Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Of course

Tomorrow is my birthday. I am not working except for teaching yoga. It feels good to have the morning to myself. I have no set plans. I'd like to meditate and do yoga and maybe go for a walk. I will teach my yoga class at noon and then Gary is coming to Denver for the afternoon and evening. I really appreciate that he is coming down here given that he is not a fan of the big city. I am glad to spend my birthday with him. The women in my singing group encouraged me to ask for what I wanted rather than not ask. He was happy to come down to Denver to be with me for my birthday. It was validating for me to ask for what I wanted even though he might be annoyed. I grew up associtating anger and displeasure with love being withdrawn. I am learning to tolerate my anxiety about my imagined level of Gary's displeasure and to do what I need to do to take care of myself. I am getting much more skilled at firmly and kindly saying what I want to do and inviting him along rather than sacrificing the activities that bring me pleasure and blaming him. This weekend we did yoga and went hiking which I wanted to do and went to a cello concert and Rumi poetry reading which he wanted to do. It is getting easier to have time to myself without picking a fight to get it. I genuinely want Gary to be happy and I am realizing more and trusting more that he wants me to be happy too. I am starting to feel less threateded by his personality patterns, except when I do. I think becoming more forgving of myself makes it easier to be less reactive with him. I have been practicing noticing when I am being reactive with him which usually means I will begin fantacizing about how to get out of the relationship. When I notice this I acknowledge myself, Woo hoo. you noticed. That moves me from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence. Although it is painful to be in that loop of obsession about feeling trapped and wanting to run, noticing the loop helps ease the pain and makes it easier to comfort myself. I imagine once again that loving grandmother person saying to me, "Of course Of course when you are threatened by something Gary does you want to run away. That means you are scared and triggered about something and you need your own attention. Could you be curious and ask yourself what really is going on here?"
Soothing myself and exploring what is really going on is a plan to become consciously competent. Often I am afraid about something from the past. When I want to run I am often triggered back to a time when I got small instead of asking for what I wanted. I felt trapped and powerless because I never knew what to expect from my mother. Sometimes she would be loving and kind and generous and other times she would be mean and angry. My task is to learn to comfort myself when I feel afraid rather than criticize myself. In that way I can be the mom to myself that I know what to expect from. Wanting to run is a pattern I developed in response to my fear. When I was a teenager at a social function where I felt awkward and uncomfortable I would go outside and run until I was exhausted. I literally would run away. In my adult life I have often threateded the bond by threatening to leave a relationship when I am afraid that I can't get what I want. I have made progress in that I no longer vent this to Gary. He feels much safer in our relationship since I'm not threatening to leave.
Can you notice what you do when you feel threatened? Could you become aware of that automatic pilot behavior, imagine that loving grangmother being holding you and saying of course and gently and lovingly ask yourself, "What is really going on here? What needs my attention?"

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