Two Rivers

 Tonight in a class a woman shared about a dream she had with two rivers. One was turbulent with rushing water and pieces of debris being dragged along with the current. The water was unsettled and muddy.

The other river was calm and clear and flowed along serenely. The person sharing was in a situation with an unknown outcome. She decided to pause and consider that the two different rivers represented a choice. Her choice wasn’t about which course of action to follow in her decision. Her choice was about which river to choose about her reaction to the decision making process. Would she choose to be in turmoil or serenity about the outcome of her dilemma? She chose to be accepting of  whatever the outcome was, knowing she would be OK either way. The calm river to her was the river of letting go of anxiety about the outcome of her situation- trusting that whatever happened would be what happened.

I got to use the pausing and two rivers concept right after the class. In a new relationship I was feeling neglected. I paused and considered two rivers: The turbulent one was taking the other person’s busyness personally and withdrawing.  I knew the other person being temporarily unavailable had nothing to do with me. In the past that hasn’t stopped me from making up a story that I am being abandoned and reacting with anger, either by accusing or withdrawing. When I paused I could see both rivers. The calm river flowed by. It represented trusting my knowing rather than my story. What if I chose the calm river this time? I knew I could be compassionate with myself about my discomfort. I could show up for myself and  reassure myself about feeling hurt. I could comfort myself about feeling sad instead of getting mad and believing my old story. I could then be supportive of the other person completing their current stressful report and offer encouragement to keep going because they were almost done. 

I chose the calm river. What a good feeling to deeply know that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Pausing before the two rivers was a powerful way to chose anew.

My favorite quote, which I’ve mentioned before,  is by Victor Frankl.

 Freedom is the pause between stimulus and response. 

Reacting with anger or withdrawing in response to imagined abandonment is a patterned response with a lot of history for me. Pausing at the stimulus, which is whatever another is doing that triggers me into my habitual response, allows me to sooth myself and show up for myself about what I am feeling. I can comfort the little girl inside me who felt abandoned by my emotionally unavailable Dad, and let her experience her hurt and anger. I can let her know that she didn’t do anything wrong. I can reassure her that her father was acting distracted and withdrawn because that’s what he did with his own pain. It had nothing to do with her. I could even go back in time to advocate for her with my Dad and let him know that withdrawing emotionally was an unacceptable way to treat a little girl. I could let him know I was taking her home with me where she could be loved in the way she deserved to be. Then I could hold her and let her cry. In this way I could create the shift to begin to heal the past in the present. It’s also important to acknowledge ourselves for choosing the calm river and doing things differently when we do. 

Consider pausing and thinking about those two rivers when you are faced with a dilemma or find yourself poised to react in a habitual way. I think it will even be helpful to me after I’ve reacted in a habitual way and chose the turbulent river, to consider what the calm river might have been. Hopefully I can be accepting of what is and forgiving with myself about reacting habitually. Acceptance and forgiveness allows me to be kinder to myself. Kindness and compassion can help create the spaciousness needed to chose a healthier option in the future. Pausing at the banks of  those two rivers can be an  opportunity to create change that comes from acceptance. That kind of change feels healthy and sustainable to me.

Thank you for listening.

 Andrea

Motorcycle helmets and vaccinations

 Last week I had a rude awakening. On a dating site I had two conversations with two men I considered to be intelligent,  aware people who weren’t getting vaccinated. I expressed curiosity to both of them about where they were coming from. I told one of them that I didn’t know anyone who hadn’t been vaccinated and had thought previously that people who were choosing not to get vaccinated were from the far right of the political spectrum. Neither of these people fit my stereotype. This person after telling me that he didn’t believe in big pharma and that the government wasn’t to be trusted, said that he didn’t know anyone who was vaccinated. He also said that it didn’t feel good to him to put this vaccine into his body and that he would trust that he wouldn’t get COVID or that he would have a mild case. I was glad I got the chance to be curious and learn. 

I remember when I felt like I was healthy and strong and took great care of myself and would never get COVID,  before I got COVID. COVID was my teacher. It taught me to honor the process by which it moved through my body by doing little else besides sleeping for ten days. It taught me to be open to getting a vaccine. I knew clearly the experience of having COVID, although I would say I had a medium case, avoiding hospitalization and death, was not something I was willing to repeat. I was convinced that the science on the effects of the vaccine in no way compared to the effects of having COVID. 

We are all in this together. This virus affects all of us. I read the other day about the difference between motorcycle helmets and a pandemic. If a person chooses not to wear a motorcycle helmet because he feels it interferes with his personal  freedom only his own head gets bashed in in the event of an accident. With COVID we are all interconnected and it seems to me that worrying about infringement of individual preferences is superceeded by large numbers of people dying from this virus. I believe vaccinations have been proven to slow the spread of the virus.

My vision is that over the course of the next few months there will be a realization that we all need to pull together to heal the planet from this virus. The earth is telling us we need to pay attention. What if how we deal with vaccinations is a trial run for how we deal with climate change? I am hoping for people in this country who have decided not to be vaccinated to change their minds in large numbers so we can collectively bring the numbers down of people dying from COVID and begin the larger job of living together in a way that honors Mother Earth and each other. 

Thank you for listening. 

Introspection

 Introspection

Introspection is alive and well within me

Like a little ant crawling on my skin

Easy to ignore for more important pursuits.

Until a sleepless night reminds me

That I have been avoiding myself.

“If you won’t listen to me when you are awake

I will get through to you at 3am.”

I listen.

I vow I no longer need to injure myself 

Or get sick to slow down

And pay attention to myself.

Being with the experience of mad, sad, scared and glad 

In my body

Opens the wellspring of joy beneath.

In this way I can show up for myself gratefully

And avoid the universe’s escalating reminders of neglect

A gentle tap

A little nudge

A slap

A punch

The cosmic two by four.

Dating at 71

Dating at 71 

I speak my truth from my heart with more courage and consistency.

I am more curious and less judgmental.

I am more willing to set healthy boundaries and keep them.

I am less desperate to be in a relationship and more content with being alone.

I am more aware of losing myself in the search and better able to breathe and return to my body in the present moment.

I am enjoying getting to know people more and learning discernment about what I want and don’t want.

I am less polite and more direct.

I am more aware of the importance of being compassionate and kind and treating people respectfully.

I take rejection less personally and can practice self compassion and comfort myself more easily when I do take rejection personally.

I know that we are all one and that because we are all connected how I treat others is how I want to be treated.

I am listening more and talking less.

I value silence and stillness and have less need to fill pauses.

I am more confident of my own worth and beauty and of what I have to offer.

I am learning to be more playful and have more fun.

I am learning that less is more and that more isn’t always better. 

I am less urgent and more patient and can work with my tendency to jump in too fast and honor the cadence of going slow and trusting what feels right.

I am aware of my old unmet needs in my relationship with my father growing up and willing to see my present triggers as past hurts and work on them. 

It is easier to get support from trusted friends and resource people and be real about being mad sad scared and glad. 

I am grateful to be more willing to let go of the outcome and show up for myself with whatever I am experiencing. 

Even though dating at 71 is challenging I am learning a lot and appreciate the opportunity to connect with other fellow human beings who are both different and the same as me.