Food

I want to write. I don't want to eat when I am not hungry. I am feeling anxious and I know that expressing myself creatively will help me to feel less anxious. I can't think of anything to write about. I forgive myself for not being able to think of anything to write about. I forgive myself for writing anyway even though I think I have nothing to write about.
I forgive myself for eating when I am not hungry. I forgive myself for rationalizing that I am eating healthy food so it doesn't matter if I'm not hungry. I forgive myself for feeling restless and empty and not knowing what to do with myself.
Restless and empty
I don't know
What to do with myself
So I eat.
It could be worse. I could be shooting heroin. I could be mainlining chocolate doughnuts. I could be blaming my relationship for not making me happy. I closed the refridgerator and am feeling empty and restless and writing about it. Lucky you for getting to read all of this.
Maybe you are lucky. How often do people get real about what is going on with them? It is always helpful to me to hear about someone else's stuff. I feel so much less alone. Sharing this with you I feel more connected and less alone. It's nice to know that someone is listening. Reaching out feels good. It's hard to reach out when things don't feel good. It's easier to pretend that they do feel good or to complain about the situation rather than share my feelings and be emotionally vulnerable.
I am breathing deeply focusing on the exhale. Now I am humming on the exhale. I remember that when nothing feels right, it's time to do nothing. I am restless and edgy and I need to go rest and be with myself and be quiet. I have been resisting that by thinking I needed to do something. I am tired and I want to rest. When I am tired it is easy for me to think I am hungry. When I am cold it is easy for me to think I am hungry. When I am thirsty it is easy for me to think I am hungry. When I am full it is easy for me to think I am hungry. In the book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman talks about women who mistake many feelings for hunger. They are medicating their feelings under food. I am one of them. It is important for me to be mindful when I think I need to eat. Instead of kneejerking toward food I want to pay attention to what is going on inside me underneath the story of my desire for food. When I tune into my body right now I can feel my fatigue. I worked with a lot of people today. I am depleted and need to rest and no amount of coconut butter will revive me. I am going to rest now. Thank you for listening. It does help to write. Creative expression is very useful. What is your relationship with food like? Is there a way you are medicating feelings by eating? Some people medicate feelings by not eating when they are hungry. Notice your relationship with food and see what you can learn about yourself.