loving yourself back home

I have been under a major ego attack this weekend where I was doubting myself obsessively. It started when I bought my car on Thursday and convinced myself I had done it wrong. I should've bought a hybrid and I didn't. I judged myself that if I was really dedicated to my principles I would've bought a different car. I compared myself to the other people I know who have hybrids and came up short. It didn't matter that I love the car I bought and carefully picked it. I have done so much work on myself and often I can catch these attacks and interrrupt them pretty quickly. I have an extensive tool box full of great tools that help to reduce anxiety and create a more centered sense of peace. Sometimes I forget all of that and believe my inner critic telling me I am doing it wrong. It is very humbling to know that sometimes I totally forget to practice what I teach. When I get really escalated I mistrust in my choices and spin stories about how I am messing up. If I don't interrupt the cyclying downward at that point realizing I am flaggelating myself and soothing myself with whole brain posture or a dose of reality then I project second-guessing myself onto my relationship with Gary. He looks like the bad guy. If only I could get out of the relationship everything would be fine. My heart is so shut down that I'm not in touch with my deep love for him. It is easy for me to project my feelings of self-doubt onto judging him and get very critical. It isn't pleasant for either one of us at that point. Gary can usually stay pretty non-reactive in the face of my doubts. He can hold the space of love and trust that we will work things out when I have lost it. He has learned not to take it personally. This morning he ran out of steam and got hopeless about our relationship. I appreciated his being honest and sharing it with me and it really woke me up to what I was doing. I realized I could actually push him away and what a loss that would be for me. He brings me wisdom and sweetness and helps me to navigate the material plane. I am very grateful for his presence in my life. I learn so much from him about working through my fears of intimacy. My ego hates him and feels very threatened by our intimacy. Gary's love threatens my negative belief that there is something wrong with me. It takes a great deal of resistance for me to push away Gary's love. When I am in that threatened fearful place I am numb to the experience of my love for him. What I wish for is to be able to recognize sooner and sooner that blaming him for my life not working is a signal that something is going on with me. I am off-center and I need to do whatever it takes to center myself again. From that centered place I know there is nothing wrong with me and I can reclaim my own heart, opening it up to my own love for myself. I can bring myself home to the place where I know I am love and I am loved. Then my love for Gary comes rushing back in tired of being kept out in the cold waiting. As we always have, we worked our way back from the fear to the love today. Tools that work for us are sharing our truths and deeply listening to each other,meditating, eyegazing and being close physically. What I wish for is to spend more time enjoying each other. I want to be able to relax and have fun more easily. I do acknowledge myself for returning again to the place of deep joy inside of me where I know everything will be OK. When I fully embrace that place I know everything is OK and that I am safe and held in love.
Can you relate to this? What tools have you found that help you to remember who you really are? Can you recognize an ego attack and love yourself back home? Acknowledge yourself for being able to do that.

Letting go

This insight came to me the other day and I want to share it with you. I am wondering if I can articulate it well enough. Here goes. I was walking in Cheesman Park with my friend Smokey on Wednesday. She lived in Denver very near the park for thirty years. She walked in the park often and felt very familiar with all of the surroundings. She felt a strong connection to the park and to Denver. Twelve years ago she moved to Chama, New Mexico where she and her husband Graham built an earthship home made of tires. Her children and grandchildren all live in Denver. Since moving they have come to Denver for about one week a month so Smokey can work with clients and they can see their family. Luckily I get to walk with her and hang out whenever they are here. Lately they have been traveling and hadn't been to Denver for two months. As we walked in the park she was observing that she felt very detached from the park. She said it could be any park and any place and there was no subjective attachment for her anymore. Her experience was as an objective observer who had moved on. This objectivity had developed over time and it seemed magnified on this trip.
I thought about my last three experiences with my dear old car. At first I felt so attached it hurt my stomach to think of never seeing it again. Then I saw it more as a car that I really enjoyed driving and appreciated owning for so many years. The last time I saw it I said goodbye. It was already sold. I felt sad and I I was ready to let it go. I was aware that the era of my life the car represented was still important and I was moving on. The car looked like a car to me. Although it was still familiar, I could recognize it as being any car. My attention had shifted just as Smokey's had shifted away from Denver.
So what I realized is that maybe death is like that. Maybe after we leave our bodies we look back on this lifetime with a different perspective. Maybe it starts with aching attachment and grows into moving on to whatever is next. I have always thought about the idea of missing something as being a difficult part of death. Maybe we are missing things and we know it and our egoes will have loosened their grips enough to appreciate what is happening here and know we have moved on. Emmanuel, a channeled entity, says, "Death is like taking off a tight shoe. " That has always made me smile. I can imagine it being true.
Is there something in your life you are aware of being less attached to. What has that been like for you? Can you imagine that death might be like that? Think about it and if you want to let me know what you think.

Change

Tama Kieves writes a monthy newsletter that is very helpful and fun to read. She is the author of the book This Time I Dance, a very readable and inspiring book about finding work you truely love. www.awakeningartistry.com In this month's musings she talks about opening to the unknown. The line I liked the best is, " It is change that has your back." That line really sank into my body. In this time of uncertainty it is easy to sink into fear about everything as we know it changing. We can think of change as an opportunity to shift our base our security from outside of ourselves to inside of ourselves. My spiritual core is the part of me that loves me no matter what. It is that still small voice that lets me know that everything is OK in the midst of whatever. If I take the time to be quiet, focus on my breath and pay attention I know that I am held in love. In the midst of the unknown there is a known. My spiritual core doesn't guaranty that what will happen will fit my pictures of what my preferences might be. It only lets me know that I will be OK. It offers me the chance to broaden my definition of what OK is beyond my limited ideas. As long as my definition of OK is very broad, everything is OK. When OK also includes my fear that everything is not OK and never will be, I can use my fear to support knowing that everything is OK. Right now I have no car. I am borrowing my brother's car and it has to be returned tomorrow. I know I won't be driving my old car. I don't know what will happen next. I know I need a car to drive. I can spin a story out of control that would have me believe I will be without a car forever . I can move away from the still small voice and create enormous tention in my body. I know I have the money to find a car and buy it.
I know there is a way to find something to drive in the meantime. My fear and sense of urgency tells me I must take whatever I can get and do it soon. The still small voice of my spiritual core tells me to take my time and find a car that really works for me. There is no hurry. I only need to find transportation in the meantime. That doesn't mean to procrastinate and do nothing. It means to do what needs to be done and trust that everything will be OK. Change is at my back. It supports me in trusting my still small voice. Change holds me to my agreement to use everything that comes up as an opportunity to get closer to my spiritual core. That is true support. I am grateful to change for having my back even as I am kicking and screaming in fear. The time is now to get that fear is the vehicle we are being given to use to return to ourselves. It is time to go inside be still and listen. What is changing for you right now? How could it help you to either create or renew your committment to practicing going within to the silence?

Tourquoise

I was driving up a steep dirt road on Saturday night on the way to a Starhouse kirtan in the mountains. A kirtan is a chanting ritual, usually in call and response. This one had live music and lots of peolple dancing, as well as chanting. As I climbed up the road, with a car right behind me, my car began to decelerate rapidly and foul smelling smoke poured out of the hood. I was really scared because I had no idea what was happening. I downshifted to first and resumed climbing. Luckily my car didn't catch on fire and I made it up to the parking lot screaming and crying in my car. It helped to vent all of my fear and calmed me down a bit. Gary was there and was very helpful. That calmed me down more. I drove it around a little bit and the clutch seemed to be engaging. My fear was that I had blown out the clutch. This clutch was a miracle clutch. It may have been the original clutch and my trusty car has over 150,000 miles on it. Periodically during the kirtan, my stories about my car's imminent demise took over my mind. I brought myself back to the compelling music and healing rhythmic chants. I love to sing and dance and it was such a good opportunity to immerse myself in the energy. I kept reminding myself that my car would get handled and that Gary would help me. We left early because I couldn't wait any longer to see how my car was doing. Gary drove it around and it was no longer smoking however everything in it including me smelled like burning garbage. We decided to leave it there and call my brother who is an expert on Subarus, in the morning. Luckily we had driven up in two cars.
When we called my brother he confirmed it was the clutch going through it's close to final hurrah. I have been holding on to my car because it is a great car and I am very attached to it. When I was 41 I bought myself a new car for my birthday. Monnya was 6. My plan was to keep that car for ten years and then give it to Monnya for her sixteenth birthday, which I did. It felt great to tie it up in a big red ribbon and give it to her. This car I have now, whose name is Tourquoise, I bought to replace the car I gave Monnya. I found it in the paper and did the whole transaction myself. It was seven years old when I bought it. I have had that trustworthy car for 8 years. I knew it would be time to let go of it soon and I was holding on for as long as I could. Monnya left home to go out into the world soon after I hooked up with Tourquoise. It was the car that shared the empty nest era of my life. We had lots of great adventures. It got to the point where it could almost drive to my favorite hot springs on its own. Now it is time to let it go. It has been telling me that since I had my accident in January. Today was the court date for my ticket. That was so sad watching so many people who seemed to have so little money have to pay so much. I had this idea that if I took full responsibility for my accident and let the magistrate know noone was hurt and there was minimal damage the points would get significantly lowered. That didn't happen. The magistrate said he was glad to hear that and lowered the points by one according to the offer built in for my offense. I left feeling blessed to have the resources to easily pay for my ticket. I have really been way more focused on driving mindfully since the accident and that is a good thing. This has been an expensive lesson and I am grateful that noone was hurt. Gary and I drove down to my brother's in Boulder and he lent me his car to drive for a few days. He will sell my car and help me to find my next car. I really appreciate his expertise. Gary has really been there for me around all of this. It is somehow fitting that tourquoise was with me until I was ready to be in a committed relationship. I so appreciate the support of a good reliable mechanical friend. I will miss her. Do you have a car that has meant or means a lot to you? What is your history with the car? By the way, if you are a new reader, I write this blog on Monday Wednesday and Friday. I look forward to connecting with you on Wednesday.

Acceptance

Yesterday I received a coaching session from Allison Taylor,who is the facilitator of my PSYCH-K support group and a PSYCH-K instructor. She is a master at helping people move through what's in the way of being congruent with their goals. We started out focusing on my book and what's in the way of my seeing myself as a published author. That led to balances about accepting my hearing as it is. For years I have resisted accepting my hearing as it is, because I thought that meant being resigned to it never changing. Now I can see that accepting my hearing as it is is a great relief because it means opening up to what is. Being present with what is about my hearing helps me to let go of the scary story I tell myself about the future. Before when someone joked with me about my hearing I have reacted with anything from stoic silence to hurt to irate anger. Accepting my hearing as it is allowed me to lighten up about it. Today someone joked and I laughed. Lightening up about my hearing and moving my focus off of worrying about it allows me to relax and when I relax I actually hear better. What Carl Rogers said is true," Accept yourself as you are. Then you can change."
Yesterday I read this quote by Cheri Huber, "The first step we can take toward living in acceptance instead of resistance is to accept that we resist" That was true about my accepting my hearing as it is. Is there something in your life that you'd like to accept yet are resisting? Would you be willing to take the first step and accept the resistance?
After balancing other issues we ended with "I easily give and receive boundless love. " Today I experienced waves of love moving between me and other people. I am grateful to Allison for her skill in supporting me in clearing the space for my boundless love.
If you have an interest in learning more about PSYCH-K, Allison is offering a PSYCH-K Basic Workshop Saturday March 21st and Sunday March 22nd from 9:30 to 5:30. PSYCH-K has helped me to move through many obstacles to a deeper richer experience of my life. Most of the people who I have practiced PSYCH-K with have found it to be extremely useful in creating more satisfying lives. I highly recommend this workshop and Allison as an instructor. After this basic workshop you can practice PSYCH-K with yourself and with others. Allison can be reached at 303-956-2280 or Allison@paravox.com.

The Power of Compassion

As I was wondering what to write about this morning, an article called The Power of Compassion was forwarded to me. The article was compelling so I thought I'd share it with you.
There was a study done at Emory University in Georgia with healthy college students. One group learned and practiced a meditation technique called lojong or compassion meditation, the other had discussions about physical and mental health issues relevant to college students. The meditation group had the homework of daily meditation practice and recording the duration and frequency of their practices. The discussion group's homework was to write short opinion papers on the discussion topics. They began and ended the study with tests to measure the levels of stress by measuring levels of inflammation in the body. The researchers expected to find a difference between the two groups. There was no significant difference.
What was significant was the correlation between the frequency and duration of meditation and the body's level of inflammation measured by the stress test. Compassion not only makes us kinder, it makes us healthier.
I suggest you experiment with this practice. I did and I experienced being more peaceful and openhearted. It helped that I also knew it was helpful to my body.
Lojong or compassion meditation begins with focusing mindfully on the breath and body sensations.
Breathe deeply for a few breaths focusing on the movement of your breath in and out of your body. Then move your focus to the sensations in your body and be present with what you notice for several breaths.
Then move the focus to your own desire for happiness, breathing into your heart and being present with that experience. Next begin to shift your focus in an ever-widening circle to your desire for the happiness of your loved ones, to the desire for the happiness of other people you know, to the desire for happiness for people you have difficulty with and then to the desire for the happiness of all people everywhere. Spend a few moments breathing deeply into your desire for all beings to experience happiness.
Let yourself feel the expansion of your heart and the healing energy it brings to your body. I want to experience this practice regularly. See if you'd like to practice it again.

In memorial

To continue from the last blog, FEAR stands for false evidence appearing real. Thanks to one of you, dear readers, for providing the information. He also suggested: Frantic effort to avoid reality.
With mindfulness we can attend to ourselves in our fear. We can pay attention to the sensations in our bodies that make up the fear and breathe into that. We can interrupt the story the ego tells us about the fear. That story is the false evidence appearing real. We can move back to our direct experience in our bodies in the present moment.
This can be a fearful time. How can we recognize what we may have lost and still find the energy to be grateful for what we have? For me, it is recognizing when I am afraid and comforting myself. I imagine holding myself or the little girl inside of me and saying, " I am here for you in your fear." Embracing ourselves in our fear allows us to soften. When I can soothe myself by telling myself,"It is OK to be afraid" it calms the amigdula of the brain, the fight or flight mechanism.
Whole brain posture is a great way to self-soothe. Cross your legs at the ankles. Bring your arms out in front of you and and cross your hands one over the other. Interlace your fingers with the palms touching each other and bring your hands up into your heart or down into your lap. Feel your fear and breathe. When I allow myself to be with my fear I can release the frozen part of me and remember that everything is OK as long as I have a very broad definition of what OK is. Being with fear has an internal piece and an external piece. Once you've soothed yourself and the fear has released some, it is possible to begin to address the next step needed in the outside world. It may be a doing step or a being step. It may involve action or being patient.
I just returned from the burial ritual of someone I had worked with for a long time. It is shocking to be so close to a person and then have them be gone. It is scary to imagine this woman vitally going through life and then have that vitality so abruptly interrupted. She died suddenly while scuba diving. As the casket was lowered into the ground I cried and thought about her smile and warmth. I was comforted by knowing she was more than her body and her spirit lives on. The grief I am feeling is because she has left the physical plane. It is important to attend to regardless I what i believe spiritually. She did such deep work on herself and brought herself to the place where she was loving and accepting of herself. Many people appreciated her positive attitude toward life. I will miss knowing she is on the planet spreading her light. I am sending love and energy to her family and friends who have suffered such a loss. I dedicated Laughter Yoga to her today. She would have liked that. The last time I heard from her after several years of not seeing her, was in a phone message after seeing me in Laughter Yoga on channel nine news. She was laughing and very supportive. That was who she was.
Death informs life. Her death will inspire me to live my life more fully and take less for granted. I am grateful for her presence in my life.
How has death informed your life?Think about the loss of someone you cared about and the effect it has had on your life. See if it useful to be with yourself and let yourself feel it.