining rooms in a rest home someday. The best thing about our relationship is that we are able to work through anything together- even this.
Gary feels scared and lost and he is also growing in confidence. The relief services people have been generous and he has been receptive and asking for what he wants and needs. That was hard for him before. Out of this experience he is more aware of how loved he is because of all the support pouring out to him from friends and family. Although this is definitely an FGO ( fucking growth opportunity) he can already see that although losing all of his stuff is a great loss, it was just stuff.
He even made a joke that he woke up that morning and decided to declutter.
For me it is a challenge to set aside my own stuff and show up for him consistently. The first few days I was taking a lot personally. I felt abandoned,
like he didn't like me anymore. After a good therapy session I could see that he was having a normal reaction to trauma and show up more open heartedly. I am learning to let go of my pictures of how things are supposed to be and to open to what is. I am learning that I can feel deep love and fear at the same time. I am learning that I am safe from the inside and that I am enough.
Gary now has a whole new wardrobe of donated clothes which are much nicer than his old ones. He looks lovely in his new clothes and feels good about himself in them. I wish it could have happened another way. And this is what happened. In the midst of his pain, I am inspired at how he is using his grieving process to grow spiritually. I will miss his beautiful light-filled house and especially the shower that he tiled himself using tile pictures of people dancing.
I will miss hiking right outside his door to a rock outcropping and meditating there together. We're not sure what will happen next. Are any of us ever? Thanks for listening. Is there a loss that you have suffered that ended up being an FGO?
Acknowledge yourself for taking the opportunity.