retreat

I have just returned from my trip. I feel refreshed and renewed. I hightly recommend getting away by yourself. After 36 hours of alone time I was a new women. I camped by a stream and it didn't rain.At home it is a challenge for me to give myself time to read fiction because I get so lost in it I don't want to do anything else. Gary lent me a book of short stories that was quirky and fascinating. I so enjoyed hanging out in the tent reading my book. It felt good to not get obsessive and to read as much as I wanted to. Short stories are easier than novels because I can put them down and go do other things. I had a hike and a soak and tasty meals. The night was very cool and I used up lots of sleep lying there psyching myself up to get up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom. In the morning I slept in.I loved doing what I wanted to when I wanted to without any shoulds.I realized how much I enjoy my own company and how relaxing and peaceful it was to be in nature. With my hearing aids in I could hear so many different birds that it felt like an aviary convention had been scheduled to meet over my tent. I am grateful that these little machines bring such an auditory vibrancy to being in nature.
When Gary returned I was really ready to be with him.We saw a cat hanging out with three deer right next to the tent.They were doing a dance with each other as they scoped each other out. Watching them I had such a strong feeling of connection with those four beings.I worked hard to bring myself back to the present from my internal critical tirades with Gary. At least I rarely puke that part of my process on him. He gave me some valuable feedback about generalizing when I am giving him feedback. He asked that when I have something to clear with him that I start with an appreciation and then ask for what I want without saying always or never. If you remember, Thict Naht Hahn, the vietamese buddhist monk, calls it Flower watering. He says to appreciate the person first in a genuine and heartfelt way before bringing up a conflict. Gary calls it sharing something with him in a way that he can actually hear it without feeling hammered.The skillful way would be," I appreciate how much you are working on hearing my feelings and when I said I felt scared to camp by myself what I wanted was to be heard and not given solutions." The unskillful way would be more like what I did. "Whenever I share my feelings with you and make myself emotionally vulerable, you always try to fix me and don't hear what I am saying. From now on I'm not going to share my feelings with you." Flower watering does wonders in allowing the other person to feel held in love in the midst of a conflict. Forgiveness is in order because sometimes both people are triggered at the same time and neither is speaking mindfully. Then it is important to do some repair work and cop to the unskillful words and move back to the intention of using all that transpires to get closer together. Gary and I work well together and we are both getting more willing to own our defensiveness sooner and sooner. I appreciate that he stands up to me about my stuff and that he is almost always so clear that we are meant to be together even when I am wavering. On our first date we shared our committment to using a relationship to grow spiritually.
Saturday was our third anniversary of meeting. Although extremely challenging, I have grown so much in the last three years in terms of being able to be myself in a relationship. I have much to learn and I think I have picked a good person to learn with. I am going to say goodnight now. I can tell by how many typos I'm correcting that it is time to go to sleep. Could there be a personal retreat in your near future?

trip

This day started off in a way that really sucked. I was making veggie juice and I couldn't find the carrots I knew I had bought yesterday. After scrounging through the entire refridgerator several times it dawned on me that I might have left a grocery sack in the back of my car.Sure enough there it was- filled with salmon, humus and the carrots. Most of my protein for my upcoming camping trip had been stewing in the back of my car for 24 hours. I was surprised that even though I was irritated with myself for spacing out the sack, I wasn't mean. A year ago I would have carried that salmon on my back until it was quite smelly. I soon realized that because the salmon had been frozen it had probably kept the other stuff O.K. I cooked the thawed salmon and preceeded to get ready for my trip.By letting go and forgiving myself for my mistake the day got better from there. Sometimes it really is possible to let go of blaming ourselves and to preceed with what needs to be done. It let me know that things work out, although rarely ever as I plan.
I get to go to my favorite hot springs for four days.Monnya and I spent many a happy weekend there when she was growing up and I am safe and comfortable there. I am lucky to be able to take this trip.
It is an opportunity to commune with nature and to relax. Gary came up with the plan to combine his business with our trip and to give me a day to myself in my most sacred place.I appreciate his thoughtfulness. When I am in dire need of alone time it often isn't pretty. I can be irritable and critical. He will have a much improved vacation after I have time alone. He is a smart man.
I haven't been camping for a while and I am excited and a little apprehensive. The last two days at the hotsprings we are staying in a cabin. That is more of what I have been used to in the past ten years.Imagine me sleeping in a dry tent comfortably and peacefully lulled to sleep by a babbling brook. I am looking forward to hiking soaking eating meditating and doing yoga. I have been cooking lots of stuff so I won't have to prepare much when I get there. I can just chow down.I am always a little nervous when I am far away from a grocery store so I bring enough food for a small army.
Let's hope there is room in the car.I want to enjoy myself and to be accepting of myself and of Gary. I want to be able to roll with what happens and forgive myself for the way the trip doesn't fit my pictures. I would rather let go of my pictures and embrace my life as it is.
What is something you could let go of and forgive yourself for? Do you have any thawed out salmon you are still holding on to?
I will write when I return on Monday night. I will miss connecting with you. I am sending love and light to you through cyberspace. Andrea

Update

Here's an update on the progress of my mindfulness project with cuticle picking.I feel good about the process of noticing when I want to pick my fingers and being compassionate with myself about it. I have even begun to kiss my own hand to celebrate being mindful and add to my compassion.The desire to pick comes up dozens of times a day.Sometimes I notice it when I have begun to rub my fingers together.Usually when I notice and be kind to myself about it, I don't need to pick. Sometimes I go underneath the desire to the anxious feelings beneath. I am learning to soothe myself about my fear which is often about being afraid of doing whatever I am doing wrong. Breathing into that fear often allows it to release and to be replaced by a sense of confidence.Just now I was afraid that what I was writing wasn't clear and I began to touch my fingers. I noticed that and talked to myself about my fear. I was able to detour mid-pick. That deserves a kiss.
Yesterday was a day filled with too many people and not enough alone time. I was in a social situation with people chatting. I had to strain to hear them and when I did what they were saying was mostly not interesting to me. I felt drained and anxious and unsuccessfully tried to signal to Gary in the midst of the conversation that I wanted to leave. There is that trying thing again. Gary and I need a prearranged signal that either one of us can use that says," I want to leave as soon as possible." Then I don't have to try and signal him I can signal him.
I felt frustrated and I bypassed my mindfulness of wanting to pick and picked my fingers. I was surprised and then chose to pick for a while. I gave myself permission to alleviate some tension in that way. However today I noticed the behavior had returned. I decided to be compassionate with myself and to recommit to noticing when I wanted to pick rather than continuing to knee- jerk to picking.It seems human to return to a habitual behavior in a time of stress. It felt good to be accepting rather than castigating about that. Rechoosing my intention made me feel stronger. I didn't like picking my fingers as much as I did before. I discovered that not picking my fingers really alleviates stress more and picking builds more anxiety. Mindfulness allows me to be kind to myself and experience the source of the anxiety so it can release. Picking my fingers takes me one step further from the anxiety and feeds the pain body.(The pain body is what Eckhart Tolle calls the accumulation of suppressed pain that each person holds inside of them)It reinforces that my feelings are scary and that it isn't safe to feel them.Letting go of picking my fingers lets me know that I have the power to be loving and show up for myself even when I am anxious.It gives me the opportunity to be more fully present with whatever is happening.That gives me confidence and feels good. I learned this by letting myself pick my fingers.This isn't a deprivation diet it is an awareness practice.It seems to me that kindness can really heal. Did you decide it would be useful to you to chose a habitual behavior that you would be willing to be mindful about? If so what did you chose and how is it going?

What is reasonable?

What is reasonable to want in a relationship? I just finished reading a really thought provoking article by Tara Brach called, "A More Perfect Union". She suggests bringing what she calls, Radical Acceptance, ( she wrote a book called Radical Acceptance which I highly recommend) to ourselves and our partners. Radical acceptance has two wings, mindfulness and acceptance. When we are upset with our partners ask within, "What is it in me that needs attention?" Find the sensation under the story of blame or defensiveness and experience that sensation with an open heart. Then ask, "Can I accept what is in my experience now?" I am feeling frustrated because it is so hard for Gary to talk about his feelings. I feel lonely when I know there is something going on with him emotionally and he isn't sharing it with me. I feel tired and drained because I believe I have to drag it out of him to get him to talk about it. Lots of times I withdraw instead. If I go inside with my lonliness I feel a tightness in my chest. That tightness is wrapped in sadness. There is a feeling that I won't ever get what I want that has been with me since I was a little girl trying to connect with my father. I took it personally that my father wasn't available emotionally and wouldn't connect with me. I thought there was something wrong with me and that if I just tried harder to be good I would get what I wanted. I want to reassure the little girl inside me that there was nothing wrong with her. Her Dad wasn't willing to show up in the way she wanted him to. It's O.K. that she wanted that from him, and she will never get it. I can feel the sadness welling up. I can notice it and accept it and experience it. That feels freeing. I feel a sense of release and peace. I can show up for the little girl inside me and honor her feelings and her desire for real closeness with other human beings who are vulnerable with their feelings. That seems like a reasonable thing to want.
I can be with myself when I feel lonely. Maybe I am lonely for my own attention and trying to get Gary to be a certain way to avoid my own lonliness. By showing up for myself with mindfulness and compassion I can get more clarity about what is reasonable to want from a relationship. Would you be willing to practice this process of bringing awareness and loving attention to yourself with something you are upset with your partner about? See what you notice.

Barack

What a lovely rainy day. There's something peaceful about an all day rain. Tonight when I was done working and it had cleared I went for a walk and everything was so green. My flowers are humming. They look satisfied. I am quite tired tonight. It feels hard to write. It actually works much better to write during the day when I'm not tired. I know I will feel better after I write. I always do. It is very energizing to write this blog. It is theraputic to share things here both for me and because I imagine what I am writing may be benefitting you. I wonder who is reading this? Feel free to write to me at lightalive@msn.com to share feedback with me about this blog. Is there anything you'd like to hear more about or less about? What has been useful to you? What has impacted your life?
Wednesday I taught my yoga class at noon at Whole Yoga(http://www.wholeyoga.com/) It was the best yoga class I have ever taught. I am teaching in a circle now and not mirroring. I am no longer saying"raise your right leg" while raising my left. It is an enormous relief to be letting go of that. Trying to mirror was very trying. Letting go of trying to mirror acknowledged that the trying was draining. Giving myself permission to do what I can do, I felt more relaxed and had more space for creative energy to flow through me. Let's hear it for honoring limitations. My critical voice was mostly quiet and I got to enjoy teaching and my students. Being present teaching yoga is quite blissful.
I listened to Barack Obama give his talk after getting enough delegates to be the democratic candidate for president. I was moved to tears by his passion and clarity and presence. He seems like a very humble, smart, spiritually developed person. A friend has a cousin who is a makeup artist who did Barack's makeup when he spoke in Denver. She said that most celebraty types whose make up she does treat her like she is part of the wall paper. When Obama was done giving the interview he gave as she was applying his makeup, he took time to speak to her as a person. She said he was very present and focused and genuinely seemed to care about her and to be interested in her as a fellow human being. I am excited about him running for president. I want to do something to help. I'm not sure what yet. I figure if I really want him to be our next president it's important to do my part to make that happen. It's very heartwarming to see how many young people support him. It's as if they have found a place in our political process that didn't exist before now. I remember the young leaders of my precinct caucus and how inspired I was after that meeting.That was when I decided to support Barack Obama. It gave me hope for the future to see these young passionate commited people who were willing to focus and do the work that needed to be done. Barack Obama just kept showing up even though in the beginning the odds were so against him. I respect that. His energy seems to be fully behind his intention. Barack Obama isn't trying to run for president, he is running for president. May the force be with him.

Trying

I am trying to write a blog about trying. That is very trying. Notice an object next to your computer and try to pick it up. You either pick it up or you don't pick it up.You can't try to pick it up. What does trying to do something mean? It means that I don't believe I can do it. The energy of, I am trying to write a blog about trying and I am writing a blog about trying are different. I have been trying to stop picking my cuticles and trying to stop reading and eating at the same time for many years. I can tell that I am trying because I am still doing both. What shifts something from trying to doing? What happens inside me when my energy is behind my intention?What makes me ready to do something or to stop doing something? When I am trying to do something it is an acknowledgement that my energy isn't fully behind it. If I tell the truth, I'm not ready to stop picking my cuticles or to stop eating and reading at the same time. Even though I know that both behaviors would be healthy to stop, I'm not ready to. I can tell because I haven't. When I am ready to do something or to stop doing something I can tell because I do. It would be more accurate to say that there is a thinking stage and a doing stage. The thinking stage comes before the doing stage. Sometimes the thinking stage can last years. Some people have a shorter thinking before doing stage than others. Most people have longer or shorter thinking before doing stages depending on what they are thinking about doing. I have been picking my cuticles since I was a small child. My whole family picked their cuticles. In some family pictures we are all doing it. When I am anxious that's what I do. Right now I am pausing from writing to pick. What is it that makes us ready to change a behavior and do what it takes? It seems to me that I have to be willing to be both mindful and compassionate with myself. I have to notice when I am picking and be kind to myself about it. I have to want to stop and be ready to stop. What would it be like to feel the anxiety that comes up before I start to pick my nails and to say to myself, "I can understand that you feel that way. I care about your suffering. May you be free from suffering? Then I could breathe deeply and go down into my body and feel the sensation that goes with wanting to pick my fingers. As I do that I am aware of tightness in my chest and the words, I can't. Picking is what I do when I am afraid I can't do something or I can't do it right. It also happens when I don't know what to do with myself or I am afraid that how I am doing something is wrong. It is all about fear. I am ready to be with myself about my fear and to soothe myself. If I say to myself I am here for you with your fear, it is comforting. I am ready to pay attention to wanting to pick my nails and to be mindful and compassionate with myself. That feels different than saying I am trying to stop picking my nails. I am no longer trying to write a blog about trying. I am writing a blog about trying. Now I am done. What are you trying to do? What is more true about what you are ready for?

Excuse me

Does it make sense to write this and feel rushed or to wait until tomorrow? What does rushing do to the quality of my creativity? Is there an option to write now and not rush? Gary is here and it is so challenging for me to do anything to take care of myself. He just barged in here and without saying excuse me started talking to me about the parched condition of the flower basket he bought me for mother's day. I am in my flow writing, girl interrupted,and got really defensive assuming that he thought I was killing the flowers with neglect. How can I do what I need to do and be in a relationship? He said he was really hungry and wanted to eat and would eat alone if I wanted to finish. I stopped writing to eat with him. Now I have eaten dinner and Gary is doing the dishes so I can finish writing.
The answer to how I can be in a relationship and do what I need to do is to communicate what I want and need. When I clearly and directly ask for what I want Gary is good at hearing me and responding with his truth. I can't expect him to read my mind and magically respond to what I want if he doesn't know what it is. Being defensive and unkind creates walls- setting boundaries allows me to keep my heart open. I let Gary know that I'd like him to say excuse me when he comes into where I am writing if he wants my attention. He is willing to do that. Now he came in here and stood behind my chair and made a monster pose over me not saying anything.He said he was just being playful when I reminded him that he agreed to say excuse me. I guess this is going to take some work. I am so used to being alone and having only myself to consider. I admire couples who have been together for twenty years and have in their own way worked all of this out. Maybe it isn't always by communicating clearly and directly what they each want. If I am aware of drawing my circle around me and setting boundaries there is much more chance that I will take care of myself and take Gary into consideration. When there is unbalance either because I am losing track of honoring myself or because I am losing track of honoring Gary
it seems important to forgive myself or ask him for forgiveness and return to my circle. This is a learning experience and the benefits are healing the pattern of taking care of myself when I am alone and abandoning myself when I am in a relationship. This is a challenge. I will think more about this and write more later. How do you take care of yourself when you are with other people?