Tuesday, July 7, 2009

asking for help #2

It is good to write. I've had a long day. I saw my therapist today. I go about every three weeks. I started back in therapy to get clarity about my relationship and why I had so many fears and doubts.It has been very helpful personally and professionally. I am realizing that my ego creates separation. That's what it does to survive. It's really nothing personal. It isn't out to get me. It isn't out to let me know there is something really wrong with me and I am crazy and stupid. Those are the tools it uses to insure its own survival. What is the ego? First of all it's most important to know what it isn't. It isn't the higher self, universal energy, inner divinity, my spiritual core, my inner wisdom or my source. It is a group of thoughts and beliefs that I take to be me. It is useful to me in navigating in the material world. I am noticing that the critical voice of my ego gets louder when I experience being deeply loved. Love brings up everything that isn't love to be healed. I also notice when I am tired or not eating well my ego gets louder.
The farther I have jumped away from my center and out of my circle, the more vulnerable I am to the voice of my ego. Getting enough sleep and eating well make it easier for me to see that my critical voices are my critical voices.
Today I created a strategy to be able to step out of my obsessive judging and more toward my inner source. First I ask for help. Asking for help lets me know that I can't work to separate from my mind using my mind. I ask for help draw my circle around myself and come back into it. Then I call in my resource team-the spiritual core, nurturing parent and protective parent. I visualize them surrounding me and breathe into my heart. I experience the fullness in my heart and say to myself, "I am here for you." At first that will make the judgement worse because when my ego is threatened it gets louder. I don't fight it. This isn't about killing it or getting rid of it. It is about moving my attention toward my spiritual source where I know it is safe to love myself and to allow myself to be loved. Meditation and yoga practice help create familiarity with my center and build the muscle of bringing myself back to my source. That why it's called practice.
I just got off the phone with a really good friend. She has this same pattern of being judgemental with her partner. They have been in a long distance relationship and her fiance is moving to her city in three days. She is smart and asked him to get his own place. That way they can ease into deeper connection and she can work with her ego.
I am lucky to be in relationship with a man who gets that is my judging is a pattern that developes when I am afraid to be close. He is learning not to take it personally. My friend is lucky in that way too. Both of our partners are learning to be more confident in themselves in the face of criticism. What do you notice about your own voices? What makes you more vulnerable to them? What helps bring you back to your center?

No comments: