Wednesday, June 15, 2011

mom's meds

When I moved my mother to Boulder one of my intentions was to get her off of some of her anti-psychotic meds. Her affect was very flat and she was zoned out in sort of a waking sleep. When a glimmer of wakefulness would come through she would seem to undertstand what was being said to her and sometimes respond, mostly with yes and no. Monnya and I felt Mom's presence very strongly on our trip from Alamogordo to Colorado. It was such a relief to bring her from the locked alzheimer's unit where she was maintained to Anam Chara where she is respected. My doctor, who is a knowledgeable and conscious woman, agreed to have my mother as a patient. The staff at Anam Chara agreed to an experiment to begin to lessen one of my mother's many drugs. The doctor supported this plan and gave us a safe way to begin.
In the first week my mother was agitated and frustrated. In addition she was much more alert and present. She was in her body yet didn't quite know how to handle her new energy. The staff at Anam Chara, used to my mom vegetating, were surprised to find her getting up and walking outside by herself. She fell three times. Once she was found under a lilac bush in the front yard. It isn't clear whether she fell or was just resting. So we all messed with her meds some more trying to find a balance between comfort and presence. Could we find a mix that preserved her new found presence and responsiveness and also allowed her to be comfortable? The doctor has been patient and persistant. I am so grateful to her. She treats my mother as a person. Most people do not treat my mother as a person. Older people with dementia are often treated as disrespectfully as small children and talked about in third person when they are right there.
The caregivers at Anam Chara work hard to create relationships with the residents. One caregiver in particular has really gone to bat for my mom going through her adjustment process with her meds. She knows it will take time to get it worked out and that it may be somewhat uncomfortable for everyone involved. I don't think discomfort is necessarily a bad thing. I think it is important to weigh the pros and cons of change to see what is for the highest good. It is with delight that I watch my mom become more and more responsive.
Her opinions and judgements are returning. In some ways it was a respite from all of that to have her zoned out. However, it is worth it to me to have her quality of life expanding. From what she says it is also worth it to her to be experiencing a heightened level of anxiety in order to be more alert.
I am not around her all day every day. The caregivers are. I so appreciate their efforts to support my mother in returning to her body mind and spirit as much as she is able to. I feel held in love by the whole support team. I am blessed. A caregiver took my mom to a physical therapist yesterday to evaluate her for a walker so she can be more mobile. Before the meds were changed she would never leave her chair or bed unless someone walked her. Now the PT said she felt my mom could navigate learning to use a walker. That is very exciting.
I have to work with my ego about all of this. When I go visit my mom I want her to be more alert and present. Sometimes she is and sometimes she isn't. It seemed last weekend that when I had time to spend with her she was completely zoned out and when I was there for a rushed visit she was alert and interactive. It is a good opportunity to let go of my attachment to things being different than they are and surrender my delusion of control. Letting go and opening to what is has never been my strong suit. I am getting lots of practice.
My mother's process looks like what it looks like. I need to be willing to feel my excitement, disappointment,frustration, boredom, and fear. If I am willing to feel all of what I am feeling it makes more space for the love that bubbles up. This love exists between my mother and I as two human beings sharing this earth school together. I am grateful for the chance to have her be close and to grow with her.

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