Thursday, November 17, 2011

Reunion

Gary and I have been apart for three and a half weeks and will reunite tomorrow. He was in Mexico on an art buying trip and vacation. I chose not to go because the timing of the trip didn't work out with my work.
He sells hichol yarn paintings which he gets directly from the artists. He loves their vibrant colors and spiritual meanings. His whole collection burned up in the fire. Now he is beginning to replace it. In addition, Gary travels to shows to sell his stones and his art for at least two weeks twice a year. In the past when we have been separated for long periods of time it has been really difficult for me to feel connected and to keep my heart open. It was my intention this trip to take care of myself and work with my emotions so I could stay open. Although I appreciate our time apart I start to get triggered into my abandonment issues after about two weeks. This time I did really well. I allowed myself to miss Gary and to show up for myself with the discomfort of it. In some ways it felt good to miss him when I let myself let go of resisting it. It is a validation of how much I care about him. Then last weekend I was up in Boulder in our house by myself. During the day I appreciated the view and the spaciousness of the house, yet at night it felt big and cold and scary. Also he planned this trip without considering my schedule making it was even longer that we wouldn't see each other. He called me when he got back to Boulder and I told him how hurt and angry I felt. I really appreciated that he listened to all of my feelings without getting defensive and then said he was sorry. Neither of us are used to being team players. We agreed to consider each other more when making our own plans. The flip side of not being very skilled at being team players is that we both are very supportive of each other doing what we want to do separate from each other. We are good at supporting autonomy and less skilled at supporting interdependance.
I have been fiercely independant most of my adult life. I have seen being dependant on another person as being a weakness. In the past years of being with Gary I have been learning that it is OK for us to depend on each other. Underneath my fierce independance is a little girl who is afraid she will be left if she shows her vulnerability. I have learned to comfort the little girl inside me and allow Gary to help me. It has been so healing for me that he has stuck around through all of my attempts to withdraw. I feel safe being in a commited relationship with Gary because he has shown himself to be trustworthy by the steadfastness of his love. I have learned so much for him about being solid with a committment. I am learning that loving another person and chosing to be with him as a life partner doesn't mean he has to fit my pictures of my ideal mate. That person is a fantasy who distracted me from opening to the beautiful kind loving person standing right in front of me. Letting go of my fantasy of my ideal mate has allowed me to open to what is and to appreciate the day to day workings of being with a nice man who I love.
I am grateful to have a partner who will work on a relationship with me. We have gotten skilled at resoving conflict. We can be pretty consistantly respectful of each other even in the midst of a heated discussion. This did not use to be the case. It is mostly because we are each willing to deeply listen to each other and to validate the others' truth.
I know that our reconnection tomorrow might be awkward and uncomfortable for a while and I know we'll get through it just as we have gotten through everything else that has come up in the last six and a half years. Maybe reconnecting will just be exciting and fun. I know it will be what it is whatever that is and we will use it to get closer.
What do you notice about yourself in terms of autonomy and interdependance. Which part of the dance do you do better with?

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