Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Nature is my temple

Nature is my Temple. I just returned from a silent, camping, hiking meditation retreat in Rochy Mtn Natl Park. This was the second annual solstice vipassana retreat and Gary and I went last year, too. I was struck by how much has happened since last June. Last year I remember being really upset because the ending group sharing was in the darkness and I couldn't hear anyone. I felt very disabled and realized how dependent I was on lip reading. In general I had a good experience at the retreat enough to want to return this year. Little did I know at the time that Gary's house would burn down three months later and that he would loose everything. I had no idea that we would find our dream house in Boulder and that I would be living in two places that I love, that Gary and I would be engaged and that I would move my mother to Boulder. What an exciting and challenging year. I was so aware of my sense of gratefulness at the retreat. My friend Wendy told me at lunch today that she had seen a quote that said that gratefulness is great fullness. That is how I felt- filled with a great sense of fullness that moved like molten gold from my head to my toes. I also felt strong fear as it rained and thundered and lighteninged and we were in our new tent because the old one had burned up. We didn't know if it would hold up in all of the strong wind and rain and it did. The last night of the retreat there was a big rainstorm in the late afternoon and cold temperatures and rain and maybe snow were predicted all night long. We met as a group and decided to stay to finish out the retreat the next day. Half of dinner blew away and everyone managed to still get enough to eat. The cook was very skilled and her food was delicious. She said she had never cooked in those kind of conditions before and it really stretched her out of her comfort zone. It helped her a lot that everyone was really helpful. During the retreat she made special food for those of us with food allergies and placed them in a square made with blue masking tape on the picnic table. I felt very loved and cared for and realized that all of my worrying about what I would eat and all of the extra food I brought were unnecessary. I was aware of how much I worry and saw my worry as an overprotective misguided parent who wanted to protect me from imagined pain. I could be kind to myself about it and even laugh at my urgent attempt to be prepared for the worst only to have the best happen.
That night it stopped raining before dinner. We went out into our meadow surrounded by gorgeous mountain peaks to meditate and listen to a darma talk and meditate again. As the last meditation was finishing at 10pm the thunder and lightening started again and heavy rain continued all through the night. It stopped just after our morning bell rang at 5. We were able to return to our meadow to sit. We could see that where we had hiked the day before was now covered with snow. The retreat was about being in nature and allowing nature to teach us about impermanence, change and connection. She was a persistent teacher offering up many challenges with the weather. I am grateful to get to hang out in my nature temple and pray for a whole weekend with loving teachers and fellow members of this impermanent sangha or community. It's amazing to me how much love I felt for people I didn't speak a word to. I love not speaking because I don't have to worry about hearing. It is such a relief to eat in silence and really be able to taste food. It was inspiring to me to come home and eat more consciously. Although I came home and ate in front of the computer for one meal I do think the rest of the time I have been more aware of what I'm eating. I also decided to go to sleep earlier and get up earlier to allow more time for meditation. I did that last night and today did all of my disciplines before my group at 8:30 this morning. However, right now it is late and I am still writing and cooking and washing clothes. I guess my inspiration from the retreat is to accept that change comes slowly and to treat myself with kindness. It isn't about all or nothing. It is more like the changing from one season to the next little by little. Happy Solstice and a delicious longest day to you.

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