Envy

In the Enneagram, each point has what's called a passion. The passion in the enneagram is the energy that moves us away from our center toward our personality. For the one it is self-righteous anger, the two is pride, the three is vanity, the four is envy, the five is avarice,the six is fear, the seven is gluttony, the eight is lust and the nine is sloth. Today I read an article by Sally Klempton about envy. Since I identify the most with the four type, envy is my passion.
The article suggested that envy can be subtle. It can masquerade as irritation or annoyance with another person. Sally directs us to explore underneath the annoyance to see if envy lurks underneath. Envy is an embarrassing emotion for me. I judge myself harshly for begrudging someone else their talents, successes or good fortune. It feels so unevolved to secretly hope another will fail. Sally Klempton suggests that underneath envy is our own disowned self. When we feel envy it is often with a peer. The envy is about some quality we are jealous of in another that we don't own in ourselves. She advises getting underneath the story of the envy to the feelings underneath and being willing to be with them.
One of my yoga students lent me a DVD by Angela Farmer called Inner Body Yoga. It is a wonderful yoga class taught by this beautiful woman who appears to be in her sixties. She is incredibly flexible, fit and sensual. She seems so comfortable in her body. She has long luxuriously curly silver hair and wears no makeup. Her husband Victor who is a yoga teacher and an artist, painted these gorgeous pictures of women in yoga poses that illustrate the DVD.
Angela has created her own form of yoga and teaches internationally. As I moved through the class I was very aware of the limitations of my own body and a familiar feeling of tightness in my heart. The green monster was rearing its head within me. I wanted Angela Farmer's body. I wanted Angela Farmer's husband. I wanted Angels Farmer's comfort and ease with her sexuality. I was making up a story about how she does it right and I, by contrast, do it wrong. In my story of being one-down, she is beautiful, talented and lithe and I am dumpy, inflexible and aging rapidly by the minute. Feeling these feelings I am awestruck by the creativity in my story. I could see I was using Angela Farmer and the story I made up about her to feel crappy about myself. Sally Klempton suggests looking at what you want for yourself and sending these qualities to the person you envy. So I want to age gracefully and be grateful for my body and accepting of what it can and can't do, I want to be more and more comfortable with my body and my sexuality and I want to be a creative and inspiring yoga teacher. On top of all of that, I want to have fun. I imagine sending all of that to Angela Farmer and her receiving it smiling and bowing. Sending it to her I am more aware of my own generosity of spirit. I feel lighter and more spacious. It feels true to me that we are all one and that sending these things I want to Angela Farmer I also allow the space to see them in myself. This is fun. Envy doesn't have to be kept in the closet. The shadow is the part of me that I find unacceptable and keep hidden. I shine the light of day on my envy and invite her in for tea. She sits down and faces me and I let myself open to her and accept her as she is. She is a vehicle for me to empower myself. I ask her if she'd like some lemon and a few carrot sticks and allow her into my heart. When I can notice what I find unacceptable in myself without judgement, the charge of shutting down my own heart to myself releases a bit. Angela Farmer and I are sure a pair of passionate, creative sixty year old yoga teachers. I open to allowing myself to be inspired by her body and her talent as a teacher.What do you find unacceptable in yourself? Is there something you envy in others that you aren't owning in yourself?