Thursday, January 14, 2010

Dentist

I had dental implant surgery today. I was very nervous and had been putting it off for years because of the expense, my fear of the unknown and the story I was making up about how I didn't need to do it. I convinced myself it didn't matter that I had a big hole in my mouth that mostly didn't show unless I smiled broadly. When I saw the pictures of myself from Monnya and Isaac's wedding I realized the hole was very visible because I always smile broadly. I like smiling with my full heart and that's very toothy. Also I am tired of only chewing on one side for all these years. Implants cost a lot of money and it was difficult to justify spending it. I finally decided to go for it.
The surgery was at 7 this morning and it went really well. My dentist is thorough and capable and her staff is competent and kind. I was comfortable sharing how nervous I was and they listened and didn't try to talk me out of my feelings. They understood and reassured me with clear complete information about what to expect. My intention is to do this process with homeopathic remedies rather than western painkillers. My homeopathic doctor, who I haven't seen for two years,kindly responded to my phone message with detailed instructions. So far this has been a positive experience and a learning opportunity about staying present with what is. This morning I awoke very early to do my disciplines before I left, and I heard a voice saying "Don't do this today!" My reaction was to knee-jerk into fear. I decided to listen to the voice to get more information instead of spinning from the fear into terror about doing it wrong.
" You are making a mistake. Something terrible is going to happen. You didn't do enough research. You can't trust your dentist knows what she is doing. This is not a good idea. You have to get out of it now." The voice went on. "You are too trusting. How do you know your dentist can do a good job? You just jump into things without enough information." I realized that Gary was the messenger. He was questioning me last night about whether I asked my dentist how many of these implant surgeries she had done? I hadn't. I felt judgement coming from him and he owned that he was afraid because I didn't have the information he would have gotten. He was the messenger for me to then be triggered into self-doubt. I am learning not to kill the messenger. I used being upset as an opportunity to be with the fear and to feel it in my body. I said to myself, "I am afraid" and brought my compassionate attention to the sensation of the fear. I imagined, Andie, the little girl inside me feeling this fear, surrounded by the inner child care center of my spiritual core, my inner protective parent and my inner nurturing parent. Lots of old dental experiences that were scary arose and subsided. I felt a sense of peace and realized the fear had released. I knew it was O.K. to go ahead with the dental work and that it felt right to me to do it. I knew it from the inside. It was a relief and I felt grateful. Everytime I recognize my ego's voice, recognizing my ego's voice gets easier.I am starting to believe that any voice of judgement isn't my Soul or higher self or God or the universe, whatever name I give the part of me who loves me know matter what.
I have been starting the day in my circle invoking the inner resource center and it is really helpful in coming into my day feeling more safe and secure from the inside.I think it makes it easier to recognize my ego. I highly recommend that if the spirit moves you you consider starting the day with your inner resources in your awareness. It's helpful to me to push past my judgements about what it means about me to ask for help and ask anyway. My inner resource team is always there waiting. I'm certain yours is too.

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