This week my partner is out of town. It has been a pleasure to both miss him and enjoy myself. I realize how much I depend on him for companionship and support. I am grateful to have a partner who is someone I can talk to about anything. In addition, I am blessed to have a network of wonderful women friends. I know they are there holding me in love and I don't always stay as connected as I'd like to. In the past week I've created a project of contacting many of the women who have been important to me over the years. It has been so good to catch up and reconnect. Some of the people I contacted I haven't spoken to for many months. Some of them I see regularly. I don't worry about whether I am too much for these women. I feel space for my sensitivity and intensity and peaceful equanimity.
In my meditation this week this affirmation came through, " I love myself enough to be myself. My group of women friends has encouraged me with their acceptance to be courageous enough to be myself. All of these people are people I can clear things with. That means that when there is a conflict or hurt feelings or a misunderstanding we can talk about it and work it through and resolve it. All of these people have the experience of knowing that resolving conflict can deepen intimacy.
Recently, I waited a week to clear something I was upset with a friend about. During that week I tried to talk myself out of my upset, telling myself," It was nothing, She didn't mean anything by it, I am being too sensitive." At the end of a week I received a peace quote(www.livingcompassion.org) in my inbox that said something like the definition of a friend is someone with whom you resolve conflict. Because I don't believe in coincidence, I felt grateful for the encouraging reminder in my inbox that I needed to call my friend. When I told my friend that I was upset about her comment she heard me. She had the space for me to be upset and not get defensive. Even if she had gotten defensive I think we could have noticed both of our reactivity and resolved that, at least eventually. She told me where she was coming from with her comment and I heard her. I understood what her intention was.I also understood what got triggered in me and owned that. It was a simple powerful exchange and I could feel the space it created in my heart. The memory of the upset seemed to melt away in the space of being held in love.
It reminds me of the experience of seeing an upset little child sobbing in their mother's arms. The mom isn't trying to fix the kid or make her/his experience any different. After a surprisingly few minutes the child is complete and runs off to play. My intention is to be that kind of mom for myself and allow my friends to mother me in this way. I know that when someone I care about askes me to support them I feel closer to that person. Part of letting go of my identity of being perky is to allow my friends to know when I need help and to let them support me. I also appreciated the opportunity to hear what had been going on in my friends lives and support them.
One of my yoga teachers recently died. Her husband sent out an e-mail telling her community of students and friends, "spend time with your beloveds". His heartfelt message helped inspired me to begin to contact the people I love and tell them that I do.
Let yourself enjoy the yumminess of contacting the people you care about and telling them so. To me it felt like savoring the buttery taste of a ripe avocado.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Be with what is
This is a peace quote I just received from www.Livingcompassion.org. They come to my in-box every day and are quite inspirational. This quote is by Anne Frank, the thirteen year old girl who chronicled hiding from the Natzi's in her diary.
"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisiting of confusion, misery and death. I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness. I hear the ever-approaching thunder, which will destroy us, too. I can feel the suffering of millions- and yet, if I look to the heavens, I think it will come out all right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again."
This quote was so moving for me. Anne Frank was a young woman who had seen the foundation of her world crumble around her and had faced the probability of her own death. Yet she is able to focus on the vast ocean of peace and tranquility that holds us all. That vastness exists beyond and includes all of the suffering of the world. I have been asking for help from the universe or god or the sense of my own divine to be able to experience that place. Sometimes suffering seems so great that there is no room to remember we are held in Love with all of it.
Another entertaining e-mail arrived this week as if written by God. In it god was saying that she wants to be able to do her job of handling everything to the best possible outcome and have us do our parts of asking for help and letting go of all of the worrying. "Jeez," she said, "Does that sound like too much?" I have been practicing this week asking for help.
A lot of my adult life has been spent focusing on being a mom. It has been so important to me to give my daughter a sense of being loved for all of who she is. I was raised in an intemittently loving and abusive environment. I didn't know which Mom I would get as my mother switched from being caring and available to slapping me and being mean and critical. I wanted my daughter to know I was there for her and would show up for her. My role as a mother has been so much of my identity. My daughter has recently moved away.
I am in an uncomfortable and unfamiliar place. It's almost as if I don't know who I am. To be real, It isn't almost as if I don't know who I am. I don't know who I am. I'm not sure what I am doing here and my life seems to lack purpose and meaning . I can be tearful and feel flat. My energy has been low and I often feel like nothing feels right. Sometimes I can feel a giant empty hole in my belly that feels like it could swallow me up. I am very afraid and when I let myself feel the fear and breathe into it and shake and cry there is a sense of freedom that comes from embracing the emptiness. I have been a perky person most of my life. It has been important to me to appear happy to others and I have been blessed with a lot of joy. Lately though I haven't felt like I have the energy to be perky. This morning doing my breathwork I felt a sense of joy coming from deep inside of me that wasn't attached to any outside circumstance. It was spread out into my body and was more pervasive and less intense than what I have experienced. Several weeks ago I wouldn't have recognized this as joy because it didn't feel like what I thought joy was. I am redefining my world right now. Sometimes I am kicking and screaming and other times I can invite it in.
I had an experience several weeks ago with the little girl inside me which, as I look back, was the beginning of this transition. I woke up in a hotel room on the day I was to fly back after driving with my daughter to her new job. It was kind of hitting me that I was flying back alone and I was missing my daughter already. I realized how much I was enjoying the trip and I heard from the little girl inside me thast she was really having fun. I was surprised because I hadn't consciously tuned into her the whole trip. Often in the past she has been very mad at me for not paying attention to her. I vow to show up for her on a regular basis and consciously tune into her for a few days and then forget again. This time she said that I was very present during the trip and that my presense is all she has ever wanted. I took it in and cried because it was all so simple and I hadn't known it. I felt so much gratefulness that my showing up was all she ever wanted. I couldn't do it wrong as long as I was willing to be present. Then that wise little girl inside me who is really my own inner divinity said, "Be with what is. " It was loud and clear. So that is what I have been doing. I have been slowing down and resting and being with what is. Sometimes I do a breathing practice which is I say be with to myself on my in breath and what is to myself on my out breath. It is a powerful reminder that be with what is is all there is to do.
"In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisiting of confusion, misery and death. I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness. I hear the ever-approaching thunder, which will destroy us, too. I can feel the suffering of millions- and yet, if I look to the heavens, I think it will come out all right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again."
This quote was so moving for me. Anne Frank was a young woman who had seen the foundation of her world crumble around her and had faced the probability of her own death. Yet she is able to focus on the vast ocean of peace and tranquility that holds us all. That vastness exists beyond and includes all of the suffering of the world. I have been asking for help from the universe or god or the sense of my own divine to be able to experience that place. Sometimes suffering seems so great that there is no room to remember we are held in Love with all of it.
Another entertaining e-mail arrived this week as if written by God. In it god was saying that she wants to be able to do her job of handling everything to the best possible outcome and have us do our parts of asking for help and letting go of all of the worrying. "Jeez," she said, "Does that sound like too much?" I have been practicing this week asking for help.
A lot of my adult life has been spent focusing on being a mom. It has been so important to me to give my daughter a sense of being loved for all of who she is. I was raised in an intemittently loving and abusive environment. I didn't know which Mom I would get as my mother switched from being caring and available to slapping me and being mean and critical. I wanted my daughter to know I was there for her and would show up for her. My role as a mother has been so much of my identity. My daughter has recently moved away.
I am in an uncomfortable and unfamiliar place. It's almost as if I don't know who I am. To be real, It isn't almost as if I don't know who I am. I don't know who I am. I'm not sure what I am doing here and my life seems to lack purpose and meaning . I can be tearful and feel flat. My energy has been low and I often feel like nothing feels right. Sometimes I can feel a giant empty hole in my belly that feels like it could swallow me up. I am very afraid and when I let myself feel the fear and breathe into it and shake and cry there is a sense of freedom that comes from embracing the emptiness. I have been a perky person most of my life. It has been important to me to appear happy to others and I have been blessed with a lot of joy. Lately though I haven't felt like I have the energy to be perky. This morning doing my breathwork I felt a sense of joy coming from deep inside of me that wasn't attached to any outside circumstance. It was spread out into my body and was more pervasive and less intense than what I have experienced. Several weeks ago I wouldn't have recognized this as joy because it didn't feel like what I thought joy was. I am redefining my world right now. Sometimes I am kicking and screaming and other times I can invite it in.
I had an experience several weeks ago with the little girl inside me which, as I look back, was the beginning of this transition. I woke up in a hotel room on the day I was to fly back after driving with my daughter to her new job. It was kind of hitting me that I was flying back alone and I was missing my daughter already. I realized how much I was enjoying the trip and I heard from the little girl inside me thast she was really having fun. I was surprised because I hadn't consciously tuned into her the whole trip. Often in the past she has been very mad at me for not paying attention to her. I vow to show up for her on a regular basis and consciously tune into her for a few days and then forget again. This time she said that I was very present during the trip and that my presense is all she has ever wanted. I took it in and cried because it was all so simple and I hadn't known it. I felt so much gratefulness that my showing up was all she ever wanted. I couldn't do it wrong as long as I was willing to be present. Then that wise little girl inside me who is really my own inner divinity said, "Be with what is. " It was loud and clear. So that is what I have been doing. I have been slowing down and resting and being with what is. Sometimes I do a breathing practice which is I say be with to myself on my in breath and what is to myself on my out breath. It is a powerful reminder that be with what is is all there is to do.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Good job, Andrea
I am aware that when I am willing to let go of something it creates the space to have it. For instance over a year ago it really upset me when I couldn't figure out how to continue writing this blog in beautiful colors. I felt like a failure. Also color is very important to me and I was really dissatisfied for a long time with plain black type. Then I let go, accepted what was true and wrote in plain black. After a while, I didn't equate it with feeling like a failure, then gradually it was only mildly annoying and then I didn't even notice anymore. Last week I changed to hotmail and let go of MSN premium and voila, the color is back.
The same is true with my partner and his weight. I want him to be fitter and I nagged and criticized and tried to control what he was eating. He got defensive (people do that when they are being attacked) and rebelled and stuffed himself with sweets. He clearly communicated to me about how offensive my behavior was and the results it was getting. I decided to back off and go against all of my early training about controling another person to create change. I remembered that my mother's nagging created my father being sarcastic or withdrawing and doing what he wanted to behind her back. Backing off and working with myself instead of following my knee jerk impulse to nag was challenging. I decided that what he put into his mouth was his business. After many months of letting go of judgement I hardly noticed what Gary was eating. When I back off of trying to micromanage his life I can focus on mine. I realized I had gained weight from sitting around eating and not exercising as much as I wanted to and took steps to take care of myself better.
After a while I noticed that of his own accord Gary was eating more healthfully and exercising more. I encouraged and supported and praised. It was so much more fun than nagging. We were getting along so much better. Then he began to see results and I encouraged and supported and praised some more. I remembered this old saying that went something like, You can hold more peas on a knife with honey than vinegar. At the time I kind of got it and now it sunk in. So all of this was inspirational to a new level of supporting and encouraging and praising myself. I am not going for big things. When I get out of bed in the morning I say to myself, "Good job, Andrea." When I am done running a short distance after my walk I say "Good job, Andrea". I am shifting noticing what is missing and making myself wrong about it, to validating what is. I can even acknowlege myself for noticing I am focusing on what's missing and making myself wrong and say, "Good job, Andrea. It's so much more fun. I am getting along with myself so much better. I am also feeling a lot of gratitude these days for the opportunity to relax and enjoy my life more.
Experiment with a phrase of encouragement with yourself. Practice it even if it feels fake. Isn't it funny how being unkind to ourselves feels more real? See what happens. So my inner critic is saying that I've written about this all before and people are tired of listening. Good job, Andrea for noticing you are focusing on what's missing and making yourself wrong. A smile comes to my face and I can feel amused about my process and compassionate about automatic pilot. Awwwwww. I am so grateful for loving awareness.
I really appreciate being able to share this all with you. Thanks for listening.
The same is true with my partner and his weight. I want him to be fitter and I nagged and criticized and tried to control what he was eating. He got defensive (people do that when they are being attacked) and rebelled and stuffed himself with sweets. He clearly communicated to me about how offensive my behavior was and the results it was getting. I decided to back off and go against all of my early training about controling another person to create change. I remembered that my mother's nagging created my father being sarcastic or withdrawing and doing what he wanted to behind her back. Backing off and working with myself instead of following my knee jerk impulse to nag was challenging. I decided that what he put into his mouth was his business. After many months of letting go of judgement I hardly noticed what Gary was eating. When I back off of trying to micromanage his life I can focus on mine. I realized I had gained weight from sitting around eating and not exercising as much as I wanted to and took steps to take care of myself better.
After a while I noticed that of his own accord Gary was eating more healthfully and exercising more. I encouraged and supported and praised. It was so much more fun than nagging. We were getting along so much better. Then he began to see results and I encouraged and supported and praised some more. I remembered this old saying that went something like, You can hold more peas on a knife with honey than vinegar. At the time I kind of got it and now it sunk in. So all of this was inspirational to a new level of supporting and encouraging and praising myself. I am not going for big things. When I get out of bed in the morning I say to myself, "Good job, Andrea." When I am done running a short distance after my walk I say "Good job, Andrea". I am shifting noticing what is missing and making myself wrong about it, to validating what is. I can even acknowlege myself for noticing I am focusing on what's missing and making myself wrong and say, "Good job, Andrea. It's so much more fun. I am getting along with myself so much better. I am also feeling a lot of gratitude these days for the opportunity to relax and enjoy my life more.
Experiment with a phrase of encouragement with yourself. Practice it even if it feels fake. Isn't it funny how being unkind to ourselves feels more real? See what happens. So my inner critic is saying that I've written about this all before and people are tired of listening. Good job, Andrea for noticing you are focusing on what's missing and making yourself wrong. A smile comes to my face and I can feel amused about my process and compassionate about automatic pilot. Awwwwww. I am so grateful for loving awareness.
I really appreciate being able to share this all with you. Thanks for listening.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Birthday Month
The month of March is my birthday month. Last year I celebrated my birthday for a week. I did something nice for myself every day. It was so much fun that this year I decided to celebrate for the entire month of March. Every day I plan at least one thing that feels nurturing in either body mind or spirit or some combination. For instance, I have practiced one hundred breaths of joy every day this month. Each day, usually in the morning I breathe 100 deep breaths through my mouth, imagining my breath beginning at the base of my spine and moving up to the crown of my head. In the beginning I would lose count and space out and it took a really long time. After a month of daily practice I can stay focused and it takes about 7 minutes. I feel energized and awake and yes, quite joyful. Some of my other treats to myself are a delicious bodywork session with singing bowls, a walk in the park, sculpting, lying on my living room floor with my face in the sun, laughing, and hanging out with dear friends. My favorite was having my daughter and son-in-law cook Gary and I a birthday meal at our house. Monnya is an inspired cook who makes gormet food that avoids all the many foods I am allergic to. I felt so loved.
I chose to spend the actual day of my birthday alone with no plans allowing myself to do whatever I wanted to all day. My intention was to be kind to myself about my choices. At one point I put my latest sculpture piece, the laughing woman, in the oven to soften her up and went to put some recycling outside and got distracted. When I came back in her arms had melted into the oven floor and there was smoke all over the kitchen. I spent almost an hour cleaning up the oven and I was able to be kind to myself. After a while it was even amusing and I was able to laugh. I became the laughing woman cleaning up the laughing woman. Hohohohohohohohohoho...
Afterwards I sculpted for two hours and felt very satisfied. I am learning to take care of myself better and be in a relationship. I have begun scultping again after almost six years of hiatus. On the day of my birthday I also did yoga, meditated and went for a lovely walk. In the evening I had planned to meet Gary and two close friends at Eldorado Yoga ashram for a yoga class and a chanting kirtan. I appreciated the opportunity to do something different than go out to dinner and to share that with people I care about so much. Gary was really sweet and made me a card and bought a cool balloon and flowers. I have been feeling moments of a heart full of gratefulness all month. In addition all of this love has brought up what isn't love and I have also felt angry and sad and scared. It seems most of my fears and doubts focus around Gary and sometimes I get very stuck. It takes a while to recognize that I have shut my heart down and need my own attention. It is so easy to get lost in the story that this relationship isn't what I want, even in my birthday month. I am getting more skillful at bringing myself back to the present moment in my circle and asking myself what I need. I know I need kindness, compassion and patience. For my birthday month I have practiced showing up for all of what I am feeling as skillfully or as unskillfully as I do.
So, would you like to adopt my practice? I encourage you to do nice things for yourself for whatever reason you come up with, or even better just because you are you. Happy birthday to me. Happy Birthday to you whenever it may be. I'm glad we were all born and get to spend this lifetime together learning and growing, crying and laughing. Love to all of you, Andrea.
I chose to spend the actual day of my birthday alone with no plans allowing myself to do whatever I wanted to all day. My intention was to be kind to myself about my choices. At one point I put my latest sculpture piece, the laughing woman, in the oven to soften her up and went to put some recycling outside and got distracted. When I came back in her arms had melted into the oven floor and there was smoke all over the kitchen. I spent almost an hour cleaning up the oven and I was able to be kind to myself. After a while it was even amusing and I was able to laugh. I became the laughing woman cleaning up the laughing woman. Hohohohohohohohohoho...
Afterwards I sculpted for two hours and felt very satisfied. I am learning to take care of myself better and be in a relationship. I have begun scultping again after almost six years of hiatus. On the day of my birthday I also did yoga, meditated and went for a lovely walk. In the evening I had planned to meet Gary and two close friends at Eldorado Yoga ashram for a yoga class and a chanting kirtan. I appreciated the opportunity to do something different than go out to dinner and to share that with people I care about so much. Gary was really sweet and made me a card and bought a cool balloon and flowers. I have been feeling moments of a heart full of gratefulness all month. In addition all of this love has brought up what isn't love and I have also felt angry and sad and scared. It seems most of my fears and doubts focus around Gary and sometimes I get very stuck. It takes a while to recognize that I have shut my heart down and need my own attention. It is so easy to get lost in the story that this relationship isn't what I want, even in my birthday month. I am getting more skillful at bringing myself back to the present moment in my circle and asking myself what I need. I know I need kindness, compassion and patience. For my birthday month I have practiced showing up for all of what I am feeling as skillfully or as unskillfully as I do.
So, would you like to adopt my practice? I encourage you to do nice things for yourself for whatever reason you come up with, or even better just because you are you. Happy birthday to me. Happy Birthday to you whenever it may be. I'm glad we were all born and get to spend this lifetime together learning and growing, crying and laughing. Love to all of you, Andrea.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
authenticity
My mother has been at Anum Chara Home in Boulder since April. I brought her to Boulder because I wanted to be closer to her in the last phase of her life. Although the caregivers were mostly very caring, I was dissatisfied with the care she was receiving at the locked alzheimer's facility in New Mexico where my sister lives. I appreciated the holistic philosophy of anam chara and their committment to respecting elders. Anum chara means soul friend and that is the intent of the staff there. I also felt that my mom was overmedicated with anti-psychotics and I began the eight month collaboration with her Doctor and the staff at anum chara to slowly ease my Mom off of seroquil. She made the transition beautifully. For a period of about two months she became more and more alert and conscious. I even got to paint with her twice with the help of the caring art therapist. She smiled more and had more words. She recognized me and Gary and a longtime family friend. I could read to her and she could make comments about what I was reading. I spent many hours with her and felt more connected and closer than I had in years. This was intermittent of course. Sometimes she would be far away in her own world. I gave myself permission to stay a short time if I wanted to and began to be less attached to her condition when I arrived. All of my life I have wanted my mom to show up for me in a certain way. I wanted her to see me as I am and be willing to talk about feelings. She was much more into discussing the details of her daily life and was very clear with me that I was too intense and expected too much out of life. I always knew she loved me and I didn't feel like she knew me. She was there for me in many ways. She taught me the value of meaningful work and the importance of exercise. She instilled in me her strong value of helping other people. We didn't make the transition to an adult friendship that would have required us to move out of our mother-daughter roles and be real with each other. During the last eight months I have begun to realize how much I still wanted her to validate me. Even in her advanced stage of dementia when she was not at all capable of approving of me I still wanted approval. This has been a long grieving process: letting go of the mom that she was and embracing the sweeter older woman with dementia. In the process of accepting who she is now I have come to greater acceptance of who I am now. I have learned how dependant I am on outside validation to know that I am ok. I have become aware of how easy it is for me to pretzel myself into what I think others want of me. Out of being kind to myself about my habitual approval seeking patterns I have learned to rely more and more on my authentic self. The more I authentically express who I am the more OK I feel. As a child I learned to pretend to be someone I was not in order to get approval in my family. The more I pretended the less OK I felt. When we get the idea that being ourselves is threatening to others and squish all of who we are our authenticity becomes threatening to us. It becomes scary to be emotionally vulnerable because we are afraid we will be abandoned. Our ego or personality strategy tells us that if we are genuine we will get rejected. We learn to shut up and get back in the box. Listening to my intuition about what feels right to me has helped me to recognize and disengage from my personality strategy of judging and criticizing myself for being who I am. The idea that there is something wrong with me was a way to suppress my aliveness when my survival seemed to depend on suppressing. Now that my life is more about thriving than surviving it is time to let my light out in all of its glory. Being authentic is the antidote to pretense. Being willing to be present with all of who I am helps the little girl inside me to open her mouth wide and sing from her heart- letting go of whether she is too much for anyone else. How can you practice authenticity? What is a small step you could take to come out of the closet about who you are? The more you do the more ok you will feel. See what you think. Let me know what you notice. More on my mom's latest stage later. Thanks for listening.
Love to all of you,
Andrea
Love to all of you,
Andrea
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
slow down be still love yourself
This weekend I was privileged to attend a yin yoga teacher training. Yin yoga is a system to bypass the muscles taking stress and bring gentle stress to the connective tissue. The idea is to surrender deeply into mostly lying down poses for five minutes at a time. I found it to be so relaxing and nourishing. All weekend I stretched into relaxing my body. It is challenging for me to just hang out with nothing to do but breathe and be there. This is yoga for graceful aging. By the end of the weekend I felt a deep sense of peace and the sound of my soul singing Yes.
I made up this little song the words of which are slow down be still love yourself .The song is the theme song for yin yoga and has contributed to joy and stillness in my life. One of the women in the workshop said that her body can't get enough yin yoga and now I understand. My mind on the other hand, is very challenged by hanging out in a pose for five minutes doing nothing. I can think of many reasons why doing a myriad of other things would be way more productive, useful and helpful to myself and to others. Practicing yin yoga puts me up against all of my conditioning to move quickly and get the job done now. The sense of urgency I feel manifests in my body as anxiety. The internal message is, I don't have time for this! If I allow the message and the anxiety to be there and breathe into it I can feel all the times I rushed myself or was rushed by another. I was toilet trained at age one so I even rush myself on the toilet. Yin yoga has made it more obvious to me how much I push myself to have a different quicker pace than I actually want. The belief that I don't have time for this comes from the belief, there isn't enough time for me. When I act on that belief I forget things, trip over things and miss exits. Stress makes my breathing shallow and choppy and my reasoning brain is less accessable.
In the last few days being present with the urgency and bringing compassion for myself with it allows a space for stillness. Being kind to myself about rushing and giving myself permission to be with what is, allows space for slowing down. Bringing love to myself when I am anxious is a very comforting experience. I just took a break to work with a lovely client. I was writing so intently I didn't stop until the doorbell rang. I love when the creative process takes me up its its wings and flies with me. I feel so blessed in this moment. My world is so filled with love. Even though valentine's day is a hallmark holiday people are being more loving with each other. That feeds the flow of love that surrounds us, that holds us, that we are.
Happy Valentines Day. Slow down Be still Love yourself
I made up this little song the words of which are slow down be still love yourself .The song is the theme song for yin yoga and has contributed to joy and stillness in my life. One of the women in the workshop said that her body can't get enough yin yoga and now I understand. My mind on the other hand, is very challenged by hanging out in a pose for five minutes doing nothing. I can think of many reasons why doing a myriad of other things would be way more productive, useful and helpful to myself and to others. Practicing yin yoga puts me up against all of my conditioning to move quickly and get the job done now. The sense of urgency I feel manifests in my body as anxiety. The internal message is, I don't have time for this! If I allow the message and the anxiety to be there and breathe into it I can feel all the times I rushed myself or was rushed by another. I was toilet trained at age one so I even rush myself on the toilet. Yin yoga has made it more obvious to me how much I push myself to have a different quicker pace than I actually want. The belief that I don't have time for this comes from the belief, there isn't enough time for me. When I act on that belief I forget things, trip over things and miss exits. Stress makes my breathing shallow and choppy and my reasoning brain is less accessable.
In the last few days being present with the urgency and bringing compassion for myself with it allows a space for stillness. Being kind to myself about rushing and giving myself permission to be with what is, allows space for slowing down. Bringing love to myself when I am anxious is a very comforting experience. I just took a break to work with a lovely client. I was writing so intently I didn't stop until the doorbell rang. I love when the creative process takes me up its its wings and flies with me. I feel so blessed in this moment. My world is so filled with love. Even though valentine's day is a hallmark holiday people are being more loving with each other. That feeds the flow of love that surrounds us, that holds us, that we are.
Happy Valentines Day. Slow down Be still Love yourself
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Your name as a verb
Last night our chanting group Spiritsong met at my house. It is a blissful combination of shared food, deep sharing and singing. We have been meeting for several years and now meet once a season.
During the sharing one person was talking about her challenges with her adult son. I'll call him Dennis. The word that came into my mind was Dennising. What if everyone's name was a verb that meant we were being ourselves? What if all of my wonderful and horrible qualities could be expressed as Andreaing? What if all of your lovely and not so lovely qualities could be expressed as Janeing or Bobing or Harolding depending on your name. I have been using this and sharing it since last night. It takes the edge off of judgement and supports the truth that we are all just doing the best we can and just being who we are. All of it-(insert your own name as a verb where mine is) The fear, anger and grief- Andreaing. The joy, playfulness and detachment-Andreaing. The guilt,shame and envy-Andreaing. The self-love, self-acceptance and compassion-Andreaing.
What if it was all there to tteach us that it is possible to love ourselves with all of it? What if our unskillful behavior is a call for compassion? What if we have to be unskillful to activate compassion for ourselves. If we were always perfect how would we learn compassion? What if judgement is a call to come back into our circle and be with whatever is going on? So I am really getting that loving myself unconditionally means allowing myself to feel the felt sensation of whatever is going on inside me so it can be integrated. As I integrate more and more of my past unintegrated pain I experience more present moment awareness. Such a deal!
Sometimes the best teachers are the people we have the most difficulty with. I have a very difficult time with my sister. We have chosen very different defensive strategies to deal with the pain of growing up in our family. My sister chose aggression, I chose withdrawl. When I am around her aggression I shut my heart down and get small. My mother also did aggression so when my sister puffs up I regress to about four years old. I have been practicing showing up for myself in her presence. I have learned to keep my heart open and to protect myself from being emotionally vulnerable. Sometimes I am obsessively going over and over one of our interactions trying to figure out what I could have said to get her to soften and understand me. I also get very attached to being right. I am learning to pull my mind back to the present and experience the felt sensation of being misunderstood. It takes me back to being small and sad and scared. My world wasn't safe. It was hard to know when my mother would be kind and attentive and when she would be angry and mean and slapping me. It makes it hard to relax around other people. I often worry that I will do something wrong and piss them off. Lately in connecting with Andie, the little girl inside me, I am learning to be the source of my own safety. I can feel the felt sensation of being safe inside now. I am so grateful to know that safety is self-generated and no amount of outside approval or understanding will create it authentically. That doesn't mean I need to push support away. When I know I am the source of my own safety I'm not dependant on others to feel OK so it is easier to ask for help and let it in.
So my sister is the messenger of being afraid of aggresion and integrating my childhood fear. I can get the message and use our interactions to open to loving all of myself even the parts I find unacceptable. I can also create clear boundaries which I am learning to do. I can see my sister's aggression as Cyndeing. I can see her love for my Mom as Cyndeing. I can see her mastery of the material world as Cyndeing. I can see her defensiveness as Cyndeing. I can see her bossiness as Cyndeing. I can see her devotion to her dogs as Cyndeing. I can see her competence as Cyndeing. I can see that when Andreaing and Cyndeing get together sometimes it isn't pretty. And sometimes it is. Experiment with using your name as a verb and see what you notice.
During the sharing one person was talking about her challenges with her adult son. I'll call him Dennis. The word that came into my mind was Dennising. What if everyone's name was a verb that meant we were being ourselves? What if all of my wonderful and horrible qualities could be expressed as Andreaing? What if all of your lovely and not so lovely qualities could be expressed as Janeing or Bobing or Harolding depending on your name. I have been using this and sharing it since last night. It takes the edge off of judgement and supports the truth that we are all just doing the best we can and just being who we are. All of it-(insert your own name as a verb where mine is) The fear, anger and grief- Andreaing. The joy, playfulness and detachment-Andreaing. The guilt,shame and envy-Andreaing. The self-love, self-acceptance and compassion-Andreaing.
What if it was all there to tteach us that it is possible to love ourselves with all of it? What if our unskillful behavior is a call for compassion? What if we have to be unskillful to activate compassion for ourselves. If we were always perfect how would we learn compassion? What if judgement is a call to come back into our circle and be with whatever is going on? So I am really getting that loving myself unconditionally means allowing myself to feel the felt sensation of whatever is going on inside me so it can be integrated. As I integrate more and more of my past unintegrated pain I experience more present moment awareness. Such a deal!
Sometimes the best teachers are the people we have the most difficulty with. I have a very difficult time with my sister. We have chosen very different defensive strategies to deal with the pain of growing up in our family. My sister chose aggression, I chose withdrawl. When I am around her aggression I shut my heart down and get small. My mother also did aggression so when my sister puffs up I regress to about four years old. I have been practicing showing up for myself in her presence. I have learned to keep my heart open and to protect myself from being emotionally vulnerable. Sometimes I am obsessively going over and over one of our interactions trying to figure out what I could have said to get her to soften and understand me. I also get very attached to being right. I am learning to pull my mind back to the present and experience the felt sensation of being misunderstood. It takes me back to being small and sad and scared. My world wasn't safe. It was hard to know when my mother would be kind and attentive and when she would be angry and mean and slapping me. It makes it hard to relax around other people. I often worry that I will do something wrong and piss them off. Lately in connecting with Andie, the little girl inside me, I am learning to be the source of my own safety. I can feel the felt sensation of being safe inside now. I am so grateful to know that safety is self-generated and no amount of outside approval or understanding will create it authentically. That doesn't mean I need to push support away. When I know I am the source of my own safety I'm not dependant on others to feel OK so it is easier to ask for help and let it in.
So my sister is the messenger of being afraid of aggresion and integrating my childhood fear. I can get the message and use our interactions to open to loving all of myself even the parts I find unacceptable. I can also create clear boundaries which I am learning to do. I can see my sister's aggression as Cyndeing. I can see her love for my Mom as Cyndeing. I can see her mastery of the material world as Cyndeing. I can see her defensiveness as Cyndeing. I can see her bossiness as Cyndeing. I can see her devotion to her dogs as Cyndeing. I can see her competence as Cyndeing. I can see that when Andreaing and Cyndeing get together sometimes it isn't pretty. And sometimes it is. Experiment with using your name as a verb and see what you notice.
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