Marriage

I have done many fun things this week. Gary is out of town at the Gem show. I have been missing him and enjoying doing whatever I want. I have been thinking about how easy it is for me to take care of myself when Gary is out of town. When he is here on the weekend I think I need to defer to him. This isn't his idea. He is always supportive of me doing what I want to do. I have this idea that since we only see each other on the weekends that we should spend the weekend doing things together. That translates into convincing him to do what I want to do or not doing it. In this culture women are socialized to set themselves aside and defer to men. I grew up in a matriarchy masquerading as a patriarcy. My mother would pretend my father was running the show and actually she was manipulating him to do what she wanted to do. That was my model. Directly expressing what she wanted and needed wasn't part of the game. I think she didn't believe it was OK to want what she wanted so asking directly was too pushy or too much. She was a strong woman and mostly got what she wanted using guilt. I am aware that I want to do it differently. I want to learn to balance autonomy and intimacy. I want to learn to go inside and get clear about what I want by listening to my intuition and then communicating it directly. It seems when I am alone, it is easier to nurture myself. I can be the "queen of self-care" when I am by myself. Around Gary it is a challenge for me to call a friend and have a good relaxed talk without worrying about him. He isn't worrying about him. He is on the computer enjoying himself. Probably if I spent the whole day on the phone he would notice and be perturbed. I defer to him in my own mind by telling myself I can't do what I want to do unless he is willing to do it and then I resent him.
This drama is going on without his knowledge. It is I that feels like I have to cram things I want to do that he doesn't want to do into the weekdays. He has been much more willing to do active things on the weekends which I appreciate. Sometimes I fantacize being with a partner who would initiate doing active things and push me to be more active. On our vacation in ten days I am going to make space for Gary to be that person and give him the space to make suggestions before I jump in. I'd like to give my victum/resentment pattern a run for its money. Being on vacation together has always been a challenge for me. What would it be like to trust that I could do what I want to do and he could do what he wants to do and that sometimes we would be together and sometimes not. I'd like to do it without making proclamations to protect myself. One vacation I said I wanted the mornings to myself and that helped. Yet it seemed too rigid. What if I let my boundaries be supported by my intuition rather than erecting walls? What if I trusted that he was on my side? What if I trusted that I was on my side? Being on my own side would be trusting that what I want and need is important and communicating that directly and clearly and letting go of my attachment to the outcome. That would allow more of a flow about controlling what happens or doesn't happen. I think I could actually have way more fun. This self-care art is a balancing act. So I remember my spiritual path. Trust in the universe(listen to intuition) do my part( ask clearly and directly for what I want and need) and let go of the outcome ( let go of control and be willing to embrace what is)
Today I was reading a wonderful book called The Mermaids Chair in which the main character marries herself. She says ," I take you Jessie, for better or for worse to love and to cherish." That was inspiring to me and I did my own marriage ceremony with myself. Maybe that marriage to ourselves is the most important one we as woman will ever have, whether we participate in marriage with another or not. Have you thought about marrying yourself?
If you are a man have you thought about marrying yourself? Whether you are a man or a woman what are your thoughts about all of this?