Nature is my Temple. I just returned from a silent, camping, hiking meditation retreat in Rochy Mtn Natl Park. This was the second annual solstice vipassana retreat and Gary and I went last year, too. I was struck by how much has happened since last June. Last year I remember being really upset because the ending group sharing was in the darkness and I couldn't hear anyone. I felt very disabled and realized how dependent I was on lip reading. In general I had a good experience at the retreat enough to want to return this year. Little did I know at the time that Gary's house would burn down three months later and that he would loose everything. I had no idea that we would find our dream house in Boulder and that I would be living in two places that I love, that Gary and I would be engaged and that I would move my mother to Boulder. What an exciting and challenging year. I was so aware of my sense of gratefulness at the retreat. My friend Wendy told me at lunch today that she had seen a quote that said that gratefulness is great fullness. That is how I felt- filled with a great sense of fullness that moved like molten gold from my head to my toes. I also felt strong fear as it rained and thundered and lighteninged and we were in our new tent because the old one had burned up. We didn't know if it would hold up in all of the strong wind and rain and it did. The last night of the retreat there was a big rainstorm in the late afternoon and cold temperatures and rain and maybe snow were predicted all night long. We met as a group and decided to stay to finish out the retreat the next day. Half of dinner blew away and everyone managed to still get enough to eat. The cook was very skilled and her food was delicious. She said she had never cooked in those kind of conditions before and it really stretched her out of her comfort zone. It helped her a lot that everyone was really helpful. During the retreat she made special food for those of us with food allergies and placed them in a square made with blue masking tape on the picnic table. I felt very loved and cared for and realized that all of my worrying about what I would eat and all of the extra food I brought were unnecessary. I was aware of how much I worry and saw my worry as an overprotective misguided parent who wanted to protect me from imagined pain. I could be kind to myself about it and even laugh at my urgent attempt to be prepared for the worst only to have the best happen.
That night it stopped raining before dinner. We went out into our meadow surrounded by gorgeous mountain peaks to meditate and listen to a darma talk and meditate again. As the last meditation was finishing at 10pm the thunder and lightening started again and heavy rain continued all through the night. It stopped just after our morning bell rang at 5. We were able to return to our meadow to sit. We could see that where we had hiked the day before was now covered with snow. The retreat was about being in nature and allowing nature to teach us about impermanence, change and connection. She was a persistent teacher offering up many challenges with the weather. I am grateful to get to hang out in my nature temple and pray for a whole weekend with loving teachers and fellow members of this impermanent sangha or community. It's amazing to me how much love I felt for people I didn't speak a word to. I love not speaking because I don't have to worry about hearing. It is such a relief to eat in silence and really be able to taste food. It was inspiring to me to come home and eat more consciously. Although I came home and ate in front of the computer for one meal I do think the rest of the time I have been more aware of what I'm eating. I also decided to go to sleep earlier and get up earlier to allow more time for meditation. I did that last night and today did all of my disciplines before my group at 8:30 this morning. However, right now it is late and I am still writing and cooking and washing clothes. I guess my inspiration from the retreat is to accept that change comes slowly and to treat myself with kindness. It isn't about all or nothing. It is more like the changing from one season to the next little by little. Happy Solstice and a delicious longest day to you.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
mom's meds
When I moved my mother to Boulder one of my intentions was to get her off of some of her anti-psychotic meds. Her affect was very flat and she was zoned out in sort of a waking sleep. When a glimmer of wakefulness would come through she would seem to undertstand what was being said to her and sometimes respond, mostly with yes and no. Monnya and I felt Mom's presence very strongly on our trip from Alamogordo to Colorado. It was such a relief to bring her from the locked alzheimer's unit where she was maintained to Anam Chara where she is respected. My doctor, who is a knowledgeable and conscious woman, agreed to have my mother as a patient. The staff at Anam Chara agreed to an experiment to begin to lessen one of my mother's many drugs. The doctor supported this plan and gave us a safe way to begin.
In the first week my mother was agitated and frustrated. In addition she was much more alert and present. She was in her body yet didn't quite know how to handle her new energy. The staff at Anam Chara, used to my mom vegetating, were surprised to find her getting up and walking outside by herself. She fell three times. Once she was found under a lilac bush in the front yard. It isn't clear whether she fell or was just resting. So we all messed with her meds some more trying to find a balance between comfort and presence. Could we find a mix that preserved her new found presence and responsiveness and also allowed her to be comfortable? The doctor has been patient and persistant. I am so grateful to her. She treats my mother as a person. Most people do not treat my mother as a person. Older people with dementia are often treated as disrespectfully as small children and talked about in third person when they are right there.
The caregivers at Anam Chara work hard to create relationships with the residents. One caregiver in particular has really gone to bat for my mom going through her adjustment process with her meds. She knows it will take time to get it worked out and that it may be somewhat uncomfortable for everyone involved. I don't think discomfort is necessarily a bad thing. I think it is important to weigh the pros and cons of change to see what is for the highest good. It is with delight that I watch my mom become more and more responsive.
Her opinions and judgements are returning. In some ways it was a respite from all of that to have her zoned out. However, it is worth it to me to have her quality of life expanding. From what she says it is also worth it to her to be experiencing a heightened level of anxiety in order to be more alert.
I am not around her all day every day. The caregivers are. I so appreciate their efforts to support my mother in returning to her body mind and spirit as much as she is able to. I feel held in love by the whole support team. I am blessed. A caregiver took my mom to a physical therapist yesterday to evaluate her for a walker so she can be more mobile. Before the meds were changed she would never leave her chair or bed unless someone walked her. Now the PT said she felt my mom could navigate learning to use a walker. That is very exciting.
I have to work with my ego about all of this. When I go visit my mom I want her to be more alert and present. Sometimes she is and sometimes she isn't. It seemed last weekend that when I had time to spend with her she was completely zoned out and when I was there for a rushed visit she was alert and interactive. It is a good opportunity to let go of my attachment to things being different than they are and surrender my delusion of control. Letting go and opening to what is has never been my strong suit. I am getting lots of practice.
My mother's process looks like what it looks like. I need to be willing to feel my excitement, disappointment,frustration, boredom, and fear. If I am willing to feel all of what I am feeling it makes more space for the love that bubbles up. This love exists between my mother and I as two human beings sharing this earth school together. I am grateful for the chance to have her be close and to grow with her.
In the first week my mother was agitated and frustrated. In addition she was much more alert and present. She was in her body yet didn't quite know how to handle her new energy. The staff at Anam Chara, used to my mom vegetating, were surprised to find her getting up and walking outside by herself. She fell three times. Once she was found under a lilac bush in the front yard. It isn't clear whether she fell or was just resting. So we all messed with her meds some more trying to find a balance between comfort and presence. Could we find a mix that preserved her new found presence and responsiveness and also allowed her to be comfortable? The doctor has been patient and persistant. I am so grateful to her. She treats my mother as a person. Most people do not treat my mother as a person. Older people with dementia are often treated as disrespectfully as small children and talked about in third person when they are right there.
The caregivers at Anam Chara work hard to create relationships with the residents. One caregiver in particular has really gone to bat for my mom going through her adjustment process with her meds. She knows it will take time to get it worked out and that it may be somewhat uncomfortable for everyone involved. I don't think discomfort is necessarily a bad thing. I think it is important to weigh the pros and cons of change to see what is for the highest good. It is with delight that I watch my mom become more and more responsive.
Her opinions and judgements are returning. In some ways it was a respite from all of that to have her zoned out. However, it is worth it to me to have her quality of life expanding. From what she says it is also worth it to her to be experiencing a heightened level of anxiety in order to be more alert.
I am not around her all day every day. The caregivers are. I so appreciate their efforts to support my mother in returning to her body mind and spirit as much as she is able to. I feel held in love by the whole support team. I am blessed. A caregiver took my mom to a physical therapist yesterday to evaluate her for a walker so she can be more mobile. Before the meds were changed she would never leave her chair or bed unless someone walked her. Now the PT said she felt my mom could navigate learning to use a walker. That is very exciting.
I have to work with my ego about all of this. When I go visit my mom I want her to be more alert and present. Sometimes she is and sometimes she isn't. It seemed last weekend that when I had time to spend with her she was completely zoned out and when I was there for a rushed visit she was alert and interactive. It is a good opportunity to let go of my attachment to things being different than they are and surrender my delusion of control. Letting go and opening to what is has never been my strong suit. I am getting lots of practice.
My mother's process looks like what it looks like. I need to be willing to feel my excitement, disappointment,frustration, boredom, and fear. If I am willing to feel all of what I am feeling it makes more space for the love that bubbles up. This love exists between my mother and I as two human beings sharing this earth school together. I am grateful for the chance to have her be close and to grow with her.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Faking the Funk
One of the people I work with works with homeless people. She cares for children in homeless families providing housing and other services. She described to me about her meeting with an African American client who told her about faking the funk. Faking the funk is a term used when a person is being less than real. I loved the idea that realness is valued and the lack of it is called out. In the Jewish middle class suburban culture I grew up in, realness was not valued. Presenting an image that would be impressive to other people was highly valued. Everything else was a secret which was not ok to be talked about within the family let alone shared with outsiders. " Don't air your dirty laundry." I was told growing up.
Since I heard about faking the funk I have been noticing how much I am afraid to be real with other people and that strength in the mainstream culture is defined as not showing your feelings.
Gary and I have recently joined a meditation sangha (community)where we meditate for an hour with a group of about a dozen people in one of the participants' homes. Then we pass around a talking rock and each person shares what is going on with them. Everyone is very real and I feel close to these people in a way that is disportionate to how long I've known them. Sitting together with the same group of people for an hour once a week creates an atmosphere of safety in which intimacy can grow. The person who is speaking and holding the rock speaks uninterrupted until they bow to the others and pass the rock to the next person. There is the option of passing and not saying anything. One women did a dance for her sharing that was so vividly emotionally expressive. Her sharing inspired me to think outside the box. Before the rock gets to me I work with the urge to prepare what I will say. I bring myself back from my compulsion to plan, presenting a certain image, to giving my total attention to the person sharing. I am working with my tendency to fake the funk. I notice when I feel relaxed and safe it is easier to share something I would really like support with. Soothing myself about wanting to fake the funk and being kind to myself about it fuels my courage to make myself emotionally vulnerable. I have always wanted to be part of a community. Various religious communities I have been a part of for short times end with me feeling that I am up against the dogma. The shoulds have felt like a constraint. It is refreshing to me to be part of this group.
I think my ego or personality strategy is faking the funk. I decided who I needed to be in my family to survive and then I pretended to be that person for so long I forgot I was more than that pretense.
Today I was talking with a client about pleasing. Pleasing behavior at its worst is faking the funk. It is imagining that we have to ignore what feels right to us and do what we think will make the other person love us and stick around. Then when the person we are pretzeling ourselves to please does stick around it proves to us that we aren't lovable as we are. Pausing and taking a breath when faced with another's desires gives a moment to move beyond automatic pilot to our own authentic desire. For those of us who tend to pretzel ourselves, Asking ourselves, what do I want or need here? can be very helpful. For" my way or the highway'"people who have a hard time taking other's wants into consideration taking a deep breath and really listening to what the other person wants can be very healing. I notice myself pretzeling and also sometimes pushing aggressively to get my way. I think there is an element of fear in both stances of not getting what we want. We pretzel or demand instead of being emotionally vulnerable by asking for what we want clearly and directly. It is my intention in writing this blog to let go of faking the funk as much as possible and to be kind to myself when I notice I am. Does the concept of faking the funk resonate with you? How?
Since I heard about faking the funk I have been noticing how much I am afraid to be real with other people and that strength in the mainstream culture is defined as not showing your feelings.
Gary and I have recently joined a meditation sangha (community)where we meditate for an hour with a group of about a dozen people in one of the participants' homes. Then we pass around a talking rock and each person shares what is going on with them. Everyone is very real and I feel close to these people in a way that is disportionate to how long I've known them. Sitting together with the same group of people for an hour once a week creates an atmosphere of safety in which intimacy can grow. The person who is speaking and holding the rock speaks uninterrupted until they bow to the others and pass the rock to the next person. There is the option of passing and not saying anything. One women did a dance for her sharing that was so vividly emotionally expressive. Her sharing inspired me to think outside the box. Before the rock gets to me I work with the urge to prepare what I will say. I bring myself back from my compulsion to plan, presenting a certain image, to giving my total attention to the person sharing. I am working with my tendency to fake the funk. I notice when I feel relaxed and safe it is easier to share something I would really like support with. Soothing myself about wanting to fake the funk and being kind to myself about it fuels my courage to make myself emotionally vulnerable. I have always wanted to be part of a community. Various religious communities I have been a part of for short times end with me feeling that I am up against the dogma. The shoulds have felt like a constraint. It is refreshing to me to be part of this group.
I think my ego or personality strategy is faking the funk. I decided who I needed to be in my family to survive and then I pretended to be that person for so long I forgot I was more than that pretense.
Today I was talking with a client about pleasing. Pleasing behavior at its worst is faking the funk. It is imagining that we have to ignore what feels right to us and do what we think will make the other person love us and stick around. Then when the person we are pretzeling ourselves to please does stick around it proves to us that we aren't lovable as we are. Pausing and taking a breath when faced with another's desires gives a moment to move beyond automatic pilot to our own authentic desire. For those of us who tend to pretzel ourselves, Asking ourselves, what do I want or need here? can be very helpful. For" my way or the highway'"people who have a hard time taking other's wants into consideration taking a deep breath and really listening to what the other person wants can be very healing. I notice myself pretzeling and also sometimes pushing aggressively to get my way. I think there is an element of fear in both stances of not getting what we want. We pretzel or demand instead of being emotionally vulnerable by asking for what we want clearly and directly. It is my intention in writing this blog to let go of faking the funk as much as possible and to be kind to myself when I notice I am. Does the concept of faking the funk resonate with you? How?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
This is the practice
I listened to a teleconference call this evening with Doug Bentley, a oneness trainer from India. He spoke about suffering and surrender. He said to remember in the midst of suffering that what is happening in each moment is the practice of moving toward awakening to all of who we are. Experiencing what is, is the path. Surrendering to what is in each moment is the practice.
Driving to teach yoga today I thought, I am so glad I have never locked myself out of the studio. One teacher forgot her keys and had to cancel her class. After that a lock box was installed.
Last Wednesday I had four people in my yoga class and I thought I was OK with that. Then I went to another teacher's class on Thursday and there were 22 people. I compared myself to her and decided that people weren't coming to my class because it wasn't as good as hers. I dreaded going to class today because I believed the story I had made up and was sure very few people would come. Fourteen students arrived and I got to see the power of my negative stories. I was able to forgive myself for clobbering myself with my story and realized again that judging my worth by how many people show up to my yoga class leaves me very vulnerable to outside validation. My intention is to enjoy teaching my class whoever shows up to take it. This process is ongoing. I was chuckling to myself about my process when I deftly locked the door to the office with my purse and keys in it. I had a momentary sinking feeling because my car key was also in my purse. I breathed and tapped in to the growing part of me that trusts that everything is OK. I found the lock box and tried the number I had written in my class folder. It didn't work. I had to climb up on a high ledge to reach the lock box and I fell and skinned my knee. I started to get very scared that this wouldn't work out and I would be stranded in the pouring rain without a car, unable to lock the studio. Luckily I had my appointment book with the owner's cell phone in it. My cell phone was in my purse but the insurance office downstairs was open. I reached the owner of the yoga studio and got the correct number for the lock box and relieved, went outside to open it. It didn't work. I called the owner back and repeated back to her what I had done. It turned out I had heard the number wrong. Sometimes it is such a challenge to have a hearing loss. The owner was very loving and the woman in the insurance office was very supportive. Now the box opened. The feeling of trust that everything is OK was nourished and grew. I am starting to see more and more after my almost flat tire of last week and my lock-out this week that the more I can include in what is OK
the more OK I am and life is. This is the practice.
Driving to teach yoga today I thought, I am so glad I have never locked myself out of the studio. One teacher forgot her keys and had to cancel her class. After that a lock box was installed.
Last Wednesday I had four people in my yoga class and I thought I was OK with that. Then I went to another teacher's class on Thursday and there were 22 people. I compared myself to her and decided that people weren't coming to my class because it wasn't as good as hers. I dreaded going to class today because I believed the story I had made up and was sure very few people would come. Fourteen students arrived and I got to see the power of my negative stories. I was able to forgive myself for clobbering myself with my story and realized again that judging my worth by how many people show up to my yoga class leaves me very vulnerable to outside validation. My intention is to enjoy teaching my class whoever shows up to take it. This process is ongoing. I was chuckling to myself about my process when I deftly locked the door to the office with my purse and keys in it. I had a momentary sinking feeling because my car key was also in my purse. I breathed and tapped in to the growing part of me that trusts that everything is OK. I found the lock box and tried the number I had written in my class folder. It didn't work. I had to climb up on a high ledge to reach the lock box and I fell and skinned my knee. I started to get very scared that this wouldn't work out and I would be stranded in the pouring rain without a car, unable to lock the studio. Luckily I had my appointment book with the owner's cell phone in it. My cell phone was in my purse but the insurance office downstairs was open. I reached the owner of the yoga studio and got the correct number for the lock box and relieved, went outside to open it. It didn't work. I called the owner back and repeated back to her what I had done. It turned out I had heard the number wrong. Sometimes it is such a challenge to have a hearing loss. The owner was very loving and the woman in the insurance office was very supportive. Now the box opened. The feeling of trust that everything is OK was nourished and grew. I am starting to see more and more after my almost flat tire of last week and my lock-out this week that the more I can include in what is OK
the more OK I am and life is. This is the practice.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
inspired tire
Today I feel blessed. Yesterday I noticed my tire pressure light was on. I went to the gas station, found my tire pressure gauge and and checked my tires. For some people doing a task like checking their tire pressure is simple and easy. For me it represents a triumph. We all have different gifts. I am learning that if I push through my "I can't " pattern and tackle a mundane task I gain confidence in my ability to cope with the material plane and its challenges. My tires all seemed fine. Sometimes the tire pressure symbol comes on when the weather changes so I waited until today. When I drove to teach my yoga class it was still on. I decided to go to a service station I like on my way home from teaching.
Four people showed up for my class. Instead of feeling disappointment, as I have in the past, I celebrated that I had an even number of people and a small enough group to practice partner poses. The class was a welcome change for me and I think my students had fun. I could see that it represented a shift from my personality strategy of taking everything personally. Surrendering control and resisting blaming myself for what is, certainly allows me to enjoy myself more.
When I left the class I headed for the service station to get some help with the tires. The attendant found a stick embedded in and protruding from one tire. He said I would probaly need two tires and he couldn't order them and get the job done until tomorrow. It was raining hard so I didn't want to walk home from there. He filled the tire said I needed to handle it immediately as it would go flat very soon and recommended a nearby tire place. As I was driving there I remembered a tire place I had gone to previously and liked that was farther away. I took the chance and headed there. I was scared that my tire would go flat and I would be stranded in the pouring rain. Every light was red and I breathed and trusted that everything would be OK. Even the anxiety I was feeling was OK. I arrived at the tire place and they had my exact tire and said it would be fine to just replace the punctured one. The guy said he didn't work on commision so he could recommend what would really work the best. He said he could finish the tire in an hour. I had a client in an hour and called her to see if she could meet thirty minutes later. I reached her and it worked better for her to meet later. I had a delicious lunch at one of my favorite restaurants which was a short walk away. If I had to have a punctured tire this was the best case scenario. I was grateful it had gone so smoothly and people had been so helpful and that I had the money to buy a new tire. It also helped to expand the feeling that everything will be OK no matter what happens to me. Even though many challenges present themselves being OK is a constant. I notice that the more I am willing to include more things in what OK is the more OK I feel. Is there something in your life that in the past you wouldn't have known you were OK when it happened that you now know you are OK? Earned secure attachment is about being able to show up for ourselves in ways we couldn't before. It's knowing that we can comfort ourselves in the midst of what used to be intolerable. To me it represents a growing ability to contain and be there for myself instead of reacting. Self-soothing begets feeling safer in the world and the skillset of knowing what is really a threat and what isn't. Do you notice any ways the world feels safer to you than it used to? The challenge is to embrace this job of reparenting ourselves in a way that includes being present with more and more of what is in our experience. The little kids inside of us are learning to respond to love and acceptance. Maybe we are getting that more and more of all of who we are is OK. Maybe that makes the world feel more OK? As the world feels more OK the sense of the oneness that connects us all becomes more apparent. Maybe the awareness of that sense of oneness in our own small way is helping to transform the planet. I feel blessed to have this forum to share what I am learning. Thank you for listening.
Four people showed up for my class. Instead of feeling disappointment, as I have in the past, I celebrated that I had an even number of people and a small enough group to practice partner poses. The class was a welcome change for me and I think my students had fun. I could see that it represented a shift from my personality strategy of taking everything personally. Surrendering control and resisting blaming myself for what is, certainly allows me to enjoy myself more.
When I left the class I headed for the service station to get some help with the tires. The attendant found a stick embedded in and protruding from one tire. He said I would probaly need two tires and he couldn't order them and get the job done until tomorrow. It was raining hard so I didn't want to walk home from there. He filled the tire said I needed to handle it immediately as it would go flat very soon and recommended a nearby tire place. As I was driving there I remembered a tire place I had gone to previously and liked that was farther away. I took the chance and headed there. I was scared that my tire would go flat and I would be stranded in the pouring rain. Every light was red and I breathed and trusted that everything would be OK. Even the anxiety I was feeling was OK. I arrived at the tire place and they had my exact tire and said it would be fine to just replace the punctured one. The guy said he didn't work on commision so he could recommend what would really work the best. He said he could finish the tire in an hour. I had a client in an hour and called her to see if she could meet thirty minutes later. I reached her and it worked better for her to meet later. I had a delicious lunch at one of my favorite restaurants which was a short walk away. If I had to have a punctured tire this was the best case scenario. I was grateful it had gone so smoothly and people had been so helpful and that I had the money to buy a new tire. It also helped to expand the feeling that everything will be OK no matter what happens to me. Even though many challenges present themselves being OK is a constant. I notice that the more I am willing to include more things in what OK is the more OK I feel. Is there something in your life that in the past you wouldn't have known you were OK when it happened that you now know you are OK? Earned secure attachment is about being able to show up for ourselves in ways we couldn't before. It's knowing that we can comfort ourselves in the midst of what used to be intolerable. To me it represents a growing ability to contain and be there for myself instead of reacting. Self-soothing begets feeling safer in the world and the skillset of knowing what is really a threat and what isn't. Do you notice any ways the world feels safer to you than it used to? The challenge is to embrace this job of reparenting ourselves in a way that includes being present with more and more of what is in our experience. The little kids inside of us are learning to respond to love and acceptance. Maybe we are getting that more and more of all of who we are is OK. Maybe that makes the world feel more OK? As the world feels more OK the sense of the oneness that connects us all becomes more apparent. Maybe the awareness of that sense of oneness in our own small way is helping to transform the planet. I feel blessed to have this forum to share what I am learning. Thank you for listening.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
mission accomplished
This blog is in purple. Purple was my Mom's favorite color when she remembered she had a favorite color. She had purple clothes and purple stuffed animals and a bumper sticker on her car that said,"I love purple!" Monnya and I went to Alamagordo, New Mexico last weekend to pick my Mom up and bring her to her new home in Boulder. We planned the trip to include a little side trip first to Ojo Calleinte hot springs and Sante Fe. It was so much fun to have that time for mother daughter bonding. Our love for each other is fierce and supportive as we push each other to stretch beyond our ideas about who we each can be. We went on a hike as it was getting dark that I think either of us would've been afraid to do on our own. I am so blessed to have her for a daughter and a friend. We have done the work to move into the role of adult friends with each other and it is very satisfying.
Then we headed toward Alamogordo where my mother has lived for four years. For the last year I have been feeling more and more dissatisfied and uncomfortable with the way the place was run. The caretakers are overworked and underpaid. They cared and had no time to really hang out with my Mom. It was a locked alzheimer's unit with no stimulation. I had the feeling that given more loving contact she would deteriorate less quickly. When I found Anam Chara, which means soul friend, I was so excited. It is in a house in a neighborhood and their intention is to nurture the residents in body mind and spirit. The director is passionate about his work and the contribution he is making. The people who work there really like working there. It is set up to feel like a family, not an institution. They have healthy real food and a beautiful yard with rosebushes and a pond.
When we arrived my sister had packed up all my Mom's stuff. She worked really hard for four years to manage my Mom's care. She resisted the move initially and then realized she was really ready for a break.
I woke up on Saturday morning with the word "grueling" drumming in my brain as I thought about leaving at 6am on Sunday and doing the trip in one day. For several weeks I had been going back and forth in my mind about whether to make the trip back to Boulder in two days or one. I went to see my mom early that morning and feeling her sweetness I wanted to make the trip be an adventure rather than a grueling attempt at transporting her as quickly as possible. Even though she is sometimes very out of it, her humanity shines through. She is much sweeter than she was before she lost her memory. She no longer cares that Gary isn't Jewish. She doesn't even know that she is.
We stayed in a nice motel and Monnya and I took care of her. The gods were with us and I didn't have to change one poopy diaper. I am willing to because she certainly did it for me and I was very relieved.
That morning when I woke up early to do my disciplines Monnya and my mom were each sleeping in their respective beds in the same position. I felt an almost unbearably deep tenderness for the two of them that brought me to tears. We are a sandwich the three of us and I am the filling in the middle.
It was so moving to watch Monnya feed my Mom. She said she was getting a baby fix which was really satisfying for her. Monnya went to walmart and bought Mom purple accessories so she could make a fashion statement upon her arrival. Mom looked so cute in her new purple knitted cap.
We arrived in Boulder and moved Mom into her new welcoming home. We decorated the room together and mom had dinner. It was healthy and delicious and I had some too. I left to go back to my Boulder house satisfyed that we had found Mom a place to live out the last stage of her life with dignity and even some fun. I feel such a sense of peace and joy. Rescue mission accomplished . Thanks for listening.
Then we headed toward Alamogordo where my mother has lived for four years. For the last year I have been feeling more and more dissatisfied and uncomfortable with the way the place was run. The caretakers are overworked and underpaid. They cared and had no time to really hang out with my Mom. It was a locked alzheimer's unit with no stimulation. I had the feeling that given more loving contact she would deteriorate less quickly. When I found Anam Chara, which means soul friend, I was so excited. It is in a house in a neighborhood and their intention is to nurture the residents in body mind and spirit. The director is passionate about his work and the contribution he is making. The people who work there really like working there. It is set up to feel like a family, not an institution. They have healthy real food and a beautiful yard with rosebushes and a pond.
When we arrived my sister had packed up all my Mom's stuff. She worked really hard for four years to manage my Mom's care. She resisted the move initially and then realized she was really ready for a break.
I woke up on Saturday morning with the word "grueling" drumming in my brain as I thought about leaving at 6am on Sunday and doing the trip in one day. For several weeks I had been going back and forth in my mind about whether to make the trip back to Boulder in two days or one. I went to see my mom early that morning and feeling her sweetness I wanted to make the trip be an adventure rather than a grueling attempt at transporting her as quickly as possible. Even though she is sometimes very out of it, her humanity shines through. She is much sweeter than she was before she lost her memory. She no longer cares that Gary isn't Jewish. She doesn't even know that she is.
We stayed in a nice motel and Monnya and I took care of her. The gods were with us and I didn't have to change one poopy diaper. I am willing to because she certainly did it for me and I was very relieved.
That morning when I woke up early to do my disciplines Monnya and my mom were each sleeping in their respective beds in the same position. I felt an almost unbearably deep tenderness for the two of them that brought me to tears. We are a sandwich the three of us and I am the filling in the middle.
It was so moving to watch Monnya feed my Mom. She said she was getting a baby fix which was really satisfying for her. Monnya went to walmart and bought Mom purple accessories so she could make a fashion statement upon her arrival. Mom looked so cute in her new purple knitted cap.
We arrived in Boulder and moved Mom into her new welcoming home. We decorated the room together and mom had dinner. It was healthy and delicious and I had some too. I left to go back to my Boulder house satisfyed that we had found Mom a place to live out the last stage of her life with dignity and even some fun. I feel such a sense of peace and joy. Rescue mission accomplished . Thanks for listening.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Moving Mom
It is good to be back to writing. I am adjusting slowly to having two houses and two lives. I am slowly building a life for myself in Boulder. Gary and I are both challenged by living together and we seem to be able to work most things out. The love between us seems to be deeper than our personality selves. It is helpful to bring ourselves back to that connection when our egos butt heads. The newest development is that on April 21st my daughter Monnya and I are going to Alamogordo New Mexico to pick up my Mom and move her to Boulder. I found a lovely, holistic place for her called Anam Chara. Anam Chara means soul friend. My Mom is in an advanced stage of Alzheimer's. It was a challenging time for my sister and I as we worked through the decision making process about whether to move Mom or not. The place she is isn't a bad place. Her body is maintained and the people who work with her are generally caring. They are also underpaid and overworked. There is little time to interact with the residents and my Mom gets very little stimulation. They have recently hired a part time activities director and things have gotten a little better. The new place is in a home and the people who work there consider themselves a family. They value the last stage of life and the passage from this life. The director is a conscious loving man and my fellow laughter leader is a caregiver. It is a not- for- profit organization that attracts lots of volunteers who come and spend time with the residents. This process has been a validation of trusting in my intuition. Although I was scared to pursue this move with my sister it felt so right to me from the beginning. Gary and I went to meet with the director. It was so helpful to have Gary's support. Right away I was struck by the director's kindness and his passion for running a sustainable business that would actually help people. I knew that if I had dementia Anam Chara is where I would want to be. I wanted that for my Mom. I know that even though my mother sometimes doesn't recognize me that she is still a being in there. I want her to be surrounded with people who get that. I want to be closer to her. This move is also for me. There is some kind of a circle of completion about me caring for my mom. Even though her parenting was often wounding she loved me the best she was capable of. It's good to have a concrete way to give back. I am so glad that Monnya will be driving down with me to get Mom. We will have some connecting time together and I so appreciate her help. My sister will help us pack Mom up. This process has been very healing for my sister and I. We have come to a better understanding of each other and there is more space for us to express our love now. We are very different and are also great teachers for each other. She is a master of the material plane where I am often challenged. I am afraid and excited about how this will impact my life. My life feels so full. I want to use the feeling of overwhelm to know that I need to ask for help from my family and friends and also from my spiritual support. I want to remember to use the burning in my chest and the shortness of my breath and the tension in my shoulders to know I need to draw my circle around myself and breathe deeply and soothe myself. I need to say 'of course' to my feeling overwhelmed and hold myself tenderly. I need to speak to myself gently. I know that the way I speak to myself or my self-talk influences how I feel about myself and how I see the world. I am learning to speak to myself as I would to my daughter rather than as how my mother spoke to me. I am reparenting myself. What do you notice about your self-talk? Can you use the awareness of bullying yourself to remember the need for compassion? What would be a compassionate way for you to speak to yourself? Imagine you are a being filled with compassion that could actually shift your neural pathways with comfort. Ask for help if you don't know what to say.Would you be willing to set a conscious intention to practice conscious kindness?
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