Monday, October 3, 2011

self-acceptance

It's been a while. Gary and I just returned from a week in Breckenridge. The leaves were amazing and we got along really well most of the time. I am actually starting to experience what it's like to accept my partner as he is. That doesn't mean I have to like everything about him. I certainly don't like everything about myself either. I used to say that being in a committed relationship meant liking another person's pleasing qualities enough to be willing to gag down their other stuff. Gary would look at me archly and say, "Gag down?" He was on to this acceptance thing way before me. I think one of the things I love about him the most is how accepting he is of me. This quality helps me to feel safe with him and also has taught me to be more accepting of myself. Gary brings lots of non-judgemental acceptance into our partership. I bring lots of motivation to change and grow. When I get impatient with how slow he moves when we are hiking, I remind myself that I have found a partner who loves the mountains as much as I do. I move ahead honoring my own pace, coming back to say hi often.
On our trip he got pissed at me because he wanted to lead the way down a tricky trail that he had done before and I wanted to go ahead of him and go faster. He said I was controlling and I hate that. Being controlling is one of my least attractive qualities and I especially hate having my being controlling pointed out by another. I proceeded to get really angry defending myself and telling him that I wanted to go at my own pace and he was impeding me with his need to go first.
Then I pushed ahead and slipped, landing on my previously injured wrist. Visions of repeating six more months of physical therapy and teaching yoga with no down dogs floated through my mind. I still held on to my defensiveness and he got triggered too. Soon we were in a beautiful place, oblivious to the present moment, caught up in both being right. It made things worse that three other hikers had come along to witness our raised voices. (well mostly mine) He tried to reconnect and I was still attached to feeling separate. We hiked back up and I asked for help to let go of my ego's strong desire to off him on the spot. I breathed and asked for help to feel the universe holding me and the little girl inside me (who sometimes goes apeshit when I am criticized) in love for being exactly as I am. That included being controlling, defensive, and mean- a tall order. We were walking through a magnificent forest of golden aspen trees and slowly I began to see them. This is one of the reasons why I love nature so much. Self-acceptance is much easier for me to experience if I am in a beautiful natural place. Gradually
I opened to the ego trance I was in where Gary looks like my enemy, and held myself in love.
This was powerful for me to realize how deeply caught I was and to acknowledge this to Gary.
Being vulnerable with him opened my heart and I was able to feel love for myself and for him.
I am grateful to be with a man who is willing to work on our relationship. We both acknowledged our unskillfulness and began to reconnect. It's hard for me to accept how angry and threatened I get. Even though I know that relationship as a spiritual path means using everything that comes up to get closer it's hard to include those qualities that I least accept in myself as teachers. And teachers they are. I am grateful to be on this journey toward self-acceptance and acceptance of Gary even though sometimes it is anything but pretty. I so appreciate sharing my path with a man who values my healing, his own healing, and our healing. I am grateful to you for listening to this. I hope it contributes to you and to your process of self-acceptance.

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