envy again

I thought green would be appropriate because I am feeling envious. The last time I wrote about envy was after I watched a DVD of Angela Farmer, the yoga teacher. I wanted her life, her relationship and her lithe flexible body.
My friend Amanda's booksigning is at Tattered Cover LoDo tonight at 7:30. She has written a successful book on Appreciative Inquiry. It is a process to help people, especially in workplaces, focus on what they appreciate rather than what is wrong. It can dramatically change the climate of a workplace. Her new book about which she is speaking tonight is using appreciative inquiry in developing leadership styles. Amanda wrote her first book after I wrote my book Eating My way To God: A food addict's spiritual journey. I have envied Amanda her drive to complete her book and do all that is necessary to get it published and marketed. I am glad for her and I envy her. At one point I thought her success would inspire me to put the necessary energy into getting help in putting my book out there. That hasn't been true. I am glad for Amanda. She has been able to contribute to many people's lives. I am excited to go to her booksigning tonight and support her.
On Monday Geneen Roth was on Opray with her new book, Women Food and God. Although I haven't read it from what I gleaned from watching the show, Geneen's book is about women using food to medicate disconnection from their own feelings and using emotional awareness to reconnect with the source. I was green with envy. My origonal mission was to spread the message that being in touch with my feelings rather than stuffing them under food was my path to eating my way to God. I dreamed of being on Opray and even sent her a copy of my book. Geneen Roth was articulate and seemed very grounded and clear with the people whose questioons she responded to. I want to read her book. I know it could be helpful to me. I can be envious without shutting my heart down. I can breathe into the felt-sensation of envy in my body. I feel a tightness in my chest. I feel sad that I haven't pursued putting my book out there and mad at myself. As I breathe the tension lessens. I find a sense of compassion and acceptance for myself. The truth is that right now I am not moved to put energy into my book. It doesn't mean I am doing something wrong. I don't know what it means. What matters is to acknowledge that it is my choice not to do anything with my book right now. Maybe I wrote it for myself and the thirty or so people who have read it. I don't even have an edited copy to give to someone right now if they wanted one. I can be clear that I don't have the energy to put into my book right now because two people said they were interested in buying it and still I did nothing.
Last time when I felt envy for Angela Farmer I came to the place of appreciating her and appreciating myself. When I am lost in envy I can jump out of my circle and oogle over the other person and dis myself.
This time I realize I have made a choice and to take responsibility for that choice. It doesn't make me a bad person because I am choosing not to put my energy into my book. I am choosing to put energy into my work and my relationship and my family and friends. It's OK to be an ordinary awesome person. It's OK for me and OK for you.