Opportunity

I'm not sure what to write about. Sometimes when I am in this place and I have time to write something ends up flowing out of me. It's almost as if it writes itself. Tonight I am aware of how much I have been running from being quiet. I am eating past the point of being full and picking my nails more. When it is cold out I feel more anxious. I have this disconnect in my brain that says when I am cold eat. It feels good to write about this and sit with the feeling of wanting to eat and not rush to the refridgerator to allay my anxiety. What is going on with me? What is behind my desire to eat anything that isn't nailed down. I notice a vague sense of unease. My breathing is shallow and I'm experiencing a sense of urgency.What am I running from by distracting myself with thoughts of what I will do next?
As I sit here breathing I notice tension in my chest as if I am afraid to breathe fully. It's almost as if some scary character from my past, like a big scary gunslinging cowboy I wouldn't want to encounter, is waiting for me under my breath so I keep it shallow to avoid meeting up with him. Sometimes I feel this anxious feeling that has no name and no story. My fear of the feeling is much worse than the feeling itself. As I breathe more deeply into my chest I notice a catch in my breath. There's the place I don't want to go.
Well, I guess I did want to go there because right after I wrote that last line the power went out in my house momentarily.My computer needed to restart and i couldn't get to my e-mail. I took it as an opportunity to be with myself and breath until I was able to write about it again. Under the tension is my critical ego voice telling me I am doing it wrong." I am wasting my life, nothing brings me joy anymore. I am going to be sixty and I will never be satisfied. I make choices that don't support my full aliveness. I settle. I sell out. I want too much. My expectations are unreasonable. Life will never live up to what I want. Why can't I be satisfied with what I have? " The basic message is " I am doing it wrong". I feel the gripping tension in my chest and the desire to spin a story about my relationship that proves that I am doing it wrong. That is door A. The habitual place I go to to run from the present moment.That's the canon fodder that feeds the fire of doing it wrong. Door B is to breathe and do something different. Just noticing Door A and its familiar appeal is the ticket to Door B. Awareness with compassion moves me toward the present moment where my egoic voice of "I am doing it wrong." can't meet me. It has on a hat and hats aren't allowed here. It has to leave and find something else to do. I get it that spinning a story that proves to me that I am doing it wrong keeps me in door A and keeps my critical ego in charge. What if doing it wrong is a myth I tell myself that perpetuates avoiding present moment awareness? What if doing it wrong doesn't really exist? What if doing it wrong is a deep fear I walk around with that is actually what keeps me from being with myself enough to know what really feels good to me?
What if with my breath into this moment I can move beyond doing it wrong and doing it right to what resonates with who I am in this moment? In this moment writing about this process is juicy for me. The tension in my chest and the urgency and anxiety and the overeating and the nail picking are all messengers that the present moment is calling to me and my vehicle of transportation is my breath. What if doing it wrong is really believing that I am doing it wrong and acting as if that were something I needed to defend myself against?
If you look at your own inner voices or critical ego what is the bottom line negative belief you are telling yourself? If you don't know, see what happens when you ask the part of you that knows. What if thinking you don't know is a roadblock to the knowing, like a flagman that says you can't go here?
The tension has been replaced by excitement about this process unfolding. In the presence process this week my present activating statement is, " I consciously respond to all my experiences. "I am starting to see the path of presence as a journey toward all of who I am that is actually underway. That is exciting. I can use whatever I am experiencing to bring me to this moment even if I am already actively engaged in automatic pilot door A. Door B or conscious awareness of this moment is just a breath away. What is your whoosh? The knee-jerk that draws you into doorA in such a familiar way it almost feels like an old friend? What is your canon fodder? What is the story you spin that proves to you that Door A is all there is? What about a breath into the awareness that automatic pilot is only one option and that conscious breathing will bring us to Door B, the possibility of other options.We don't even have to know what they are. only that other options exist. That is alot.
May 2010 be filled with whatever it is filled with and may you use it to bring yourself back to your own center, the indwelling place of right here and right now. Thanks for being an important part of my process. I hope I have contributed to yours.Warm blessings, Andrea

Light and Darkness

What do Christmas, Chanukah, and Solstice have in common? To my mind they all celebrate Light. In my understanding of mystical Christianity, the birth of Christ symbolizes the birth of christ-consciousness or awareness of the divine or divine light within. Hanukah is the festival of light. In mystical Judaism that light represents the birth of awareness within. This light of awareness has the ability to illuminate our ego or personality strategy so we can release our habitual patterns and heal. Solstice is the celebration of the longest night and the returning of the light. It honors both the darkness and the light. It is important to me that in celebrating light we also celebrate darkness. Light wouldn't exist without darkness to be in contrast to it and neither would darkness esxist without light. I like to do spiritual practice that honors the darkness as well as the light. Let's say the light represents spiritual awareness and the darkness represents the stillness and quiet in which to realize the light. On Christmas when my daughter was small she and I and her father would sometimes sit in a darkened room and gaze at the lighted Christmas tree. On Chanukah I have a ritual of lighting a menorah, turning off all of my lights and watching the candles burn down. Gary and I went to a solstice party where by candlelight we all shared our personal thoughts or poems or chants about darkness and light. At this time of year we may be connecting with family and friends and appreciating them. It is also important to balance that with spending quiet time alone being still honoring darkness and light. It seems especially needed after spending time running around darting in and out of crowded stores under florescent lights. I want to be still and quiet the least when I need to do it the most. When I'm not centered quiet time seems overwhelming to fit into my schedule. I forget that being overwhelmed is a signal to me to slow down and be with myself.
So in this holiday season let's make a pact to breathe and remember our light within. Take a few full deep breaths right now allowing your breath to move into your belly and your heart.
Breathe into the light of awareness that is shining brightly within you.Take the time to be still and quiet, sit in the darkness and honor the light. I leave you with the words of Rumi:

Sit down and be quiet.
You are drunk and this is the edge of the roof.

I wish you holidays filled with whatever they are filled with.
Much love,
Andrea

The presence process

I have an unexpected hour. A client didn't remember her appointment. Although I am anxious when that happens and often feel abandoned, like I have been stood up, I also feel grateful for the time. I didn't know how I would find the time to write today and I wanted to. Here it is and here I am. Thanks for being with me again. I am glad to be home from my trip to Mexico. I had a lovely time. I especially enjoyed taking six yoga classes and hiking with Gary to a giant waterfall. I led Laughter yoga while I was there and as always I appreciate the opportunity to be a complete idiot that Laughter Yoga brings.
I am reading a book called the Presence Process by Michael Brown. My friend Ginger told me about it. Over the years Ginger has told me about several things and I do them. Her enthusiasm for healing and growth lets me know her recommendations are ones to consider. Michael Brown was in chronic pain for twenty years. He tried everything eastern and western to help himself. What helped him was what he calls the presence process. I had read the introductory materials before I left and I began the presence process while in Mexico. This is a ten week commitment to do fifteen minutes of conscious breathing twice a day, use what he calls presence activating statements and read the book. The purpose is to uncover, release and heal repressed emotional experiences from the past. This increases the capacity to experience the present moment. I am finding it to be very challenging and extremely satisfying. My present activating statement for this week is: I chose to experience this moment. I have been using it frequently.
It is helping me to see that I can be present in this moment whatever this moment happens to look like. Sometimes I like the moment and sometimes I don't. When I chose to experience this moment I notice I am grateful to be writing this blog. There is such a simple pleasure to be sharing my experience from my heart with you.
It was fun to be on vacation and I love being home. After about nine days I was ready to come home. My life is so full and satisfying just as it is. I am grateful for that too. I have wanted to do spiritual practice in the evening before I go to sleep for many years. I often start and last a few days or a few weeks. Committing to doing fifteen minutes of conscious breathing for the fifteen minutes before I go to bed each night for ten weeks is a real stretch for me. I am hoping that in ten weeks it will be second nature. One way to practice chosing consciously( Door B) over chosing habitually (Door A) is to commit to a practice of choosing Door B over a period of time. Making an agreement to do this process before I go to bed and when I first wake up for ten weeks brings up stuff just by itself. Michael Brown says to see everything that comes up as part of the process even resistance to the process. I notice I am calmer and more peaceful sometimes and more in touch with my joy and also that I have been near panic a few times. I have been quicker to react angrily and quicker to get over things. It has only been six days. I am eager to experience these 10 weeks moment by moment. I love being challenged to look at myself. I think of it as deep fun. Except when I don't and then I want to shut my heart down and run away from it all. The problem is always when I run away from it all I have to take myself with me.
This morning it was challenging to do the process first thing.I was putzing around a little and making myself wrong for it. Then I realized the book says as soon as possible upon awakening and I cut myself some slack. It's more challenging to do something first thing here than it was on vacation. I have to be aware of the little sabateur that says, What about checking your e-mail? What about eating breakfast? Arent't you really hungry?Etc. Etc.
Fifteen minutes goes by quickly so far. I will keep you posted. If the spirit moves you to check out this book it is available on amazon. It would be fun to have you do it and to give each other support through this blog. Or not. Is there something that you have been wanting to commit to that you could allow yourself to welcome your resistance in for tea and to do what you've been wanting to do? It could be small or big. What's the next step? How would it impact your life to do something you've been wanting to do and haven't let yourself? If the spirit moves you go for it. If you feel like sharing what it is feel free. The link goes through to my e-mail now. I'll talk to you next week.

Enneagram

I will be taking a break from writing until the week of December 15th. I am going on vacation and won't readily have access to e-mail. Maybe you would want to browse the achived blogs while I am gone. I look forward to reconnecting when I return.
My friend Lori is a superb teacher of the enneagram. She interviews nine people, one from each type in the Enneagram in front of her classes. It is a great way to get a real life experience of the personality strategy of each type. For those of you who don't know, the enneagram is a psycho-spiritual system of understanding nine different personality strategies. Understanding the type you most resonate with provides a map with which to move from automatic pilot to conscious healthier choices. The enneagram is a tool to learn mindfulness and compassion for ourselves and others. I have studied the enneagram for 30 years and am quite passionate about using it to help myself and others. I was the representative of the four in Lori's Enneagram workshop on Saturday.The four is called the Tragic Romantic or the artist. It was exciting and scary to be interviewed about my take on the world in front of a group of people. Gary came to the workshop to learn more about me and about the Enneagram. I was very pleased that he came.
I learned a lot about myself from Lori's skilled questioning. For instance, abandonment is a much bigger issue than I had realized before. A lot of my anger and judgement toward Gary is because I feel abandoned by him. Our long distance relationship has separation built in. We see each other on the weekends. It often takes me most of the weekend to feel reconnected with him after we have been apart for a week. I feel protective ,critical and edgy when we first get together. I think that we both understood more about why this is so difficult for me and how important it is for me that he validates my feelings instead of trying to fix them. We have both been confused about which type he resonates with the most. I was frustrated because it is such a helpful tool for couples. Part of what I wasn't listening to was that he was confused, not that he wasn't interested. One of my growth edges in this lifetime is to learn to take things less personally. I sometimes see Gary as my enemy and attribute him with deliberate unkindness. I am realizing that his jibes are more often his way of protecting himself from communicating his anger directly. I can tell him that I feel hurt without making up a story that I need to leave the relationship. My friend Wendy was very helpful to me on Saturday before the workshop in helping me to see that I could ask Gary for what I wanted clearly and directly. He heard me and I felt so much better and was able to go into the workshop feeling more centered. Neutrality is rare for me. I often feel very strong feelings. My challenge is to know that I have feelings, not that I am my feelings. Then it is easier for me to get underneath the story I am making up to the sensation of the feeling in my body. In this way I bring my presence to my experience and the emotion can release. Emotion is energy in motion. I am learning that equanimity follows this experiencing and releasing process. What do you notice about your own experience of emotion? Are you learning to discern the story you are making up and wrapping your mind around over and over and to go underneath it to the sensation in your body that the emotion brings?
Maybe this time would be a good time to learn more about the enneagram. If you wish to, http://www.enneagraminstutute.com/ has some good clear information and several assessment tools. Have a lovely Thanksgiving whatever you are doing. I am grateful for you, for providing me this vehicle to share my learning and growing with you. I look forward to writing and sharing with you the week of December 15th.

being real

Last week I wrote about my envy of the skilled and lithe yoga teacher Angela Farmer. One of my yoga students was moved by my blog and sent it to a woman who was in contact with Angela. Yesterday I received a warm and lovely reply from Angela acknowledging my being real. By writing about my shadow self, the part of me I think I need to keep hidden to be accepted, surprising and heartwarming things come my way. I am finding the more I am willing to be my authentic self the more easily my life flows. Now this has a caveat. In the beginning it was very important to me to make myself emotionally vulnerable with people who supported me. I don't think it is smart to be real with people who will ridicule or get defensive in other unpleasant or unkind ways. We live in a culture that values pretense. In many situations what works the best is the presentation that appears the most confident. In the beginning of my journey toward increased authenticity I made the mistake of sharing my soul with people who judged me for not having it all together. I ended up feeling misunderstood and messed up. At first I thought if I shared myself honestly it would motivate other people to share themselves honestly. Then I would create the deeper connection I was seeking. Two problems: One is that when I am giving to get I rarely get what I imagined. The second is that I needed to develop discernment about taking care of myself with my sharing. If a person wants to share honestly my doing so could create some safety for him or her to do what he or she wanted to do anyway. I began to develop better detectors for my own emotional safety. How do I tell whether a person will be receptive to dropping down below a superficial exchange? In the beginning I resisted having a superficial exchange. I began to see a value in small talk. I saw how jumping right in was pretty intense for most other people even though they might be comfortable in a few exchanges. What were some good ways to drop down? It's always a good idea to ask the other person a question that you really want to know the answer to and then to listen to the answer attentively. It's amazing how much safety this can create and how much spaciousness for a satisfying exchange to occur. Also a comment about your present time experience provides an oppportunity to connect in the present. For instance," I am enjoying this party. It's kind of surprising given how challenging social situations can be for me." Eye contact and slowing down my breathing are helpful tools to relax and show up. What has worked for you when you want to connect?
After alot of practice being myself with other people has gotten much easier.I used to worry much more about what other people thought of me. Now I realize that other people are not usually thinking about me at all because they are more concerned with what I am thinking of them. I am now more able to validate internally.Internal validation is knowing I am OK from the inside rather than seeking external validation from others. This is not to say that I don't still take things personally. I am still the queen of taking things personally. What's changed is that I can sometimes notice my own reactivity with mindfulness and compassion. What do you notice about being more of your authentic self with others? What's scary about it? What's in it for you to do it?Is there someone you'd like to get to know better? A good place to start is to tell the person you'd like to get to know them better and suggest a meeting. Is there someone you'd be willing to practice on? I appreciate praciticing with you. Feel free to write comments to my blog. The e-mail link is now working.

Envy

In the Enneagram, each point has what's called a passion. The passion in the enneagram is the energy that moves us away from our center toward our personality. For the one it is self-righteous anger, the two is pride, the three is vanity, the four is envy, the five is avarice,the six is fear, the seven is gluttony, the eight is lust and the nine is sloth. Today I read an article by Sally Klempton about envy. Since I identify the most with the four type, envy is my passion.
The article suggested that envy can be subtle. It can masquerade as irritation or annoyance with another person. Sally directs us to explore underneath the annoyance to see if envy lurks underneath. Envy is an embarrassing emotion for me. I judge myself harshly for begrudging someone else their talents, successes or good fortune. It feels so unevolved to secretly hope another will fail. Sally Klempton suggests that underneath envy is our own disowned self. When we feel envy it is often with a peer. The envy is about some quality we are jealous of in another that we don't own in ourselves. She advises getting underneath the story of the envy to the feelings underneath and being willing to be with them.
One of my yoga students lent me a DVD by Angela Farmer called Inner Body Yoga. It is a wonderful yoga class taught by this beautiful woman who appears to be in her sixties. She is incredibly flexible, fit and sensual. She seems so comfortable in her body. She has long luxuriously curly silver hair and wears no makeup. Her husband Victor who is a yoga teacher and an artist, painted these gorgeous pictures of women in yoga poses that illustrate the DVD.
Angela has created her own form of yoga and teaches internationally. As I moved through the class I was very aware of the limitations of my own body and a familiar feeling of tightness in my heart. The green monster was rearing its head within me. I wanted Angela Farmer's body. I wanted Angela Farmer's husband. I wanted Angels Farmer's comfort and ease with her sexuality. I was making up a story about how she does it right and I, by contrast, do it wrong. In my story of being one-down, she is beautiful, talented and lithe and I am dumpy, inflexible and aging rapidly by the minute. Feeling these feelings I am awestruck by the creativity in my story. I could see I was using Angela Farmer and the story I made up about her to feel crappy about myself. Sally Klempton suggests looking at what you want for yourself and sending these qualities to the person you envy. So I want to age gracefully and be grateful for my body and accepting of what it can and can't do, I want to be more and more comfortable with my body and my sexuality and I want to be a creative and inspiring yoga teacher. On top of all of that, I want to have fun. I imagine sending all of that to Angela Farmer and her receiving it smiling and bowing. Sending it to her I am more aware of my own generosity of spirit. I feel lighter and more spacious. It feels true to me that we are all one and that sending these things I want to Angela Farmer I also allow the space to see them in myself. This is fun. Envy doesn't have to be kept in the closet. The shadow is the part of me that I find unacceptable and keep hidden. I shine the light of day on my envy and invite her in for tea. She sits down and faces me and I let myself open to her and accept her as she is. She is a vehicle for me to empower myself. I ask her if she'd like some lemon and a few carrot sticks and allow her into my heart. When I can notice what I find unacceptable in myself without judgement, the charge of shutting down my own heart to myself releases a bit. Angela Farmer and I are sure a pair of passionate, creative sixty year old yoga teachers. I open to allowing myself to be inspired by her body and her talent as a teacher.What do you find unacceptable in yourself? Is there something you envy in others that you aren't owning in yourself?

Circle of protection

An update on my brother. He is in a shelter with many helpful services where he can stay for ninety days. He is commited to making a new life for himself. I am so glad. Thanks for listening.
Today I have been thinking about Peace is in my Heart. When I protect myself within a circle of white light it allows me to open my heart. That circle is a boundary that helps me to stay open-hearted to myself and chose what I take in and what I don't. In the past I have shut my heart down to protect myself from the unwanted energy of others. Abandoning myself leaves me drained. When I am in my circle I can be around other people and chose what to take in. Then I my heart can be open and I don't have to feel drained and overwhelmed. When my heart is shut down I am also much more vulnerable to the criticism of my own ego.
Draw a circle around yourself and see it extending above your heart and below your feet. Imagine it infused with white light which comes from the universe through the top of your head. Breathe into your heart and feel the protection for your heart which this circle gives you. Spend a minute breathing into your heart and when thoughts come up bring yourself back to your circle. You can place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly. Breathe so that both your hands move. Breathing into your heart connects you to the source of all there is and breathing into your belly connects you with the earth. Within your circle you are connected to the universe and the earth at the same time. After breathing and feeling connected and grounded in your circle feel the sense of peace that protection brings. Peace is available to us because it is the source of all there is. When I am protected and openhearted I can interrupt the warnings of my ego. For instance, right now my ego is telling me I am not making any sense. It also says that noone is reading this anyway so why even bother to write? In my circle I can protect myself from my own ego too. It is easier to reply to my ego
and calmly say, "That's a thought" when surrounded by white healing light. It is easier to be the witness to my ego's attempts to convince me of its fear stories. It isn't necessary to defend myself or to treat the ego angrily. When I can witness it as energy I don't want to take in, acknowledge it and move away I move toward peace. So now I am picking my nails. I have learned that means I am anxious. If I allow myself to feel the energy of the desire to pick my nails and be with the anxiety it begins to lift. It doesn't go away. What I notice is that there is more spaciousness created in my heart when I am willing to be with what is. The story my ego is telling me is that I don't know what I am talking about. I can acknowledge that as a story and say, Thank you for sharing. When I move to be present with the anxiety under the story I can feel the pull to pick my nails instead of feeling the anxiety. I have been picking my nails since I was a small girl. As I feel the desire and be with the anxiety I am protecting the little girl inside me from my negative core belief that there is something wrong with me. My little girl is safe inside my circle protected from the negative core belief. I see her inside the circle and imagine the belief outside the circle. I feel more peace and more space in my heart to allow the peace that lives in my heart to be there.
Experiment with your circle and see what you would like to be protecting yourself from right now.