Missing

I am preparing to leave on my silent women's weekend vipassana meditation retreat this Friday. I have never attended a vipassana retreat that is all woman and I am really looking forward to it. I'll write about it when I return. I am hoping to quiet down inside and feel more balanced. I would like to be able to be preesent with what my experience is , whatever my experience is. It is easy for me to judge some feelings as good like happiness and joy and some as bad like fear, anger and sadness. The next step is if I am feeling the good ones it is good and I am good. When the bad ones rear their ugly heads it is bad and I am bad.
I went to a oneness blessing with my friend Ginger on Monday. Deeksha is a laying on of hands to impart the energy of oneness to the recipient. After the blessings she spoke of her teacher telling them about the importance of being with the energy of emotion rather than judging them as good or bad or themselves as good or bad for feeling them. She talked about hanging out and being with and breathing into the energy of the emotion and the sensation in the body rather than the story. It was validating for me to hear this because it is what I have been believing and intermittently practicing. For instance, when Gary was on his backpacking meditation retreat last week I really missed him. Missing him felt bad. I judged myself for being too dependant on him. In the past when I missed someone I often would distract myself by getting busy and not thinking about it and pretending I didn't feel it. This time I decided to just feel the missing even though it felt bad. As I sat with the sensation which was a tightness in my chest and stomach, it went from bitter to bitter sweet to sweet. I realized that missing Gary was a function of my love for him and my enjoyment of his company. It wasn't that I am weak and sniviling and need to get a life. I have a rich full life and was enjoying myself without him and I missed him. Even though it was still achey I imagined it was the ache of my heart breaking open and that felt expansive and joyful.
It's also possible to miss a person even though you don't want to spend time with them or think the relationship is healthy for you. It's just as important to experience that missing too. Feeling the sensations of the missing allows them to release and clarity about just why it is that you left to emerge. Missing someone isn't good or bad, it just is. Paying attention to the feelings and honoring yourself for having them leads to greater compassion for yourself.
Greater compassion for yourself is always a good thing. Is there someone or something that you miss? Would you be willing to let yourself feel it without judging the missing or yourself as being good or bad?

tuning in

I had a wonderful experience teaching yoga today. Last Wednesday I was supposed to serve on jury duty and found a substitue to teach my class. My jury number wasn't called and I didn't have to go. What a gift that was. I had the whole morning to myself and the person who I asked to sub encouraged me to still have her sub to further rest my injured wrist. I felt very supported and realized once again how good it feels to ask for help and let myself receive. My wrist loved having the extra time to rest and heal. I have been doing physical therapy and it has really helped. I have created entire yoga sequences that don't involve weight bearing on the wrists and have lots more compassion for other people's challenged parts.I haven't taken a regular yoga class or ridden my bike for over a month. That has been difficult. Difficult and well worth it because I am healing. When I broke my leg several years ago I was back in my yoga training pushing myself too hard way too soon. I was too stubborn and compulsive to give my ankle the rest it needed to heal completely. I think I am forced to rest and slow down when I need to by my body's protests. This time I have been listening. You know about the cosmic two by four. When your body wants to communicate a message to you first you get a little nudge. Maybe it will be feeling very tired or sad. If we chose to ignore the call for attention the nudge escalates. Maybe it will be a cold or a stubbed toe. If we chose to continue to blow ourselves off the ante may be upped to a cosmic toothpick like a cold or a stubbed toe or a minor fender bender. Ignoring ourselves further can result in a cosmic two by four- something quite dramatic that immediately gets our attention by forcing us to slow down. Making the time to take care of ourselves and listening to our internal process prevents this cycle. Staying in our own sacred circle and checking in with ourselves on a daily basis will not prevent uncomfortable things from happening but will sure make the odds better to live a harmonious life. Meditation and yoga are two ways to check in with yourself. I notice when I am neglecting my home practices of yoga and meditation because I am more reactive and stiffer. Practicing yoga and meditation at home regularly I can cope with lifes inevitable ups and downs more easily. Would you like to focus on giving yoursel more attention in this way? It seems to me that when I need it the most is when I have the most resistance. How about sitting or doing a few poses today? Think of it as a spiritual treat with a lot less calories than ice cream.
I used to think that restorative yoga was for wimps. It takes so much more courage to really relax and be present. After not going to a regular yoga class for a month, I went to a restorative class last weekend. Restorative as in get into a sucession of three relaxing poses supported by props and hang out for twenty minutes in each one. When the class was finished I felt as if I were in an altered state. Colors seemed more vivid and people looked beautiful. Resting is such a healing thing. I highly recommend restorative yoga to ease stress and open your heart. At harmony yoga there is a great class www.harmony-yoga.com
Today it was a joy to be back teaching my yoga class. My inner critic took a vacation to a small desert island and I really had fun. I am relying less on external validation and more basing how I feel about my teaching on the life force that flows through me. Today I allowed it to flow and it brought a vitality and playfulness to my class. I am so grateful to be teaching yoga and I invite all of you to come to my class or anyone's class. Yoga is the best way I know to connect body mind and spirit. My class is on Wednesdays at noon at Whole Yoga. www.wholeyoga.com Come and play if the spirit moves you. There are noon classes four days a week at Whole Yoga all for $5. If yoga isn't your thing what would you be willing to do to connect with your inner process? Or yet what would you be willing to not do and just be?

gratefulness

I think something is wrong with my computer. It's moving very slowly and it might not work to write this now. We'll see. I so feel at the mercy of technology sometimes. When something seems to be going wrong I try what I know and hope for the best. I guess that's always true. With relationships when something seems to be going wrong I also try what I know and hope for the best. The difference is that my tool box is much more extensive and my confidence in my experience is greater. Probably the extent to which we are effective in different areas of our lives has something to do with how much we are willing to try something and mess up. A signal just came on and told me that my computer was unprotected and asked me to push a button that said fix now to fix it. Then it said it was fixed. What if it were that easy with relationship issues? Maybe it is. When I sense that something is wrong in an important relationship it makes sense to check out my intuition. First I ask myself, "Am I projecting?"
In other words is something going on in me that needs my attention rather than it actually going on outside of me. I check that out get a yes and clear it or get a no and plan what is next. I often ask the other person for a reality check. For example," I am making up a story that you are angry with me. Is that true?" If the answer is yes I thank them for telling me and ask if they would be willing to tell me more. Then I listen as attentively and non-defensibly as I can. Then I validate that I can understand that they could feel that way. Gary is getting really good at trusting his intuitiion when he senses I am angry with him. Sometimes I feel so high maintenence that I want to work things through on my own first before I talk to him but I am not making much progress. When he asks me to share it with him it is with the understanding that we can use the resolution of the conflict to get closer. I appreciate that he is listening to his intuition and supporting me in clearing things with him. I think being willing to work on a relationship and using the relationship to grow is my most important value in a partner. He is so much more able to listen attentively and non-defensively, too. It gives me so much more space to be all of myself even the parts I would just as soon send to Siberia. Gary is a good at being able to not take things personally.
I am a good teacher for him in providing lots of things coming at him to practice not taking them personally. It is really easy for me to focus on what is missing and ignore what is there. Gratefulness is focusing on what is there.
Yesterday I felt very grateful. Gary and I went on a long hard hike to Blue Lake. I haven't done a harder hike all summer. I felt a combination of fear and excitement. It was a gorgeous day and everything was so green. I felt as if I were in emerald city. The wildflowers were more vibrant than I ever remember them being at this time of year. I am grateful for all of the moisture we have been getting. I am grateful to my body for carrying me up the mountain and down without too much discomfort. I am grateful to have a partner who has nature as his temple as I do. I am grateful for the breathtaking beauty that exists less than an hour away and for the time to go hiking on a Monday. I am grateful for the comraderie that exists between people immersing themselves in that beauty. Strangers feel free to talk to each other about the flowers and terrain. I highly recommend getting up into the mountains for a hike. It opens the heart and expands the soul. When things go wrong as they inevitabley do I have that mountain hit to reflect back on and use as an antidote to the stress and chaos of city life. My body mind and spirit all remember and smile as I am back in the meadow surrounded by purple and yellow wildflowers feeling one with all there is. Would you be willing to carve out some time for a walk in nature? It is especially important if you feel you are too busy to.

Brag

It is so good to write. Even though I am tired I always feel energized by writing this blog. Creative expression is like that. When I feel like I have no energy for a creative project I remember that it gives me energy to let my creativity flow. It is life force. Is there a creative project that you've been thinking about? What would it take to push you over the edge? Creativity can be loosely defined. It could be anything that you do that helps bring you into the present moment. Maybe it is even the opposite of addiction. I think of addiction as anything that is used habitually to distract or avoid being present. Addictions are feeling stuffers. When I want to pick my nails or eat when I'm not hungry I ask myself (when I remember to) " What am I feeling? What is it I really need?" Often it is rest. If I let myself rest when I am drained or tired that is when creative ideas are most likely to flow. When I am quiet is is more possible for my muse to speak to me about her dreams. She speaks in a quiet calm voice that can't be heard above the din of my urgency and busyness. She says," Wouldn't it be fun to sculpt now? or how about concocting some juice? or how about allowing yourself to lie in bed and daydream? Ask to know your muse and then listen for her voice? She is there waiting for you to slow down enough to be with her. Sometimes it takes time.

I went to a workshop recently where they asked us to do a brag about the person who brought us there. It was so fun to brag unabashedly. So, I have a brag to share with you. My daughter Monnya is the most creative person I know. Creativity oozes out of her pores. She and Issac had a beautiful wedding. The whole family including many exes stayed in a rented vacation home in the mountains and worked together to make the wedding happen. I thought it was a terrible idea at first. I am glad that i kept that to myself. Being together under the same roof for that long bonded us together and created a supportive community around Monnya and Issac where the feeling of love was palpable. The very heartful celebrant created a native american ceremony honoring the six directions of north, south, east, west, above and below.His words honored Monnya and Isaac's love and offered prayers for their continued growth. Important people in their lives held each of the six directions and offered blessings to Monnya and Isaac. I got to hold the pole representing the center. I felt as if from the center of myself I held the center of the community. I offered strength to everyone there and received strength back. I was aware of the energy exchange that connects us all when we are willing to let go and surrender to being present with what is. That presence brought me clarity and peace. I am deeply grateful to all of the generous people who made the wedding so moving. The celebrant sang a song about love being forever and bringing growth. We all sang the chorus. We sang through our tears. Weddings are a ritual of love that brings up many feelings. For a long time weddings brought up sadness and lonliness for me. This wedding brought up joy and wonder at my daughter and son and the depth of their commitment to each other. They are an inspiration to me.
Because they have tatooed wedding rings they didn't exchange rings. Instead Monnya represented the element of water and Isaac of fire. Gary tended the fire that heated up Issac's rock. When Issac removed the rock from the fire Monnya pored her water over it from a beautiful glass bowl. The steam that billowed up joined their energy together. Creativity was afoot. The collective muses counsel made themselves available to us. We were all blessed. I am so proud of my creative kids and their ability to be themselves whether it fits with what's expected of them by the culture or not. Thanks for listening to my brag. Do you have a brag you'd like to make about yourself or someone else. Let er rip.

attraction and aversion

Today as I left the park where I walked with my friend, I realized it was almost August. When I was growing up, summer was the happiest time in my life. My family rented a cottage on a lake for a month each summer and from the time I was 11 my only restriction was to be home for dinner at 6. That exhilarating sense of freedom merged into my love of summer after I left home and went to college. First I was a student and then a teacher. Although I worked in the summer since I was 16, things were different than the routine of the rest of the year. I looked forward to summer all year willing the other seasons to be over. Then when summer arrived I pined over how quickly it went by. When I got to August 1st I would be grieving the end of summer. After I finished graduate school and became a therapist I no longer had summers off. It was shocking at first and I felt a geat loss of my special relationship with summer.
I set the intention to open to the other seasons one at a time. I realized that living for summer kept me living in the past and the future. First I opened to the crisp newness of Spring. I started to appreciate the green growth and the cool days. I noticed the sense of rebirth in the world and within me. Next I opened to Autumn. I began to really see the gorgeous golden leaves changing and appreciate the sense of the cycles of nature as the leaves died and fell. It felt like a time of letting go of the old, shedding old skin to make way for what was to come. Winter was the hardest. It took years. I hate to be cold and on the bleaker days I felt bleaker. Appreciating winter came from learning to rest and go slower. It is called the going within time in native american stories. So I learned to take the opportunity to do quieter more creative projects that happend indoors rather than resist the cold. Taking care of myself in the winter helped to dissolve the heavy heartedness and dread I had felt.
So today when I realized it was almost August, it was with surprise to know I was open to letting go of summer. Part of coming to equinimity or balance is letting go of the strength of our attractions as well as our aversions. In order to open to being present in all of the seasons I had to let go of my exclusive attachment to summer and my aversion to the other seasons. That's what I learned this morning leaving the park. Summer isn't quite so special anymore. I can see that being really hot isn't that comfortable. I still love summer but not with the same clinging and craving. Summer had to be allowed to fall off of the pedistal I had put it on in order to let go of resisting what is. Idealizing Summer is just as much a story as criticizing and resisting the rest of the seasons. Being mindful of both my pull toward things or people and my pushing away is useful. Both inform my process of bringing myself back to the present. What do you notice about attraction and aversion in your life?
My daughter is getting married on August 1st and I am very excited. I look forward to sharing my experience with you next week.

Why meditate?

Why practice meditation? One reason is to practice building the muscle of bringing ourselves back to the present in the midst of daily life. When we take the time to sit quietly and bring our attention to our own inner process it is letting ourselves know that we matter. It is saying to ourselves," You are important enough to me that I will show up for you." Even in the midst of there being too much to do, (and there is always too much to do) taking a moment to breath and honor our own life force is beneficial. We all grow up with the myth that it's OK to rest when the work is done. As we all know from experience the work is never completely done. Something else to do always arises that needs our attention. With the intention to spend a few minutes a day sitting quietly in our own sacred space inside, we move ourselves up on our priority list. Drawing a circle around ourselves in the air is the symbol of this sacred space. It reminds us of our intention to center ourselves in the midst of whatever. Meditation practice isn't an all or nothing thing. You don't have to go to a weeklong silent meditation retreat to derive benefit. The discipline to pause and ask for help inside, or to appreciate one thing about yourself, or to breathe and rest quietly pays back in the form of less reactivity in daily life. Freedom is the capacity to pause between stimulus and response.
Any way we can support ourselves in having a moment between what comes at us in life and how we respond is useful. Pausing to notice ourselves and be mindful of what's going on inside of us gives us a moment to choose to react differently than our usual automatic conditioning. It allows us to respond differently than we've always done. Pausing gives us the option of witnessing mindfully and choosing a new option. Meditation gives us the practice of returning to the breath or to whatever is our chosen focus, no matter what arises. That practice teaches us that there is a possibility of responding in a new way in our daily life when something is overwhelming or threatening or upsetting. It gives us practice in bringing our attention inside and soothing ourselves. Saying to ourselves, "I am here for you in this moment with whatever is going on." I am writing this in honor of my own resistance to meditation. It is so easy to tell myself in the morning when I usually sit that there isn't enough time or that my time would be better spent checking my e-mail. Somehow it is scary to commit to being present and being quiet. I want to recognize that I am afraid because my learned response is to continue being a human doing and forget that I am a human being. Meditation practice supports me in knowing I am so much more than what I do. How about you?

Letting go of being right

In his teaching for the week from his book, Dancing with Life, Phillip Moffit suggests three practices of renunciation that concern our internal dialogue. The one I chose was letting go of being right. I took that intention with me on my personal retreat. I had a wonderful time being in a beautiful natural setting doing whatever I wanted to for three days. At home I rarely let myself read novels. When I do I have lots of trouble putting them down and do not want to do anything else. Growing up, I escaped from my life reading fiction. I was a voracious reader. I often stayed up late reading by the nightlight in the hallway with my legs up a chair while my family slept. One of the things I have always held onto being right about is what is worthwhile to do with my time and what is not. Even though I do read novels sometimes I usually feel guilty about the time I take to read a whole novel in a few days. On my trip I decided to give myself permission to read as much as I wanted to without guilt. I spent many many hours reading either holed up in my room or relaxing on the back porch with a breathtaking view to join me. One day I read for 6 hours. It was bliss. There is something so healing about completely losing myself in the world of a book. One book was a fantasy murder mystery about yiddish policemen. It was different than anything I have ever read. I had to let go of being right about the kinds of books I enjoy reading. The story and the characters were so well developed it allowed me to let go and enjoy myself. The other book I read was a delicious metaphysical fantasy about a soul group finding each other and creating a community. They could tell who their link or partner was by the similarity of their sound vibrations. The vibrant adventures of the elves in the story drew me into their community as if I were part of it. Near the end of my trip I soaked in the hotsprings with two people who I had pre-judged wouldn't be willing to really talk about anything I was interested in. We had a lively and depthful conversation about relationships. I came away feeling hopeful and inspired and glad that I let go of being right and didn't cancel going up to soak with them. There was another guy in the hotsprings ranting about the myth of global warming. I listened politely and then let go of being right about everyone disserving to be heard kindly. I told him I couldn't hear him very well and that I didn't really want to. I got out of the pool and was relieved to have let go of being right enough to set a clear boundary. Later I heard he was making disparaging remarks about Jews. I was so glad I had stopped before it got to that. It was also fun to let go of some of my rigidity about what I ate and when. Sometimes I had nuts and seeds and called it a meal. Sometimes I ate past my usual stopping time of 9pm. Sometimes I ate standing up. Letting go of being right sure lessens guilt. If there is no right way to do something, what is there to feel guilty about? Shoulda woulda coulda is all about being right. Where are you about being right? How does it manifest in your daily life in your relationship with yourself and with others? It has definitely been worth exploring. Next time I am going to apply letting go of being right to judgement and blame versus discernment. I'll keep you posted.