Am I writing this blog so I can avoid working on my taxes? It is so easy for me to put off unpleasant tasks. I am meeting with my accountant tomorrow so I need to finish up tonight. Would it be a good reward to write this blog after I have finshed my tax work? Maybe and I'm not willing to do it that way. I am banking rather on the inspiration I feel from writing this blog helping me to motivate myself. I have been getting messages from several fronts today to stop trying so hard to get better and just relax. How do taxes get done that way? We will see. Writing this blog is relaxing for me. I often can suspend my judgmental mind and let the words flow out of me. Often when I am done I feel satisfied and pleased that I have done a good enough job. That experience of self-acceptance is delicious. Today at Deeksha oneness blessing group the leader spoke about letting go of expectations and being in the moment with whatever shows up. The idea is to acknowledge that we are not in control even though we are so keenly attached to our illusion of control in this culture. I've said before my spiritual philosophy has three parts:
Trust in god or the universe
Do my part
Let go of the outcome.
As I write this I think I will, at least for now, add Laugh as my forth step. Maybe at first it would be a forced laugh to acknowledge that I know I am out of control. Maybe if I remember to laugh I would have more fun. In Laughter yoga a fake laugh often turns into authentic laughter. The body doesn't know the difference and produces healing hormones from either kind of laughter. Maybe the way to get myself to finish my taxes is to laugh while I am doing them. The "they" that I worry about hearing me and thinking I am crazy is not here tonight. Do you ever wonder who this they that we worry what they are thinking about us is. Is it the sanity police? Or is it simply a picture of my mother embedded in my sub-conscious mind saying, "Are you crazy?" She tended to do that whenever something I was doing was something she disagreed with. Now I have introjected that idea and do it to myself. Introjection is when we hear a judgemental message about ourselves from outside of us and take it in to ourselves as true. I'd like to Laugh that belief right out of me. I imagine laughing at my mother for thinking I am crazy. I imagine that now she could laugh with me. I imagine laughingly telling Andie, who is, as you know, the little girl inside me, that her ideas are good ideas and I support her in having lots of them. I celebrate her good ideas with my laughter. I celebrate her playful silliness. She gives so much to me in that way. Woo hoo Andie. I have been hanging out with her and loving her lately. I stopped being intimidated by her anger at me for being inconsistent and I am loving her anyway whenever I do. I feel a deep love for her and I know I can be with her and love her no matter what. I can feel her begin to relax when I pay attention to her. She likes to laugh. So much of my childhood was no laughing matter. Now it is time to laugh. Noone will say, "Wipe that smile off of your face." I can say to myself, "Whip that smile on to your face." I can say it in a sassy voice. I won't get into trouble. What if Andie and I can have fun together? What if she is my having fun together teacher? Andie likes that and says she is. Well now I am ready to do my taxes laughing. Andie and I will do them together.
What could you experiment with laughingly doing? What fun!