the sun and the north wind

I can't get the color and other settings to register. I guess this will be another black and white good enough blog. I am tempted to give up and do it tomorrow. Yet the cretive urge is here and my muse hasn't been visiting very often lately. Turning her away because the appearance of my blog doesn't fit my pictures seems so rude. My muse doesn't take well to rejection. When I'm not available to answer her call too many times she feels abandoned and shuts her heart down. I do the same thing when I feel abandoned by Gary. I shut down my heart and start making him wrong and think I need to leave our relationship. I am learning that my ambivalence is really a symptom of my unwillingness to be emotionally vulnerable. That has been the next step after accepting that I am ambivalent. I hate feeling needy. Gary has been out of town for 2 1/2 weeks and rather than allowing myself to miss him I have been plotting my case against him. Tonight I told him what was going on with me and he listened. He is getting very good at hearing my process and just getting it. He has had a lot of practice. When I am feeling abandoned and have shut my heart down it really helps for me to make myself vulnerable and tell Gary what I am feeling. It's hard to feel close to him when I am feeling flat and pissed. I am learning that bringing my attention to feeling abandoned and comforting myself heals the pain of abandoning myself when I feel abandoned by Gary. I can soothe myself for noticing what I am feeling and comfort myself that it is OK to feel it. When I can comfort myself it makes it safe to talk to Gary.
Today I read a story about the north wind and the sun. They were trying to see who could make a human take his coat off. The north wind went first and blew cold wind round and round the person trying to blow his coat off with blasts of cold. The man shivered and drew his coat around him tighter. Then the sun gently warmed the man until he opened his coat and then gradually took it off. The story is about how much better warmth works than cold blasts of wind. Bullying ourselves seems to me to be like cold blasts of wind. Comfort and compassion feel like the warmth of the sun. I think it is important to treat ourselveds with the warmth of the sun if there is something we want to change. I want to learn to go under my ambivalence to the insecure little girl crying for attention and bring lovingkindness to both of us. It is easy to make up a story about Gary and not get the benefit from looking within. As Michael brown says in the Presence Process, " Dissmiss the messenger and get the message." My message is to show up for myself and for the little girl inside me who feels neglected and be with myself with all that I am feeling. Is there a little person inside you who feels neglected? Would you be willing to slow down and give her or him some focused attention? Would you be willing to bring that little child the warmth of the sun?

Warts and all

Ah, I am up in Boulder this week. I am doing whatever I want. Gary is out of town and I decided to come up here and spend some time alone settling in. Living in two places I sometimes feel scattered and have difficulty focusing. Other times I am filled with gratitude to have two comfortable and lovely places to live.
Spending time with myself this week I have been very aware of my pattern of noticing what is missing and judging myself for it. I went to an enneagram class last night taught by Rene Rosario on core beliefs. Core beliefs get instilled in early childhood in an attempt to adapt and survive our family of origon. Core beliefs color our perception of the world and paint themselves over and over reinforcing themselves. They are usually an unconscious and automatic filter we overlay onto our world. The healing that is available is to begin to be aware of the core belief when it is proving itself true, and stretch to recognize it and open to other options. For example according to Rene who gleaned it from Helen Palmer,the core belief of the four is:
A painful loss of original connection leaves a terrible feeling of deficiency and a sense that something vitally important and special is missing which must be regained. Hence, my walking through life feeling like I am doing it wrong. Moreover, I am doing it wrong because there is something wrong with me. I don't have the (Fill in the blank- creativity, intuition, intelligence, strength,) to do what other people can do.
The good news is that when I notice how true this core belief feels and how my life seems to be proving it to me I can use that to acknowledge my suffering. If I can be kind to myself about my suffering it breaks through the haze of the core belief and reveals the shining present moment where I am free to chose. One thing that has been helpful is when I am bullying myself about doing it wrong I can use Byron Katie's question" Do I absolutely know this is true? " I have been bullying myself about my ambivalence about my relationship with Gary. Today I noticed how I use noticing that to judge myself as a loser and think there is somehing wrong with me. "Noone else has these kind of doubts after six years." Do I absolutely know it is true that noone else does that? No. The truth is I do. I held myself in love about hating myself. When I brought compassion to my suffering I could see that my ambivalence doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. It does mean that I am very challenged to accept another human being for who they are. It makes complete sense when I can see the pattern as a reflection of what I feel about myself. So, when I am lost in making Gary wrong and myself wrong for being with him I can see my suffering and show up for myself and chose myself warts and all. I do chose myself warts and all. I want to use my awareness to bring kindness to my perception of my own warts. What if my warts are the secret healers to my idea that I have a fatal flaw? What if I could start a practice of everytime I discover an unlovable wart I love myself for not loving it. I notice the judgement that I have excessively used the word "I" billions of times in this blog. I notice that I exaggerate and have a need to be dramatic. I see the path to self-hate looming as I decide whether to go down it or not. It is so well-worn and familiar. I pause, and ask for help. A gentle spirit wrapped in diaphonous purple robes meets me at the trailhead with a glass of cool water, a smile and a warm hug. She is so happy to see me and has been waiting for a long time. I allow her to hold me and I feel my heart begin to fill up with her love. It is contageous, much more than warts and I begin to feel my own love for myself slowly spreading out from the center of my heart. The colors green and violet, of the feeling I call "Thank you God" come into my field of vision. I feel them in my body. The salve of gratitude is a heart opener which leads to a wart melter. I am ambivalent and I deserve great love. I actually have great love from my partner Gary. His love for me has been so strong and solid. Although his preference would be that I am consistently rooted in undying admiration for him he loves me ambivalence and all. I can learn from him. We are committed to learning and growing together. What a blessing. I chose to use my ambivalence to love myself and Gary. Why not?
Do you have a wart that you have deemed unacceptable that you could use as a vehicle for bringing conscious kindness to yourself? Have at it! I send you love for the journey.

Practices

Last night, Gary, his friend Tom, I, and 1000 other people experienced Braco. (pronounced Bras-co) It was an event where this croatian guy stands on a podium and silently gazes out at the audience for what seemed like about half an hour. Everyone was completely silent. I felt a very strong sense of well-being and waves of energy moving through my body similar to creas or energy releases that sometimes happen in meditation. These sessions had been going on for two days. Ours was the last and the largest. It also featured the voice of Braco. As his voice began to be piped into the sound system I experienced strong anxiety because I couldn't understand what he was saying at all. I started to go off into a story about the woes of my hearing challenges. Aware of what I was doing, ( conscious incompetence- or the awareness of a habitual automatic behavior) I was kind to myself about being in mid-story and brought myself back to the present. I listened in a more focused way, trying to understand what he was saying and realized he was speaking in croatian. I had a giggle to myself and then hung out with the sounds.
I'm not sure how it works or what it was all about exactly and I felt very loving today. I am glad I followed my intuition to go to the event. When I listen to that still, small voice it is always validation to listen some more. I am living my life by honoring that voice more and more.
Two practices came to me this week that I would like to share with you:
One is the stay here mantra. First you draw your circle around yourself in the air- a symbol of sacred space that's made sacred by bringing yourself your own attention.
On an inhalation you say to yourself silently STAY
When you exhale you say to yourself silently HERE
You keep focusing on your breath and repeating stay as you breathe in and here as you breathe out. It is a way to gently call yourself home to this present moment and to being with yourself in your circle. I have been using it both as part of my meditation practice and in my daily life to call myself back when I wander off into a story or feel anxious. It has been very helpful. Tone of voice is important: the stay here is spoken in a kind inviting voice, rather than a voice you would use when training your dog.
The second practice is to place your hand over your heart and feel your love for yourself. Even if it is the size of the head of a pin. Breathe into that love and let yourself feel it in your heart, imagining your love growing and your heart filling. Say to yourself, "I love you and use your name. When I feel my own love for myself and say, I love you Andrea, I imagine that my love goes to the little girl inside me, too. I feel my love for her. In this way I connect to myself and to her and to love. This practice has been comforting and empowering to me. Doing this practice feels as if I am growing love. I hope you enjoy experimenting with these practices.
My computer is not willing to get different sizes, bold or italics or colors of printing right now. So this will be plain and simple and good enough. Blessings, Andrea.

Nature is my temple

Nature is my Temple. I just returned from a silent, camping, hiking meditation retreat in Rochy Mtn Natl Park. This was the second annual solstice vipassana retreat and Gary and I went last year, too. I was struck by how much has happened since last June. Last year I remember being really upset because the ending group sharing was in the darkness and I couldn't hear anyone. I felt very disabled and realized how dependent I was on lip reading. In general I had a good experience at the retreat enough to want to return this year. Little did I know at the time that Gary's house would burn down three months later and that he would loose everything. I had no idea that we would find our dream house in Boulder and that I would be living in two places that I love, that Gary and I would be engaged and that I would move my mother to Boulder. What an exciting and challenging year. I was so aware of my sense of gratefulness at the retreat. My friend Wendy told me at lunch today that she had seen a quote that said that gratefulness is great fullness. That is how I felt- filled with a great sense of fullness that moved like molten gold from my head to my toes. I also felt strong fear as it rained and thundered and lighteninged and we were in our new tent because the old one had burned up. We didn't know if it would hold up in all of the strong wind and rain and it did. The last night of the retreat there was a big rainstorm in the late afternoon and cold temperatures and rain and maybe snow were predicted all night long. We met as a group and decided to stay to finish out the retreat the next day. Half of dinner blew away and everyone managed to still get enough to eat. The cook was very skilled and her food was delicious. She said she had never cooked in those kind of conditions before and it really stretched her out of her comfort zone. It helped her a lot that everyone was really helpful. During the retreat she made special food for those of us with food allergies and placed them in a square made with blue masking tape on the picnic table. I felt very loved and cared for and realized that all of my worrying about what I would eat and all of the extra food I brought were unnecessary. I was aware of how much I worry and saw my worry as an overprotective misguided parent who wanted to protect me from imagined pain. I could be kind to myself about it and even laugh at my urgent attempt to be prepared for the worst only to have the best happen.
That night it stopped raining before dinner. We went out into our meadow surrounded by gorgeous mountain peaks to meditate and listen to a darma talk and meditate again. As the last meditation was finishing at 10pm the thunder and lightening started again and heavy rain continued all through the night. It stopped just after our morning bell rang at 5. We were able to return to our meadow to sit. We could see that where we had hiked the day before was now covered with snow. The retreat was about being in nature and allowing nature to teach us about impermanence, change and connection. She was a persistent teacher offering up many challenges with the weather. I am grateful to get to hang out in my nature temple and pray for a whole weekend with loving teachers and fellow members of this impermanent sangha or community. It's amazing to me how much love I felt for people I didn't speak a word to. I love not speaking because I don't have to worry about hearing. It is such a relief to eat in silence and really be able to taste food. It was inspiring to me to come home and eat more consciously. Although I came home and ate in front of the computer for one meal I do think the rest of the time I have been more aware of what I'm eating. I also decided to go to sleep earlier and get up earlier to allow more time for meditation. I did that last night and today did all of my disciplines before my group at 8:30 this morning. However, right now it is late and I am still writing and cooking and washing clothes. I guess my inspiration from the retreat is to accept that change comes slowly and to treat myself with kindness. It isn't about all or nothing. It is more like the changing from one season to the next little by little. Happy Solstice and a delicious longest day to you.

mom's meds

When I moved my mother to Boulder one of my intentions was to get her off of some of her anti-psychotic meds. Her affect was very flat and she was zoned out in sort of a waking sleep. When a glimmer of wakefulness would come through she would seem to undertstand what was being said to her and sometimes respond, mostly with yes and no. Monnya and I felt Mom's presence very strongly on our trip from Alamogordo to Colorado. It was such a relief to bring her from the locked alzheimer's unit where she was maintained to Anam Chara where she is respected. My doctor, who is a knowledgeable and conscious woman, agreed to have my mother as a patient. The staff at Anam Chara agreed to an experiment to begin to lessen one of my mother's many drugs. The doctor supported this plan and gave us a safe way to begin.
In the first week my mother was agitated and frustrated. In addition she was much more alert and present. She was in her body yet didn't quite know how to handle her new energy. The staff at Anam Chara, used to my mom vegetating, were surprised to find her getting up and walking outside by herself. She fell three times. Once she was found under a lilac bush in the front yard. It isn't clear whether she fell or was just resting. So we all messed with her meds some more trying to find a balance between comfort and presence. Could we find a mix that preserved her new found presence and responsiveness and also allowed her to be comfortable? The doctor has been patient and persistant. I am so grateful to her. She treats my mother as a person. Most people do not treat my mother as a person. Older people with dementia are often treated as disrespectfully as small children and talked about in third person when they are right there.
The caregivers at Anam Chara work hard to create relationships with the residents. One caregiver in particular has really gone to bat for my mom going through her adjustment process with her meds. She knows it will take time to get it worked out and that it may be somewhat uncomfortable for everyone involved. I don't think discomfort is necessarily a bad thing. I think it is important to weigh the pros and cons of change to see what is for the highest good. It is with delight that I watch my mom become more and more responsive.
Her opinions and judgements are returning. In some ways it was a respite from all of that to have her zoned out. However, it is worth it to me to have her quality of life expanding. From what she says it is also worth it to her to be experiencing a heightened level of anxiety in order to be more alert.
I am not around her all day every day. The caregivers are. I so appreciate their efforts to support my mother in returning to her body mind and spirit as much as she is able to. I feel held in love by the whole support team. I am blessed. A caregiver took my mom to a physical therapist yesterday to evaluate her for a walker so she can be more mobile. Before the meds were changed she would never leave her chair or bed unless someone walked her. Now the PT said she felt my mom could navigate learning to use a walker. That is very exciting.
I have to work with my ego about all of this. When I go visit my mom I want her to be more alert and present. Sometimes she is and sometimes she isn't. It seemed last weekend that when I had time to spend with her she was completely zoned out and when I was there for a rushed visit she was alert and interactive. It is a good opportunity to let go of my attachment to things being different than they are and surrender my delusion of control. Letting go and opening to what is has never been my strong suit. I am getting lots of practice.
My mother's process looks like what it looks like. I need to be willing to feel my excitement, disappointment,frustration, boredom, and fear. If I am willing to feel all of what I am feeling it makes more space for the love that bubbles up. This love exists between my mother and I as two human beings sharing this earth school together. I am grateful for the chance to have her be close and to grow with her.

Faking the Funk

One of the people I work with works with homeless people. She cares for children in homeless families providing housing and other services. She described to me about her meeting with an African American client who told her about faking the funk. Faking the funk is a term used when a person is being less than real. I loved the idea that realness is valued and the lack of it is called out. In the Jewish middle class suburban culture I grew up in, realness was not valued. Presenting an image that would be impressive to other people was highly valued. Everything else was a secret which was not ok to be talked about within the family let alone shared with outsiders. " Don't air your dirty laundry." I was told growing up.
Since I heard about faking the funk I have been noticing how much I am afraid to be real with other people and that strength in the mainstream culture is defined as not showing your feelings.
Gary and I have recently joined a meditation sangha (community)where we meditate for an hour with a group of about a dozen people in one of the participants' homes. Then we pass around a talking rock and each person shares what is going on with them. Everyone is very real and I feel close to these people in a way that is disportionate to how long I've known them. Sitting together with the same group of people for an hour once a week creates an atmosphere of safety in which intimacy can grow. The person who is speaking and holding the rock speaks uninterrupted until they bow to the others and pass the rock to the next person. There is the option of passing and not saying anything. One women did a dance for her sharing that was so vividly emotionally expressive. Her sharing inspired me to think outside the box. Before the rock gets to me I work with the urge to prepare what I will say. I bring myself back from my compulsion to plan, presenting a certain image, to giving my total attention to the person sharing. I am working with my tendency to fake the funk. I notice when I feel relaxed and safe it is easier to share something I would really like support with. Soothing myself about wanting to fake the funk and being kind to myself about it fuels my courage to make myself emotionally vulnerable. I have always wanted to be part of a community. Various religious communities I have been a part of for short times end with me feeling that I am up against the dogma. The shoulds have felt like a constraint. It is refreshing to me to be part of this group.
I think my ego or personality strategy is faking the funk. I decided who I needed to be in my family to survive and then I pretended to be that person for so long I forgot I was more than that pretense.
Today I was talking with a client about pleasing. Pleasing behavior at its worst is faking the funk. It is imagining that we have to ignore what feels right to us and do what we think will make the other person love us and stick around. Then when the person we are pretzeling ourselves to please does stick around it proves to us that we aren't lovable as we are. Pausing and taking a breath when faced with another's desires gives a moment to move beyond automatic pilot to our own authentic desire. For those of us who tend to pretzel ourselves, Asking ourselves, what do I want or need here? can be very helpful. For" my way or the highway'"people who have a hard time taking other's wants into consideration taking a deep breath and really listening to what the other person wants can be very healing. I notice myself pretzeling and also sometimes pushing aggressively to get my way. I think there is an element of fear in both stances of not getting what we want. We pretzel or demand instead of being emotionally vulnerable by asking for what we want clearly and directly. It is my intention in writing this blog to let go of faking the funk as much as possible and to be kind to myself when I notice I am. Does the concept of faking the funk resonate with you? How?

This is the practice

I listened to a teleconference call this evening with Doug Bentley, a oneness trainer from India. He spoke about suffering and surrender. He said to remember in the midst of suffering that what is happening in each moment is the practice of moving toward awakening to all of who we are. Experiencing what is, is the path. Surrendering to what is in each moment is the practice.
Driving to teach yoga today I thought, I am so glad I have never locked myself out of the studio. One teacher forgot her keys and had to cancel her class. After that a lock box was installed.
Last Wednesday I had four people in my yoga class and I thought I was OK with that. Then I went to another teacher's class on Thursday and there were 22 people. I compared myself to her and decided that people weren't coming to my class because it wasn't as good as hers. I dreaded going to class today because I believed the story I had made up and was sure very few people would come. Fourteen students arrived and I got to see the power of my negative stories. I was able to forgive myself for clobbering myself with my story and realized again that judging my worth by how many people show up to my yoga class leaves me very vulnerable to outside validation. My intention is to enjoy teaching my class whoever shows up to take it. This process is ongoing. I was chuckling to myself about my process when I deftly locked the door to the office with my purse and keys in it. I had a momentary sinking feeling because my car key was also in my purse. I breathed and tapped in to the growing part of me that trusts that everything is OK. I found the lock box and tried the number I had written in my class folder. It didn't work. I had to climb up on a high ledge to reach the lock box and I fell and skinned my knee. I started to get very scared that this wouldn't work out and I would be stranded in the pouring rain without a car, unable to lock the studio. Luckily I had my appointment book with the owner's cell phone in it. My cell phone was in my purse but the insurance office downstairs was open. I reached the owner of the yoga studio and got the correct number for the lock box and relieved, went outside to open it. It didn't work. I called the owner back and repeated back to her what I had done. It turned out I had heard the number wrong. Sometimes it is such a challenge to have a hearing loss. The owner was very loving and the woman in the insurance office was very supportive. Now the box opened. The feeling of trust that everything is OK was nourished and grew. I am starting to see more and more after my almost flat tire of last week and my lock-out this week that the more I can include in what is OK
the more OK I am and life is. This is the practice.