Opportunity

I'm not sure what to write about. Sometimes when I am in this place and I have time to write something ends up flowing out of me. It's almost as if it writes itself. Tonight I am aware of how much I have been running from being quiet. I am eating past the point of being full and picking my nails more. When it is cold out I feel more anxious. I have this disconnect in my brain that says when I am cold eat. It feels good to write about this and sit with the feeling of wanting to eat and not rush to the refridgerator to allay my anxiety. What is going on with me? What is behind my desire to eat anything that isn't nailed down. I notice a vague sense of unease. My breathing is shallow and I'm experiencing a sense of urgency.What am I running from by distracting myself with thoughts of what I will do next?
As I sit here breathing I notice tension in my chest as if I am afraid to breathe fully. It's almost as if some scary character from my past, like a big scary gunslinging cowboy I wouldn't want to encounter, is waiting for me under my breath so I keep it shallow to avoid meeting up with him. Sometimes I feel this anxious feeling that has no name and no story. My fear of the feeling is much worse than the feeling itself. As I breathe more deeply into my chest I notice a catch in my breath. There's the place I don't want to go.
Well, I guess I did want to go there because right after I wrote that last line the power went out in my house momentarily.My computer needed to restart and i couldn't get to my e-mail. I took it as an opportunity to be with myself and breath until I was able to write about it again. Under the tension is my critical ego voice telling me I am doing it wrong." I am wasting my life, nothing brings me joy anymore. I am going to be sixty and I will never be satisfied. I make choices that don't support my full aliveness. I settle. I sell out. I want too much. My expectations are unreasonable. Life will never live up to what I want. Why can't I be satisfied with what I have? " The basic message is " I am doing it wrong". I feel the gripping tension in my chest and the desire to spin a story about my relationship that proves that I am doing it wrong. That is door A. The habitual place I go to to run from the present moment.That's the canon fodder that feeds the fire of doing it wrong. Door B is to breathe and do something different. Just noticing Door A and its familiar appeal is the ticket to Door B. Awareness with compassion moves me toward the present moment where my egoic voice of "I am doing it wrong." can't meet me. It has on a hat and hats aren't allowed here. It has to leave and find something else to do. I get it that spinning a story that proves to me that I am doing it wrong keeps me in door A and keeps my critical ego in charge. What if doing it wrong is a myth I tell myself that perpetuates avoiding present moment awareness? What if doing it wrong doesn't really exist? What if doing it wrong is a deep fear I walk around with that is actually what keeps me from being with myself enough to know what really feels good to me?
What if with my breath into this moment I can move beyond doing it wrong and doing it right to what resonates with who I am in this moment? In this moment writing about this process is juicy for me. The tension in my chest and the urgency and anxiety and the overeating and the nail picking are all messengers that the present moment is calling to me and my vehicle of transportation is my breath. What if doing it wrong is really believing that I am doing it wrong and acting as if that were something I needed to defend myself against?
If you look at your own inner voices or critical ego what is the bottom line negative belief you are telling yourself? If you don't know, see what happens when you ask the part of you that knows. What if thinking you don't know is a roadblock to the knowing, like a flagman that says you can't go here?
The tension has been replaced by excitement about this process unfolding. In the presence process this week my present activating statement is, " I consciously respond to all my experiences. "I am starting to see the path of presence as a journey toward all of who I am that is actually underway. That is exciting. I can use whatever I am experiencing to bring me to this moment even if I am already actively engaged in automatic pilot door A. Door B or conscious awareness of this moment is just a breath away. What is your whoosh? The knee-jerk that draws you into doorA in such a familiar way it almost feels like an old friend? What is your canon fodder? What is the story you spin that proves to you that Door A is all there is? What about a breath into the awareness that automatic pilot is only one option and that conscious breathing will bring us to Door B, the possibility of other options.We don't even have to know what they are. only that other options exist. That is alot.
May 2010 be filled with whatever it is filled with and may you use it to bring yourself back to your own center, the indwelling place of right here and right now. Thanks for being an important part of my process. I hope I have contributed to yours.Warm blessings, Andrea