Your name as a verb

Last night our chanting group Spiritsong met at my house. It is a blissful combination of shared food, deep sharing and singing. We have been meeting for several years and now meet once a season.
During the sharing one person was talking about her challenges with her adult son. I'll call him Dennis. The word that came into my mind was Dennising. What if everyone's name was a verb that meant we were being ourselves? What if all of my wonderful and horrible qualities could be expressed as Andreaing? What if all of your lovely and not so lovely qualities could be expressed as Janeing or Bobing or Harolding depending on your name. I have been using this and sharing it since last night. It takes the edge off of judgement and supports the truth that we are all just doing the best we can and just being who we are. All of it-(insert your own name as a verb where mine is) The fear, anger and grief- Andreaing. The joy, playfulness and detachment-Andreaing. The guilt,shame and envy-Andreaing. The self-love, self-acceptance and compassion-Andreaing.
What if it was all there to tteach us that it is possible to love ourselves with all of it? What if our unskillful behavior is a call for compassion? What if we have to be unskillful to activate compassion for ourselves. If we were always perfect how would we learn compassion? What if judgement is a call to come back into our circle and be with whatever is going on? So I am really getting that loving myself unconditionally means allowing myself to feel the felt sensation of whatever is going on inside me so it can be integrated. As I integrate more and more of my past unintegrated pain I experience more present moment awareness. Such a deal!
Sometimes the best teachers are the people we have the most difficulty with. I have a very difficult time with my sister. We have chosen very different defensive strategies to deal with the pain of growing up in our family. My sister chose aggression, I chose withdrawl. When I am around her aggression I shut my heart down and get small. My mother also did aggression so when my sister puffs up I regress to about four years old. I have been practicing showing up for myself in her presence. I have learned to keep my heart open and to protect myself from being emotionally vulnerable. Sometimes I am obsessively going over and over one of our interactions trying to figure out what I could have said to get her to soften and understand me. I also get very attached to being right. I am learning to pull my mind back to the present and experience the felt sensation of being misunderstood. It takes me back to being small and sad and scared. My world wasn't safe. It was hard to know when my mother would be kind and attentive and when she would be angry and mean and slapping me. It makes it hard to relax around other people. I often worry that I will do something wrong and piss them off. Lately in connecting with Andie, the little girl inside me, I am learning to be the source of my own safety. I can feel the felt sensation of being safe inside now. I am so grateful to know that safety is self-generated and no amount of outside approval or understanding will create it authentically. That doesn't mean I need to push support away. When I know I am the source of my own safety I'm not dependant on others to feel OK so it is easier to ask for help and let it in.
So my sister is the messenger of being afraid of aggresion and integrating my childhood fear. I can get the message and use our interactions to open to loving all of myself even the parts I find unacceptable. I can also create clear boundaries which I am learning to do. I can see my sister's aggression as Cyndeing. I can see her love for my Mom as Cyndeing. I can see her mastery of the material world as Cyndeing. I can see her defensiveness as Cyndeing. I can see her bossiness as Cyndeing. I can see her devotion to her dogs as Cyndeing. I can see her competence as Cyndeing. I can see that when Andreaing and Cyndeing get together sometimes it isn't pretty. And sometimes it is. Experiment with using your name as a verb and see what you notice.