Hi everyone. It is good to be writing again. I have no idea what I want to write about. I only know that I want to write. I have made some changes in my life that I want to share. We completed the women's spiritual support group I have been leading for over eleven years. It felt clear and right even though it was sad. Most of the women were ready to move on to other adventures. My hope is that I will continue to study and learn and find other forums to teach in. It is satisfying to have more time available to see evening clients in Denver. At one point I couldn't imagine what my life would be like without that group because it was so important to me. I was so identified with being the leader of that group. Now I no longer am. It would've met next Thursday and I'd like to do a goodbye ritual on that night to mark the loss and the change and the growth of letting go and creating space. It's funny how an unimaginable loss can come to be and feel OK. It's a good lesson to me about attachment and letting go of attachment. Is there something in your life that you couldn't imagine ever letting go of that you have let go of? Acknowledge yourself for your resilience.
The other change that I want to share came from reading the book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. I found it to be very helpful. I put off reading it for a long time because I felt envious that she had published this book when I had never published my book Eating My Way to God. I realized I was resisting reading it for that reason and was kind to myself about it. I decided I was ready to let go of my envy in order to learn from what Geneen Roth had to offer. I've shared here before about my desire to let go of eating and reading at the same time. When I do both I often don't even notice what I am eating until I am done. I don't notice when I've had enough either.Many many times I have resolved to only eat when I am eating and only read when I am reading. It usually lasts less than two weeks and I gradually slip back into having reading material and reading glasses on my kitchen table and melding the two behaviors. Geneen Roth has these guidelines, one of which is to only eat when you are eating. I used her as a cheerleader to recreate my intention of conscious eating. I read the book at Valley View hot springs where I went by myself for four days. Being by myself with no work or house related distractions, it was easy to create lovely meals for myself and eat them with awareness. That was three weeks ago. I continued when I got home. It was challenging and I was tempted to grab my glasses many times. If they weren't there it was easier because I couldn't see to read. I was able to be kind and patient about the process of change and gentle about the slips I had.
At the same time I bought a new to me kitchen table and chairs. I decided to bring all of my reading materials and all of my mail and bills into my office and off of my kitchen table. My table had been my desk. I even had a usable desk in my office that had been sort of a dumping ground.
So now I have a tranquil space to eat in. I notice I am tasting food more and enjoying eating. That is a pleasure. I also notice I am reading less and the next step is to carve out more time to read besides reading on the internet. I love to read and want to do more. One good time would be instead of being on the computer before I go to bed I am going to read. I know that the stimulation of the computer before bed isn't supportive of good sleep. That is the next step. It's important to acknowledge the shift I have made and not only to focus on the next shift yet to be made. Good job, Andrea. You have made real progress with changing an automatic behavior to a more conscious one. Is there an automatic behavior you'd like to change to a more conscious one? Could you begin by being kind to yourself and noticing what it is?
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Clarity
Happy November. Five more days until the election. I worked for the Obama campaign today calling voters with mail-in ballots who hadn't turned them in yet. Next to each person's name was the nearest place for the person to turn in their ballot. I was really impressed with the level of organization and how receptive people were about knowing the nearest location to drop off their completed ballot. Several people thanked me for calling. I thanked all of them for answering their phone and for either already voting or being willing to vote. It was a pleasurable connection with most of the people I spoke to. I felt grateful to have the time to volunteer today and to feel part of the community surrounding Barack Obama's re-election campaign.
Every other Thursday evening I lead a women's spiritual support group. I give myself several hours on those Thursdays when I don't schedule clients to finish planning the group. Hence I had the time today to spend making calls at the Obama office.
I have been running this group in one form or another for over 11 years. I call it Sacred Circle. It has evolved as I have evolved. It now has meditation, intention setting, a short yin yoga practice, chanting and sharing. I study during the two weeks in between groups to find experiences and information I want to teach. It is important to me to combine personal and spiritual growth in a creative way to enable the beautiful women in my group to learn and grow. I create a safe space for nurturing connection by modeling authenticity and speaking truth from my heart. This has facilitated the creation of a supportive community where people feel safe to be themselves. I am very attached to leading and being part of this community.
In the past three months several people have left the group. Now another woman who has been with the group since the beginning is preparing to leave. I love to have a completion evening for people who leave so they can honor their contribution to the group and say goodbye. Clear goodbyes are rare in our culture. I think it is so delicious to have the opportunity to honor and celebrate beginnings and endings.
Now the group is small enough so I need to find new members if it is to continue. We decided to at least take a break for December. My energy isn't clear yet. In our intention process tonight I asked for clarity to know whether I wanted to continue or if it is time to let go and discontinue the group. I am asking for help from the universe to be willing to let go if that is what's needed or to be given the energy to attract women who would benefit from the group.
If you or anyone you know would benefit from being part of a sacred sanctuary of women to learn and grow personally and spiritually please let me know. Call me or e-mail me. I'd love to hear from you if you want more information.Community is a great opportunity to love ourselves and be mirrored in that love.
Is there something in your life you'd like to have clarity about? Would you be willing to try this experiment? Draw a circle around yourself in the air. This circle represents your own sacred space. This space is made sacred by you giving yourself your own attention. Imagine around the outside of the circle there is your spiritual support team. It could be made up of people, mountains, beings, animals, angels, light, oceans, trees, god or gods and goddesses, etc. Imagine that you could sit quietly and ask for help and guidance from this team. They can only help us when we ask for their help. They are always there whether we are aware of them or not. They are glad to help. Let yourself be open to receiving help. It doesn't mean you are a wimp. Being vulnerable and asking for help is a sign of strength. Let yourself be strong and ask for help and guidance. See what happens. Be willing to have whatever you experience be that help. Thanks for being willing to experiment.
Every other Thursday evening I lead a women's spiritual support group. I give myself several hours on those Thursdays when I don't schedule clients to finish planning the group. Hence I had the time today to spend making calls at the Obama office.
I have been running this group in one form or another for over 11 years. I call it Sacred Circle. It has evolved as I have evolved. It now has meditation, intention setting, a short yin yoga practice, chanting and sharing. I study during the two weeks in between groups to find experiences and information I want to teach. It is important to me to combine personal and spiritual growth in a creative way to enable the beautiful women in my group to learn and grow. I create a safe space for nurturing connection by modeling authenticity and speaking truth from my heart. This has facilitated the creation of a supportive community where people feel safe to be themselves. I am very attached to leading and being part of this community.
In the past three months several people have left the group. Now another woman who has been with the group since the beginning is preparing to leave. I love to have a completion evening for people who leave so they can honor their contribution to the group and say goodbye. Clear goodbyes are rare in our culture. I think it is so delicious to have the opportunity to honor and celebrate beginnings and endings.
Now the group is small enough so I need to find new members if it is to continue. We decided to at least take a break for December. My energy isn't clear yet. In our intention process tonight I asked for clarity to know whether I wanted to continue or if it is time to let go and discontinue the group. I am asking for help from the universe to be willing to let go if that is what's needed or to be given the energy to attract women who would benefit from the group.
If you or anyone you know would benefit from being part of a sacred sanctuary of women to learn and grow personally and spiritually please let me know. Call me or e-mail me. I'd love to hear from you if you want more information.Community is a great opportunity to love ourselves and be mirrored in that love.
Is there something in your life you'd like to have clarity about? Would you be willing to try this experiment? Draw a circle around yourself in the air. This circle represents your own sacred space. This space is made sacred by you giving yourself your own attention. Imagine around the outside of the circle there is your spiritual support team. It could be made up of people, mountains, beings, animals, angels, light, oceans, trees, god or gods and goddesses, etc. Imagine that you could sit quietly and ask for help and guidance from this team. They can only help us when we ask for their help. They are always there whether we are aware of them or not. They are glad to help. Let yourself be open to receiving help. It doesn't mean you are a wimp. Being vulnerable and asking for help is a sign of strength. Let yourself be strong and ask for help and guidance. See what happens. Be willing to have whatever you experience be that help. Thanks for being willing to experiment.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Asking for Help
It's been several months since I last wrote. I want to thank a kind reader for e-mailing me and asking if I was OK since I hadn't written for a while. It was just the motivation I needed to write again. It was so nice to know that someone cared about reading this blog. It's easy to believe the story I make up that noone reads this so it doesn't matter if I write or not. How much do we tell ourselves that what we do doesn't matter when it clearly does? Is there something you are wanting to do, or for that matter not wanting to do, that you are making up a story that it doesn't matter?
I have noticed that when I most need to do the things that are nourishing to me is when I least want to do those very things. It makes sense that when I feel the least deserving of support and nourishment that it is the most difficult time to seek out that comfort and support. When I am moving too fast and filled with a sense of urgency, I make up the most creative stories about how I don't have time to meditate as long as I need to be clearheaded. I also rationalize that it is much more important to spend a lot of time on my computer reading e-mails than it is to contact friends or go to yoga classes. I also convince myself that there is no time to cook and that staying up late is fun. The problem is that when I am in this speeded up place my mind is filled with chatter. That chatter is about worrying about the past and the future. When my mind is filled with chatter empty space is threatening so I listen to the radio more and avoid stillness.
I recently heard an interview with a woman who has done extensive research on mindfulness. (There are definitely some good things about listening to the radio. However using it to fill up all the space in my head isn't one of them.) Mindfulness is awareness without judgement. Mindfulness is just being present and noticing what is with acceptance. In the interview the woman said there are primarily two states of mind, mindfulness and evaluation. When we are in evaluation we are judging ourselves and others. The good news is that being mindful of the judging mind without judging ourselves for judging brings us back to just noticing. Judgement can be a perfect path to mindfulness. Does this sound like it is easier said than done? I thought so, so I added another step. I have been imagining a virtual tatoo on my right forearm that says help. It is written in cursive and is quite large. When I notice I am caught in judgement I look down at my arm and ask for help. Help is the shortest prayer there is. I am asking for help from the universe. I am asking for help from angels, masters, teachers, God, goddesses, the mountains, light and any and all available resources. I am asking for help because if left to my own devices I will do what I have always done and judge myself and others relentlessly. I am asking for help to move beyond my ego to my essence where I know we are all one. I am asking to experience the acceptance and love that is underneath my judgement.When I ask for help I take a deep breath and go into my circle and pay attention to my inner process. I see whatever is in my experience as receiving that help. I ask for help in finding gratitude for receiving the help I asked for. Help is there. We just have to be willing to ask. The resources that are there to help us can't help if we don't ask. Would you be willing to see what happens? Ask for help and see what you notice. I asked for help in moving out of my state of urgency to be able to include the things that are nourishing in my life. I am grateful for the help that i received. This week I went to two yoga classes and now I am writing this blog. Thank you for being a vehicle for me to be kind to myself. Thank you for reading this blog.
I have noticed that when I most need to do the things that are nourishing to me is when I least want to do those very things. It makes sense that when I feel the least deserving of support and nourishment that it is the most difficult time to seek out that comfort and support. When I am moving too fast and filled with a sense of urgency, I make up the most creative stories about how I don't have time to meditate as long as I need to be clearheaded. I also rationalize that it is much more important to spend a lot of time on my computer reading e-mails than it is to contact friends or go to yoga classes. I also convince myself that there is no time to cook and that staying up late is fun. The problem is that when I am in this speeded up place my mind is filled with chatter. That chatter is about worrying about the past and the future. When my mind is filled with chatter empty space is threatening so I listen to the radio more and avoid stillness.
I recently heard an interview with a woman who has done extensive research on mindfulness. (There are definitely some good things about listening to the radio. However using it to fill up all the space in my head isn't one of them.) Mindfulness is awareness without judgement. Mindfulness is just being present and noticing what is with acceptance. In the interview the woman said there are primarily two states of mind, mindfulness and evaluation. When we are in evaluation we are judging ourselves and others. The good news is that being mindful of the judging mind without judging ourselves for judging brings us back to just noticing. Judgement can be a perfect path to mindfulness. Does this sound like it is easier said than done? I thought so, so I added another step. I have been imagining a virtual tatoo on my right forearm that says help. It is written in cursive and is quite large. When I notice I am caught in judgement I look down at my arm and ask for help. Help is the shortest prayer there is. I am asking for help from the universe. I am asking for help from angels, masters, teachers, God, goddesses, the mountains, light and any and all available resources. I am asking for help because if left to my own devices I will do what I have always done and judge myself and others relentlessly. I am asking for help to move beyond my ego to my essence where I know we are all one. I am asking to experience the acceptance and love that is underneath my judgement.When I ask for help I take a deep breath and go into my circle and pay attention to my inner process. I see whatever is in my experience as receiving that help. I ask for help in finding gratitude for receiving the help I asked for. Help is there. We just have to be willing to ask. The resources that are there to help us can't help if we don't ask. Would you be willing to see what happens? Ask for help and see what you notice. I asked for help in moving out of my state of urgency to be able to include the things that are nourishing in my life. I am grateful for the help that i received. This week I went to two yoga classes and now I am writing this blog. Thank you for being a vehicle for me to be kind to myself. Thank you for reading this blog.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Tell the people you love
This week my partner is out of town. It has been a pleasure to both miss him and enjoy myself. I realize how much I depend on him for companionship and support. I am grateful to have a partner who is someone I can talk to about anything. In addition, I am blessed to have a network of wonderful women friends. I know they are there holding me in love and I don't always stay as connected as I'd like to. In the past week I've created a project of contacting many of the women who have been important to me over the years. It has been so good to catch up and reconnect. Some of the people I contacted I haven't spoken to for many months. Some of them I see regularly. I don't worry about whether I am too much for these women. I feel space for my sensitivity and intensity and peaceful equanimity.
In my meditation this week this affirmation came through, " I love myself enough to be myself. My group of women friends has encouraged me with their acceptance to be courageous enough to be myself. All of these people are people I can clear things with. That means that when there is a conflict or hurt feelings or a misunderstanding we can talk about it and work it through and resolve it. All of these people have the experience of knowing that resolving conflict can deepen intimacy.
Recently, I waited a week to clear something I was upset with a friend about. During that week I tried to talk myself out of my upset, telling myself," It was nothing, She didn't mean anything by it, I am being too sensitive." At the end of a week I received a peace quote(www.livingcompassion.org) in my inbox that said something like the definition of a friend is someone with whom you resolve conflict. Because I don't believe in coincidence, I felt grateful for the encouraging reminder in my inbox that I needed to call my friend. When I told my friend that I was upset about her comment she heard me. She had the space for me to be upset and not get defensive. Even if she had gotten defensive I think we could have noticed both of our reactivity and resolved that, at least eventually. She told me where she was coming from with her comment and I heard her. I understood what her intention was.I also understood what got triggered in me and owned that. It was a simple powerful exchange and I could feel the space it created in my heart. The memory of the upset seemed to melt away in the space of being held in love.
It reminds me of the experience of seeing an upset little child sobbing in their mother's arms. The mom isn't trying to fix the kid or make her/his experience any different. After a surprisingly few minutes the child is complete and runs off to play. My intention is to be that kind of mom for myself and allow my friends to mother me in this way. I know that when someone I care about askes me to support them I feel closer to that person. Part of letting go of my identity of being perky is to allow my friends to know when I need help and to let them support me. I also appreciated the opportunity to hear what had been going on in my friends lives and support them.
One of my yoga teachers recently died. Her husband sent out an e-mail telling her community of students and friends, "spend time with your beloveds". His heartfelt message helped inspired me to begin to contact the people I love and tell them that I do.
Let yourself enjoy the yumminess of contacting the people you care about and telling them so. To me it felt like savoring the buttery taste of a ripe avocado.
In my meditation this week this affirmation came through, " I love myself enough to be myself. My group of women friends has encouraged me with their acceptance to be courageous enough to be myself. All of these people are people I can clear things with. That means that when there is a conflict or hurt feelings or a misunderstanding we can talk about it and work it through and resolve it. All of these people have the experience of knowing that resolving conflict can deepen intimacy.
Recently, I waited a week to clear something I was upset with a friend about. During that week I tried to talk myself out of my upset, telling myself," It was nothing, She didn't mean anything by it, I am being too sensitive." At the end of a week I received a peace quote(www.livingcompassion.org) in my inbox that said something like the definition of a friend is someone with whom you resolve conflict. Because I don't believe in coincidence, I felt grateful for the encouraging reminder in my inbox that I needed to call my friend. When I told my friend that I was upset about her comment she heard me. She had the space for me to be upset and not get defensive. Even if she had gotten defensive I think we could have noticed both of our reactivity and resolved that, at least eventually. She told me where she was coming from with her comment and I heard her. I understood what her intention was.I also understood what got triggered in me and owned that. It was a simple powerful exchange and I could feel the space it created in my heart. The memory of the upset seemed to melt away in the space of being held in love.
It reminds me of the experience of seeing an upset little child sobbing in their mother's arms. The mom isn't trying to fix the kid or make her/his experience any different. After a surprisingly few minutes the child is complete and runs off to play. My intention is to be that kind of mom for myself and allow my friends to mother me in this way. I know that when someone I care about askes me to support them I feel closer to that person. Part of letting go of my identity of being perky is to allow my friends to know when I need help and to let them support me. I also appreciated the opportunity to hear what had been going on in my friends lives and support them.
One of my yoga teachers recently died. Her husband sent out an e-mail telling her community of students and friends, "spend time with your beloveds". His heartfelt message helped inspired me to begin to contact the people I love and tell them that I do.
Let yourself enjoy the yumminess of contacting the people you care about and telling them so. To me it felt like savoring the buttery taste of a ripe avocado.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Be with what is
This is a peace quote I just received from www.Livingcompassion.org. They come to my in-box every day and are quite inspirational. This quote is by Anne Frank, the thirteen year old girl who chronicled hiding from the Natzi's in her diary.
"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisiting of confusion, misery and death. I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness. I hear the ever-approaching thunder, which will destroy us, too. I can feel the suffering of millions- and yet, if I look to the heavens, I think it will come out all right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again."
This quote was so moving for me. Anne Frank was a young woman who had seen the foundation of her world crumble around her and had faced the probability of her own death. Yet she is able to focus on the vast ocean of peace and tranquility that holds us all. That vastness exists beyond and includes all of the suffering of the world. I have been asking for help from the universe or god or the sense of my own divine to be able to experience that place. Sometimes suffering seems so great that there is no room to remember we are held in Love with all of it.
Another entertaining e-mail arrived this week as if written by God. In it god was saying that she wants to be able to do her job of handling everything to the best possible outcome and have us do our parts of asking for help and letting go of all of the worrying. "Jeez," she said, "Does that sound like too much?" I have been practicing this week asking for help.
A lot of my adult life has been spent focusing on being a mom. It has been so important to me to give my daughter a sense of being loved for all of who she is. I was raised in an intemittently loving and abusive environment. I didn't know which Mom I would get as my mother switched from being caring and available to slapping me and being mean and critical. I wanted my daughter to know I was there for her and would show up for her. My role as a mother has been so much of my identity. My daughter has recently moved away.
I am in an uncomfortable and unfamiliar place. It's almost as if I don't know who I am. To be real, It isn't almost as if I don't know who I am. I don't know who I am. I'm not sure what I am doing here and my life seems to lack purpose and meaning . I can be tearful and feel flat. My energy has been low and I often feel like nothing feels right. Sometimes I can feel a giant empty hole in my belly that feels like it could swallow me up. I am very afraid and when I let myself feel the fear and breathe into it and shake and cry there is a sense of freedom that comes from embracing the emptiness. I have been a perky person most of my life. It has been important to me to appear happy to others and I have been blessed with a lot of joy. Lately though I haven't felt like I have the energy to be perky. This morning doing my breathwork I felt a sense of joy coming from deep inside of me that wasn't attached to any outside circumstance. It was spread out into my body and was more pervasive and less intense than what I have experienced. Several weeks ago I wouldn't have recognized this as joy because it didn't feel like what I thought joy was. I am redefining my world right now. Sometimes I am kicking and screaming and other times I can invite it in.
I had an experience several weeks ago with the little girl inside me which, as I look back, was the beginning of this transition. I woke up in a hotel room on the day I was to fly back after driving with my daughter to her new job. It was kind of hitting me that I was flying back alone and I was missing my daughter already. I realized how much I was enjoying the trip and I heard from the little girl inside me thast she was really having fun. I was surprised because I hadn't consciously tuned into her the whole trip. Often in the past she has been very mad at me for not paying attention to her. I vow to show up for her on a regular basis and consciously tune into her for a few days and then forget again. This time she said that I was very present during the trip and that my presense is all she has ever wanted. I took it in and cried because it was all so simple and I hadn't known it. I felt so much gratefulness that my showing up was all she ever wanted. I couldn't do it wrong as long as I was willing to be present. Then that wise little girl inside me who is really my own inner divinity said, "Be with what is. " It was loud and clear. So that is what I have been doing. I have been slowing down and resting and being with what is. Sometimes I do a breathing practice which is I say be with to myself on my in breath and what is to myself on my out breath. It is a powerful reminder that be with what is is all there is to do.
"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisiting of confusion, misery and death. I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness. I hear the ever-approaching thunder, which will destroy us, too. I can feel the suffering of millions- and yet, if I look to the heavens, I think it will come out all right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again."
This quote was so moving for me. Anne Frank was a young woman who had seen the foundation of her world crumble around her and had faced the probability of her own death. Yet she is able to focus on the vast ocean of peace and tranquility that holds us all. That vastness exists beyond and includes all of the suffering of the world. I have been asking for help from the universe or god or the sense of my own divine to be able to experience that place. Sometimes suffering seems so great that there is no room to remember we are held in Love with all of it.
Another entertaining e-mail arrived this week as if written by God. In it god was saying that she wants to be able to do her job of handling everything to the best possible outcome and have us do our parts of asking for help and letting go of all of the worrying. "Jeez," she said, "Does that sound like too much?" I have been practicing this week asking for help.
A lot of my adult life has been spent focusing on being a mom. It has been so important to me to give my daughter a sense of being loved for all of who she is. I was raised in an intemittently loving and abusive environment. I didn't know which Mom I would get as my mother switched from being caring and available to slapping me and being mean and critical. I wanted my daughter to know I was there for her and would show up for her. My role as a mother has been so much of my identity. My daughter has recently moved away.
I am in an uncomfortable and unfamiliar place. It's almost as if I don't know who I am. To be real, It isn't almost as if I don't know who I am. I don't know who I am. I'm not sure what I am doing here and my life seems to lack purpose and meaning . I can be tearful and feel flat. My energy has been low and I often feel like nothing feels right. Sometimes I can feel a giant empty hole in my belly that feels like it could swallow me up. I am very afraid and when I let myself feel the fear and breathe into it and shake and cry there is a sense of freedom that comes from embracing the emptiness. I have been a perky person most of my life. It has been important to me to appear happy to others and I have been blessed with a lot of joy. Lately though I haven't felt like I have the energy to be perky. This morning doing my breathwork I felt a sense of joy coming from deep inside of me that wasn't attached to any outside circumstance. It was spread out into my body and was more pervasive and less intense than what I have experienced. Several weeks ago I wouldn't have recognized this as joy because it didn't feel like what I thought joy was. I am redefining my world right now. Sometimes I am kicking and screaming and other times I can invite it in.
I had an experience several weeks ago with the little girl inside me which, as I look back, was the beginning of this transition. I woke up in a hotel room on the day I was to fly back after driving with my daughter to her new job. It was kind of hitting me that I was flying back alone and I was missing my daughter already. I realized how much I was enjoying the trip and I heard from the little girl inside me thast she was really having fun. I was surprised because I hadn't consciously tuned into her the whole trip. Often in the past she has been very mad at me for not paying attention to her. I vow to show up for her on a regular basis and consciously tune into her for a few days and then forget again. This time she said that I was very present during the trip and that my presense is all she has ever wanted. I took it in and cried because it was all so simple and I hadn't known it. I felt so much gratefulness that my showing up was all she ever wanted. I couldn't do it wrong as long as I was willing to be present. Then that wise little girl inside me who is really my own inner divinity said, "Be with what is. " It was loud and clear. So that is what I have been doing. I have been slowing down and resting and being with what is. Sometimes I do a breathing practice which is I say be with to myself on my in breath and what is to myself on my out breath. It is a powerful reminder that be with what is is all there is to do.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Good job, Andrea
I am aware that when I am willing to let go of something it creates the space to have it. For instance over a year ago it really upset me when I couldn't figure out how to continue writing this blog in beautiful colors. I felt like a failure. Also color is very important to me and I was really dissatisfied for a long time with plain black type. Then I let go, accepted what was true and wrote in plain black. After a while, I didn't equate it with feeling like a failure, then gradually it was only mildly annoying and then I didn't even notice anymore. Last week I changed to hotmail and let go of MSN premium and voila, the color is back.
The same is true with my partner and his weight. I want him to be fitter and I nagged and criticized and tried to control what he was eating. He got defensive (people do that when they are being attacked) and rebelled and stuffed himself with sweets. He clearly communicated to me about how offensive my behavior was and the results it was getting. I decided to back off and go against all of my early training about controling another person to create change. I remembered that my mother's nagging created my father being sarcastic or withdrawing and doing what he wanted to behind her back. Backing off and working with myself instead of following my knee jerk impulse to nag was challenging. I decided that what he put into his mouth was his business. After many months of letting go of judgement I hardly noticed what Gary was eating. When I back off of trying to micromanage his life I can focus on mine. I realized I had gained weight from sitting around eating and not exercising as much as I wanted to and took steps to take care of myself better.
After a while I noticed that of his own accord Gary was eating more healthfully and exercising more. I encouraged and supported and praised. It was so much more fun than nagging. We were getting along so much better. Then he began to see results and I encouraged and supported and praised some more. I remembered this old saying that went something like, You can hold more peas on a knife with honey than vinegar. At the time I kind of got it and now it sunk in. So all of this was inspirational to a new level of supporting and encouraging and praising myself. I am not going for big things. When I get out of bed in the morning I say to myself, "Good job, Andrea." When I am done running a short distance after my walk I say "Good job, Andrea". I am shifting noticing what is missing and making myself wrong about it, to validating what is. I can even acknowlege myself for noticing I am focusing on what's missing and making myself wrong and say, "Good job, Andrea. It's so much more fun. I am getting along with myself so much better. I am also feeling a lot of gratitude these days for the opportunity to relax and enjoy my life more.
Experiment with a phrase of encouragement with yourself. Practice it even if it feels fake. Isn't it funny how being unkind to ourselves feels more real? See what happens. So my inner critic is saying that I've written about this all before and people are tired of listening. Good job, Andrea for noticing you are focusing on what's missing and making yourself wrong. A smile comes to my face and I can feel amused about my process and compassionate about automatic pilot. Awwwwww. I am so grateful for loving awareness.
I really appreciate being able to share this all with you. Thanks for listening.
The same is true with my partner and his weight. I want him to be fitter and I nagged and criticized and tried to control what he was eating. He got defensive (people do that when they are being attacked) and rebelled and stuffed himself with sweets. He clearly communicated to me about how offensive my behavior was and the results it was getting. I decided to back off and go against all of my early training about controling another person to create change. I remembered that my mother's nagging created my father being sarcastic or withdrawing and doing what he wanted to behind her back. Backing off and working with myself instead of following my knee jerk impulse to nag was challenging. I decided that what he put into his mouth was his business. After many months of letting go of judgement I hardly noticed what Gary was eating. When I back off of trying to micromanage his life I can focus on mine. I realized I had gained weight from sitting around eating and not exercising as much as I wanted to and took steps to take care of myself better.
After a while I noticed that of his own accord Gary was eating more healthfully and exercising more. I encouraged and supported and praised. It was so much more fun than nagging. We were getting along so much better. Then he began to see results and I encouraged and supported and praised some more. I remembered this old saying that went something like, You can hold more peas on a knife with honey than vinegar. At the time I kind of got it and now it sunk in. So all of this was inspirational to a new level of supporting and encouraging and praising myself. I am not going for big things. When I get out of bed in the morning I say to myself, "Good job, Andrea." When I am done running a short distance after my walk I say "Good job, Andrea". I am shifting noticing what is missing and making myself wrong about it, to validating what is. I can even acknowlege myself for noticing I am focusing on what's missing and making myself wrong and say, "Good job, Andrea. It's so much more fun. I am getting along with myself so much better. I am also feeling a lot of gratitude these days for the opportunity to relax and enjoy my life more.
Experiment with a phrase of encouragement with yourself. Practice it even if it feels fake. Isn't it funny how being unkind to ourselves feels more real? See what happens. So my inner critic is saying that I've written about this all before and people are tired of listening. Good job, Andrea for noticing you are focusing on what's missing and making yourself wrong. A smile comes to my face and I can feel amused about my process and compassionate about automatic pilot. Awwwwww. I am so grateful for loving awareness.
I really appreciate being able to share this all with you. Thanks for listening.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Birthday Month
The month of March is my birthday month. Last year I celebrated my birthday for a week. I did something nice for myself every day. It was so much fun that this year I decided to celebrate for the entire month of March. Every day I plan at least one thing that feels nurturing in either body mind or spirit or some combination. For instance, I have practiced one hundred breaths of joy every day this month. Each day, usually in the morning I breathe 100 deep breaths through my mouth, imagining my breath beginning at the base of my spine and moving up to the crown of my head. In the beginning I would lose count and space out and it took a really long time. After a month of daily practice I can stay focused and it takes about 7 minutes. I feel energized and awake and yes, quite joyful. Some of my other treats to myself are a delicious bodywork session with singing bowls, a walk in the park, sculpting, lying on my living room floor with my face in the sun, laughing, and hanging out with dear friends. My favorite was having my daughter and son-in-law cook Gary and I a birthday meal at our house. Monnya is an inspired cook who makes gormet food that avoids all the many foods I am allergic to. I felt so loved.
I chose to spend the actual day of my birthday alone with no plans allowing myself to do whatever I wanted to all day. My intention was to be kind to myself about my choices. At one point I put my latest sculpture piece, the laughing woman, in the oven to soften her up and went to put some recycling outside and got distracted. When I came back in her arms had melted into the oven floor and there was smoke all over the kitchen. I spent almost an hour cleaning up the oven and I was able to be kind to myself. After a while it was even amusing and I was able to laugh. I became the laughing woman cleaning up the laughing woman. Hohohohohohohohohoho...
Afterwards I sculpted for two hours and felt very satisfied. I am learning to take care of myself better and be in a relationship. I have begun scultping again after almost six years of hiatus. On the day of my birthday I also did yoga, meditated and went for a lovely walk. In the evening I had planned to meet Gary and two close friends at Eldorado Yoga ashram for a yoga class and a chanting kirtan. I appreciated the opportunity to do something different than go out to dinner and to share that with people I care about so much. Gary was really sweet and made me a card and bought a cool balloon and flowers. I have been feeling moments of a heart full of gratefulness all month. In addition all of this love has brought up what isn't love and I have also felt angry and sad and scared. It seems most of my fears and doubts focus around Gary and sometimes I get very stuck. It takes a while to recognize that I have shut my heart down and need my own attention. It is so easy to get lost in the story that this relationship isn't what I want, even in my birthday month. I am getting more skillful at bringing myself back to the present moment in my circle and asking myself what I need. I know I need kindness, compassion and patience. For my birthday month I have practiced showing up for all of what I am feeling as skillfully or as unskillfully as I do.
So, would you like to adopt my practice? I encourage you to do nice things for yourself for whatever reason you come up with, or even better just because you are you. Happy birthday to me. Happy Birthday to you whenever it may be. I'm glad we were all born and get to spend this lifetime together learning and growing, crying and laughing. Love to all of you, Andrea.
I chose to spend the actual day of my birthday alone with no plans allowing myself to do whatever I wanted to all day. My intention was to be kind to myself about my choices. At one point I put my latest sculpture piece, the laughing woman, in the oven to soften her up and went to put some recycling outside and got distracted. When I came back in her arms had melted into the oven floor and there was smoke all over the kitchen. I spent almost an hour cleaning up the oven and I was able to be kind to myself. After a while it was even amusing and I was able to laugh. I became the laughing woman cleaning up the laughing woman. Hohohohohohohohohoho...
Afterwards I sculpted for two hours and felt very satisfied. I am learning to take care of myself better and be in a relationship. I have begun scultping again after almost six years of hiatus. On the day of my birthday I also did yoga, meditated and went for a lovely walk. In the evening I had planned to meet Gary and two close friends at Eldorado Yoga ashram for a yoga class and a chanting kirtan. I appreciated the opportunity to do something different than go out to dinner and to share that with people I care about so much. Gary was really sweet and made me a card and bought a cool balloon and flowers. I have been feeling moments of a heart full of gratefulness all month. In addition all of this love has brought up what isn't love and I have also felt angry and sad and scared. It seems most of my fears and doubts focus around Gary and sometimes I get very stuck. It takes a while to recognize that I have shut my heart down and need my own attention. It is so easy to get lost in the story that this relationship isn't what I want, even in my birthday month. I am getting more skillful at bringing myself back to the present moment in my circle and asking myself what I need. I know I need kindness, compassion and patience. For my birthday month I have practiced showing up for all of what I am feeling as skillfully or as unskillfully as I do.
So, would you like to adopt my practice? I encourage you to do nice things for yourself for whatever reason you come up with, or even better just because you are you. Happy birthday to me. Happy Birthday to you whenever it may be. I'm glad we were all born and get to spend this lifetime together learning and growing, crying and laughing. Love to all of you, Andrea.
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