Thursday, August 12, 2010

Therapy

Gary and I went to look at a house in Boulder on Monday. The long term plan has been for us to move up there eventually. We have been doing a long distance relationship of 90 minutes for over five years. We see each other on the weekends-at his house in the summer and at my house in the winter. Our arrangement has been perfect because we are two people who have each lived alone for almost twenty years. Both of us raised our respective children during that time. Each of us was involved in many relationships and yet neither of us chose to live with any of those people. Even as we have been looking at houses it was understood that this would be a gradual process. I would keep my house in Denver and be here at least three days a week to work, see my friends and have my sanctuary. When we went to look at this house in Boulder I got very scared.
I was so scared that I had to talk myself down and soothe myself by telling myself I didn't have to do anything that doesn't feel right to me. I reassured my little girl inside that I would protect her and not make her do anything that was unsafe. I am aware that everytime Gary and I look at houses or consider buying a house together or even when we put a contract on one house my level of fear has become intolerable. All this time I thought it was because none of the houses felt right to me. Either the location wasn't right or there wasn't enough space ( Gary has so much stuff and runs three businesses out of his home)
or the space that would be my office didn't feel right. There was always something that made me freeze in my tracks. On Monday the fear intensified to the point where it was difficult to breathe. It was the closest I have ever come to a full-blown panic attack. I realized that right now I treasure my light-filled orderly home and I love living alone and that no matter what other house we look at it won't feel right to me. When nothing feels right I have learned that I need to do nothing. Doing the presence process has taught me that often when I am upset I am triggered about something in the past and it is an opportunity to integrate that charged emotion by feeling the emotion underneath the story. Since Monday I have continued to experience waves of fear. The story is that I have to do what makes Gary happy just as I had to do what made my Dad happy. When I be with the felt sensation under the story and breathe into the tightness in my chest and stomach I can experience being a little girl with no sovereignty over my world. I am out of control and what I want doesn't matter.
When I soothe myself I let myself know that now what I want does matter. Tomorrow I am going to see my therapist. I have been back in therapy since I discovered my childhood sexual abuse. I will work with this fear with the help of a skilled practitioner. In the safe space that she creates I will be with the little girl inside and see where this fear takes me. I know that is the beauty of a good theraputic relationship- I feel free to be myself and to go to the deep places I might not otherwise allow myself to go. It is OK for me to get support. It doesn't mean I'm not strong. In fact, I have come to believe that one of the strongest acts is to let another person be there for us at our most vulnerable. I am learning to receive and release my mistrust. That is another gift of a strong theraputic relationship. Everytime I go back into therapy and experience the benefits of a skillful witness my gratefulness to be a therapist is deepened. It is such a blessing to love my clients and support them in freeing themselves from the suppressed emotions that keep them stuck in the past and the future. Watching people move more and more into all of who they are is such a joy. I am honored to be allowed to be part of the miracle of growth. I admire the courage of the people I work with as they move their obstacles out of the way and emerge more into present moment awareness. In my own work and in my work with others we are getting more skillful about being in our circles in our daily lives. Wherever I live and whatever I do I want to spend more time in my circle, my own sacred space inside, and learn how to honor myself and others at the same time. That is also what I wish for you.

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