Happy New Year

Fearlessness
The inner freedom that is possible in the face of fear

I was cleaning off the door of my refrigerator this morning and found that quote tucked under the delivery schedule from my bottled water. In the last few days I have been thinking a lot about fear.
How can I include the fearful feelings I have in what I find acceptable in myself? Having fear and feeling it, although it is uncomfortable, isn't bad. It doesn't mean I am weak or that all of the work I have done on myself meant nothing.Facing fear means being willing to be present with the sensations I am having in my body. Fearlessness doesn't mean the experience of fear isn't there.
It means that in facing the fear I find freedom from the obsessive reactivity that keeps the story spinning of what could happen in the future. I notice I am afraid right now. My stomach feels tight and my breathing is shortened. I am afraid I won't express myself well enough and that I am saying the same thing over and over. As I explore deeper breathing and asking myself, "What is underneath that?" I notice the familiar core belief that I am doing it wrong.
The fear energy is that whatever I am doing I am doing it wrong.I breathe into the tightness in my chest. It is so uncomfortable to face this fear again. On top of the feeling is my ego's voice saying "Are you still working with this? Why don't you go do something important like get ready to leave the house? You know you have alot to do and you won't get it all done wallowing around feeling this AGAIN." I know this is my ego's way of helping me to avoid the experience of fear. The system got created to protect myself from fear. This ironically is also protection from facing the fear which allows it to release. The ego's voice is the fear of the fear. The most important thing for me to do is to be present with what is, whatever it is. Recognizing that, I keep writing and breathing. Taking a few moments to focus only on my breathing I can feel the tension releasing. The awareness comes to me that the fear of doing it wrong and doing it wrong are two different things. I can experience the anxiety that comes up for me without buying into making the story be true. What is doing it wrong anyway? I made it up to distract myself from being present. What is so scary about being present? To my ego it is very scary because it doesn't get to exist. The ego exists only in the past and the future. Of course it tells me I am doing it wrong, so I will stay in the story of why that is true and how that will affect me.Knowing that about my ego in this moment, I can feel compassion for the ego wanting to be in control.Bringing consciousness without judgement to my inner process allows me to be present. My ego wants me to believe we have to be separate from the source to survive. I allow myself to be present and to reconnect with my own deep sense of connection, that "I am consciousness", that is always there. This is freeing. Waiting for me is the sense that everything is going to be all right and underneath that is the sense that everything is all right, just the way it is. Fear is all right too. Fearlessness is the freedom that comes from facing fear.Is there something you are afraid of that you'd be willing to explore facing? It is very heart opening. I am grateful for the experience of writing this blog.In the year since I started writing it has supported me in growing and learning. I hope that has been true for you,too. May 2009 bring you to a deeper place of including more and more of who you are in your circle, and more fun. Happy New Year

virtual sangha

With a little openheartedness and willingness to forgive relationships can change. It is a decision about whether the relationship has enough health in it to be ressurected. My brother is home from the hospital recovering well. Things are different with us. He asked how I was doing today. I was so pleased. I am looking forward to exploring a new more reciprocal relationship with him. Thanks for all of your support.
During the holiday season I have been very challenged with my meditation practice. Often at the times I need to meditate the most is when I want to the least. Although I still sat on most days my mind was noisy and the time I spent was shorter. Last night the chanting group I am in met and my friend Val talked about the virtual sangha she had started. Sangha is a pali word for spiritual community. She wanted support from other peopple in meditating daily. She had struggled to do it on her own. She asked one friend to do it with her and then the group began to grow. People meet each morning on a free conference call and sit together for 30 minutes. She has been doing it for two months and has found that she is less reactive and more relaxed. On weekdays it is at 6:15 and on weekends it is at 8:00. You can participate in as many or as few as you want. This morning at 6:15 I joined the other people from all around the country who sit together over the phone each morning. Most of the sitting groups in the area meet in the evenings. In the winter in the evening it is cold and dark and I don't feel like going anywhere. Often I work in the evenings. This morning I could be in my robe in my own meditation room and still feel the energy joining with mine that is so supportive when sitting in a group. My day was much improved by the experience. I hope to continue. I plan to continue. I intend to continue. It is so good for me to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. I felt like I had many more hours in the day than when I stay up late and sleep until 7. If you would like to experience this virtual sangha anyone can join. E-mail me or call me and I'll give you the phone numbers. Where are you with meditation these days? Would it be useful to start a regular meditation practice or to bring renewed energy to your current practice? What would that look like?

giving without resentment

When I went to see my brother on Tuesday they were transferring him out of ICU to a regular room. I helped pushed the cart with his things on it and he walked with a walker. He is recovering very well and will be going home on December 27th. When he first arrived in his room the respiratory therapist gave him a five minute treatment during which he couldn't talk. I told him he could just listen and I would talk. After all of my upset about him not listening to me when I had my opportunity I hardly knew what to say. I told him how much I liked being listened to and how much I would appreciate him pausing and asking me how I was doing in the usual stream of his talking.I shared some of what is going on in my life. When the inhaler tube was removed he talked awhile and then said he was interested in my life and didn't realize he didn't ever ask about me. I called him today and he did ask about me. I am excited because people can and do change. I am changing, too. My heart has been softening more and more and my anger and resentment have melted away. It's a beautiful lesson that it helps me to open my heart when I give what I can without resentment. Giving freely heals the giver.
Gary and I went to his ex-wife's house for Christmas. His daughter and her family and his son were there.I give the gift of pushing through my anxiety about this arrangement so all of them can spend Christmas together. I had a pleasant time. Growing up Jewish, Christmas has often been a challenge. I feel as if I am from Neptune and all of the stressing about presents is so uncomfortable. This year I only got presents for the two grandchildren.I created a treasure hunt for them to find their presents which was very fun and allowed me private time with each child. It feels good to be creating my own rituals instead of taking on what the culture dictates. Again I gave what felt good to me without resentment.
Giving what I can without resentment is an opportunity to see what feels good from the inside rather than believing the story I tell myself about what should feel good.
In this way I use giving to strengthen my trust in my intuition. Overgiving creates resentment. Undergiving or holding back hardhearedly creates guilt. Peace comes from experimenting to find the place where there is neither guilt nor resentment.Giving freely is unmistakenly peaceful.Each time I give I get to listen to myself and all of my various voices and make a choice.Of course it is all a balancing act and a chance to experiment. The important thing is to see it as a process of moving toward peace and cut myself some slack along the way. Where are you with giving? What does thinking about how you give bring up for you?
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brother part 2

My brother Ben is recovering from open heart surgery. It went well. They had him walking around ICU the day after he emerged from the six hour process. When I went to see him he was hooked up to many machines and his mortality seemed so palpable and I felt afraid he would die before we ever really reconnect. One of my wise friends said, "Just be present with him. Let go of expecting anything." That's what I have been doing the best that I can. Gary came with me to the hospital on Saturday.It meant a lot to me to have him come with me and my brother appreciated it.When we left Ben asked us both for a hug and said he was going to start living his life differently. I really want to believe him. I have opened my heart to him. I have moved from resentment guilt and duty to concern compassion and love. I love my brother. It feels so good to me to be doing my healing work about how responsible I have felt for him and how much I distanced because of that.We both have our own distancing issues. At least we are both reaching out to each other. It's a good place to start.Having his mortality so obvious brings up my fears of aging and dying.Everyone dies of something.
All I can do is follow my spiritual philosophy: Trust in God or the universe, do my part and let go of the outcome. Breathing and embracing what is will help me to do my part. In some ways all of this illness my brother is suffering is bringing us closer together.
It's exciting to see him being presented with so dramatic a wake-up call and opening to new possibilities. I think he feels cared about by the people in his life in a deeper way.It is also forcing me to face some of my fears and own some old patterns that have kept me resentful and stuck. My brother is who he is. I care about him. For now that is enough. Is there someone in your life that you care about that you want to express that to and maybe you have held back? Happy Solstice. It's always a relief to me to be past the longest night and gaining light everyday. I love lighting candles in the darkness to ritualize opening to both the darkness and the light.Embracing both seems so much more real.I want to open to both the darkness and the light in my realtionship with my brother.

brother

As I write this my brother is in surgery in Boulder. He is having a quadruple bypass. It was supposed to be scheduled for 11am today and I just found out they didn't start until 5 tonight. I am very glad I called the hospital because now I'm not expecting it to be over anytime soon. The surgery takes from 5-10 hours. My father had a quadruple bypass also. He was 66. My brother is 56. My heart hurts. Physically it hurts because of that primordial connection that blood creates. My heart also hurst for the men in my family and how hard it is for both of them to be in touch with their hearts I hope this will help my brother to open his heart. I looked at a picture of him as a toddler today. He had so much light in his face. I know that little boy is still inside of him. My brother has been smoking marijuana daily since he was about 13. I have struggled with our relationship because he has been so self-centered. He talks compulsively and never say, "How are you?" He has pushed away most of the people who care about him. I had been communicating with him mostly through short e-mails. It was important to me to stay in some from of contact with him. When he called to say he was in the hospital with pneumonia I wanted to feel more than duty. I care about him and was holding a lot of resentment. Since that phone call I have been working with myself to open my heart so I can show up without resentment. I have talked to him on the phone regularly. When I can't listen anymore I get off the phone. Then he found out his heart was obstructed and he needed this surgery. I went to visit and we talked about how he pushes people away. I shared some of what I resented. He is starting to take some responsibility for all of his estranged relationships. He agreed to go to counseling when he gets out of the hospital.
When my Dad had this surgery it opened his heart. For six months he was emotionally available and vulnerable. It was joyous to be able to connect with him. I felt closer to him as I had always wanted to be. After about six months his heart began to shut down again. I remember feeling such a sense of loss. I am grateful that for six months my Dad let his emotions be known. Maybe my brother will have a heart-opening experience and turn his life around. I feel much more connected to him. This has been a good teaching about seeing past another's ego. I love my brother and I am glad to be in touch with that love.
I am learning to let go of my expectations and be present and show up. It seems important to know when to keep putting energy into a relationship and when it is time to back off and let go. Neither one is right or wrong. Have you had this dilema with someone in your life?
What has that been like for you? As long as we keep putting energy into our relationship with ourselves it is easier to be clear about what form of relationship to have with others.
Loving and accepting ourselves as we are means honoring that sometimes we need to set clear boundaries with others to honor and respect ourselves. If you feel like doing so, send my brother some energy for healing. His name is Ben. Thanks for listening.

Taking back the night

The people who help me to maintain my car used to own a gas station on the corner of my street. I could easily take my car in and walk home. I learned to trust them. They have taken good care of my car for the eight years I have had it. It is fourteen and still running strong. Three years ago they moved about 2 1/2 miles away. I decided to build in my exercise into the days I needed to take my car in by dropping it off and walking home and walking back after my car is done. I love using walking for transportation so the arrangement worked well. Tomorrow I have to take my car in. I wanted more exercise than I got today. I decided to drop my car off after my PSYCH-K practice group tonight at 9:30. I knew it would be very cold so I dressed in my warmest clothes and checked in with myself to make sure it really felt safe. I have always been attracted to danger so I have to be careful to be wise in choosing my adventures. I've walked at night by myself in my neighborhood before and felt mostly safe. This was a stretch beyond my immediate neighborhood. I figured I had done this walk many times and knew it well. What I didn't reckon for was all of the ice. It was a good exercise in mindfulness because I had to be very aware of where I was putting my feet. I walked briskly and paid close attention to my surroundings. It was exhilarating to be alone in the cold night. I noticed Christmas decorations in a different because I was moving so much slower than whizzing by in a car.
I didn't notice the moon or see any stars. I'm not sure if that is because it was cloudy or because I didn't notice. Walking out of my front door just now, I realized there are stars visible in the sky. I guess I was too focused on what was in front of me to look up. When we were in Mexico we spent each evening on the beach looking at the stars. It is sad to me how rarely I notice them in the city. I used to go outside and look at the moon and sometimes even howl at it. Of late I have gotten way too used to being inside. Tonight inspired me to begin to at least notice the moon. I feel a strong connection with with the moon and I call it grandmother moon. When Monnya was in India we used to both gaze at the moon and think of each other . We called it moon mail. I am home safe and sound. It'sgood to have adventures so I have something to write about. I feel as if I have taken back the night. It is mine now in a different way because I stretched out of my comfort zone. To someone else this wouldn't have been a big deal at all and another wouldn't even consider doing something like that. What we each consider an adventure is unique. Would you like to give yourself an adventure? What could it be?

Reaching out

At this time of year it is important to remember to reach out to people we feel a genuine connection with. There's lots of busyness and the pace can be faster than usual. You may be involved in holiday parties where you are around people. That can feel very lonely if you aren't giving yourself the gift of connecting with the people you love. Who do you feel comfortable enough to be yourself with? When was the last time you reached out to that person? For me, it is easy to isolate myself especially when it is cold. I am learning to call and say," I was thinking about you and wanted to connect." I love when a friend does that with me. Sometimes I talk myself out of reaching out for various reasons. "It's been too long. Why couldn't he or she pick up a phone and call me? This person is way too busy and doesn't have time for me. I am way too busy and don't have time to call." E-mail is also a viable way to connect. I would rather receive a warm e-mail than have no contact at all. When we feel separate and afraid to reach out the ego is in control. At the end of life noone ever says," I wish I would've gotten more things crossed off of my to do list. People are more often regrettful about not spending more time with people they love.
Connecting doesn't have to be around mainlining sugar. Take a walk or have tea and talk.
At this time of year when it seems there is so much to do it is most important to slow down and bring awareness within. Being single and not having family around can be very challenging during the holidays, so can having family around. The opportunity is to honor ourselves in the midst of whatever. What does reaching out to myself look like?
I just watched a movie about Louise Hay where she suggested standing in front of the mirror and looking deeply into your own eyes and saying, " I love and accept myself as I am." I have been doing it today and it really helps me to appreciate myself and feel connected. That 's where connnection starts. Try it. Using the affirmation doesn't necessarily make it feel true. It just shifts the energy toward appreciation. It feels good to me to counteract my inner critical voice with a loving one. Looking into my eyes makes me feel seen and saying the words allows me to feel heard. In that way I can be more receptive to other people reaching out to me and more apt to extend myself to others.