One-up one-down same-as revisited

Hi everyone. March is my birthday month. I celebrate all month by doing nice things for myself. On the first I met with a dear friend and a counselor to clear up an imbalance in our relationship. It was a great way to start my birthday month. I had been making myself small around her (going one-down). She had been telling me what to do and judging me (going one-up) In the session we both spoke our truth and cleared everything in the way of both being in our power. (Same-as) Getting small means being quiet and afraid and shrinking myself or pretzeling myself to be what I think the other person wants me to be to be loved. (One-down) Puffing up means getting loud and aggressive and acting as if I know better than the other person what they need to change to be OK. (One-up) In this relationship I  mostly went one-down and she mostly went one-up.
I am grateful for my friend's willingness to use our conflict to get closer. I am grateful for my willingness to use our conflict to get closer. We walked today and we could both tell the difference in our safety with each other. I felt clearer about asking for what I wanted in a kind, firm way and she was accepting and supportive. We both felt freer to be more authentic. In the midst of our old dynamic we loved each other very much. Now there is more space for that love to be fully experienced and expressed.

Gary and I are in Couples counseling. We saw our skillful counselor this week . Although it was a difficult session we came out of it very hopeful. In that relationship I mostly go one-up and he mostly goes one-down. I act like I know what he needs to change to be OK and get critical and judgemental. He gets small and withdraws and doesn't speak his truth and  doesn't ask for what he wants. We are learning to come to same-as, too. The more Gary shares what he is feeling in a kind, authentic way the more met I feel and the less I criticize. Even though a lot of what he is sharing are fears and doubts about our relationship, I trust him more and respect him more because I know more about what he is really feeling. I feel less need to puff up and therapize him. Coming to same-as benefits both people. In an equal peer relationship both people have more room to express all of who they are, even if they think that might be unpopular with the other person. There is more room for there to be two different truths in the space and for both to be honored as valid. Neither person has to change the other's opinion because there is same-as for both truths. Neither has to be right or wrong. Same-as is honoring the other person for being different than I am with a shared humanity. Same-as is accepting anothers' differences as a path to growth. Same-as is permission to explore unacceptable parts of ourselves and to have curiosity brought to those parts. Same-as means being close is more important than being right.
I am grateful to be part of a working couples' relationship where both of us support the other's growth. After couples counseling we went to dinner and a lovely classical concert. All of it was a further celebration of my birthday month. I look forward to all the ways I can be creative about loving myself this month.
Check out one-up, one-down and same-as in your own relationships. Also consider celebrating your birthday for a month. It is a sweet present.

The five love languages revisited

 People show love and feel loved in many different ways.  Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages named the five love languages as: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality time, Acts of service and Receiving gifts. He has a great little quiz on his website to determine how each person's love languages are ranked in importance.
Love languages are a very helpful relationship tool. Once we know how we feel loved it is easier to clearly ask for what we want and know that what we want is OK. It is also easier to understand that our consciencious efforts to let another know we love them may not be received as we mean them to be.
A brief description of each love language follows.
Physical touch
 The person to whom this is their main language loves to be touched hugged cuddled massaged and stroked. They will probably be a very touchy person themselves. They like to hold hands, have an arm put around them and sit close together. Experiencing physical touch and closeness they feel special and loved.
Words of Affirmation
This person wants to be verbally appreciated and complemented. They want to hear about their attractiveness, have their accomplishments encouraged and acknowledged and be validated for their ideas and passions. If the person who has this as their first love language is verbally affirmed they feel loved.
Quality Time
The person who has quality time as their first love language wants to have undivided attention. Their bliss comes from having the undistracted presence of a loved one. The activity being done is not as important as sharing it with another in a focused way. Multi tasking while talking or being with this person can feel hurtful.
Acts of service
The person who has this as their first love language values things being done for them. They feel loved by receiving help with household tasks. They love it when a loved one does something for them without being asked. They feel especially special when the act of service is something the other person would rather not do and does it anyway.
Gifts
The person who has this love language  values gifts large and small as an experience of being loved. They aren't necessarily materialistic. Thoughtful hand made gifts would be of great value. Forgetting a special occasion would be hurtful to this person and a personal gift would light this person up.
 Let's say my main love language is words of affirmation. I will probably tell my partner I love him and spend a lot of energy saying what I appreciate about him. . Because that is how I feel loved I will express my love in those ways. Let's say his top love language  is acts of service. He will do things for me to show his love. He will do research about things I plan to purchase and shovel the walk before I get home. Both of us are very clearly expressing our love for each other in ways that the other person doesn't experience as being loved. This is how knowing  you and your parntner's main love language can help couples express their love in the way their partner will experience as being loving. Most people could experience being loved with any of the five languages. The key is that we value them in different degrees. See if you can rank the love languages for yourself. This tool is  valuable for non-romantic relationships with people we care about too. If you always hug your sister to show your love and she values gifts it would probably be helpful to thoughtfully buy her something you think she would really like. You could let her know how much a hug means to you.  When we know the main love language of a loved one we can make an effort to express love in the way they will receive it. That act deepens our connection and is exteremly satisfying. It seems so efficient to me. I like that. One last thought- if i know how I feel loved I can be loving to myself in the way I feel loved, too. Be curious about that and see if the love languages can help you  be more effectively loving with yourself, too.

2013

Happy New Year to all of you.
My wishes for all of us for 2013: 
May we feel a heart more full of love this year.
May we allow ourselves to receive love with greater abandon. 
May we feel safer to be who we are more freely and fully.
May we find greater peace of mind.
May we notice it is easier to show up for ourselves mindfully, without judgement. 
May it be a little more easeful to forgive ourselves for being unskillful.
May we notice we are cutting ourselves more slack.
May we be more comfortable saying no to others and yes to ourselves. May the awareness that we are all one come to us more often.
May we spend more time in our bodies and less in our heads.
May we be aware of the attention our bodies need and get that attention for ourselves, creating optimal health.
May we laugh often and well, especially at ourselves.
May we inhabit the present moment and be willing to bring ourselves back kindly from being preoccupied with the past or the future.
May we listen to what feels right inside of us and let our actions flow from that.
May we be willing to ask for help and then let ourselves receive that help.
May we be willing to spend more time with people who are emotionally available and less time with people who aren't.
May we accept what is with less kicking and screaming.
May we be clearer about what needs action and what needs surrender.
May we be willing to feel all of our feelings and decide what to share with others in a way that honors our self-respect.
May we be more willing to honor our energy with contemplation and less willing to dull our energy with compulsions.
May we be more willing to trust our desires for connection and reach out to other people even when we're afraid.
May we be willing to risk being aware of and letting go of old patterns created for survival and be curious about not knowing what's next.
May we embrace I don't know.
May we embrace knowing.
May we open more fully to having fun and being silly and playful.
May all our wishes move from our hearts to the hearts of all beings everywhere and feel the universe saying yes. Yes Yes
May what you want about what to add to this list for yourself be in your awareness and may you find the energy to follow your heart.
With Love to all of you,
Andrea

What to do when there's nothing to do

The creative urge to write my blog has been building this week and I was wondering what I wanted to write about. Yesterday on my way home from teaching yoga I was listening to CPR. Talk of the nation was about what to do when there's nothing to do. The idea was that  people needed to have creative ways to fill up the space in between things so they weren't waiting around feeling uncomfortable. The expert talked about how there used to be long lines at banks and one teller. He talked about how waiting in line with nothing to do was so unpleasant he wanted to jump out of his skin. People called in and shared how they kept themselves distracted when they had to wait. One person always carried a book,  another always had her ipod, another brought along her  yo-yo and practiced tricks, still another never went anywhere without his ukelele. All of this was based on the premise that there always needs to be something to do.
It got me to thinking about how having an iphone and being able to text and check my e-mails and make phone calls anytime anywhere has impacted my life. What if I just used waiting time to be?
Being is so important especially at this time of year when there is such a whirlwind of doing. As I look at what I want to write next and notice the tendency to judge myself for what I have written and pick my nails, I am aware that this is the perfect opportunity to just be. In the space of waiting for the muse to come I breathe and go down into my body to notice the felt sensation I am feeling. I feel a tingling of excitement in my heart and belly and a tightness in my throat. Instead of trying to figure it out I practice breathing into what is. I notice the fear that being won't bring me ideas. I have to do something. The elusive muse won't come when she is called.She is not an on demand girl.  She patiently waits for me to wait for her. In this way she encourages me to breathe and be. I can feel my impatience and I wonder if she will ever show up? She says yes. I am here. Writing is allowing the flow of your breath to create your words. There is no force necessary. I can feel the ease that listening to her creates. I can feel the belief that I have to do something to make things happen being challenged. It isn't that I don't have to do my part. It's that I need to remember to ask for help all of the time. I have this idea that asking for help is for weaklings. I am supposed to know how to do everything by myself. Turning to my spiritual support around my circle is for times when I can't do it myself. What if it represented spiritual growth for me to ask for help from spiritual support? I get that if I leave things up to my ego I am screwed. I will do what I have always done, whatever that is. My spiritual support team around my circle has the job of helping me. However, they can't help me if I don't ask for help. That would be invasive.  They are here to help me open up more to my entire range of emotion and to experience the oneness of all beings. 
I am now asking for help with giving being a fair share of my attention and being willing to let go of doing sometimes in order to do that. As I breathe and listen I can hear them clapping.
. I am making a committment to asking for help whenever I remember whether I think what I need help with is worthy of their attention or not. I don't think that they have a score sheet about the validity of what I want help with. I am the one with the score sheet. This spiritual support team is made up of angels and spiritual guides, colored light and mountains and oceans and some dead people. I believe we are all involved in a project called the evolution of consciousness. They want to help me because their advanced level of consciousness can contribute to mine evolving. I imagine it is pleasing to them to be asked to do their job.
This  blog was so much fun to write. It helped me to experience how much being supports the creative process. Would you be willing to let yourself be? How about asking for help?
May your holiday season be filled with more and more of all that you are. It is such a pleasure to share my musings with you. Thanks for listening.

Changes

Hi everyone. It is good to be writing again. I have no idea what I want to write about. I only know that I want to write. I have made some changes in my life that I want to share. We completed the women's spiritual support group I have been leading for over eleven years. It felt clear and right even though it was sad. Most of the women were ready to move on to other adventures. My hope is that I will continue to study and learn and find other forums to teach in. It is satisfying to have more time available to see evening clients in Denver. At one point I couldn't imagine what my life would be like without that group because it was so important to me. I was so identified with being the leader of that group. Now I no longer am. It would've met next Thursday and I'd like to do a goodbye ritual on that night to mark the loss and the change and the growth of letting go and creating space. It's funny how an unimaginable loss can come to be and feel OK. It's a good lesson to me about attachment and letting go of attachment. Is there something in your life that you couldn't imagine ever letting go of that you have let go of? Acknowledge yourself for your resilience.
The other change that I want to share came from reading the book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. I found it to be very helpful. I put off reading it for a long time because I felt envious that she had published this book when I had never published my book Eating My Way to God. I realized I was resisting reading it for that reason and was kind to myself about it. I decided I was ready to let go of my envy in order to learn from what Geneen Roth had to offer. I've shared here before about my desire to let go of eating and reading at the same time.  When I do both I often don't even notice what I am eating until I am done. I  don't notice when I've had enough either.Many many times I have resolved to only eat when I am eating and only read when I am reading. It usually lasts less than two weeks and I gradually slip back into having reading material and reading glasses on my kitchen table and melding the two behaviors. Geneen Roth has these guidelines, one of which is to only eat when you are eating. I used her as a cheerleader to recreate my intention of conscious eating. I read the book at Valley View hot springs where I went by myself for four days. Being by myself with no work or house related distractions, it was easy to create lovely meals for myself and eat them with awareness. That was three weeks ago. I continued when I got home. It was challenging and I was tempted to grab my glasses many times. If they weren't there it was easier because I couldn't see to read. I was able to be kind and patient about the process of change and gentle about the slips I had.
 At the same time I bought a new to me kitchen table and chairs. I decided to bring all of my reading materials and all of my mail and bills into my office and off of my kitchen table. My table had been my desk. I even had a usable desk in my office that had been sort of a dumping ground.
So now I have a tranquil space to eat in. I notice I am tasting food more and enjoying eating. That is a pleasure. I  also notice I am reading less and the next step is to carve out more time to read besides reading on the internet. I love to read and want to do more. One good time would be instead of being on the computer before I go to bed I am going to read. I know that the stimulation of the computer before bed isn't supportive of good sleep. That is the next step. It's important to acknowledge the shift I have made and not only to focus on the next shift yet to be made. Good job, Andrea. You have made real progress with changing an automatic behavior to a more conscious one. Is there an automatic behavior you'd like to change to a more conscious one? Could you begin by being kind to yourself and noticing what it is?

Clarity

Happy November. Five  more days until the election. I worked for the Obama campaign today calling voters with mail-in ballots who hadn't turned them in yet. Next to each person's name was the nearest place for the person to turn in their ballot. I was really impressed with the level of organization and how receptive people were about knowing the nearest location to drop off their completed ballot. Several people thanked me for calling. I thanked all of them for answering their phone and for either already voting or being willing to vote. It was a pleasurable connection with most of the people I spoke to. I felt grateful to have the time to volunteer today and to feel part of the community surrounding Barack Obama's re-election campaign.
   Every other Thursday evening I lead a women's spiritual support group. I give myself several hours on those Thursdays when I don't schedule clients  to finish planning the group. Hence I had the time today to spend making calls at the Obama office.
I have been running this group in one form or another for over 11 years.  I call it Sacred Circle. It has evolved as I have evolved. It now has meditation, intention setting, a short yin yoga practice, chanting and sharing. I study during the two weeks in between groups to find experiences and information I want to teach. It is important to me to combine personal and spiritual growth in a creative way to enable the beautiful women in my group to learn and grow. I create a safe space for nurturing connection by modeling authenticity and speaking truth from my heart. This has facilitated the creation of  a supportive community where people feel safe to be themselves. I am very attached to leading and being part of this community.
In the past three months several people have left the group. Now another woman who has been with the group since the beginning is preparing to leave. I love to have a completion evening for people who leave so they can honor their contribution to the group and say goodbye. Clear goodbyes are rare in our culture. I think it is so delicious to have the opportunity to honor  and celebrate beginnings and endings.
Now the group is small enough so I need to find new members if it is to continue. We decided to at least take a break for December. My energy isn't clear yet. In our intention process tonight I asked for clarity to know whether I wanted to continue or if it is time to let go and discontinue the group. I am asking for help from the universe to be willing to let go if that is what's needed or to be given the energy to attract women who would benefit from the group.
  If you or anyone you know would benefit from being part of a sacred sanctuary  of women to learn and grow personally and spiritually please let me know.  Call me or e-mail me. I'd love to hear from you if you want more information.Community is a great opportunity to love ourselves and be mirrored in that love.
 Is there something in your life you'd like to have clarity about?  Would you be willing to try this experiment? Draw a circle around yourself in the air. This circle represents your own sacred space. This space is made sacred by you giving yourself your own attention. Imagine around the outside of the circle there is your spiritual support team. It could be made up of people, mountains, beings, animals, angels, light, oceans, trees, god or gods and goddesses, etc. Imagine that you could sit quietly and ask for help and guidance from this team. They can only help us when we ask for their help. They are always there whether we are aware of them or not. They are glad to help. Let yourself be open to receiving help. It doesn't mean you are a wimp. Being vulnerable and asking for help is a sign of strength. Let yourself be strong and ask for help and guidance. See what happens. Be willing to have whatever you experience be that help. Thanks for being willing to experiment.

Asking for Help

It's been several months since I last wrote. I want to thank a kind reader for e-mailing me and asking if I was OK since I hadn't written for a while. It was just the motivation I needed to write again. It was so nice to know that someone cared about reading this blog. It's easy to believe the story I make up that noone reads this so it doesn't matter if I write or not. How much do we tell ourselves that what we do doesn't matter when it clearly does? Is there something you are wanting to do, or for that matter not wanting to do, that you are making up a story that it doesn't matter?
I have noticed that when I most need to do the things that are nourishing to me is when I least want to do those very things. It makes sense that when I feel the least deserving of support and nourishment that it is the most difficult time to seek out that comfort and support. When I am moving too fast and filled with a sense of urgency, I make up the most creative stories about how I don't have time to meditate as long as I need to be clearheaded. I also rationalize that it is much more important to spend a lot of time on my computer reading e-mails than it is to contact friends or go to yoga classes. I also convince myself that there is no time to cook and that staying up late is fun. The problem is that when I am in this speeded up place my mind is filled with chatter. That chatter is about worrying about the past and the future. When my mind is filled with chatter empty space is threatening so I listen to the radio more and avoid stillness.
 I recently heard an interview with a woman who has done extensive research on mindfulness. (There are definitely some good things about listening to the radio. However using it to fill up all the space in my head isn't one of them.) Mindfulness is awareness without judgement. Mindfulness is just being present and noticing what is with acceptance. In the interview the woman said there are primarily two states of mind, mindfulness and evaluation. When we are in evaluation we are judging ourselves and others. The good news is that being mindful of the judging mind without judging ourselves for judging brings us back to just noticing. Judgement can be a perfect path to mindfulness. Does this sound like it is easier said than done? I thought so, so I added another step. I have been imagining a virtual tatoo on my right forearm that says help. It is written in cursive and is quite large. When I notice I am caught in judgement I look down at my arm and ask for help. Help is the shortest prayer there is. I am asking for help from the universe. I am asking for help from angels, masters, teachers, God, goddesses, the mountains, light and any and all available resources. I am asking for help because if left to my own devices I will do what I have always done and judge myself and others relentlessly. I am asking for help to move beyond my ego to my essence where I know we are all one. I am asking to experience the acceptance and love that is underneath my judgement.When I ask for help I take a deep breath and go into my circle and pay attention to my inner process. I see whatever is in my experience as receiving that help. I ask for help in finding gratitude for receiving the help I asked for. Help is there. We just have to be willing to ask. The resources that are there to help us can't help if we don't ask. Would you be willing to see what happens? Ask for help and see what you notice. I asked for help in moving out of my state of urgency to be able to include the things that are nourishing in my life. I am grateful for the help that i received. This week I went to two yoga classes and now I am writing this blog.  Thank you for being a vehicle for me to be kind to myself. Thank you for reading this blog.