Saturday, August 15, 2020

Shoulds and wants

 The Buddha talked about desire and craving. Desire is something you want and is healthy for humans. Cravings are something we think we need to have or do to be OK. A desire would be, I’d like a chocolate cookie. A craving would be, I just had an upsetting phone call and if I can’t get to the refrigerator soon enough, and shove some food in my mouth, I won’t be OK, even though I’m not hungry.

When I was running I was thinking about what the Buddha said and all the Shoulds I have in my life. I should meditate every day, I should exercise every day, I should make sure that other people are pleased with me, I should always do what I think is expected of me and on and on.

What if shoulds are craving? If I think I need to do something or not do something to be OK as a person that is a craving. A should is something I think I need to do or not do to be OK. So shoulding on myself is pretending that being OK as a person, is conditional. Not only that but my shoulds can keep me from healthy desire. If I am concerned about what I should do, what I want to do isn’t a consideration. Relying on outside validation or my perception of outside validation (what someone else thinks) in making decisions keeps me from internal validation or what feels right to me.

So what if the antidote for shoulds is healthy desire? When I tell myself I should do something as if the self worth police have decreed it, I miss out on the opportunity to notice what I actually want or don’t want.

A friend of mine thought that as a therapist she should work with a very high conflict couple. She made up a story that she shouldn’t let this couple down. She decided it must mean she wasn’t a good enough therapist. When she asked herself what do I want, she realized she wanted to refer the couple to someone who specialized in high conflict couples. Without her shoulds, everyone’s needs could be better met.

Another friend felt she should give her time she set aside to be with herself to a person who wanted her help to solve a problem. This friend had a pattern of throwing herself under the bus to meet other’s needs. When she asked herself, what do I want? She realized she wanted some time to herself and apologized to the other person for saying she’d call her back and that she trusted her colleagues ability to solve her own problem.

For me, I have this delicious day all to myself to do whatever I want. There are so many shoulds I could do today. Being what I consider productive is one of them. I should really revisit that on-line class I never finished, today. I have the time? Yes, I do and what do I want?

In working with a should, I recognize and allow the should to be there. I should finish the on-line class today. It’s a good idea because indeed I do have the time. I pause and be quiet and breathe into the idea. Sometimes a should can transform into a want. Maybe, I’d like to finish the course so how much do I want to do today? However, as I look inside now, the answer is I don’t want to work on the course today at all.I am trusting that someday I will either want to work on the course enough to go back to it or I will eventually let go of it and be OK with that. I am OK whether I finish that course or not. As long as I am shoulding on myself about finishing the course, I am pretending that being OK depends on my doing or not doing my should.

Do I want to go to sleep when I think I should? Choosing consciously empowers me. Automatic pilot shoulds rob me of conscious choice. Do I wan to stay up reading a novel? Do I have to stay up til I finish it like I think I should or is what I want to finish the chapter and go to sleep? Choices have consequences and conscious choices have conscious consequences. Can I chose to do what I want knowing that choice is a creative experiment?

I went for a bike ride and I decided to do an experiment to not take water with me and drink before I went. Even though I thought I should take my water bottle, I decided not to. I thought it could mean less stops and a faster smoother ride. Well, it could have, however I was really thirsty. In this way a should transformed into healthy desire. Now I want to take my water bottle when I ride my bike. I notice my energy is behind drinking water more now and I am less likely to forget my water bottle.

I let my shoulds keep me from expressing myself creatively. Writing or painting or making a card usually loses out to a should. Can I trust that things that need to get done, will get done, if I let myself know what I want and do what I want. I have noticed that washing dishes has become more pleasurable when I let myself want to. Never leave dirty dishes in the sink, my should, has transformed into enjoying playing in warm soapy water and the feeling of satisfaction of a clean kitchen. However, vacuuming has not become a desire yet and my carpet looks as if no one has given it attention in a month, which would be true.

I think I should have written a deeper blog today. There will always be more shoulds. When I can recognize my shoulds, allow them to be there and then ask myself what do I want?, I can be happier and more satisfied with my life. What I wanted to write was this blog. I am glad I paused and gave myself permission to consider that what I wanted to do is write my blog today. 

I support you in noticing your shoulds and kindly asking yourself, what do I want? Noticing a should  allows the space to open to healthy desire. My body appreciates the opportunity to move from the tension in my neck and shoulders that comes with a should to the deeper easier breath that accompanies a want.

Doing what I want doesn’t come without guilt. Part of what I want is to move from the resentments of doing my shoulds through the guilt of doing what I want (and my fear of disappointing others,) to the eventual peace of knowing that doing what I want supports all of us. When I do what I want, I can better support others genuinely. Thank you for listening.