Losing Barbara

 My cousin Barbara has been in my life since I was born 76 years ago.  She is two years older than me. Our mothers were both only children and were like sisters to each other. We grew up in the same town and our families  shared holidays together. 

Barbara and I were at the same overnight summer camp when I, at age 10 thought, mistakenly, that my period was starting. That was the first time I remember Barbara comforting me. Even though she barely knew more than me about what was happening, she helped me to deal with an unknown and scary experience. 

Barbara gave me my first spiritual book at age 11. That started my life long spiritual learning journey. That journey is something we shared for many years, what we read, who we heard speak, what we were noticing in ourselves. 

Barbara met her lifelong partner when she was 15 and he was 16. They have shared a rich and deep relationship spanning almost 60 years. 

Barbara was a college professor and trained hundreds of special education teachers. Her specialty was dyslexia. When my grandson was diagnosed with dyslexia  Barbara was so helpful to my daughter in navigating finding the best educational care for him.

Barbara is the kind of person who always thought of others and was always willing to help where she was needed. People from all walks of her life loved her and looked to her for support and wisdom.

Barbara and I have talked once a month on FaceTime for many years because we lived in opposite parts of the country. In those conversations we listened to each other, gave each other suggestions, some asked for and some not, offered each other a motivational nudge and a supportive cheerleader and worked through our conflicts with other people and sometimes with each other. We both felt a deep sense of safety with each other.  Our shared lifelong history and current level of authenticity were two precious qualities that fueled our gratefulness for each other.

About four years ago Barbara was diagnosed with cancer and had her cancerous gall bladder removed. What followed were several rounds of chemotherapy and radiation. Barbara loved her doctor and the people who gave her care during the beginning and middle of her cancer journey. She was hopeful and positive and stayed active. She was still working teaching, writing and doing research during this period of over three years. She asked me to visit while she was still active and we spent my visit walking in the woods near their house, eating healthy food and going to her art class together. She had recently taken up watercolor painting and was really enjoying her growing confidence in her own creativity.

Then a new tumor developed and surgery couldn’t happen because it was too close to her internal organs. Chemo and radiation and immunology weren’t stopping the growth of either of her two tumors and her doctor said there was nothing more he could do. She retired from her teaching job and began a slow decline. Her husband, Jeff, was her devoted caretaker and began to take on more and more of the household tasks as her condition worsened. 

After a really difficult day, their son, daughter in law and six year old grandson were summoned from the northwest. I had a visit planned for the end of the month and Jeff called me and said to come sooner. I wasn’t sure she would want me there with her whole family and when I asked she said come in a few days.

So, I came. I am so grateful that Jeff told me not to wait. I had three days with my dear cousin. We talked and ate and went through some of her stuff with the idea of toss it, or give it away. It was such a wonderful  visit to continue and complete our lifelong love. We talked a lot about death and dying.  We created a signal so she could reach me after she was dead because that was in line with my belief system. Barbara went along of with the idea. She said she wasn’t scared of dying only very sad to be leaving the people she loved. There were so many people she loved who loved her. We are still loving her as she is now in home hospice and becoming less and less responsive. 

My son in law, Aaron Crippen, wrote a memoir called Love at First Fall about his life as a stuntman. As Barbara declined, Jeff read the book to Barbara outloud one chapter a night. They had many good talks about his book. It was such a sweet ritual that they shared while she was still able to have a conversation. 

Before I left we all got to appreciate Barbara and all cry together. I am so grateful to be part of that ritual. When we finished Barbara was very tired and we got to say goodbye and tell each other we loved each other before she laid down to take a nap.

Barbara, I so treasure our time together and the experience of unconditional love we shared with each other our whole lives. I will miss you so very much. I hardly know how much yet. It is hard for me to believe I will never talk to you again. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, compassion and sense of humor with me. 

Barbara is the first of my generation of people I love to be dying. I am grieving the loss of her and beginning the experience of deep grief. I am attempting to open to the gnawing pain. In the spirit of our shared commitment to lifelong learning I am willing to open to the growth and learning available from losing her. I know Barbara would do the same if I was dying first.

Goodbye dear Barbara. 

Four meditation guidelines to contemplate

 In my meditation practice I often receive guidance. If I ask for help about something specific help is there. In this particular meditation four meditation guidelines were passed on to me. I was asked to contemplate each one. They are: Everything is OK

                                                   Nothing is missing. 

                                                 I don’t know who I am. 

                                               I am a part of all there is.

Everything is OK brings me to contemplate all the things I would consider not OK and to somehow see the bigger picture where everything is OK. OK doesn’t mean comfortable or even acceptable. It encourages me to look at the mystery by which I think the universe is run in which there is a lot of information I am not privy to. OK means, what is, is. In a weird way, if I sit with this guideline long enough, it is oddly comforting. 

Nothing is missing encourages me to observe my personality tendency to notice what is missing and what needs to be changed in order for everything to be where it should be. If nothing is missing just as it is and I sit with it long enough to observe the truth of it, that is also a source of relaxation and peace.

I don’t know who I am is what I call my death practice. When I began to contemplate this truth it was extremely frightening to me. If I don’t know who I am then who am I? If I go with it, I can experience expansive energy and spaciousness beyond my separate self and beyond being in a body. When I can let go of who I I think I am and open to allowing the barriers of my separate self to melt away I feel a sense of blissful being not attached to myself as I have known myself.

I am a part of all there is, is the sense that we are all one and that I am a part of that oneness. It has transformed into Love is all there is because when I don’t have a separate self there is no more I. I do believe that everything is Love and Love is all there is. The Beatles were on to something.

When I practice these contemplations my meditation is very satisfying. I am so grateful they were shared with me and I can now share them with you.

Do something

 Michelle Obama, in her inspiring speech at the Democratic National Convention this week directed all of us watching to do something instead of only talking about electing Kamala Harris as our next President. 

Writing this blog is something I can do.

I thoroughly enjoyed watching the convention. The first night my sister was visiting and we watched together. We grew up with the value of tikkun olam or healing the world as a major value in our Jewish family. We both know how thrilled our dead mother would have been to have a female president. 

We watched the state roll call for nominating Kamala. Even though it was symbolic, the building of positive energy and pride in each state was palpable. And it was such fun! Feeling the momentum of joy build from the first night through the whole four nights was such a powerful experience in my body.

All different shades ages and walks of life were represented. And so many vibrant strong articulate women of color speaking their truth with passion.

The second night was highlighted by Michelle and Barack Obama. Michelle’s fiery speech was about the choice between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris and the very real need for action to support our democracy. Barack followed Michelle. I loved when Barack said he was the only one stupid enough to speak after Michelle Obama. 

I remembered how hopeful I felt campaigning for Barack for both his terms. What I feel now is strong hope again. My song We Are All One felt like it was coming true in the unifying energy of the convention.

The third day was highlighted by Tim Walz’s folksy realness. I felt the love his family has for him and learned that his son Gus is neurodiverse and his daughter is named hope. Tim and Gwen Walz named their daughter Hope because of the many challenges they faced with infertility and their eventual success with several rounds of in vitro fertilization. The personal glimpse into the lives of the people speaking made them feel accessible to me.

Although the warnings about Donald Trump’s goals of authoritarianism  were woven through the entire convention, they were’t delivered with a mean spirited or derisive energy. I appreciated that. The convention was about celebrating Kamala Harris and uniting our country behind shared responsibility for all of us. I was reminded of Thict Naht Nahn’s concept of interbeing, which means we are all connected. I heard very little booing. The focus was on celebrating the possibilities we can create together.

The last night of the convention was about Kamala Harris and introducing her to us. I learned that Thursday August 22 when Kamala accepted her party’s nomination for president was also her 10th wedding anniversary with Doug Enhoff. Hearing about their blended family I was moved to explore more and learned that Kamala became the courageous stepmother to two teenagers in 2014. Also I learned that the children’ s biological mother Kristen collaborates in their three prong parenting model and is an ardent supporter of Kamala and Kamala’s campaign.

I found Kamala’s speech to be touching and reassuring and motivating. She was warm and direct and clear about her values and goals. She was accessible and open. I felt like I knew who she was and liked who she was. Her speech was powerful and successful in presenting herself well to all of us watching. People were calling her a joyful warrior. It so seemed to fit her. Her toughness and tenacity were in full bloom yet her joy radiated also. 

I am so excited for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz to be running this country. I know it will take a lot of hard work on this campaign to get there.  I am visualizing Kamala Harris with her hand on the Bible being sworn in in January of 2025. I am imagining how thrilling it will feel in my body to have the first woman of color being sworn in as president of the United States of America.

Thank you for listening. I ask for help from wherever it is available to give all of us who want Kamala Harris to be our next president, the energy to do what it takes to make it happen.

Unicon

 Are you familiar with the concept of paranoia? Paranoia is the irrational belief that the universe is conspiring against you. There is a little known opposite to this condition. It’s called pronoia. Pronoia is the irrational belief that the universe is conspiring in your behalf.

I believe in pronoia. When I first heard the concept of pronoia I thought if I am going to be irrational I would rather believe with all my heart that the universe has my back rather than is out to get me.

My wise daughter and I were having a conversation about pronoia as a desired state. She found it unfortunate that to remember the concept of pronoia she had to first think of paranoia and its opposite to get her mind there.

Monnya renamed pronoia Unicon which is a simple way of noticing and naming that the universe is conspiring for your good. Since then I have shared the concept of Unicon with others. All of us now recognize when something feels like Unicon. There are small coincidences that occur every day that, to me, have always felt like synchronicities. When I am missing someone and they call me, when I find in my home, exactly what I thought I needed to go out and buy. Unicon is when something seems to be a perfect fit for my mood or my body or my soul. Unicon is when an answer to my wishes or my intentions or my hopes and dreams is suddenly apparent right in front of my face. Unicon is when someone says exactly what I need to hear or it comes in a text or an email or a quote. Unicon Unicon Unicon

It is a delight to look for evidence of Unicon. When I look the evidence is everywhere. I know now that this belief in Unicon brings me delight and joy. I chose to believe that the universe is conspiring for my good. This belief creates safety and confidence. It feeds on itself. The more I look for the evidence of Unicon the more noticeable it is. The more I see Unicon the more I trust and have confidence that the universe is indeed conspiring in my behalf. 

Sometimes what is happening to me like a big disappointment like sleeping through some event I thought was important doesn’t appear to be Unicon. It appears to represent a character flaw in me. I also believe in ultimate Unicon. Ultimate Unicon is the belief that although the universe is conspiring for my good, it isn’t always apparent to me in the moment. Sometimes the Ultimate support of the universe with everything that happens to me is not even apparent to me in the same year or even decade.

My first divorce was devastating to me. I had the idea that without working on a relationship and making myself accountable for my unskilled behavior, my marriage would last forever. Also I was unaware that compassion for my young husband’s issues would have helped me to do good personal work. He was similarly delusional. When we split up I felt like the bottom had come out of my life. I was lost and scared and began, motivated by the pain of abandonment,  the journey of personal and spiritual growth that I have now been on for almost fifty years. That divorce woke me up and ultimately was the best thing that ever happened to me. It took me about seven years of spiritual seeking to get to that realization. 

I began to grow up and eventually learned that being an adult meant dealing with experiencing and releasing the past. My parents were not the bad guys, only flawed humans loving me imperfectly so I could learn to love myself.  Ultimate Unicon.

The big picture is a harder fit for Unicon. How could the suffering in the world and war and injustice and oppression and hatred and global warming and Donald Trump be part of the universe conspiring for our good? That isn’t clear to me at all from the vantage point I have now. Maybe all I can do is whatever I can to alleviate suffering, own my own stuff, comitt to learning and growth, and hope that out of all that more will be revealed.

What do you notice about Unicon in yourself and in your own life? I appreciate noticing Unicon because it makes me feel more grateful. I am grateful to share Unicon with you.

We Are All One

                        We Are All One- Lyrics of first verse

When I look into your eyes I see who I am.

When I look into your eyes I know who I am.

When I look into your eyes my heart opens wide

When I look into your eyes my judgements subside.

And I see, And I know, 

We are all one (repeat 4X)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Black and white. Rich and poor. Left and right. Old and young.     

We are all one (repeat 4X)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Songs come through me. They have since I was a little girl. My pre-school report card said, Andie sings and makes up songs. As an adult, during the process of losing most of my hearing, it became less and less possible for me to listen to music. Music sounded like pots banging together.

After receiving my cochlear implant and after hours and hours of practice,  music began to be a pleasurable experience again. I began to sing every day and the song We Are All One bubbled up. I am so grateful that my implant gave me back my music.

For the past two years I have been practicing with a meditation sangha or community in the tradition of Thict Naht Hahn. His concept of inter-being means the connection of all living things. Inter-being was really an inspiration to me and is reflected in my song. I sang my song on my birthday at my sangha and shared it with the community. Then there was an arts night where people shared their original creations and I sang my song again.

John Bickham, who is a member of my sangha and a superb musician, asked me if he could put my song to music. I am an untrained singer and can barely read music. I was thrilled at his offer. I got to record my song in his studio and then he created the beautiful soundtrack which enhanced the song immeasurably. I am so grateful to John. John and his wife Rita also did the lovely backup vocals for my song.

The next step was posting the song on Facebook and YouTube. My daughter Monnya and I painted pictures for the video and she created the visuals for the video using our artwork. She did a wonderful job. 

We posted the song on Valentine’s Day. It is my gift of Love to the world. My vision is to spread the message of we are all one to the world.

Please help me to spread the message by going to YouTube and searching for We Are All One by Andrea Silver and sharing my song with whoever you think would benefit from it. Thank you, I am grateful for the opportunity to create this song and share its message. We Are All One.

Interspecies connection- the fly and I

 Hello, I’m not sure how to write about this. Here goes. A few nights ago I was in the middle of a class and I noticed a fly on my living room floor on its back struggling to turn over. Upon closer observation I could see that one leg and one wing were different from the other leg and wing. The fly struggled and struggled and was unable to move from its back to its front and move away. As I watched I thought, maybe I could help. 

I remembered the story of the boy watching a butterfly struggle to get out of its cocoon. After a while he decided to help. Part of the butterfly’s transformation was the struggle to break through from the cocoon to emerge and fly away. The boy helped the butterfly get out and it immediately died as it emerged.

So I watched for a long time rooting for the fly to turn over on its own. I felt connected to the fly and its perseverance was inspiring to me.  I then decided to try and help not knowing if my help would even be helpful. With the arm of my glasses I gently turned the fly over. He or she began to move. What a triumph! Then in a few seconds she/he was back on her back and struggling to turn back over again. I am going to use they as a pronoun. I think they would have liked that. By now the fly’s journey had my complete attention and we completed our ritual many more times. I would turn them over and they would begin to walk and then they would be flipped over back on to their back. I tried to make a little ramp to even out the discrepancies between the leg and wing on one side. That allowed them to stay on their front a little longer. We kept at this for a very long time. The fly’s efforts to right themselves never availed. They didn’t seem to effort any less as time went on. Eventually I knew I had to stop and go to bed. After several failed attempts to let go and leave the fly to its struggles alone, I was finally able to go upstairs and get ready for bed. I was so inspired by the tenacious spirit of the fly.

In the morning I came down and observed that the fly had ceased moving and was dead. I felt sad and wondered if my helping had prolonged a struggle that would have ended in an easier death. I could make up lots of stories about what I think this fly’s experience might have been. I don’t know how this all works. It got me thinking about life and death and rebirth and how all of life is a mystery and a miracle.

What I do know is that my experience with this fly changed me. I have always had the belief that we are all interconnected. I don’t know that I would have included flies before. Later that day I held a little service for the fly and asked how it wanted me to dispose of its body. Intuitively I felt that it wanted to be composted and that’s what I did. Who knows where that information came from? I have thought about the fly fondly many times since I put them in the compost. This experience of interspecies connection was very strong and I am grateful.  Have you had similar personal experiences?

The paralysis of samskara

 I was doing Qi Gong the other day with my friend and teacher Satya. She led us in  a movement called Stepping out of Samskara. This level of Qi Gong is called medical qi gong and each group of three movements is designed to address a medical condition. Stepping out of samskara was part of a group of movements designed to address paralysis from an accident. She suggested that we send the energy of the movements to someone who had experienced paralysis from an accident if we hadn’t experienced that ourselves. That made me think. I think of Samskara as conditioning or our personality strategy or our small self. It’s who we are when we forget our divine self. 

I believe we are two selves. Our divine self or spirit or universal energy or essence in the Enneagram. It means all of who we are and all of what we could be. This unified self is available to us and always with us even when we forget all of who we really are. When we forget all of who we are and rely on the personality strategies or patterns or formations we have developed to survive in our families of origin, that could be called small self. Big Self is the unified self that includes the small self and is more than that.

So doing Qi gong it came to me that samskara is paralysis. The paralysis of samskara. This paralysis is from an accident. The accident of thinking we are less than who we truly are.  Stepping out of samskara means recognizing the mistake we make when we think we Are only our egos. I know I have an ego or personality self and that part of me can be running the show. I recognize the futility of working on my personality with my personality. That’s when I know I need to ask for help from Big Self. That is, for me, what prayer is. 

When I recognize the paralysis of samskara I want to be kind to myself. I might be certain there is something wrong with me or that I am a loser or lost in blaming myself or someone else. Judging myself for my accidental paralysis into my conditioning is two steps away from connection with my higher self. Big Self loves all of me unconditionally and that is the movement I am seeking. 

I ask for help from all of who I am. Please help me.  I am then more able to recognize and validate what I am feeling and comfort myself.  Please help me to accept myself as I am.  Please help me to chose the perspective that represents kindness to myself and others. Please help me to find a smile, find the good, focus on the bigger picture. Often what comes to me is a release from taking things so personally and a deeper understanding of my part of what’s been going on that is troubling me. I can move out of automatic pilot and make choices that reflect clear thinking.

What if another way to look at the paralysis of samskara is when the prefrontal cortex or reasoning brain is taken over by the amygdala or fight flight or freeze response. You could say we flip our lids. We are frozen or paralyzed into a reaction that doesn’t involve clear thinking. According to neuroscience, it takes seven seconds or three deep breaths to reengage the prefrontal cortex. Three deep breaths to remember who we really are. In that way the reasoning brain is a pathway to the expansiveness of the divine self or Big Self. Three deep breaths to ask for help. 

Big Self includes it all. When I am more identified with Big Self, usually after asking for help, I can feel more connected to my own body and more present. From that place I can more clearly get the sense that all living things are interconnected. The paralysis of samskara can be a vehicle for me to move beyond it.  I can embrace the paralysis of samskara as a pathway to open up to all of who I am. I can recognize that the paralysis or stuckness I feel is an accident. I can recognize my mistake and ask for help. I can move beyond paralysis by embracing my paralyzed self. Please help me to remember who I can be in the midst of my forgetting. May we all learn and grow more and more each day into all of who we are. 

Thank you for listening.

On Wednesday I Heard Birds

 My Cochlear implant activation was on June 5 about 6 weeks ago. Since then a miraculous world has opened up for me. Last Wednesday I heard birds for the first time in twenty years. What a thrill to begin to hear their sweet music. There is a small meditation bell that gets rung at my meditation group when we do meditation walking outside. I heard it for the first time two weeks ago. Pleasure and recognition flowed through my body.

 I was really lucky in that I could understand speech from the time my devise was activated. That is not true with every recipient. My surgeon and my audiologist are both very skillful. Everyone at Cochlear, where I got my devise, have been so supportive and helpful. The resources and the people they provide have been invaluable.

 I have worked really hard doing hearing therapy every day. The  gradually more difficult exercises are designed to teach me to hear with my devise better and better. I can now listen to podcasts. It is thrilling to me to be able to learn anything I want to as part of my hearing therapy. It is pleasing to be able to do two things at once while listening to a podcast. Before I had to have a video with captions and use lip reading. Certain sounds are still challenging to distinguish. S as in Sally and sh as in Shelley are still difficult. I think my progress is amazing and I am so grateful. I will continue to work hard practicing so that my remarkable brain can get as much support as I can give it in learning this new language. 

The amount of energy I was devoting to trying to understand speech was exhausting for me. I am more relaxed with my clients because I am so much more confident that I will understand what they are saying. I think I am a better therapist now.

In the beginning everyone sounded like Minny Mouse. The sound was high pitched and mechanical. After a few weeks the pitch dropped and everyone sounded like Mickey Mouse. That was a big improvement. Recently some familiar people sound more like how I remembered them to sound. I am looking forward to that continuing to improve.

I went to a party for the first time yesterday and it was still very challenging to follow a conversation. I was glad that I could easily hear one person talking. My Cochlear implant doesn’t erase my hearing loss, however it has vastly improved my ability to move through my life and hear.

I have noticed that my identity is shifting. I have identified myself with my disability for most of my adult life. Every conversation I had I introduced my hearing challenges. I saw myself as a person with a disability. Now that doesn’t feel true. What feels true is I have challenged hearing and it doesn’t define who I am. I am forging a new identity based on the adventure that life has become.

A lot of creative energy has been freed up now that I’m not efforting to hear so much. I have been writing and drawing and singing more. I even sang a song that I wrote called “ We are all one” at an open Mic.

Music is my next frontier. It still sounds very much like someone clanging pots together. I want to begin listening to familiar music with printed  lyrics to begin my music journey. I have heard that music is the biggest challenge to adjust to and is very doable with lots of practice. That is so encouraging.

I will close now. I appreciate being able to share my experience with all of you. Thank you for listening.

Cochlear Implant- beginning journey

 I thought I was going to write in my journal tonight and I realized I filled it up last week and don’t have another. So I am writing here. I just experienced Cochlear Implant surgery. I have had challenged hearing for more than thirty five years. I think my hearing loss started at a Sly and the Family Stone rock concert when I was seventeen. I got pushed up against a giant speaker and have had really loud ringing in my ears ever since. I started to lose my hearing in my mid thirties. I got hearing aids in my forties rejected them and then tried again successfully twenty years ago in my fifties. My hearing loss has progressed a great deal in the last year. It is now considered a profound level of hearing loss in both ears. Hearing aids are really helpful and my hearing aid technicians are a combination of mad scientist and angel. I am grateful.

I have learned to read lips very skillfully and now I rely on lip reading for about 90 percent of my hearing. I am a psychotherapist. My job is perfect for me because I am in a small room with one or two other people staring at their mouths and listening intently. I am extremely blessed that I have gotten to do the work that I love in the midst of my disability. I think my hearing loss has helped me to be more compassionate toward others challenges. As my outer hearing has deteriorated, my inner hearing has developed more and more. I am able to access my intuition through inner listening and have many wise guides. My clients are very patient if I need them to repeat themselves. Holding other people in love through my work for forty years has been one of the greatest gifts of my lifetime.

My other greatest gift is my daughter. She has had to navigate my hearing loss all of her life. I know it has been challenging for her.  She came out from Chicago to be with me for my surgery. I am so lucky to have this talented loving creative evolved being to share my journey with.

In the last year I have begun to seriously contemplate Cochlear implant surgery. The clarity of my being able to understand speech has gotten steadily worse in the last year.  I was struggling in all areas of my life and was mostly unable to understand conversations unless I could read the persons lips. I had withdrawn from almost all socializing and felt more and more isolated. I am very active and my hearing challenges created a great deal of exhaustion. My close people were understanding and I knew communicating with me was getting more difficult for all of them.

I am so grateful, in a way, that my hearing loss was bad enough that I qualified to be a candidate for a Cochlear implant. In the year before the surgery I interviewed four mentors about their experiences living with the device. Their stories were all different. Each one encouraged me to move forward based on their own positive experiences. After each conversation I felt less and less afraid. I was doing counseling myself as a client and did a lot of work experiencing and releasing my fears. The more I felt my fear the more space there was within me for excitement.

My surgery was three days ago. I so appreciate that my sister and my daughter were with me. The nurses and the doctors were so helpful. My surgeon was skillful, direct and kind. I was very afraid and closed my eyes and breathed deeply to prepare myself for the surgery. The operation implanting the Cochlear implant into my head took two hours. After coming out of anesthesia I was the most drugged dizzy and nauseous I’ve ever felt. I got to go home and sleep it off for four hours. 

As the days have gone by I am moving very slowly, taking lots of meds, and experimenting with how much or little I can do to keep the nausea, dizziness and pain at bay. I can’t lift anything over ten pounds or bend over for several weeks. After the wound heals in two weeks my Cochlear implant will be activated and I will learn to hear in a whole new way. 

I will write again after the Cochlear Implant activation. Right now I have one hearing aid and lip reading. I am managing well. I feel strong and confident and trust that I will be OK whatever happens. Going through this procedure has taught me a lot about my own capabilities. Going through with surgery has helped me to trust myself and my vibrantly healthy body and how resilient I am. A great deal of self doubt has melted away because now I am on the other side of the operation I was so afraid of for so long. 

Thank you for listening.

To fix or not to fix

Good evening. I have been thinking about brain science of late. I’d like to share an idea I have about Neuropsychology. To do this I will explain a phenomenon in neuroanatomy. 

If you can imagine or visualize or hold your right hand with the thumb and fingers spread out wide. The thumb represents the amygdala. It is the part of the brain that helps us to survive. It is an ancient part that has protected us from being eaten by saber-toothed tigers. The amygdala creates a reaction of fight, flight or freeze when danger is perceived. The prefrontal cortex is the reasoning brain in charge of higher functions.

If you imagine or visualize or hold your right hand up in a fist now with your thumb tucked under your fingers. This hand position depicts that the prefrontal cortex or reasoning brain  keeps the amygdala contained until it is needed. When a sufficiently stressful situation arises that is perceived as dangerous, the prefrontal cortex moves off of the amygdala. Move or imagine  your fingers flipping up off of your thumb leaving the amygdala in charge. You can think of this as flipping your lid. Your reasoning brain is no longer in charge and a more primitive part of our brain the amygdala, supports us in fighting, running or flight, or freezing or playing dead.

Much has been written about this response. To me it has been very useful in understanding what happens when we are traumatized. Strong feelings elicit strong responses. The following is an idea I have about discerning what to do with strong feelings that arise in us in a situation that isn’t dangerous to our survival now.

 I have noticed when either myself or others experience strong feelings we want to fix them. We are so uncomfortable with strong feelings and unfamiliar with dealing with them that we knee jerk to fix them rather than allow them to be there. There is a sense of urgency to make the feelings go away as quickly as possible. We imagine it is helpful to ourselves or others to talk ourselves or them out of the feelings, invalidate them or minimize them. What if we could learn to wait and sit with the feelings we have in ourselves or when we are with others experiencing strong feelings? What if we could breath and notice our reaction and be with what is? What if this mindfulness could support us in reengaging the prefrontal cortex or reasoning brain. According to what I have read it takes seven seconds to reengage the prefrontal cortex when the amygdala has been activated. That is three deep breaths. What if mindfulness could support us in seeing if perceived danger is really dangerous in the present moment?

 I am proposing an experiment to notice when we want to fight or run away or freeze in a stressful situation that isn’t dangerous to take three deep breathes. Instead of fixing our discomfort with the feeling we actually feel them and notice and wait. See if the act of showing up for yourself with your discomfort instead of fixing allows the feeling to dissipate or lessen. What if fixing feelings is an obstacle to experiencing and releasing them? What if mindfulness, or awareness and acceptance, of strong feelings could support us in having clearer thinking?  What if this could lead to healthier relationships with ourselves and others? What if the ability to sit with strong feelings would enable us to develop more self compassion and more compassion for each other?  What do you think? 

Being

 While on a five day meditation retreat I had an experience that was deeply moving for me. It feels daunting to communicate clearly what happened and I want to share it with you. At the retreat my intention was to slow down and focus more on being than doing. I was having medium success. I was challenged by how busy my mind was and my familiar tendency to move fast and do a lot.

On the grounds of the retreat center where the retreat was held was a labyrinth. A labyrinth is an intricate series of circles made of stones that you walk through to the end of. You start on the outside and the path progresses in a winding path toward the center innermost circle where in this labyrinth was an altar. The purpose of walking a labyrinth is for contemplation. Focusing on the path ahead and continuing to walk through  the circles of stones can clear the mind of thought. This labyrinth was outside in a beautiful forest. I felt connected to the trees and the sky and the rocks and the earth beneath my feet as I walked. I danced to a rhythm inside myself as I walked. When I got to the center I saw that many people who had come before me had added rocks and different parts of trees to the altar. 

I picked up a large yellow leaf I was drawn to about a foot away and placed it on the altar. As I stood there the wind blew my leaf off of the altar and turned it upside down. On the underside of the leaf someone else had written Being with a black sharpie pen. To me it felt like the universe was giving me the experience that being was as important as doing. I got the chills thinking that someone else had written this message for themselves and then it got passed on to me. It felt like a transmission from the forest through another person. Standing there I felt connected to all there is. I was part of the interconnection of the roots of the trees and the earth and the sky and all the people who had been there before me. In that moment everything seemed to come together and I laughed out loud at the lovely synchronicity that had brought the message of Being to me. 

My delight continued and I smiled  broadly and chuckled to myself as I began to walk out of the labyrinth in my dance like style from the inner circle where the altar was. I even skipped for a bit. I made my way through the intricate pathway in ever widening circles of stones  to the outside of the labyrinth where the entrance and exit were.

I felt supported in my quest to open to Being and somehow I knew that I wasn’t doing it wrong to have my busy mind and be exactly who I was doing this retreat how I was doing it. Being has a wide embrace and all of who I am could be included. 

I am grateful. Thank you for listening.  Is there anything you would like to include about yourself in the wide embrace of Being that has been challenging for you to include?

Pickleball as an FGO

 Pickleball is my new passion. I have never played a team sport or seen myself as an athlete. I was in High School before Title 9 mandated equal opportunity sports for girls. Our sports options were cheerleaders or Pom Pom girls,  neither of which I had any interest in. My family all skied and I grew up from age 11 skiing every weekend. I chose my first college because they had skiing for PE.  I skied for fifty years and stopped after I broke my leg. Lately my exercise activities have been  running, biking and hiking. I usually run and bike alone and hike either alone or with one other friend. Learning and teaching yoga have been foundational in my life. Playing a team sport was not even on my radar.

The idea of trying pickleball came to me because I heard that many seniors really enjoyed it. A close friend had started playing and loved it. I thought, Why not? I’ll check it out. 

Being a beginner at anything is so challenging. Being an awful beginner is even more challenging. Some people seemed to catch on much easier than me. I always felt like the worst one. Most people I played with through local meetups and rec centers were kind and some were helpful. One place I played at, I learned that many of the people played at one of the women’s private pickleball court. I screwed up my courage and asked if they were open to taking new people. The owner of the court said, “Maybe when you are better.” I was crushed. I almost quit and somehow I kept going. I knew by then that it was so valuable to me to stick with pickleball because I really enjoyed it and it gave me an amazing opportunity to work with my inner critic. I understand now that some people who have been playing for a while don’t want to be slowed down by a beginner. I try to be patient and generous with people who are just learning and it is a stretch sometimes.

I have a very harsh inner critic and pickleball has allowed me to watch it operate in its full glory. I soon learned that saying “You Suck” to myself wasn’t at all helpful and spiraled me into playing worse. The more I was mean to myself, the worse I played. Then as I kept playing and became aware of how berating myself affected my game, I started saying, “ Don’t do that to yourself or You don’t need to do that to yourself” about the criticism. That was basically criticizing myself for criticizing myself. That didn’t work either. 

Accepting myself as I am has been a lifelong challenge in almost all areas of my life. Pickleball is an arena to practice my skills at the game and  to practice my self-compassion. I started saying “I love you” to myself after all the shots I wasn’t pleased with, as an exercise in self-compassion. Now, when I say that to myself I mostly believe it. 

I now play two or three times a week. It’s very satisfying to me to notice that practicing really does lead to progress. I’ve also progressed with how I treat myself during the games.

It’s easier to be kind to myself.  I notice the kinder I can be, the more I enjoy myself and the better I play. I now try to remember to say I love you after all of my shots even the ones I feel good about. I have varying results with my games. I can still fall into being frustrated and impatient and feeling badly about myself for how I am playing. I am a slow learner and I guess I still have to be reminded over and over how uncomfortable criticizing myself is and how badly it affects my game. I think the concept of self-acceptance and compassion has been spilling over from pickleball and my meditation practice into more of my life.

What if I’m actually not a loser? What if it was courageous of me to start playing pickleball as a rank beginner and keep practicing and getting better? I am still sometimes the worst one playing. At least I think so. Sometimes I can tell I am getting better. Sometimes I get feedback from others about a good shot or a good serve. I am surprised and pleased.

Although I am very competitive, it has been important to me to acknowledge both my teammate and the opposing teammates for good shots. I think my positively acknowledging the other team has modeled it for others. I think I have been able to influence the energy to be more collaborative and more positive. I try to remember that pickle ball is fun. That’s mostly why I love it. It’s fun to play hard and have a satisfying game. What if any game could be a satisfying game if I let it? 

Today I also practiced focusing on three things I feel good about how I played after a day of not playing as well as I would have liked. That seemed like a good practice. Yesterday I was on cloud nine because I thought I played great. I’d like to learn to embrace the ebb and flow and recognize that it would be possible to move beyond good bad right wrong. What if being present with what is, is even available in pickle ball? And in life. I’m going to begin next game to recognize when I am being present with my body and the other players and the flow of the game and acknowledge myself for that. Who knows what heights that will lead me to with my game?

One of my friends who plays pickleball has said it is her intention to celebrate every shot as a learning opportunity. A worthwhile goal, in my opinion. What if this could be true of life? That we are moving through life to acknowledge the opportunity to learn and grow. All of it is an opportunity to learn and grow. Even learning to work with a harsh inner critic is an opportunity to learn and grow. One of my clients calls challenges that life presents FGOs. It stands for F##king growth opportunity. That makes me smile whenever I think of it. I salute pickleball as my newest FGO. I look forward to continue to grow in my skill in the game and in my sweetness to myself. 

Navigating a relationship crossroad

My partner and I are at a crossroads in our relationship. We’ve been together for almost a year. We are very different people and want some of the same things. The crossroad we are navigating is “Can we accept who the other is without trying to change them? Can we each be ourselves without pretending or abdicating ourselves or hiding out in what’s comfortable and honor our relationship at the same time? What would a relationship based on true acceptance of ourselves and each other look like? Could we enjoy ourselves together more and find more common ground? 

I have had little experience with real acceptance in a romantic relationship before. When I have been in a relationship with a man, I have spent a lot of time in judgement, preoccupied and distracted, even if I only have voiced some of what I am judging the other person about. Ultimately, I am judging myself for doing it wrong by choosing the wrong person again. In the past, my preoccupation with judgement has lead to resentment and being critical on my part, and withdrawal on my partners part. I have hidden a great deal of what I want and need from myself and the other person and been afraid to give voice to my needs.

My current partner and I have been more honest and more accepting than I have experienced before. We each bring up what we need to clear with each other regularly and both experience feeling closer out of clearing conflict. We are both skilled at deep listening and being genuinely curious about the other’s take. We also practice eye gazing when we first get together, to connect on a deeper level without words. In a few minutes the energy can shift and we can move toward more awareness that we are connected on a deeper level that feels safe and easefull. In this energy we are both aware that we are all one. All of this is precious to me.

I have always wanted to experience a long term committed relationship and that dream has alluded me. My longest relationship was for ten years with my daughter’s father over thirty years ago. I have many women friends who are in several decades long relationships, some for forty or fifty years. Other people have seemed to master the art of accepting another person for who they are. The ones who have learned to chose each other in the midst of it all, are the ones with seemingly happy marriages. The ones who continue focusing on what’s wrong seem terribly unhappy.

What does acceptance look like? Can I be curious about acceptance enough to hang in there and see what happens? Can he? There is enough good in our relationship to make it worthwhile for both of us to continue to grow and learn together. There are also some very real challenges we face with how differently we each live our lives and what is important to each of us. Can we allow ourselves to enjoy each other more and find more common ground? Can we find a balance with what we each enjoy doing alone and with others and spending more time together? Is seeing each other twice a week and living in two separate houses working? It is now. What if all there is is now? 

What if in this moment I have enough of what I want?  I could continue to ask to be present and explore with curiosity what is available when both of us are choosing each other. I appreciate that we are both willing to embrace each other and our questions.

I’d like to continue to show up for myself and what I am feeling in my body. I’d like to continue to notice my judgements of myself and of him. I’d like to give intentional airtime to focusing on what is good between us. I’d like to be aware that I have decades of experience being accepting of my close friends and clients. Maybe, I’ll trust myself in knowing I am in the process of applying my wisdom about acceptance with friends and clients, where it is easy for me, to a romantic relationship.

It is true that each of us will celebrate the other whatever the outcome of this passage is. I treasure that. 

Pleasure

 Tonight I hung out, ate popcorn and watched a movie. I really enjoyed the movie and being with myself. Sometimes it is challenging for me to spend time doing things that seem frivolous or with out purpose.

This year I have the intention to open to pleasure. Pleasure kind of scares me. I feel so out of control.

As long as I am practicing  all of my disciplines and being the queen of self care my life feels manageable.

I think for some people, who tend more toward inactivity, more discipline is a worthy intention. For me I notice sometimes that doing all of my disciplines every day can get kind of compulsive and even tyrannical. I miss out on the sweetness of life.  My new discipline is to be more spontaneous.

This week several activities I usually do haven’t worked out. I have had more time to do whatever I want and to even see what that is. What if playing solitaire isn’t a moral crime?

Tomorrow morning the yoga class I usually attend got changed to virtual because of Covid. This class doesn’t really work for me to do virtually with my hearing challenges. I have a lot of options. I don’t work until 1:00. Usually I would plan out the morning tonight. Instead my plan is to wake up and see what I feel like doing. What if I want to sleep in instead of doing yoga and meditation? What if I want to eat when I’m hungry and not let my intermittent fasting window decide when I eat? What if enjoying myself is my new frontier? 

It’s not like there is no pleasure in my life. Rather it is not what I have focused on. I have focused on growing and learning and I have grown and learned a lot. I think it is time now to begin to shift my focus to include exploring what feels good to me rather than what is missing in myself and in my life.

I feel excited. What if I let go of my usual all or nothing MO and began to explore what feels good in the midst of practicing my disciplines? What if what changed was the idea that I need to keep active and always doing something to be OK? What if embracing slowing down would give me a chance to better accept myself and my life as it is and to be curious. 

Ah, curiosity. What if I could be more often curious and less often  judgemental? What if curiosity would open my heart? What if I could even be curious about being judgemental? What if Self-Compassion involved asking ,what’s this like for me? instead of Why? 

There are a lot of sad and scary things happening in the world right now. The climate emergency is looming, Our political system seems to be stagnated with partisan politics. Hateful things are happening every day. Covid 19 is rapidly spreading right now. All of this is true and its easy to meet it all with despair and  numbness.

Somehow focusing on pleasure seems even more important right now, in the midst of these very challenging times. If I am aware of when I am enjoying myself I have more access to being present with what I am doing. Being more present allows me to think more clearly and have better access to all of my feelings. Better access to all of my feelings and clearer thinking allows me to feel more alive. Feeling more alive allows me to let go of going through the motions and doing things to get them over with so I can  move on to the next thing. I want to practice savoring moments more.

My adventure is deeper awareness and taking the time to notice what  feels good and what doesn’t and giving myself the option to chose differently or continue.

Right now, I am done writing. Thank you for listening. What role does pleasure play in your life?

Two Rivers

 Tonight in a class a woman shared about a dream she had with two rivers. One was turbulent with rushing water and pieces of debris being dragged along with the current. The water was unsettled and muddy.

The other river was calm and clear and flowed along serenely. The person sharing was in a situation with an unknown outcome. She decided to pause and consider that the two different rivers represented a choice. Her choice wasn’t about which course of action to follow in her decision. Her choice was about which river to choose about her reaction to the decision making process. Would she choose to be in turmoil or serenity about the outcome of her dilemma? She chose to be accepting of  whatever the outcome was, knowing she would be OK either way. The calm river to her was the river of letting go of anxiety about the outcome of her situation- trusting that whatever happened would be what happened.

I got to use the pausing and two rivers concept right after the class. In a new relationship I was feeling neglected. I paused and considered two rivers: The turbulent one was taking the other person’s busyness personally and withdrawing.  I knew the other person being temporarily unavailable had nothing to do with me. In the past that hasn’t stopped me from making up a story that I am being abandoned and reacting with anger, either by accusing or withdrawing. When I paused I could see both rivers. The calm river flowed by. It represented trusting my knowing rather than my story. What if I chose the calm river this time? I knew I could be compassionate with myself about my discomfort. I could show up for myself and  reassure myself about feeling hurt. I could comfort myself about feeling sad instead of getting mad and believing my old story. I could then be supportive of the other person completing their current stressful report and offer encouragement to keep going because they were almost done. 

I chose the calm river. What a good feeling to deeply know that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Pausing before the two rivers was a powerful way to chose anew.

My favorite quote, which I’ve mentioned before,  is by Victor Frankl.

 Freedom is the pause between stimulus and response. 

Reacting with anger or withdrawing in response to imagined abandonment is a patterned response with a lot of history for me. Pausing at the stimulus, which is whatever another is doing that triggers me into my habitual response, allows me to sooth myself and show up for myself about what I am feeling. I can comfort the little girl inside me who felt abandoned by my emotionally unavailable Dad, and let her experience her hurt and anger. I can let her know that she didn’t do anything wrong. I can reassure her that her father was acting distracted and withdrawn because that’s what he did with his own pain. It had nothing to do with her. I could even go back in time to advocate for her with my Dad and let him know that withdrawing emotionally was an unacceptable way to treat a little girl. I could let him know I was taking her home with me where she could be loved in the way she deserved to be. Then I could hold her and let her cry. In this way I could create the shift to begin to heal the past in the present. It’s also important to acknowledge ourselves for choosing the calm river and doing things differently when we do. 

Consider pausing and thinking about those two rivers when you are faced with a dilemma or find yourself poised to react in a habitual way. I think it will even be helpful to me after I’ve reacted in a habitual way and chose the turbulent river, to consider what the calm river might have been. Hopefully I can be accepting of what is and forgiving with myself about reacting habitually. Acceptance and forgiveness allows me to be kinder to myself. Kindness and compassion can help create the spaciousness needed to chose a healthier option in the future. Pausing at the banks of  those two rivers can be an  opportunity to create change that comes from acceptance. That kind of change feels healthy and sustainable to me.

Thank you for listening.

 Andrea

Motorcycle helmets and vaccinations

 Last week I had a rude awakening. On a dating site I had two conversations with two men I considered to be intelligent,  aware people who weren’t getting vaccinated. I expressed curiosity to both of them about where they were coming from. I told one of them that I didn’t know anyone who hadn’t been vaccinated and had thought previously that people who were choosing not to get vaccinated were from the far right of the political spectrum. Neither of these people fit my stereotype. This person after telling me that he didn’t believe in big pharma and that the government wasn’t to be trusted, said that he didn’t know anyone who was vaccinated. He also said that it didn’t feel good to him to put this vaccine into his body and that he would trust that he wouldn’t get COVID or that he would have a mild case. I was glad I got the chance to be curious and learn. 

I remember when I felt like I was healthy and strong and took great care of myself and would never get COVID,  before I got COVID. COVID was my teacher. It taught me to honor the process by which it moved through my body by doing little else besides sleeping for ten days. It taught me to be open to getting a vaccine. I knew clearly the experience of having COVID, although I would say I had a medium case, avoiding hospitalization and death, was not something I was willing to repeat. I was convinced that the science on the effects of the vaccine in no way compared to the effects of having COVID. 

We are all in this together. This virus affects all of us. I read the other day about the difference between motorcycle helmets and a pandemic. If a person chooses not to wear a motorcycle helmet because he feels it interferes with his personal  freedom only his own head gets bashed in in the event of an accident. With COVID we are all interconnected and it seems to me that worrying about infringement of individual preferences is superceeded by large numbers of people dying from this virus. I believe vaccinations have been proven to slow the spread of the virus.

My vision is that over the course of the next few months there will be a realization that we all need to pull together to heal the planet from this virus. The earth is telling us we need to pay attention. What if how we deal with vaccinations is a trial run for how we deal with climate change? I am hoping for people in this country who have decided not to be vaccinated to change their minds in large numbers so we can collectively bring the numbers down of people dying from COVID and begin the larger job of living together in a way that honors Mother Earth and each other. 

Thank you for listening. 

Introspection

 Introspection

Introspection is alive and well within me

Like a little ant crawling on my skin

Easy to ignore for more important pursuits.

Until a sleepless night reminds me

That I have been avoiding myself.

“If you won’t listen to me when you are awake

I will get through to you at 3am.”

I listen.

I vow I no longer need to injure myself 

Or get sick to slow down

And pay attention to myself.

Being with the experience of mad, sad, scared and glad 

In my body

Opens the wellspring of joy beneath.

In this way I can show up for myself gratefully

And avoid the universe’s escalating reminders of neglect

A gentle tap

A little nudge

A slap

A punch

The cosmic two by four.

Dating at 71

Dating at 71 

I speak my truth from my heart with more courage and consistency.

I am more curious and less judgmental.

I am more willing to set healthy boundaries and keep them.

I am less desperate to be in a relationship and more content with being alone.

I am more aware of losing myself in the search and better able to breathe and return to my body in the present moment.

I am enjoying getting to know people more and learning discernment about what I want and don’t want.

I am less polite and more direct.

I am more aware of the importance of being compassionate and kind and treating people respectfully.

I take rejection less personally and can practice self compassion and comfort myself more easily when I do take rejection personally.

I know that we are all one and that because we are all connected how I treat others is how I want to be treated.

I am listening more and talking less.

I value silence and stillness and have less need to fill pauses.

I am more confident of my own worth and beauty and of what I have to offer.

I am learning to be more playful and have more fun.

I am learning that less is more and that more isn’t always better. 

I am less urgent and more patient and can work with my tendency to jump in too fast and honor the cadence of going slow and trusting what feels right.

I am aware of my old unmet needs in my relationship with my father growing up and willing to see my present triggers as past hurts and work on them. 

It is easier to get support from trusted friends and resource people and be real about being mad sad scared and glad. 

I am grateful to be more willing to let go of the outcome and show up for myself with whatever I am experiencing. 

Even though dating at 71 is challenging I am learning a lot and appreciate the opportunity to connect with other fellow human beings who are both different and the same as me. 

Fishing and Psychotherapy

     I turned 70 in March and have been practicing as a psychotherapist in private practice for forty years.  When people ask me when I will retire, it reminds me of a story. 

There was a fisherman who loved to fish. Every day was satisfying for him even in the midst of all the challenges because he loved his work.

He worked enough to make enough money to support his family and to spend time with them. He felt very satisfied with his life and was grateful for his good fortune.

I am going to change this story: Why couldn’t the person fishing in this story be a woman? 

There was a fisherwoman who loved to fish. Everyday was satisfying for her even in the midst of all the challenges because she loved her work.

She worked enough to make enough money to support her family and to spend time with them. She also found time to take care of herself. She felt very satisfied with her life and was grateful for her good fortune.

Another fisherwoman said to her, “ Why don’t you work twice as hard for the next twenty years? Then you can buy another boat and hire other people and make more money and buy another boat and hire more people and make even more money. Then you would have enough money to retire and do whatever you want to do.”

The fisherwoman smiled and said, “Why would I do that when I already do enough of whatever I want to do now?”           

I love my work. I get to hang out with bright, interesting people who really want to grow and support them in listening to their own inner wisdom. I have always made time more important than money. I have worked enough to support my family, spend time with them and to take care of myself. I am grateful that I am paid well and I can work less than full time. I understand I am very privileged and many other people don’t have that luxury.

I also have been able to save enough money to be able to work even less now. Now I have more time to be with my partner, see my friends and do all the many things I do to take care of myself. I am grateful.

I can’t imagine ever completely retiring from the work I love so much. Who know what the future will bring? Right now every person I see is an opportunity to heal and grow for both of us. My work is a spiritual adventure for me. 

The people I work with and I are collaborating together as we support the evolution of consciousness that we are all a part of. This evolution of consciousness unites us all. In my opinion this evolution of the consciousness of all of us is carrying on in the midst of all the challenges we face with Covid-19, saving our democracy anti-racism and the climate crisis. May all of us embrace the love in our hearts and in each others’ hearts. May all of us open to all that we are in body mind life and spirit. Thank you for listening.

Shoulds and wants

 The Buddha talked about desire and craving. Desire is something you want and is healthy for humans. Cravings are something we think we need to have or do to be OK. A desire would be, I’d like a chocolate cookie. A craving would be, I just had an upsetting phone call and if I can’t get to the refrigerator soon enough, and shove some food in my mouth, I won’t be OK, even though I’m not hungry.

When I was running I was thinking about what the Buddha said and all the Shoulds I have in my life. I should meditate every day, I should exercise every day, I should make sure that other people are pleased with me, I should always do what I think is expected of me and on and on.

What if shoulds are craving? If I think I need to do something or not do something to be OK as a person that is a craving. A should is something I think I need to do or not do to be OK. So shoulding on myself is pretending that being OK as a person, is conditional. Not only that but my shoulds can keep me from healthy desire. If I am concerned about what I should do, what I want to do isn’t a consideration. Relying on outside validation or my perception of outside validation (what someone else thinks) in making decisions keeps me from internal validation or what feels right to me.

So what if the antidote for shoulds is healthy desire? When I tell myself I should do something as if the self worth police have decreed it, I miss out on the opportunity to notice what I actually want or don’t want.

A friend of mine thought that as a therapist she should work with a very high conflict couple. She made up a story that she shouldn’t let this couple down. She decided it must mean she wasn’t a good enough therapist. When she asked herself what do I want, she realized she wanted to refer the couple to someone who specialized in high conflict couples. Without her shoulds, everyone’s needs could be better met.

Another friend felt she should give her time she set aside to be with herself to a person who wanted her help to solve a problem. This friend had a pattern of throwing herself under the bus to meet other’s needs. When she asked herself, what do I want? She realized she wanted some time to herself and apologized to the other person for saying she’d call her back and that she trusted her colleagues ability to solve her own problem.

For me, I have this delicious day all to myself to do whatever I want. There are so many shoulds I could do today. Being what I consider productive is one of them. I should really revisit that on-line class I never finished, today. I have the time? Yes, I do and what do I want?

In working with a should, I recognize and allow the should to be there. I should finish the on-line class today. It’s a good idea because indeed I do have the time. I pause and be quiet and breathe into the idea. Sometimes a should can transform into a want. Maybe, I’d like to finish the course so how much do I want to do today? However, as I look inside now, the answer is I don’t want to work on the course today at all.I am trusting that someday I will either want to work on the course enough to go back to it or I will eventually let go of it and be OK with that. I am OK whether I finish that course or not. As long as I am shoulding on myself about finishing the course, I am pretending that being OK depends on my doing or not doing my should.

Do I want to go to sleep when I think I should? Choosing consciously empowers me. Automatic pilot shoulds rob me of conscious choice. Do I wan to stay up reading a novel? Do I have to stay up til I finish it like I think I should or is what I want to finish the chapter and go to sleep? Choices have consequences and conscious choices have conscious consequences. Can I chose to do what I want knowing that choice is a creative experiment?

I went for a bike ride and I decided to do an experiment to not take water with me and drink before I went. Even though I thought I should take my water bottle, I decided not to. I thought it could mean less stops and a faster smoother ride. Well, it could have, however I was really thirsty. In this way a should transformed into healthy desire. Now I want to take my water bottle when I ride my bike. I notice my energy is behind drinking water more now and I am less likely to forget my water bottle.

I let my shoulds keep me from expressing myself creatively. Writing or painting or making a card usually loses out to a should. Can I trust that things that need to get done, will get done, if I let myself know what I want and do what I want. I have noticed that washing dishes has become more pleasurable when I let myself want to. Never leave dirty dishes in the sink, my should, has transformed into enjoying playing in warm soapy water and the feeling of satisfaction of a clean kitchen. However, vacuuming has not become a desire yet and my carpet looks as if no one has given it attention in a month, which would be true.

I think I should have written a deeper blog today. There will always be more shoulds. When I can recognize my shoulds, allow them to be there and then ask myself what do I want?, I can be happier and more satisfied with my life. What I wanted to write was this blog. I am glad I paused and gave myself permission to consider that what I wanted to do is write my blog today. 

I support you in noticing your shoulds and kindly asking yourself, what do I want? Noticing a should  allows the space to open to healthy desire. My body appreciates the opportunity to move from the tension in my neck and shoulders that comes with a should to the deeper easier breath that accompanies a want.

Doing what I want doesn’t come without guilt. Part of what I want is to move from the resentments of doing my shoulds through the guilt of doing what I want (and my fear of disappointing others,) to the eventual peace of knowing that doing what I want supports all of us. When I do what I want, I can better support others genuinely. Thank you for listening.