Colors

Today is an orange ink day. I am noticing I am drawn to yellow and orange lately and fantasizing about filling my garden with yellow and red tulips. For many years I have been focusing on spiritual work and have been most drawn to jewel tones. My house has indigo, blue, purple and green throughout,even the carpets.Chakras or energy centers in the body are different colors.Jewel tone colors represent the heart chakra(green), the throat chakra (blue), the third eye center(indigo or purple) and the crown chakra( violet). These chakras represent such issues as relationships and love, speaking your truth and connecting with spirit. Lately I have begun to inhabit my body in a deeper way. Being in my level 2 yoga teacher training which is focusing on the hips and the pelvis is bringing up all sorts of stuff about what my body can and can't do. It is helping me to learn to accept my body as it is even when there is a huge temptation to compare myself to others. Focusing on accepting and loving my body draws me to the warmer colors.Red, orange and yellow are the colors of the three lower chakras. I am learning that they aren't lower because they are lesser. They are lower because the centers in the body are the base of the spine (red), the genital center(orange) and the abdomen(yellow). They represent issues about survival, sexuality, creativity, etc. These energy centers support us in being grounded in the world in a vital way.Writing this,I remember that when I was in my twenties my favorite color was orange. I had an orange down jacket and an orange V.W. bug.In college I painted my bedroom in my first apartment primary orange. Not exactly soothing,no wonder I had trouble sleeping.I guess this color thing has gone full circle. In my thirties I hated orange. It was my least favorite color. I have come back to my body with the spiritual awareness borne of thirty years of meditation.
I notice I am doing my yoga poses in a much more mindful way- learning to focus on my breath and be present-not just go through the motions. Doing yoga I feel my body, my breath and my mind uniting.Practicing yoga is the way I learn that I am a spiritual being in a human body. All of the colors of the chakras can come together and create rainbows. That is the joy of yoga.
I am excited about teaching my new class starting on Wednesday May 14th from 12 to one at Whole Yoga at 1735 E. 17th Ave. http://www.wholeyoga.com/ It is an all levels, drop in class. Beginners and non-pretzels are very welcome. Please come and tell your friends. I would love to share my passion for yoga with you.Together we can celebrate our rainbows.
So what about you and colors? What colors are you drawn to? How has that changed over the years? On these beautiful spring days with budding trees and flowers be especially aware of the color of things. Experiment with breathing the experience of color into your body.

Boundaries

Wow, I haven't written since Friday. I thought I had written on Saturday and my goal is to write every other day. When I was eating breakfast and thinking it seemed like a really long time since I wrote, I realized it had been. When I don't write I miss writing. Also it feels good to set an intention to write every other day and follow through. In addition there must be a built in forgiveness clause for when I don't do what I say I want to. Not following an intention can be a conscious choice. When I was writing every day and it became apparent that I was writing every other day I had a choice. Beat up on myself or change my intention. Maybe it is time to change my intention to say that I will write every other day as best I can. Is it kosher to put as best I can into an intention? Does that let me off the hook from following through with anything? I don't think so. It just builds in a little compassion. For instance, I have a 24 hour cancellation policy in my counseling practice which I wave for extenuating circumstances. It seems important to have clear boundaries and to have these boundaries allow for flexibility. Rigid boundaries are walls. If the flexibility comes from my intuition about honoring the boundary and being present with what feels right to me, it is a true boundary not some fixed rigid rule I have made for myself to follow. What is the difference between a boundary and a wall? When I draw my circle around myself it is a symbol of a boundary which protects me from the inside so I can keep my heart open. It is a marking of my own sacred space within which I honor myself first. That keeps me from erecting a wall to protect myself from other people by shutting my heart down to do it. Walls are impermeable to love. Boundaries let love in.
Yesterday in my singing group Spirit Song there were three of us chanting in my backyard. I was somewhat self-conscious wondering what my neighbors were thinking of me. I kept checking in with myself to see if it felt O.K. or we needed to go inside instead. My wall of fear about what other people think of me, that keeps me from being myself in the world, was yapping at me. "They are going to think you are crazy." "That may be true," I said to that voice. And it feels really good to be marinating in love and sending it out to my neighborhood." The boundary of my circle lets me know I am one with other people even though there is a clear line between where I end and they begin. Walls separate me and make my fear real. Even the two barking dogs in my back yard were quiet while we were singing. I think they felt the energy too.
In your life how do you use your circle? Can you see the difference between a boundary and a wall?

Rushing and the Muse

I feel so rushed. It seems there is so much to do. When I am rushing it is hard to be mindful of my choices. Taking this time to write seems really challenging because so many other things are calling for my attention. I know, however, that I will feel better after I write this. Partly I will feel better because focusing on the creative process brings me into the present where there is no rush. If I draw my circle around myself (I just did)
and concentrate on writing this all of my thoughts about rushing to the next thing have no room. When I focus on my fingers on the keys typing this and interrrupt my judgemental thoughts I can be in the flow. When I let myself be distracted by my thoughts of the future, the flow of my typing leaves and I start to make mistakes. It makes sense that indulging the extraneous thoughts that pull me away from my center, creates an obstacle to being in the creative process of writing this blog. The energy of rushing myself to finish
writing this makes writing so much more difficult. Rushing actually slows me down. I kindof of knew that that was true because when I am rushing I trip over things and break things and forget things and miss exits on the highway. The energy of urgency makes life less enjoyable because I am not experiencing what I am doing when I am doing it. It is cool to be in the actual experience of how rushing makes me tense and anxious and actually less productive and efficient. I breathe slow deep breaths and bring myself back from the sense of urgency. Rushing breath is short and choppy and shallow. As I breathe I feel my body relaxing. I can be here and let the writing flow out of me rather than forcing myself to think of something to write about and then censoring it as being stupid.
I feel the joy of being here writing, moving through my body. I write because writing teaches me to be in the experience of writing. Being is so healing in a world of Doing. I am grateful to my creative muse for always being there patiently waiting in the wings for me to take the time to move out of my own way and let her send the words from my mind through my hands. Thank you for the opportunity to write this blog. Thank you for reading this blog. What happens when you move out of the sense of urgency? What's it like to connect with your muse? Your muse may be waiting for you to take the time to slow down, breathe deeply, ask to connect with her and listen.

beyond the story

I walked to the bank today to make a deposit. It is very satisfying to do my errands on foot. As I walked I was starting to obsess and I realized that the content didn't matter. Whatever story my mind was weaving was bringing me out of the present. I could use it as a vehicle to come back no matter what it is.

I can even be grateful for my worries if I can see them as a signpost that I have wandered away from my center. Then I can draw my circle around myself and breathe into my body and bring myself back. When I want to pick my nails I can notice wanting to pick my nails and bring myself back to the sensation in my body. I have been practicing today. When I want to pick my nails or eat when I'm not hungry I am anxious. If I can embrace the anxiety and be with myself with it, it is possible to interrupt the behaior before it happens. It is empowering to show up for myself and see these behaviors as a strategy to avoid being present with what is. They keep me from experiencing and releasing and moving through it. My ego tells me that whatever is in my experience is too scary to feel or it won't do any good anyway or that I am weak for feeling it in the first place. There is a world of difference between bullying myself to"Get over it" and compassionately bringing my attention to myself saying, "I understand that you could feel this way. I care about you or I care about your suffering." Bringing my breath to whatever I am experiencing and moving down from my head to my body allows me to be present with what is. I am learning I can use anything that comes up to return myself to the present. I don't even have to criticize myself for thinking what I am thinking,"You're thinking THAT again". Even if I do I can use the criticism of my thoughts to bring myself to my breath. I learned some strategies to avoid being present. Then I learned some stories about those strategies and some core beliefs to keep them in place. In my circle breathing into my body right here and right now, I remember who I am beyond all of that. With it I forgive myself for not remembering. I am learning to recognize when I am calling for my own attention and actually giving myself the attention I am calling for. I remember a quote by Eda LeShan that I used in my book. "The little girl inside me just wanted to be loved, to be held to be listened to. I gave her food instead." What do you give yourself when what you want is your own attention? When could you take a moment to draw your circle around yourself, create a boundary for you to be with you and give yourself that attention. I am going to stop writing now and go hang out on my living room floor in my circle.

Aging

What to write about? Sometimes it is good to see what comes even when I have no idea what to say. Today was a gorgeous spring day and I got to walk for two hours with a dear friend. It is such an expansive experience to be with a person who I can be honest with and free to express myself as I am. We talked about many things both mundane and sacred. At the end of our walk we began to talk about aging and what a challenge it is to age gracefully in our culture. That was also one of the topics we shared about in the women's spiritual support group that I facilitate. In the past in this country older women were diminished. Our sphere of influence was narrowed and we were taken less seriously. Now more and more powerful aging women who have found their voices are available as role models. As we age we can know that beauty ages also. We can see beyond our wrinkles to the radiance that shines through our faces. We can know that our definition of a lovely body needs to include flesh that has seen decades of experience and exercise. Being a crone means there is much richness to share with others, born of the challenges, suffering and triumphs of a lifetime. Aging is an opportunity to become bitter about the inevitable deterioration of the physical body or to develop compassion and acceptance for what is. Though it is disconcerting to have my body and energy level changing I feel more content with myself and less driven. Maybe that is one of the possible benefits of aging: that it is easier to accept what is, as good enough and not be always looking ahead for what will make me happy. It's clearer to me that This is it, not what will come tomorrow, if I only try harder. I have mixed feeling about the silver streaks in my hair. Sometimes I think they are pretty and sometimes I use them to feel scared about how quickly my life is moving and that I will miss out somehow. I want to ask myself what I would regret not doing if I didn't do it and prioritize the important things in my choices. I want to open to my fear and sadness and joy about aging. What does it mean to age gracefully? What do you notice about the aging process? How do you resist it? How could you open to its challenges and its gifts?

I can

Yesterday was a big contrast to Friday. In my five hours of yoga teacher training I felt engaged and excited and strong. My passion for yoga had returned. Rather it was always there and I returned to it. There were still many asanas that I'm not flexible enough to do. It was easier to accept myself and my body and be loving with myself. I honored my body's recovery process from my operatiion. When I am caught up in the "I can't" pattern everything feels awful. I feel grateful that I realized what was going on after only several miserable hours. Yesterday in the training other trainees also shared their struggles. This level of training is extremely challenging physically and emotionally. It is focused on the hips and pelvis and doing lots of difficult hip opening poses is bringing up strong emotion for some of us. I am glad to be taking this training in an atmosphere where it is safe to talk about feelings. It's good to embrace the ebbs and flows in this training and in life. "This too will pass" is always true. I ask to be able to remember that sooner and sooner.
Last night Gary and I went to see my daughter Monnya perform. She is an aerial dancer and was performing in a bellydancing festival. Monnya flies across the air with such grace and skill it takes my breathe away. I am so impressed with the fruits of all of her years of practice. She is beginning to support herself with her artform and I am so proud of her. She has always been willing to practice long hours and take great physical risks to perfect herself as an artist. This creative performance was a new act and a new costume and new music. She has matured in her performing. I think it was dazzling. She is an inspiration to me to push myself to my edge beyond comfort. Maybe it will help me to think of her when I am caught up in "I can't". Maybe it would be good to remember a time when I clearly felt," I can. " I climbed a fourteener by myself about ten years ago and when I got to the top I exclaimed, "This is for me." It was a clear "I can" moment. Do you remember an "I can" moment. Remember back to it. Let yourself reexperience it as if you were there again. Notice all of your senses. Breathe it into your body. Let's practice reimagining this" I can" moment in order to have it under our belts to use as inspiration when needed. Let me know if it is helpful.

I Can't

This afternoon I got to see the contrast of not being in the flow. I went to an intermediate yoga class that is part of my yoga teacher training. I had no business participating with my neck being so recently operated on. I stubbornly attempted to do several difficult poses. The instructor's voice was too quiet for me to hear and after I asked her to speak up twice I resorted to craning my neck to see what she was doing. My neck wasn't at all pleased with this and soon I felt nauseous and dizzy.At that point I had the good sense to go into a resting pose. I felt very discouraged and spiraled down into this all too familiar place I call "I can't". It goes like this:
I can't do these poses, what am I doing in this program? I can't teach these poses because I can't even do them. What is the matter with me? What was I thinking? This is a wrong choice. Maybe I shouldn't be teaching yoga at all. I can't really teach yoga anyway........ Etc.This "I can't"pattern can carry me deeply into negativity. Just writing it out is helpful. I can see that the content of the pattern varies and the purpose is to let myself know there is something wrong with me. After class I felt very discouraged. I took myself out for some food and overate to stuff my suffering. It helped momentarily but soon reinforced the pattern. When I got home I went for a walk telling myself the story of what I would say to the head of the yoga training tomorrow and fantasizing about quitting the program and not teaching yoga anymore. I did notice the beautiful evening and take a moment to be quiet and say my water prayer by the stream. Being in nature is a good antidote to the pattern. I said to myself, I can understand that you feel this way and I care about your suffering. That helped too.I breathed into how sad I felt and allowed it to be there.I could feel the sadness underneath the I can't pattern beginning to lift. When I got home from my walk I lay down on the floor and read my favorite magazine, The Sun, and didn't make myself do anything I didn't want to.Gary called and I told him how I was feeling. He listened and didn't try to fix me and then appreciated things about me. By then I felt relaxed and ready to enjoy the rest of the evening.I am grateful for the flow. It is always there even when I choose to go against it. Going against the flow gives me an opportunity to return to the flow. My "I Can't" pattern is a vehicle to return to the flow if I can be mindful of it and have compassion for myself.Do you have a pattern that you use to convince yourself you suck? What might it be? Would you be willing to use mindfulness and compassion the next time you notice yourself caught up in it?