Blessings

Today I am feeling bathed in blessings. Since I have been working with my recently remembered experience of childhood sexual abuse, I have received support from many people. My partner has been so there for me. He has held me when I cried, listened to my anger and let me know in so many ways that I am safe with him now. I finally get it that I am safe with him and my ambivalence about our relationship has been melting away. I don't think it was ever safe for me to be in a committed relationship before because of the wounding to my trust that happened from being violated sexually. I couldn't trust myself to be myself and to let myself be fully known. I have spent much of my life walking around feeling like there is something wrong with me, instead of being able to remember that something very wrong happened to me. I was sure if I let myself be fully known that my fatal flaw would be discovered and I would be abandoned. So,in my mind, I have always kept one foot out the door in all of my relationships. I am sad that I couldn't have remembered this many years ago. I think my life would have been really different. I also know that I remembered when I was ready to remember. Healing from being molested as a child is possible now because of the amazing support system that surrounds me. Some have done healing sessions with me, all of them have listened to me. Each time I share the details with someone I have chosen to share it with I experience being validated from the outside which allows me to grow stronger on the inside. It does bring up a lot of emotion to share what I have remembered. Sometimes I can feel myself shrinking back and feeling guilty for laying this burden on the people I love. Not letting other people know I need support is part of what I thought I had to do to survive. The people I feel the closest to are the ones who share the most openly with me. I have learned through sharing my memories that it is now safe to be emotionally vulnerable in a deeper way. Noone has shunned me or abandoned me because of what happened to me. I know it is difficult and upsetting for the people I love to hear me because they love me and wish it didn't happen. I have felt nothing but encouragement and support for my healing process. I grew up thinking I was too much and I had to dilute myself to be loved. Although I have strong feelings, they are not too much for the people who love me now. I am not too much. I am learning that it is OK to be me and to let myself be loved.
I went to see my therapist yesterday. She is getting ready to leave her practice in a few weeks. That is hard for me. She has a great deal of experience helping people heal from sexual abuse and it is a great loss to me that she is leaving now.
As I described what I have remembered and we worked through it she validated that from what she heard and saw, she was sure it had really happened. That was very helpful in that there was still a part of me that didn't want to believe it really happened. Today I am clear that this memory has surfaced because it is time for it to surface. I have the resources both inside me and outside in my life to use what happened to grow into more of myself. I have the chance to open to all of who I am and to love myself for all of it. That is truely a gift and for that gift I am grateful. I know that everytime I get a flashback or a wave of grief or anger or fear arises, if I am willing to be present with myself and to feel the feeling fully it will release, leaving more space for me to breathe and to be. This spaciousness is what makes fully committing to this healing process worthwhile. I appreciate all of you for listening. I appreciate your comments and your presence. I hope this is inspiring all of us to be with what we are afraid of in ourselves and to open to greater self-acceptance. Thank you.

Andie writing

I wrote to my inner eight year old in my journal tonight. I am reading The Courage to Heal; A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. The book is a timeless healing workbook even though it was written in 1988. In the chapter about the inner child they suggest contacting the child within through writing. I wrote to her and asked what she would like to do together to help her get that I am there for her. She said she wanted to paint in pretty colors on big paper. Tomorrow we will go to Hobby Lobby and get art supplies. It will be fun to paint together. She also said she would like to write. I began writing in a diary when I was eight years old. I didn't write about the abuse that happened to me because I didn't remember it until recently.
We are doing an experiment. She is now going to write on this blog.
Hi, My name is Andie. I am eight years old. I love to sing really loud and dance around my back yard. I don't do it very much because it makes my Mom mad. She says I can't sing. I like the way I sing. I like to eat cookies. When my Mom is upstairs I climb up on the counter where the cookie jar is and eat as many as I can as fast as I can until I hear my Mom coming down the stairs. Then I jump down really fast. I go out and play with the other kids. We play on our jungle gym in the backyard. It is a spaceship and all of us in the neighborhood fly off into space. Mark is bossy. I want to drive the spaceship.When my Dad comes home from work I am really glad. I want to tell him about school. My Mom says," Don't bother your father. He is tired." I want to talk to my father. He is reading the newspaper. He starts to listen to me and puts down the newspaper. I'm talking about what happened at school today. I got picked last for kickball. I got all the words right on my spelling test. I walked home with my friend Eileen. We petted Pammy , the dog.
Dad's newspaper creeps back up in front of his face. Why isn't he listening to me? I love to read. I love to read Honey Bunch books. I love to read Nancy Drew books. I am really smart. Everyone says so. I love to read with my legs up on the chair in the hall . When everyone is sleeping I read my book with the nightlight. I read for a long time. Sometimes my mom lets me stay home from school because I am tired from staying up reading. I get to read a lot more and eat grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup. I love grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup. I like my room. It is pink. I like to sit at my desk and play school. I am the teacher. I take attendance and give the children work to do and stories to read.
When I am at school some of the kids talk back to the teacher. I want to read my book. It is in my desk and I read it when I finish my work. I like walking home from school. There are lots of big steps we walk down. I love to write. This has been very fun. Bye.
Thanks for listening and supporting my healing process. Would your little child inside like to write? Would you be willing to let that happen?

healing

I have been wondering whether to write about what I've recently discovered. Somehow it seemed too heavy to write about in my blog. I feel shame about what happened to me even though I know in my head it wasn't my fault. I am writing this to heal and grow and to let others know that sexual abuse is nothing to be ashamed of. That little girl that I was did nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with her.
In a PSYCh-K session I remembered an experience of childhood sexual abuse. At first I wanted to deny that it really happened and yet my body knew otherwise. As I let in the reality of being violated, it made so many things make sense. I have often wondered why I am such a passionate woman and yet at the same time I have been so ambivalent about sex. I have wondered why it has been so difficult for me to stay in a long-term committed relationship. I always knew something had happened to me. I had previously remembered energetic sexual abuse when, as a child, I felt uncomfortable sexual energy coming my way. It was a relief to have this memory surface in such a visceral way. I was eight when the abuse happened. I don't remember it feeling traumatic at the time. I do remember a sense of discomfort and unease that it didn't feel right. At the time I buried the memory of it. Now it is part of my life and I have begun the work of integrating by getting help in going back to the experience.I am feeling strong feelings of sadness and anger and fear. I am so sorry this happened to me and yet I am willing to use this to know myself in a deeper way. I let the little girl inside me know that I am here for her and that I will protect her now. I have taken her out of the situation and brought her home with me. I have asked my spiritual support to be with her when I am busy with other things. I check in with that little eight year old every morning to let her know she is safe and cared for. I feel a deeper sense of love for her. I am writing in my journal and talking to friends and have more scheduled counseling sessions. What I hope is that I can use the awareness and acceptance of this experience to have more access to the creativity, spontaneity and passion for life that that little girl has. I hope I can grow as a woman from showing up more fully for that little girl. I hope that opening more to all of what she experienced and I am now experiencing will enable me to have a richer fuller life. I believe that the more we accept what we find unacceptable the more space there is to be conscious of the sense of connection and wonder that waits us underneath our resistance to what is. Accepting what is allows us to experience all there is. The gift of this experience is that it will empower me to know that what I want is OK and that doing what feels right to me, even if it is unpopular, is my path to freedom.

Computer

My computer crashed this weekend. It's hard to believe how dependant I have become on e-mail communication until it is no longer available. I was in withdrawl. It has become so habitual for me to check my e-mail numerous times a day. I work at home and my computer is always there when I want to avoid doing something else or have a little tension release. The crumbs in my keypad attested to the fact that I had even begun to eat meals sitting in front of my computer. I had even slipped back into browsing on e-bay occasionally late at night which really messed with my sleep.
I decided the best choice was to replace my aging slow moving computer with a newer model and Gary and I went to the store to look on Saturday. I wanted to think about which one to get overnight. The clerk said the store would open at 10 on Sunday and we agreed to return after yoga in the morning. We arrived at the store and it was closed. The clerk hadn't realized it was closed on Easter Sunday.
At a different store they were out of the model I wanted and we would have had to drive 40 minutes to a different branch to get it. The choice was to wait until the next day or use the beautiful Sunday to drive around looking for a computer.
Gary was leaving to go home the next afternoon to prepare for a business trip/vacation to Mexico the next day. There are some definite benefits to having a long distance relationship and having to set up a computer myself after he goes home is not one of them. We both were feeling a sense of urgency about handling it now. I tuned into my intuition and clearly got to wait, go home, eat lunch, go for a walk and handle the computer in the morning. It worked for me that he felt a little guilty that the computer crashed when he was doing a search, even though it had been ailing for a while. He was willing to get the computer on Monday and help me to set it up before going home.
As we ate and walked and relaxed watching a movie that night, I was so grateful to have the time to be together and enjoy each other instead of running around after a computer at a store that didn't feel as good to me. Monday morning we were at the store when it opened and I felt good about my choice.
I am writing this on my new computer which I am enjoying very much. I have set some clearer boundaries to better take care of myself. I have realized that intention is very important in any activity. Doing something unconsciously or consciously makes all the difference. My intention is to use my computer consciously. If I have the desire to use the computer to distract myself from something else I need to do or to relax because it is fun, I will check in with myself first to see if that is what I really want to do. There is nothing wrong with desire. It is acting on automatic pilot with our desires that creates suffering.
Also my new keypad is free of crumbs. I have unsuccessfully separated eating and reading at my kitchen table and I am OK with that for now. Eating while sitting at my computer doesn't feel good to me. It has been easy to eat elsewhere. I am learning that making decisions from the inside according to what feels right works a lot better than a list of shoulds.
I have noticed in the last few days that I feel less anxious. Maybe it is partly because I am taking more time to be with myself and be quiet and less time on the computer. I have been meditating on most nights before bed which I know helps me to sleep better. What is your relationship with your computer? Could it use a little conscious attention?