Contempt

I went to a very useful workshop on relationships last Friday given by Terry Real. The thing I most got out of it was the idea that contempt takes two forms. One form of contempt is grandiosity where the contempt is directed toward another person. This type of contempt results in blame and judgement and the lack of taking responsibility for our own behavior. We go one- up and feel better than the other person and make excuses for our behavior based on blame. I blew up at you because you were criticizing me.The second type of contempt is shame. That type of contempt is directed against ourselves. It results in blaming ourselves and thinking we are crappy people and/or there is something wrong with us. With shame we often go one-down and feel inadequate and inferior to others. Most people do both kinds of contempt, yet major in one and minor in the other. Contempt is a knee jerk defensive reaction to discomfort or pain. This fit in with the other valuable gem from the workshop which was the idea of first consciousness and second consciousness. First order consciousness is the knee-jerk reaction. It is a response that got created in childhood that is automatic and familiar. It is also famous for getting the same ineffective results. Terry calls it Door A. When we respond and pick door A we are using our limbic brain the part of us that chooses to fight or flee. Second consciousness employs the neo-cortex of the brain or the thinking reasoning brain.
Second consciousness or Door B is a mindful choice. It means recognizing the knee-jerk or the "whoosh" reaction of doorA, taking a breath and making a conscious choice to be in our functioning adult. Sometimes we will already be beginning to respond on automatic pilot when our inner voice of guidance says, "Wait a minute. Take a breath. You don't have to do this how you have always done. You could chose door B. Contempt in either form is door A. The beauty of meditation practice is that it is the practice of choosing door B. In meditation each time we notice ourselves lost in our stories we mindfully bring ourselves back to the present moment. With practice bringing ourselves back to right here and right now and making a choice from that place, begins to replace our knee-jerk reactivity. Not perfectly and not all the time, however more and more you begin to notice that in the face of things that were incredibly triggering in the past you are calmer and more centered. The more I practice meditation it is easier to recognize a shame attack as self-contempt and bring myself up enough to look out of my own eyes and let myself know that I am OK even in the face of disapproval, comparison or anger. It is also easier to recognize the contempt of going one-up and being incredibly judgemental and critical of another as grandiosity and bring myself down to look out of my own eyes. Then I remind myself that I am no better and no worse than anyone else. Working with my knee -jerk reactions with mindfulness and compassion provides the opportunity to meet myself and others with more kindness and to grow from that kindness toward same-as, releasing one-up and one-down. I am committed to living my life choosing Door B. I am committed to working with my contempt and to healing. I am committed to forgiving myself when I don't and to forgiving others when they don't. I want to thank Terry Real for all of his good work with so many people and for providing so much food for thought. Living a life with less contempt is so very juicy for me. It supports me in moving closer to really knowing that I can take care of myself and be in close relationship with others at the same time.Where are you with contempt? What does it bring to mind about your relationship with yourself and others?