I have wanted to live in Boulder all of my adult life and now I do. Not only that but I live in my dream house. Our house was built as if expressly for Gary and I.
Because I tend to focus on what's missing, I have looked hard to find what is missing and haven't yet. It sure messes with that strategy. I still go to Denver on Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday to work and participate in my other activities here. I have even put, " This is my Denver counseling office on my phone message." My Denver house , although I still love and appreciate it doesn't feel like home anymore. My new house in Boulder feels like paradise. I love being up in the hills and the view is so soothing to me. The truth is that even though I feel incredibly blessed to live there, it doesn't feel like home either. It is hard for me to talk about this on my blog because I judge myself, "How can I be whining about not being at home in either of my two houses? Give me a break. Some people would give anything to have one house. What a greedy little brat you are." This is another opportunity to notice how strong my judging mind is and how unkind I can be to myself and to practice conscious kindness with myself.I can soothe myself by saying to myself, "I am here for you with what you are feeling." and go down into my body to feel the emptiness that is underneath the story. Feeling the emptiness lets me know I am moving really fast and have been disconnected from myself. I am even typing this blog really fast because I have been immersed in the sense of not having enough time since I began to live in two houses. It seems so challenging to do all I need to do in both places and to remember what I need to have when I am going from one house to another. My daughter grew up with two houses from the time her father and I split up when she was six and a half. She would leave a piece of clothing she wanted at her other house and all of her feelings of anger and grief would come tumbling out. It gives me a lot more empathy for what she went through. I also know that feeling like a place being home takes time. Maybe it takes a whole year of going through all of the events that occur in a year. Maybe feeling at home developes gradually a little at a time until one day there is a realization of a deeper sense of comfort and safety. It is an adjustment to live with Gary. I am used to only really relaxing when I am by myself. I have been noticing my rules about what I can and can't do when I am around him and bringing awareness to them. Some I am ready to challenge and some I notice and table action on them for later. I have started calling my friends and family around him and I haven't started going to yoga classes when we are together. At least I am no longer picking a fight with him to get alone time. That is progress. I am so used to us seeing each other so infrequently that I need to relax into knowing there is enough time for me to do what I want to do. That is the pervasive theme in my life right now, that I run around acting as if there isn't enough time to relax and do what I want to do. The first step is to notice the urgency and breathe into it. I paused from writing this and took three deep breaths. In the middle I looked at my clock and started to figure out if I could make juice, call Gary at his Mom's and get to my Wings group on time. This slowing down process could takes some serious work. It's not that I wasn't urgent before. It seems like the urgency division of my ego identity has run amuck. Compassion is needed. Conscious kindness would be to notice the urgency and show up for myself lovingly rather than judging myself for it. The urgency police will not help with the sense of urgency. Forgiveness and acceptance will help. I notice that accepting being overwhelmed makes life less overwhelming. I think part of this adjustment is to continue to set clear priorities about what is important to me to do and what is less important. Also having patience with myself as I adjust to my new life will be helpful. I want to remember to say woo hoo to myself each time I notice the urgency and each time I allow myself to breathe deeply, too. Writing this blog is very important and I am very grateful to have this forum to share my process and see it reflected back to me. I appreciate your reading this. I wish you all a New Year filled with conscious kindness, taking care of yourself and showing up for yourself to experience whatever is in your path.
With love,
Andrea
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Costa Rica
The weather was warm and clear in Montezuma, Costa Rica, where we were renting a lovely vacation home about a fifteen minute walk from town. We had planned to stay there a week and go to Dominical but the weather was cold and rainy there so we opted to spend our entire trip in one place. It was delicious to have almost two weeks to settle in, get comfortable and make connections with warm-hearted people. Every day we walked down the steep dirt road breathing in dust as cars, motorcycles and ATVs, passed by, often at breakneck speeds. We decided not to rent a car because it would be more of an adventure to use public transportation and to walk. Every evening after we walked on the beach and swam at beautiful waterfalls and hung out by the river we would stick out our thumbs and hitch-hike home. Neither of us had hitched for twenty years. Gary was a major hitchhiker in his younger days- hitching from Colorado to California four times. We met interesting people, got a chance to ride in the back of several trucks and had the opportunity to practice Spanish.
We met a zesty Turkish woman who opened up a vegan restaurant called Organico's. She had come to Montezuma four years before for a week long yoga retreat, fell in love with the place, and decided to come back and open up a restaurant. She never had been in the restaurant business before. The week we got there she had changed the format of her restaurant and cut back on her hours of operation and her menu selections. She began to offer her space for people to teach classes on a donation basis. That way she could support her passion for yoga and meditation and ease off on her tendencies toward work-aholism. I was in bliss. There was a different yoga or meditation class every day. I think when people offer classes on a donation basis they tend to experiment more and are often more creative. I got to lead laughter yoga,too. Gary and I had a beginning merenge lesson. It is fun to dance together, even though I have a hard time following. Learning partner dancing supports my intention to let go of control and learn to surrender. We'd both like to do more of it. Two of our friends in Boulder are Salsa devotees and we plan to get some coaching from them.
Gary had been struggling with whether to rebuild his rock cutting business. He lost all of his inventory and machinery in the fire. In Montezuma where the river meets the ocean he found beautiful rocks and reignited his rock cutting passion by bringing a few home. Every day he would sit in the river and peruse the beautiful brightly colored rocks. It was wonderful to see him so engaged and happy. I got into looking at rocks too. It felt like a treasure hunt. I don't think I ever really understood his devotion for rocks and now I do. It helped me to understand who he is because he has spent the last thirty five years cutting rocks. I know what it would be like for me not to be able to do my work because I love it so much. Now I can see Gary's love for his work much more clearly and feel so much more compassion for him for losing his whole business in the fire. Now he is excited about rebuilding his shop in our new garage and cutting rocks again. Woo hoo!
Another high point of the trip was meeting the loving and spiritually committed Canadian couple who were the caretakers of the home we were staying in. We had stimulating talks and shared many common interests and values. It is a blessing to find another couple that Gary and I both resonate with.We hope to continue nurturing our friendship by e-mail. They turned us on to the weekly organic food market. I was craving healthy greens as the only lettuce the stores had was iceberg. The veggies were fresh and plentiful and I stocked up. We had a kitchen so the second week the healthy delicious meals we were cooking got even better. The best part of the trip was having the opportunity to spend so much loving positive time with Gary. We are getting more skilled at resolving conflict and using it to get closer. I feel safer and safer being myself with him. I am grateful to have a partner I can grow with. My next step is to recommitt to being creatively expressive when we are together. I want to sing and dance and laugh and sculpt more. That is my intention for the new year.
I want to thank you for reading my blog this year. It is so important to me to share my life with you in this way. I want to wish you a holiday season of self-awareness and the willingness to be consciously kind to yourself. May we all give ourselves the gifts of acceptance and forgiveness. Thanks for sharing this wondrous adventure called life with me. Feel free to write to me and let me know how my blog is impacting you and how you are doing. Happy Holidays.
With love, Andrea
We met a zesty Turkish woman who opened up a vegan restaurant called Organico's. She had come to Montezuma four years before for a week long yoga retreat, fell in love with the place, and decided to come back and open up a restaurant. She never had been in the restaurant business before. The week we got there she had changed the format of her restaurant and cut back on her hours of operation and her menu selections. She began to offer her space for people to teach classes on a donation basis. That way she could support her passion for yoga and meditation and ease off on her tendencies toward work-aholism. I was in bliss. There was a different yoga or meditation class every day. I think when people offer classes on a donation basis they tend to experiment more and are often more creative. I got to lead laughter yoga,too. Gary and I had a beginning merenge lesson. It is fun to dance together, even though I have a hard time following. Learning partner dancing supports my intention to let go of control and learn to surrender. We'd both like to do more of it. Two of our friends in Boulder are Salsa devotees and we plan to get some coaching from them.
Gary had been struggling with whether to rebuild his rock cutting business. He lost all of his inventory and machinery in the fire. In Montezuma where the river meets the ocean he found beautiful rocks and reignited his rock cutting passion by bringing a few home. Every day he would sit in the river and peruse the beautiful brightly colored rocks. It was wonderful to see him so engaged and happy. I got into looking at rocks too. It felt like a treasure hunt. I don't think I ever really understood his devotion for rocks and now I do. It helped me to understand who he is because he has spent the last thirty five years cutting rocks. I know what it would be like for me not to be able to do my work because I love it so much. Now I can see Gary's love for his work much more clearly and feel so much more compassion for him for losing his whole business in the fire. Now he is excited about rebuilding his shop in our new garage and cutting rocks again. Woo hoo!
Another high point of the trip was meeting the loving and spiritually committed Canadian couple who were the caretakers of the home we were staying in. We had stimulating talks and shared many common interests and values. It is a blessing to find another couple that Gary and I both resonate with.We hope to continue nurturing our friendship by e-mail. They turned us on to the weekly organic food market. I was craving healthy greens as the only lettuce the stores had was iceberg. The veggies were fresh and plentiful and I stocked up. We had a kitchen so the second week the healthy delicious meals we were cooking got even better. The best part of the trip was having the opportunity to spend so much loving positive time with Gary. We are getting more skilled at resolving conflict and using it to get closer. I feel safer and safer being myself with him. I am grateful to have a partner I can grow with. My next step is to recommitt to being creatively expressive when we are together. I want to sing and dance and laugh and sculpt more. That is my intention for the new year.
I want to thank you for reading my blog this year. It is so important to me to share my life with you in this way. I want to wish you a holiday season of self-awareness and the willingness to be consciously kind to yourself. May we all give ourselves the gifts of acceptance and forgiveness. Thanks for sharing this wondrous adventure called life with me. Feel free to write to me and let me know how my blog is impacting you and how you are doing. Happy Holidays.
With love, Andrea
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Emotional vulnerability
It seems to me that emotional vulnerability creates closeness. When I am feeling distant from Gary and he tells me what he is feeling, something inside me melts. It is probably the armoring around my heart. He doesn't have to tell me what he is feeling about me or our relationship. It can be sharing his feelings in an authentic way about almost anything. He says,"I am scared about getting my teeth worked on in Costa Rica." That gets my attention and it is as if a little tunnel of connection has been created between his heart and mine. I am interested and want to know more. If he says," the weather in Costa Rica will be 70 degrees. " I take it in and nod as it passes over my attention. It would probably behoove me to listen more whole-earedly to information such as this because then I would know what the weather in Costa Rica is like and I wouldn't have had to e-mail Gary about it just now.
When I work with couples I invite them to look at sharing their feelings in a vulnerable way as an opportunity to get closer. It's hard to believe that sharing" I am feeling flat and protected."
would draw two people together. Feeling flat and protected and acting on the feeling by withdrawing and not communicating forfeits the opportunity to feel accepted for a feeling we might not be proud of. Sharing those shadow feelings which we think noone in their right mind would want to stick around with and having our partner stick around is so nourishing. Most of us were loved conditionally by our parents and learned to love ourselves conditionally also. When we share a feeling that we ourselves find unacceptable and are accepted by our partners it can heal multiple layers of the pain body. It can trigger deep grief as we experience and release all the times we were shamed for being who were really were in the past. When I shared with Gary my feelings of aversion about fat and how scared I am about being fat again he heard me. It was very different from when I told him I needed him to lose twenty pounds for me to be in relationship with him. Luckily, we both have become more skillful about taking responsibility for our own feelings and sharing them by owning them. In the height of emotion it is such a challenge to be emotionally vulnerable. When Gary wants to have sex way more than I do instead of blaming him and telling him he's like a hungry, panting dog, I take a deep breath and share that I feel inadequte and scared that there is something wrong with me. Even if I share that the whole sexual issue makes me want to run out the door in frustration, it is way more connecting than literally running out the door or figuratively leaving by dissociating or pretending to be asleep. If I share honestly about how I am feeling about having sex even if it isn't positive, I tend to feel more open hearted. Then if Gary shares how he is feeling with me, I might be much more open to being physically intimate. Emotional vulnerability can be foreplay.
When I feel safe to share my feelings it is easier to be vulnerable and that vulnerability creates emotional intimacy. Often there is a crossroads in a relationship where there is a choice about moving toward creating more safety and therefore being more vulnerable which creates more closeness, or moving away from each other because of feelings of lack of safety. Maybe sharing how unsafe it feels to be vulnerable would even be a vehicle for connection. It is vital to give each other the experience of being heard and validated. It can be so hurtful to have our vulnerability ignored or judged or met with defensiveness. It seems like sharing what each of us needs to feel safe being vulnerable and deeply listening to each other would be a good springboard. I notice when another person shares authentically from the heart and I deeply listen the energy of our connectedness comes more into my awareness. I can feel that transpersonal field that we are all a part of that joins us together as one. Sometimes that is called compassion. It seems to me that having the courage to be emotionallly vulnerable expands our ability to experience oneness. What do you think?
I will be writing again the week of December 20th when I return from my trip. Love to all of you, Andrea
When I work with couples I invite them to look at sharing their feelings in a vulnerable way as an opportunity to get closer. It's hard to believe that sharing" I am feeling flat and protected."
would draw two people together. Feeling flat and protected and acting on the feeling by withdrawing and not communicating forfeits the opportunity to feel accepted for a feeling we might not be proud of. Sharing those shadow feelings which we think noone in their right mind would want to stick around with and having our partner stick around is so nourishing. Most of us were loved conditionally by our parents and learned to love ourselves conditionally also. When we share a feeling that we ourselves find unacceptable and are accepted by our partners it can heal multiple layers of the pain body. It can trigger deep grief as we experience and release all the times we were shamed for being who were really were in the past. When I shared with Gary my feelings of aversion about fat and how scared I am about being fat again he heard me. It was very different from when I told him I needed him to lose twenty pounds for me to be in relationship with him. Luckily, we both have become more skillful about taking responsibility for our own feelings and sharing them by owning them. In the height of emotion it is such a challenge to be emotionally vulnerable. When Gary wants to have sex way more than I do instead of blaming him and telling him he's like a hungry, panting dog, I take a deep breath and share that I feel inadequte and scared that there is something wrong with me. Even if I share that the whole sexual issue makes me want to run out the door in frustration, it is way more connecting than literally running out the door or figuratively leaving by dissociating or pretending to be asleep. If I share honestly about how I am feeling about having sex even if it isn't positive, I tend to feel more open hearted. Then if Gary shares how he is feeling with me, I might be much more open to being physically intimate. Emotional vulnerability can be foreplay.
When I feel safe to share my feelings it is easier to be vulnerable and that vulnerability creates emotional intimacy. Often there is a crossroads in a relationship where there is a choice about moving toward creating more safety and therefore being more vulnerable which creates more closeness, or moving away from each other because of feelings of lack of safety. Maybe sharing how unsafe it feels to be vulnerable would even be a vehicle for connection. It is vital to give each other the experience of being heard and validated. It can be so hurtful to have our vulnerability ignored or judged or met with defensiveness. It seems like sharing what each of us needs to feel safe being vulnerable and deeply listening to each other would be a good springboard. I notice when another person shares authentically from the heart and I deeply listen the energy of our connectedness comes more into my awareness. I can feel that transpersonal field that we are all a part of that joins us together as one. Sometimes that is called compassion. It seems to me that having the courage to be emotionallly vulnerable expands our ability to experience oneness. What do you think?
I will be writing again the week of December 20th when I return from my trip. Love to all of you, Andrea
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Courage: raw and ripe
I just finished an article by Sally Klempton about courage. It was called Brave Heart. She writes the wisdom column for yoga journal and I eagerly await learning from her wisdom every month. She talked about the difference between raw courage and ripe courage. Raw courage comes from desire and zeal. It is an emotional act often involving danger that can be thought out or impulsive. Ripe courage, on the other hand, is a risk to trust in something greater than ourselves. It is a conscious act of surrender to what our inner intuition tells us is the right thing to do. Sally speaks about how courage is different for different people. To me most acts of courage are both raw and ripe. They take a leap of faith and a willingness to act in the face of fear. All acts of courage involve a risk. It might be a physical or emotional risk of doing something we wonder if we can do, pushing past our fears and doing it anyway. I sang a gospel song with all the people at my friends' Janet and Miguel's wedding. It was Love is the Healing Power. I taught it to the group and then we sang it in the honor of Janet and Miguel's love. I was scared and pushed through my fear and did it anyway. I had an intuition that it would bring the diverse group together. I shortened the length of the song because the leader of the ceremony was worried that there wouldn't be time for everyone who wanted to share. I pushed past my pattern of shrinking when I feel criticized or rushed and finished the shortened version. It felt like a worthy contribution and was heart-felt and fun. That took courage mostly raw with a little ripe.
My biggest act of courage of late is to push past my long term fear of commitment and buy a house with Gary. When bouts of terror come up I sit with them and allow myself to feel my fear. That makes space for the excitement I feel about my beautiful home in Boulder. My ego has alot to say about how I am doing it wrong. Maybe part of courage is to risk the ego's wrath in doing things that upset our own status quo. My inner guide is smiling and pleased. I am trusting in the divine energy that brought us together and surrendering to that inner knowing.
Gary and I got engaged on Saturday. We also got engaged two years ago. I lasted five days and was so filled with terror I asked to be unengaged. Luckily Gary is a very patient man who courageously trusted that our relationship was right through all of my fears and doubts. This time I am much more relaxed. I have better tools to deal with my fear. I know that a certain intense level of anxiety about my relationship with the man I love is my ego's chief distraction from my being present. I am on to the judgements that kept me suffering in ambivalence for five years. I am ready to face my fears and embrace my fiance. I really like the sound of the word fiance- it's thrilling to me. This has been a long challenging journey through my fears. This is the first time in my life when I actually have both feet in a relationship, not one out the door. Loving Gary as a fallible wonderful human being for all of who he is doesn't mean I always have to like him. I know the capacity to love and accept him as he is comes from my growing sense of self-love and self-acceptance. I have the capacity to accept a partner now. Waves of love wash over me at unexpected moments and I am bathed in gratefulness to share this level of love with another human being. It is a miracle to me, given my difficult relationship history,to be given the chance to trust in a man and to love wholeheartedly at the age of sixty. I have always wanted a spiritual partner, even before I even had the concept of using a relationship to heal the pain body by triggering it and using the healing process to get closer to God. It takes a brave heart to open up to receiving what I have always wanted. Woo Hoo! How about you?
How is your heart brave? What can you recognize in yourself about courage raw and ripe?
My biggest act of courage of late is to push past my long term fear of commitment and buy a house with Gary. When bouts of terror come up I sit with them and allow myself to feel my fear. That makes space for the excitement I feel about my beautiful home in Boulder. My ego has alot to say about how I am doing it wrong. Maybe part of courage is to risk the ego's wrath in doing things that upset our own status quo. My inner guide is smiling and pleased. I am trusting in the divine energy that brought us together and surrendering to that inner knowing.
Gary and I got engaged on Saturday. We also got engaged two years ago. I lasted five days and was so filled with terror I asked to be unengaged. Luckily Gary is a very patient man who courageously trusted that our relationship was right through all of my fears and doubts. This time I am much more relaxed. I have better tools to deal with my fear. I know that a certain intense level of anxiety about my relationship with the man I love is my ego's chief distraction from my being present. I am on to the judgements that kept me suffering in ambivalence for five years. I am ready to face my fears and embrace my fiance. I really like the sound of the word fiance- it's thrilling to me. This has been a long challenging journey through my fears. This is the first time in my life when I actually have both feet in a relationship, not one out the door. Loving Gary as a fallible wonderful human being for all of who he is doesn't mean I always have to like him. I know the capacity to love and accept him as he is comes from my growing sense of self-love and self-acceptance. I have the capacity to accept a partner now. Waves of love wash over me at unexpected moments and I am bathed in gratefulness to share this level of love with another human being. It is a miracle to me, given my difficult relationship history,to be given the chance to trust in a man and to love wholeheartedly at the age of sixty. I have always wanted a spiritual partner, even before I even had the concept of using a relationship to heal the pain body by triggering it and using the healing process to get closer to God. It takes a brave heart to open up to receiving what I have always wanted. Woo Hoo! How about you?
How is your heart brave? What can you recognize in yourself about courage raw and ripe?
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Woo Hoo
I have been thinking this week about the bar. Not the one you go to drink in but the one I set and expect myself to live up to but don't ever measure up to. This bar is set just a little higher than I can be or do. The bar is set so feeling satisfied is always just a little out of my reach. I made up the idea of this bar that I use to prove to myself that I am doing it wrong and am never quite good enough. This bar that tells me that I can't relax and enjoy my life. I have to try harder do more and be better. My conditioning helps support this bar. My parents focused on what I didn't yet accomplish or what I could-a should-a would-a done better rather than acknowledging who I was and what I had done. They didn't do it out of meanness. They didn't want me to be conceited or to have a swelled head. They wanted to prepare me for their world. They wanted to teach me to always set my bar just a little higher than I could achieve. Otherwise, I think they were afraid I would sit around and eat bonbons and expect the world to give me what I wanted. I tried to make them happy and set my bar out of my reach. I learned to look outside myself to measure my own worth and never quite measure up. I learned well. The skill-set of not quite enoughness has been finely honed over years of practice. I have learned to parent myself in the way I was parented.
However, somehow I knew there was another way. When it came to parenting my daughter Monnya I used praise and encouragement to support her in motivating herself. She has high expectations of herself and works hard to do what she wants to do and she can give herself credit for a job well-enough done.
Now it is my turn to parent myself in the way I parented and let go of how I was parented myself. I want to be a Mom to myself like I am to Monnya. Andie, my little girl inside deserves the same praise and encouragement.
I started with the thought, "What would I say to Monnya if I wanted to celebrate her? I would say "Woo-hoo!" just like she does. So my new project is to remember to say, Woo hoo to myself and acknowlwdge myself for what I feel good enough about. For instance, I allowed myself not to exersize aerobically when we were moving. I didn't die. Woo hoo! I volunteered to do a demo session and make myself vulnerable at a workshop. Woo hoo. I relaxed and made love with Gary even though I thought I didn't have time and enjoyed myself. Woo hoo! I say courageously vulnerable things on this blog. Woo hoo. When my bar reappears in its old form I can say woo hoo to myself for noticing how it feels in my body to bludgeon myself with that bar. I can decorate it with flowers and swing from it. I can take my hand over my head and imagine setting my judgements off to the side and say woo hoo to myself for doing that. I can say woo hoo for allowing myself to feel the relief in my body as my stomach relaxes. I can say woo hoo to myself for remembering to say woo hoo. What would you say to yourself to celebrate yourself? Would you be willing to start using that phrase to acknowledge yourself for who you are and what you do? Woo hoo! Woo hoo to you just for being you. Thank you for reading my blog.
However, somehow I knew there was another way. When it came to parenting my daughter Monnya I used praise and encouragement to support her in motivating herself. She has high expectations of herself and works hard to do what she wants to do and she can give herself credit for a job well-enough done.
Now it is my turn to parent myself in the way I parented and let go of how I was parented myself. I want to be a Mom to myself like I am to Monnya. Andie, my little girl inside deserves the same praise and encouragement.
I started with the thought, "What would I say to Monnya if I wanted to celebrate her? I would say "Woo-hoo!" just like she does. So my new project is to remember to say, Woo hoo to myself and acknowlwdge myself for what I feel good enough about. For instance, I allowed myself not to exersize aerobically when we were moving. I didn't die. Woo hoo! I volunteered to do a demo session and make myself vulnerable at a workshop. Woo hoo. I relaxed and made love with Gary even though I thought I didn't have time and enjoyed myself. Woo hoo! I say courageously vulnerable things on this blog. Woo hoo. When my bar reappears in its old form I can say woo hoo to myself for noticing how it feels in my body to bludgeon myself with that bar. I can decorate it with flowers and swing from it. I can take my hand over my head and imagine setting my judgements off to the side and say woo hoo to myself for doing that. I can say woo hoo for allowing myself to feel the relief in my body as my stomach relaxes. I can say woo hoo to myself for remembering to say woo hoo. What would you say to yourself to celebrate yourself? Would you be willing to start using that phrase to acknowledge yourself for who you are and what you do? Woo hoo! Woo hoo to you just for being you. Thank you for reading my blog.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Leaping
When I teach yoga I always begin my class with saying, Welcome my name is still Andrea." One of my students said I should change my name to Andrea Still.
It made me laugh because being still is often so challenging for me. It has been helpful since then to remember Andrea Still when I am moving really fast and have jumped out of my circle. Now is one of those times. I have been home nursing cold symptoms and not going out very much. It is a blessing to work at home always and especially when I am low energy and need to rest.
I did go teach yoga yesterday and was concerned about whether I would
have the energy. Fifteen people showed up and at the end it was as if I had inhaled a divine energy elixer. Chanting om with 16 mixed voices filling the room is enough to lift any spirit. I think we should rent ourselves out as a remedy for seasonal affective disorder. Today I stayed home all day and all evening and cancelled everything that wasn't happening here. It was delicious to have time to do whatever I wanted in the space left open from three cancelled plans.
I do too much and am often running from activity to activity. They are often growful and sometimes fun activities. This week has given me a chance to recommitt to slowing down before I have to get sick to do it.
One of the things I have been doing with my time is looking at engagement rings on e-bay. I think I may have a shopping addiction. When I did a search for antique white gold rings and 346 came up I blithely sailed through them all. I couldn't sleep and came down to check out some more at 5:00. The great thing, and the problem with e-bay is that they are open anytime. Gary and I are buying a house in Boulder together and we are closing on Monday. I am keeping my house as an office and will be down here to work three days a week. We are talking about getting engaged. I am so grateful to the fire for burning up all of my fears and doubts. Although I am deeply sad for Gary about his losses for me the fire was such a blessing. Now we are going into the fire of a new life together.
Am I scared? Terrified would be a better word. I have lived alone for twenty years. My daughter Monnya is the only person I have successfully lived with.
If there is a continuum that runs from terror to excitement I doing continuum dancing. I love the new house. Gary and I have looked at many many houses. He probably looked at over a hundred. Although I knew that our house, the one we both loved, had to be out there somewhere, it was hard to hold the faith sometimes. I can see now that none of the others felt right because they weren't right. And I was so scared to be in a committed relationship I was blinded by panic whenever moving in together seemed imminent. So the fire happened and I got clear that life is short and it was time to take my one foot which had been out the door and firmly plant it in the middle of my relationship with my kind, deep, annoying partner, Gary. Then the house which had been hiding its face since the evacuation from the fire stopped its showings, came to Gary's attention. I am daunted and excited about living in the foothills outside of Boulder. I used to think I was a mountain woman, but lately I have had serious doubts.
I always said I could live anywhere as long as I had one close woman friend, and a nearby health food grocery store and a yoga studio. I have all of those things and a three day a week access to my current lovely life. This transitional way of moving makes it feel doable and a safe risk. Please think of me and send me the energy of courage and honesty. I will need both. Is there a leap of faith that you have been wanting to make? What would it be like to imagine yourself leaping? What would it be like to take the first small step into the leap?
It made me laugh because being still is often so challenging for me. It has been helpful since then to remember Andrea Still when I am moving really fast and have jumped out of my circle. Now is one of those times. I have been home nursing cold symptoms and not going out very much. It is a blessing to work at home always and especially when I am low energy and need to rest.
I did go teach yoga yesterday and was concerned about whether I would
have the energy. Fifteen people showed up and at the end it was as if I had inhaled a divine energy elixer. Chanting om with 16 mixed voices filling the room is enough to lift any spirit. I think we should rent ourselves out as a remedy for seasonal affective disorder. Today I stayed home all day and all evening and cancelled everything that wasn't happening here. It was delicious to have time to do whatever I wanted in the space left open from three cancelled plans.
I do too much and am often running from activity to activity. They are often growful and sometimes fun activities. This week has given me a chance to recommitt to slowing down before I have to get sick to do it.
One of the things I have been doing with my time is looking at engagement rings on e-bay. I think I may have a shopping addiction. When I did a search for antique white gold rings and 346 came up I blithely sailed through them all. I couldn't sleep and came down to check out some more at 5:00. The great thing, and the problem with e-bay is that they are open anytime. Gary and I are buying a house in Boulder together and we are closing on Monday. I am keeping my house as an office and will be down here to work three days a week. We are talking about getting engaged. I am so grateful to the fire for burning up all of my fears and doubts. Although I am deeply sad for Gary about his losses for me the fire was such a blessing. Now we are going into the fire of a new life together.
Am I scared? Terrified would be a better word. I have lived alone for twenty years. My daughter Monnya is the only person I have successfully lived with.
If there is a continuum that runs from terror to excitement I doing continuum dancing. I love the new house. Gary and I have looked at many many houses. He probably looked at over a hundred. Although I knew that our house, the one we both loved, had to be out there somewhere, it was hard to hold the faith sometimes. I can see now that none of the others felt right because they weren't right. And I was so scared to be in a committed relationship I was blinded by panic whenever moving in together seemed imminent. So the fire happened and I got clear that life is short and it was time to take my one foot which had been out the door and firmly plant it in the middle of my relationship with my kind, deep, annoying partner, Gary. Then the house which had been hiding its face since the evacuation from the fire stopped its showings, came to Gary's attention. I am daunted and excited about living in the foothills outside of Boulder. I used to think I was a mountain woman, but lately I have had serious doubts.
I always said I could live anywhere as long as I had one close woman friend, and a nearby health food grocery store and a yoga studio. I have all of those things and a three day a week access to my current lovely life. This transitional way of moving makes it feel doable and a safe risk. Please think of me and send me the energy of courage and honesty. I will need both. Is there a leap of faith that you have been wanting to make? What would it be like to imagine yourself leaping? What would it be like to take the first small step into the leap?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Looking for love
I have returned from visiting my Mom and my sister in New Mexico. It was a very challenging and growthful trip. My mother didn't recognize me. I knew the day would come. I was prepared for it in my mind. The last time I was there it took several hours for her to recognize me. The first day I was waiting for her to remember who I was. She never did. I was very sad that first evening. I had a good cry in my car driving back to my sister's home. I called Gary for support and he listened and validated my feelings of grief. I am blessed to have a partner who can be with my pain and not try to fix me.
The second day I began to accept that my mother didn't know who I was. I would say to her, " Do you know who I am?" She would say she didn't. Then I'd say, "I am your daughter." She'd say "Really?" As I relaxed into being with her as she is, it became easier to just enjoy her company. I took her to the library and read kids books to her and to Good Will to try on clothes. My mother rarely gets to leave the place she lives in so it was fun to take her on outings. By the second day I was feeling tenderness and love for her as she is. I gave her several deeksha blessings. The third day after our outings we took a nap together which was so sweet.
I realized I have spent my whole life trying to feel loved by her in the way I want to be loved.
In the process of letting go of that happening I have had to learn to love myself from the inside. Her lack of recognition was one more layer of my letting go process. Now she couldn't even give me recognition and it was no more personal than when she couldn't accept me as I am. Her lack of acceptance wasn't because she didn't want to accept me but rather that she didn't have the skillset to open to two different truths at the same time. My solution was to accept her as she was as best I could and not to be emotionally vulnerable with her. I have learned to find other people who I feel safe to share my feelings with who love and support me as I am. With my friends I have learned how to use conflict to get closer together. When we have two different truths we can use accepting that both are true to create deeper intimacy.
I am grateful to my mom for teaching me the importance of caring about people. I was brought up to help others with time and money. It feels good to do service. She taught me that from an early age.
Earned secure attachment is accepting that the external validation we craved as children about being lovable as we are will never come from our parents. It is learning to soothe ourselves and grieve the loss. That creates space to open to loving ourselves as we are by accepting each issue we find unacceptable little by little and celebrating along the way. Developing internal validation means learning to know what our own truth is about what feels right to us and basing our actions on that truth. Accepting our mistakes and forgiving ourselves for them is also part of earned secure attachment. It means we don't have to be perfect to deserve our own love. I have looked for love in all the wrong places for most of my life. It is so satisfying to see that pattern changing. I am now making better choices and looking for love within myself , with my trusted friends and with my partner. Can you notice changes in that pattern in yourself?
The second day I began to accept that my mother didn't know who I was. I would say to her, " Do you know who I am?" She would say she didn't. Then I'd say, "I am your daughter." She'd say "Really?" As I relaxed into being with her as she is, it became easier to just enjoy her company. I took her to the library and read kids books to her and to Good Will to try on clothes. My mother rarely gets to leave the place she lives in so it was fun to take her on outings. By the second day I was feeling tenderness and love for her as she is. I gave her several deeksha blessings. The third day after our outings we took a nap together which was so sweet.
I realized I have spent my whole life trying to feel loved by her in the way I want to be loved.
In the process of letting go of that happening I have had to learn to love myself from the inside. Her lack of recognition was one more layer of my letting go process. Now she couldn't even give me recognition and it was no more personal than when she couldn't accept me as I am. Her lack of acceptance wasn't because she didn't want to accept me but rather that she didn't have the skillset to open to two different truths at the same time. My solution was to accept her as she was as best I could and not to be emotionally vulnerable with her. I have learned to find other people who I feel safe to share my feelings with who love and support me as I am. With my friends I have learned how to use conflict to get closer together. When we have two different truths we can use accepting that both are true to create deeper intimacy.
I am grateful to my mom for teaching me the importance of caring about people. I was brought up to help others with time and money. It feels good to do service. She taught me that from an early age.
Earned secure attachment is accepting that the external validation we craved as children about being lovable as we are will never come from our parents. It is learning to soothe ourselves and grieve the loss. That creates space to open to loving ourselves as we are by accepting each issue we find unacceptable little by little and celebrating along the way. Developing internal validation means learning to know what our own truth is about what feels right to us and basing our actions on that truth. Accepting our mistakes and forgiving ourselves for them is also part of earned secure attachment. It means we don't have to be perfect to deserve our own love. I have looked for love in all the wrong places for most of my life. It is so satisfying to see that pattern changing. I am now making better choices and looking for love within myself , with my trusted friends and with my partner. Can you notice changes in that pattern in yourself?
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