It's late. I usually go to sleep at 10 and it is 10. Well, actually it is my intention to go to sleep at 10 and I usually get to bed before 11. I have been learning to cut myself some slack about my expectations. I have many ideas about how I'm supposed to be and what I should do. Most of them are good for me. The combination can feel tyranical. Giving myself slack means I don't do everything every day. Conscious kindness means I enter the possibility that I am OK if I don't exercise, practice yoga and meditation to my specifications every day. My intention is to do thirty minutes of yoga and thirty minutes of meditation and walk for an hour. Today I sat for 30 minutes stretched for ten and went to a yoga class. Then I walked to the bank for half an hour. It was freezing and I was proud of myself for going out at all. Walking to errands feels so good to me I get an extra woo hoo for that. Part of this is I know when I practice my disciplines I feel so much better. I am less reactive and more peaceful. I am more fun to be around both for myself and for others. The best plan is to do what I can and let go of what I can't. That means being kind to myself when my behavior doesn't measure up to my expectations. It is so easy to be focused on what's missing instead of what's there. Something is always missing and something is always there. Today at yoga there were 16 students. I made up a story that the teacher was a better teacher than I am because I have less students in my class. I caught myself in mid- "focusing on what's missing" mode and acknowledged myself for my awareness. Woo hoo for noticing focusing on what's missing. I felt jealous that the teacher was younger and more energetic than me and able to teach a more vigorous class. She also is able to tell her left hand from her right enough to mirror the poses which I do not. What do you know, here it is again. Focusing on what's missing mode. Woo hoo for noticing. So I say to myself and the little girl inside me," I am here for you with the focusing on what's missing mode. I can understand that you feel this way and I care about you. You are safe with me. It is safe to feel whatever you are feeling. I will be here. Andie, the little girl inside me, is sad. She doesn't like being criticized and compared to others. She wants to be loved for who she is. We feel the sadness together. Criticism activates a deep wound within me from my mom being so critical. This is an opportunity to release some of the layers of the pain-body. I learned if I criticize myself first, criticism from outside of me won't hurt so much. Now when I feel discomfort, I criticize myself. It was uncomfortable for me in the yoga class. There were things I wasn't flexible enough to do. I think because I am a teacher I should be able to do everything, and do it well, according to my expectations. Cutting myself some slack would be to notice the pain under the criticism and to soothe myself. I am triggered back to when I was a fat little kid who always got picked last for the kickball team. The captain would grimace and say," I guess I'll take her". I imagine holding Andie and saying, I am here for you. I know it is hard when other people can do what you can't. It's OK to be sad about that. You are a beautiful person however you play kickball. I love you and you are safe with me.
I pick you to play on my team. I can feel a smile and a releasing in my chest. My breath comes easier. I am aware that it is pretty cool that I am a student and teacher of yoga at sixty. Woo hoo! I am aware that I take really good care of myself. Woo hoo. I want to continue to take good care of myself by noticing what is and celebrating that. Writing this blog helps me to notice how well I am doing taking care of myself. Maybe this will spill over into my relationship with Gary.
If I can cut myself slack and be kinder I imagine I will be better able to do the same with him. It is quite an adjustment living with another person even if it is only four days a week. We are both challenged by how much we want to be in control. We both can be angry and critical when the other doesn't measure up to our expectations. It is my intention to be kinder to Gary and cut him more slack.
I also want to cut myself slack and soothe myself before I lash out at him. That is my intention. I want to notice when I am actually doing it and woo hoo myself and forgive myself and Gary when doing the best we can hurts each other.
How can you cut yourself some slack? What could you be easier on yourself about? What would that look like? Would you be willing to begin now?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Mastery
Happy 2011. In light of all of our intentions for the new year, I thought it might be helpful to you if I shared this way of looking at the process of change I have learned.
It's called Mastery and has four steps. Since my intention is be kinder to my hands and stop picking my nails this year I will apply my intention to this process. I hope it will make it clearer with my example and I hope to learn something to support my intention.
The first step in making a change is unconsciously incompetent. That is when I am picking my nails on automatic pilot, oblivious to my behavior.
Next is consciously incompetent. That requires effort and can be very challenging. It is when I know I am picking my nails and I am still doing it. I know I have the intention of letting go of this habit and I get to watch myself still doing it. The key here is conscious kindness rather than judgement. That looks like, "Oh, Andrea you must need attention right now" when I notice myself picking my nails, rather than " Oh God you are such a loser. Can't you do anything but pick your nails?"
The third step is consciously competent. That is when I make a plan and begin to mindfully carry it out. My plan is every time I notice myself picking my nails I will stop doing it for the moment, say woo hoo to myself for noticing, take a deep breath and bring my attention to what I am feeling. What I've noticed so far is that I am usually feeling worry about something specific or the free floating generalized kind of anxiey that I often experience. When either of these feelings have arisen in the past I have knee-jerked to picking my nails. I just noticed I was rubbing my finger across my thumbnail my nails in mid sentence writing this. I stopped woo hooed myself for noticing and tok a deep breath. I was aware that I was feeling some doubt about what to say next and wondering whether what I said was good enough. I breathed into my fear and soothed myself that I couldn't do it wrong. My writing doesn't have to be the epitome of brilliance and it's Ok not to know what to say next or how to say it. I am realizing as I work on conscious competence that I pick my nails in empty spaces rather than experiencing the emptiness that comes in pauses between things to do. It is such a strong habit. It is painful to see how much it is my default activity. I know that my plan is to give myself positive attention when I am in need of attention and that feels good.
It is hard for me to accept that picking my nails as much as I do is OK. Even when I pause at the end of a sentence one finger starts to rub another. It is easier to think that an evil demon is making me do it than it is to take responsibility for showing up for myself often enough to bring consciousness to this behavior pattern. It is a challenge to sit with the fear underneath it without judging myself. Judging myself for picking my nails is two steps away from showing up for myself with whatever it is I am feeling. Compassion allows me to bring loving attention to my fear.
I am in the ninth week of my third round of the presence process. Every time I do the process it is as if I have never done it before because I learn so much. This week's presence activating statement is, I love myself unconditionally. Michael Brown's definition of unconditional love is to show up for yourself with whatever you are feeling and allow yourself to have the experience you are having no matter what it is. I am practicing loving myself unconditionaly when I notice I am picking my nails, by allowing myself to move my attention away from the behavior to the feelings I am having underneath.
The forth step in the process of mastery is called unconscious competence. That is when the new behavior no longer requires effort. It has been incorporated into the natural flow of life. I think unconscious competence is a gradual process. What I think it will look like for me is that gradually it will become easier and easier to notice when I am picking my nails and to be kind to myself about doing it. Slowly I will notice I am picking my nails less and less and being kinder to my hands more and more. I will become more comfortable with being present with my fear more often. As I experience and release the fear more and more space will be created to be present with whatever is happening in the moment. This increased present moment awareness will bring an increased richness to my life. I imagine it will be easier to be playful and to have fun and that I will have less resistence to challenging experiences. After all, pain is part of life and suffering is resisting that pain. I so appreciate my hands for being the vehicle for me to begin to look at my fear in a deeper way. Now it is time to put lotion on my hands and take them to bed. Thanks for listening. I hope it was useful to you. How might you apply this process of mastery to what you want for yourself in 2011?
It's called Mastery and has four steps. Since my intention is be kinder to my hands and stop picking my nails this year I will apply my intention to this process. I hope it will make it clearer with my example and I hope to learn something to support my intention.
The first step in making a change is unconsciously incompetent. That is when I am picking my nails on automatic pilot, oblivious to my behavior.
Next is consciously incompetent. That requires effort and can be very challenging. It is when I know I am picking my nails and I am still doing it. I know I have the intention of letting go of this habit and I get to watch myself still doing it. The key here is conscious kindness rather than judgement. That looks like, "Oh, Andrea you must need attention right now" when I notice myself picking my nails, rather than " Oh God you are such a loser. Can't you do anything but pick your nails?"
The third step is consciously competent. That is when I make a plan and begin to mindfully carry it out. My plan is every time I notice myself picking my nails I will stop doing it for the moment, say woo hoo to myself for noticing, take a deep breath and bring my attention to what I am feeling. What I've noticed so far is that I am usually feeling worry about something specific or the free floating generalized kind of anxiey that I often experience. When either of these feelings have arisen in the past I have knee-jerked to picking my nails. I just noticed I was rubbing my finger across my thumbnail my nails in mid sentence writing this. I stopped woo hooed myself for noticing and tok a deep breath. I was aware that I was feeling some doubt about what to say next and wondering whether what I said was good enough. I breathed into my fear and soothed myself that I couldn't do it wrong. My writing doesn't have to be the epitome of brilliance and it's Ok not to know what to say next or how to say it. I am realizing as I work on conscious competence that I pick my nails in empty spaces rather than experiencing the emptiness that comes in pauses between things to do. It is such a strong habit. It is painful to see how much it is my default activity. I know that my plan is to give myself positive attention when I am in need of attention and that feels good.
It is hard for me to accept that picking my nails as much as I do is OK. Even when I pause at the end of a sentence one finger starts to rub another. It is easier to think that an evil demon is making me do it than it is to take responsibility for showing up for myself often enough to bring consciousness to this behavior pattern. It is a challenge to sit with the fear underneath it without judging myself. Judging myself for picking my nails is two steps away from showing up for myself with whatever it is I am feeling. Compassion allows me to bring loving attention to my fear.
I am in the ninth week of my third round of the presence process. Every time I do the process it is as if I have never done it before because I learn so much. This week's presence activating statement is, I love myself unconditionally. Michael Brown's definition of unconditional love is to show up for yourself with whatever you are feeling and allow yourself to have the experience you are having no matter what it is. I am practicing loving myself unconditionaly when I notice I am picking my nails, by allowing myself to move my attention away from the behavior to the feelings I am having underneath.
The forth step in the process of mastery is called unconscious competence. That is when the new behavior no longer requires effort. It has been incorporated into the natural flow of life. I think unconscious competence is a gradual process. What I think it will look like for me is that gradually it will become easier and easier to notice when I am picking my nails and to be kind to myself about doing it. Slowly I will notice I am picking my nails less and less and being kinder to my hands more and more. I will become more comfortable with being present with my fear more often. As I experience and release the fear more and more space will be created to be present with whatever is happening in the moment. This increased present moment awareness will bring an increased richness to my life. I imagine it will be easier to be playful and to have fun and that I will have less resistence to challenging experiences. After all, pain is part of life and suffering is resisting that pain. I so appreciate my hands for being the vehicle for me to begin to look at my fear in a deeper way. Now it is time to put lotion on my hands and take them to bed. Thanks for listening. I hope it was useful to you. How might you apply this process of mastery to what you want for yourself in 2011?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Two houses
I have wanted to live in Boulder all of my adult life and now I do. Not only that but I live in my dream house. Our house was built as if expressly for Gary and I.
Because I tend to focus on what's missing, I have looked hard to find what is missing and haven't yet. It sure messes with that strategy. I still go to Denver on Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday to work and participate in my other activities here. I have even put, " This is my Denver counseling office on my phone message." My Denver house , although I still love and appreciate it doesn't feel like home anymore. My new house in Boulder feels like paradise. I love being up in the hills and the view is so soothing to me. The truth is that even though I feel incredibly blessed to live there, it doesn't feel like home either. It is hard for me to talk about this on my blog because I judge myself, "How can I be whining about not being at home in either of my two houses? Give me a break. Some people would give anything to have one house. What a greedy little brat you are." This is another opportunity to notice how strong my judging mind is and how unkind I can be to myself and to practice conscious kindness with myself.I can soothe myself by saying to myself, "I am here for you with what you are feeling." and go down into my body to feel the emptiness that is underneath the story. Feeling the emptiness lets me know I am moving really fast and have been disconnected from myself. I am even typing this blog really fast because I have been immersed in the sense of not having enough time since I began to live in two houses. It seems so challenging to do all I need to do in both places and to remember what I need to have when I am going from one house to another. My daughter grew up with two houses from the time her father and I split up when she was six and a half. She would leave a piece of clothing she wanted at her other house and all of her feelings of anger and grief would come tumbling out. It gives me a lot more empathy for what she went through. I also know that feeling like a place being home takes time. Maybe it takes a whole year of going through all of the events that occur in a year. Maybe feeling at home developes gradually a little at a time until one day there is a realization of a deeper sense of comfort and safety. It is an adjustment to live with Gary. I am used to only really relaxing when I am by myself. I have been noticing my rules about what I can and can't do when I am around him and bringing awareness to them. Some I am ready to challenge and some I notice and table action on them for later. I have started calling my friends and family around him and I haven't started going to yoga classes when we are together. At least I am no longer picking a fight with him to get alone time. That is progress. I am so used to us seeing each other so infrequently that I need to relax into knowing there is enough time for me to do what I want to do. That is the pervasive theme in my life right now, that I run around acting as if there isn't enough time to relax and do what I want to do. The first step is to notice the urgency and breathe into it. I paused from writing this and took three deep breaths. In the middle I looked at my clock and started to figure out if I could make juice, call Gary at his Mom's and get to my Wings group on time. This slowing down process could takes some serious work. It's not that I wasn't urgent before. It seems like the urgency division of my ego identity has run amuck. Compassion is needed. Conscious kindness would be to notice the urgency and show up for myself lovingly rather than judging myself for it. The urgency police will not help with the sense of urgency. Forgiveness and acceptance will help. I notice that accepting being overwhelmed makes life less overwhelming. I think part of this adjustment is to continue to set clear priorities about what is important to me to do and what is less important. Also having patience with myself as I adjust to my new life will be helpful. I want to remember to say woo hoo to myself each time I notice the urgency and each time I allow myself to breathe deeply, too. Writing this blog is very important and I am very grateful to have this forum to share my process and see it reflected back to me. I appreciate your reading this. I wish you all a New Year filled with conscious kindness, taking care of yourself and showing up for yourself to experience whatever is in your path.
With love,
Andrea
Because I tend to focus on what's missing, I have looked hard to find what is missing and haven't yet. It sure messes with that strategy. I still go to Denver on Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday to work and participate in my other activities here. I have even put, " This is my Denver counseling office on my phone message." My Denver house , although I still love and appreciate it doesn't feel like home anymore. My new house in Boulder feels like paradise. I love being up in the hills and the view is so soothing to me. The truth is that even though I feel incredibly blessed to live there, it doesn't feel like home either. It is hard for me to talk about this on my blog because I judge myself, "How can I be whining about not being at home in either of my two houses? Give me a break. Some people would give anything to have one house. What a greedy little brat you are." This is another opportunity to notice how strong my judging mind is and how unkind I can be to myself and to practice conscious kindness with myself.I can soothe myself by saying to myself, "I am here for you with what you are feeling." and go down into my body to feel the emptiness that is underneath the story. Feeling the emptiness lets me know I am moving really fast and have been disconnected from myself. I am even typing this blog really fast because I have been immersed in the sense of not having enough time since I began to live in two houses. It seems so challenging to do all I need to do in both places and to remember what I need to have when I am going from one house to another. My daughter grew up with two houses from the time her father and I split up when she was six and a half. She would leave a piece of clothing she wanted at her other house and all of her feelings of anger and grief would come tumbling out. It gives me a lot more empathy for what she went through. I also know that feeling like a place being home takes time. Maybe it takes a whole year of going through all of the events that occur in a year. Maybe feeling at home developes gradually a little at a time until one day there is a realization of a deeper sense of comfort and safety. It is an adjustment to live with Gary. I am used to only really relaxing when I am by myself. I have been noticing my rules about what I can and can't do when I am around him and bringing awareness to them. Some I am ready to challenge and some I notice and table action on them for later. I have started calling my friends and family around him and I haven't started going to yoga classes when we are together. At least I am no longer picking a fight with him to get alone time. That is progress. I am so used to us seeing each other so infrequently that I need to relax into knowing there is enough time for me to do what I want to do. That is the pervasive theme in my life right now, that I run around acting as if there isn't enough time to relax and do what I want to do. The first step is to notice the urgency and breathe into it. I paused from writing this and took three deep breaths. In the middle I looked at my clock and started to figure out if I could make juice, call Gary at his Mom's and get to my Wings group on time. This slowing down process could takes some serious work. It's not that I wasn't urgent before. It seems like the urgency division of my ego identity has run amuck. Compassion is needed. Conscious kindness would be to notice the urgency and show up for myself lovingly rather than judging myself for it. The urgency police will not help with the sense of urgency. Forgiveness and acceptance will help. I notice that accepting being overwhelmed makes life less overwhelming. I think part of this adjustment is to continue to set clear priorities about what is important to me to do and what is less important. Also having patience with myself as I adjust to my new life will be helpful. I want to remember to say woo hoo to myself each time I notice the urgency and each time I allow myself to breathe deeply, too. Writing this blog is very important and I am very grateful to have this forum to share my process and see it reflected back to me. I appreciate your reading this. I wish you all a New Year filled with conscious kindness, taking care of yourself and showing up for yourself to experience whatever is in your path.
With love,
Andrea
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Costa Rica
The weather was warm and clear in Montezuma, Costa Rica, where we were renting a lovely vacation home about a fifteen minute walk from town. We had planned to stay there a week and go to Dominical but the weather was cold and rainy there so we opted to spend our entire trip in one place. It was delicious to have almost two weeks to settle in, get comfortable and make connections with warm-hearted people. Every day we walked down the steep dirt road breathing in dust as cars, motorcycles and ATVs, passed by, often at breakneck speeds. We decided not to rent a car because it would be more of an adventure to use public transportation and to walk. Every evening after we walked on the beach and swam at beautiful waterfalls and hung out by the river we would stick out our thumbs and hitch-hike home. Neither of us had hitched for twenty years. Gary was a major hitchhiker in his younger days- hitching from Colorado to California four times. We met interesting people, got a chance to ride in the back of several trucks and had the opportunity to practice Spanish.
We met a zesty Turkish woman who opened up a vegan restaurant called Organico's. She had come to Montezuma four years before for a week long yoga retreat, fell in love with the place, and decided to come back and open up a restaurant. She never had been in the restaurant business before. The week we got there she had changed the format of her restaurant and cut back on her hours of operation and her menu selections. She began to offer her space for people to teach classes on a donation basis. That way she could support her passion for yoga and meditation and ease off on her tendencies toward work-aholism. I was in bliss. There was a different yoga or meditation class every day. I think when people offer classes on a donation basis they tend to experiment more and are often more creative. I got to lead laughter yoga,too. Gary and I had a beginning merenge lesson. It is fun to dance together, even though I have a hard time following. Learning partner dancing supports my intention to let go of control and learn to surrender. We'd both like to do more of it. Two of our friends in Boulder are Salsa devotees and we plan to get some coaching from them.
Gary had been struggling with whether to rebuild his rock cutting business. He lost all of his inventory and machinery in the fire. In Montezuma where the river meets the ocean he found beautiful rocks and reignited his rock cutting passion by bringing a few home. Every day he would sit in the river and peruse the beautiful brightly colored rocks. It was wonderful to see him so engaged and happy. I got into looking at rocks too. It felt like a treasure hunt. I don't think I ever really understood his devotion for rocks and now I do. It helped me to understand who he is because he has spent the last thirty five years cutting rocks. I know what it would be like for me not to be able to do my work because I love it so much. Now I can see Gary's love for his work much more clearly and feel so much more compassion for him for losing his whole business in the fire. Now he is excited about rebuilding his shop in our new garage and cutting rocks again. Woo hoo!
Another high point of the trip was meeting the loving and spiritually committed Canadian couple who were the caretakers of the home we were staying in. We had stimulating talks and shared many common interests and values. It is a blessing to find another couple that Gary and I both resonate with.We hope to continue nurturing our friendship by e-mail. They turned us on to the weekly organic food market. I was craving healthy greens as the only lettuce the stores had was iceberg. The veggies were fresh and plentiful and I stocked up. We had a kitchen so the second week the healthy delicious meals we were cooking got even better. The best part of the trip was having the opportunity to spend so much loving positive time with Gary. We are getting more skilled at resolving conflict and using it to get closer. I feel safer and safer being myself with him. I am grateful to have a partner I can grow with. My next step is to recommitt to being creatively expressive when we are together. I want to sing and dance and laugh and sculpt more. That is my intention for the new year.
I want to thank you for reading my blog this year. It is so important to me to share my life with you in this way. I want to wish you a holiday season of self-awareness and the willingness to be consciously kind to yourself. May we all give ourselves the gifts of acceptance and forgiveness. Thanks for sharing this wondrous adventure called life with me. Feel free to write to me and let me know how my blog is impacting you and how you are doing. Happy Holidays.
With love, Andrea
We met a zesty Turkish woman who opened up a vegan restaurant called Organico's. She had come to Montezuma four years before for a week long yoga retreat, fell in love with the place, and decided to come back and open up a restaurant. She never had been in the restaurant business before. The week we got there she had changed the format of her restaurant and cut back on her hours of operation and her menu selections. She began to offer her space for people to teach classes on a donation basis. That way she could support her passion for yoga and meditation and ease off on her tendencies toward work-aholism. I was in bliss. There was a different yoga or meditation class every day. I think when people offer classes on a donation basis they tend to experiment more and are often more creative. I got to lead laughter yoga,too. Gary and I had a beginning merenge lesson. It is fun to dance together, even though I have a hard time following. Learning partner dancing supports my intention to let go of control and learn to surrender. We'd both like to do more of it. Two of our friends in Boulder are Salsa devotees and we plan to get some coaching from them.
Gary had been struggling with whether to rebuild his rock cutting business. He lost all of his inventory and machinery in the fire. In Montezuma where the river meets the ocean he found beautiful rocks and reignited his rock cutting passion by bringing a few home. Every day he would sit in the river and peruse the beautiful brightly colored rocks. It was wonderful to see him so engaged and happy. I got into looking at rocks too. It felt like a treasure hunt. I don't think I ever really understood his devotion for rocks and now I do. It helped me to understand who he is because he has spent the last thirty five years cutting rocks. I know what it would be like for me not to be able to do my work because I love it so much. Now I can see Gary's love for his work much more clearly and feel so much more compassion for him for losing his whole business in the fire. Now he is excited about rebuilding his shop in our new garage and cutting rocks again. Woo hoo!
Another high point of the trip was meeting the loving and spiritually committed Canadian couple who were the caretakers of the home we were staying in. We had stimulating talks and shared many common interests and values. It is a blessing to find another couple that Gary and I both resonate with.We hope to continue nurturing our friendship by e-mail. They turned us on to the weekly organic food market. I was craving healthy greens as the only lettuce the stores had was iceberg. The veggies were fresh and plentiful and I stocked up. We had a kitchen so the second week the healthy delicious meals we were cooking got even better. The best part of the trip was having the opportunity to spend so much loving positive time with Gary. We are getting more skilled at resolving conflict and using it to get closer. I feel safer and safer being myself with him. I am grateful to have a partner I can grow with. My next step is to recommitt to being creatively expressive when we are together. I want to sing and dance and laugh and sculpt more. That is my intention for the new year.
I want to thank you for reading my blog this year. It is so important to me to share my life with you in this way. I want to wish you a holiday season of self-awareness and the willingness to be consciously kind to yourself. May we all give ourselves the gifts of acceptance and forgiveness. Thanks for sharing this wondrous adventure called life with me. Feel free to write to me and let me know how my blog is impacting you and how you are doing. Happy Holidays.
With love, Andrea
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Emotional vulnerability
It seems to me that emotional vulnerability creates closeness. When I am feeling distant from Gary and he tells me what he is feeling, something inside me melts. It is probably the armoring around my heart. He doesn't have to tell me what he is feeling about me or our relationship. It can be sharing his feelings in an authentic way about almost anything. He says,"I am scared about getting my teeth worked on in Costa Rica." That gets my attention and it is as if a little tunnel of connection has been created between his heart and mine. I am interested and want to know more. If he says," the weather in Costa Rica will be 70 degrees. " I take it in and nod as it passes over my attention. It would probably behoove me to listen more whole-earedly to information such as this because then I would know what the weather in Costa Rica is like and I wouldn't have had to e-mail Gary about it just now.
When I work with couples I invite them to look at sharing their feelings in a vulnerable way as an opportunity to get closer. It's hard to believe that sharing" I am feeling flat and protected."
would draw two people together. Feeling flat and protected and acting on the feeling by withdrawing and not communicating forfeits the opportunity to feel accepted for a feeling we might not be proud of. Sharing those shadow feelings which we think noone in their right mind would want to stick around with and having our partner stick around is so nourishing. Most of us were loved conditionally by our parents and learned to love ourselves conditionally also. When we share a feeling that we ourselves find unacceptable and are accepted by our partners it can heal multiple layers of the pain body. It can trigger deep grief as we experience and release all the times we were shamed for being who were really were in the past. When I shared with Gary my feelings of aversion about fat and how scared I am about being fat again he heard me. It was very different from when I told him I needed him to lose twenty pounds for me to be in relationship with him. Luckily, we both have become more skillful about taking responsibility for our own feelings and sharing them by owning them. In the height of emotion it is such a challenge to be emotionally vulnerable. When Gary wants to have sex way more than I do instead of blaming him and telling him he's like a hungry, panting dog, I take a deep breath and share that I feel inadequte and scared that there is something wrong with me. Even if I share that the whole sexual issue makes me want to run out the door in frustration, it is way more connecting than literally running out the door or figuratively leaving by dissociating or pretending to be asleep. If I share honestly about how I am feeling about having sex even if it isn't positive, I tend to feel more open hearted. Then if Gary shares how he is feeling with me, I might be much more open to being physically intimate. Emotional vulnerability can be foreplay.
When I feel safe to share my feelings it is easier to be vulnerable and that vulnerability creates emotional intimacy. Often there is a crossroads in a relationship where there is a choice about moving toward creating more safety and therefore being more vulnerable which creates more closeness, or moving away from each other because of feelings of lack of safety. Maybe sharing how unsafe it feels to be vulnerable would even be a vehicle for connection. It is vital to give each other the experience of being heard and validated. It can be so hurtful to have our vulnerability ignored or judged or met with defensiveness. It seems like sharing what each of us needs to feel safe being vulnerable and deeply listening to each other would be a good springboard. I notice when another person shares authentically from the heart and I deeply listen the energy of our connectedness comes more into my awareness. I can feel that transpersonal field that we are all a part of that joins us together as one. Sometimes that is called compassion. It seems to me that having the courage to be emotionallly vulnerable expands our ability to experience oneness. What do you think?
I will be writing again the week of December 20th when I return from my trip. Love to all of you, Andrea
When I work with couples I invite them to look at sharing their feelings in a vulnerable way as an opportunity to get closer. It's hard to believe that sharing" I am feeling flat and protected."
would draw two people together. Feeling flat and protected and acting on the feeling by withdrawing and not communicating forfeits the opportunity to feel accepted for a feeling we might not be proud of. Sharing those shadow feelings which we think noone in their right mind would want to stick around with and having our partner stick around is so nourishing. Most of us were loved conditionally by our parents and learned to love ourselves conditionally also. When we share a feeling that we ourselves find unacceptable and are accepted by our partners it can heal multiple layers of the pain body. It can trigger deep grief as we experience and release all the times we were shamed for being who were really were in the past. When I shared with Gary my feelings of aversion about fat and how scared I am about being fat again he heard me. It was very different from when I told him I needed him to lose twenty pounds for me to be in relationship with him. Luckily, we both have become more skillful about taking responsibility for our own feelings and sharing them by owning them. In the height of emotion it is such a challenge to be emotionally vulnerable. When Gary wants to have sex way more than I do instead of blaming him and telling him he's like a hungry, panting dog, I take a deep breath and share that I feel inadequte and scared that there is something wrong with me. Even if I share that the whole sexual issue makes me want to run out the door in frustration, it is way more connecting than literally running out the door or figuratively leaving by dissociating or pretending to be asleep. If I share honestly about how I am feeling about having sex even if it isn't positive, I tend to feel more open hearted. Then if Gary shares how he is feeling with me, I might be much more open to being physically intimate. Emotional vulnerability can be foreplay.
When I feel safe to share my feelings it is easier to be vulnerable and that vulnerability creates emotional intimacy. Often there is a crossroads in a relationship where there is a choice about moving toward creating more safety and therefore being more vulnerable which creates more closeness, or moving away from each other because of feelings of lack of safety. Maybe sharing how unsafe it feels to be vulnerable would even be a vehicle for connection. It is vital to give each other the experience of being heard and validated. It can be so hurtful to have our vulnerability ignored or judged or met with defensiveness. It seems like sharing what each of us needs to feel safe being vulnerable and deeply listening to each other would be a good springboard. I notice when another person shares authentically from the heart and I deeply listen the energy of our connectedness comes more into my awareness. I can feel that transpersonal field that we are all a part of that joins us together as one. Sometimes that is called compassion. It seems to me that having the courage to be emotionallly vulnerable expands our ability to experience oneness. What do you think?
I will be writing again the week of December 20th when I return from my trip. Love to all of you, Andrea
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Courage: raw and ripe
I just finished an article by Sally Klempton about courage. It was called Brave Heart. She writes the wisdom column for yoga journal and I eagerly await learning from her wisdom every month. She talked about the difference between raw courage and ripe courage. Raw courage comes from desire and zeal. It is an emotional act often involving danger that can be thought out or impulsive. Ripe courage, on the other hand, is a risk to trust in something greater than ourselves. It is a conscious act of surrender to what our inner intuition tells us is the right thing to do. Sally speaks about how courage is different for different people. To me most acts of courage are both raw and ripe. They take a leap of faith and a willingness to act in the face of fear. All acts of courage involve a risk. It might be a physical or emotional risk of doing something we wonder if we can do, pushing past our fears and doing it anyway. I sang a gospel song with all the people at my friends' Janet and Miguel's wedding. It was Love is the Healing Power. I taught it to the group and then we sang it in the honor of Janet and Miguel's love. I was scared and pushed through my fear and did it anyway. I had an intuition that it would bring the diverse group together. I shortened the length of the song because the leader of the ceremony was worried that there wouldn't be time for everyone who wanted to share. I pushed past my pattern of shrinking when I feel criticized or rushed and finished the shortened version. It felt like a worthy contribution and was heart-felt and fun. That took courage mostly raw with a little ripe.
My biggest act of courage of late is to push past my long term fear of commitment and buy a house with Gary. When bouts of terror come up I sit with them and allow myself to feel my fear. That makes space for the excitement I feel about my beautiful home in Boulder. My ego has alot to say about how I am doing it wrong. Maybe part of courage is to risk the ego's wrath in doing things that upset our own status quo. My inner guide is smiling and pleased. I am trusting in the divine energy that brought us together and surrendering to that inner knowing.
Gary and I got engaged on Saturday. We also got engaged two years ago. I lasted five days and was so filled with terror I asked to be unengaged. Luckily Gary is a very patient man who courageously trusted that our relationship was right through all of my fears and doubts. This time I am much more relaxed. I have better tools to deal with my fear. I know that a certain intense level of anxiety about my relationship with the man I love is my ego's chief distraction from my being present. I am on to the judgements that kept me suffering in ambivalence for five years. I am ready to face my fears and embrace my fiance. I really like the sound of the word fiance- it's thrilling to me. This has been a long challenging journey through my fears. This is the first time in my life when I actually have both feet in a relationship, not one out the door. Loving Gary as a fallible wonderful human being for all of who he is doesn't mean I always have to like him. I know the capacity to love and accept him as he is comes from my growing sense of self-love and self-acceptance. I have the capacity to accept a partner now. Waves of love wash over me at unexpected moments and I am bathed in gratefulness to share this level of love with another human being. It is a miracle to me, given my difficult relationship history,to be given the chance to trust in a man and to love wholeheartedly at the age of sixty. I have always wanted a spiritual partner, even before I even had the concept of using a relationship to heal the pain body by triggering it and using the healing process to get closer to God. It takes a brave heart to open up to receiving what I have always wanted. Woo Hoo! How about you?
How is your heart brave? What can you recognize in yourself about courage raw and ripe?
My biggest act of courage of late is to push past my long term fear of commitment and buy a house with Gary. When bouts of terror come up I sit with them and allow myself to feel my fear. That makes space for the excitement I feel about my beautiful home in Boulder. My ego has alot to say about how I am doing it wrong. Maybe part of courage is to risk the ego's wrath in doing things that upset our own status quo. My inner guide is smiling and pleased. I am trusting in the divine energy that brought us together and surrendering to that inner knowing.
Gary and I got engaged on Saturday. We also got engaged two years ago. I lasted five days and was so filled with terror I asked to be unengaged. Luckily Gary is a very patient man who courageously trusted that our relationship was right through all of my fears and doubts. This time I am much more relaxed. I have better tools to deal with my fear. I know that a certain intense level of anxiety about my relationship with the man I love is my ego's chief distraction from my being present. I am on to the judgements that kept me suffering in ambivalence for five years. I am ready to face my fears and embrace my fiance. I really like the sound of the word fiance- it's thrilling to me. This has been a long challenging journey through my fears. This is the first time in my life when I actually have both feet in a relationship, not one out the door. Loving Gary as a fallible wonderful human being for all of who he is doesn't mean I always have to like him. I know the capacity to love and accept him as he is comes from my growing sense of self-love and self-acceptance. I have the capacity to accept a partner now. Waves of love wash over me at unexpected moments and I am bathed in gratefulness to share this level of love with another human being. It is a miracle to me, given my difficult relationship history,to be given the chance to trust in a man and to love wholeheartedly at the age of sixty. I have always wanted a spiritual partner, even before I even had the concept of using a relationship to heal the pain body by triggering it and using the healing process to get closer to God. It takes a brave heart to open up to receiving what I have always wanted. Woo Hoo! How about you?
How is your heart brave? What can you recognize in yourself about courage raw and ripe?
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Woo Hoo
I have been thinking this week about the bar. Not the one you go to drink in but the one I set and expect myself to live up to but don't ever measure up to. This bar is set just a little higher than I can be or do. The bar is set so feeling satisfied is always just a little out of my reach. I made up the idea of this bar that I use to prove to myself that I am doing it wrong and am never quite good enough. This bar that tells me that I can't relax and enjoy my life. I have to try harder do more and be better. My conditioning helps support this bar. My parents focused on what I didn't yet accomplish or what I could-a should-a would-a done better rather than acknowledging who I was and what I had done. They didn't do it out of meanness. They didn't want me to be conceited or to have a swelled head. They wanted to prepare me for their world. They wanted to teach me to always set my bar just a little higher than I could achieve. Otherwise, I think they were afraid I would sit around and eat bonbons and expect the world to give me what I wanted. I tried to make them happy and set my bar out of my reach. I learned to look outside myself to measure my own worth and never quite measure up. I learned well. The skill-set of not quite enoughness has been finely honed over years of practice. I have learned to parent myself in the way I was parented.
However, somehow I knew there was another way. When it came to parenting my daughter Monnya I used praise and encouragement to support her in motivating herself. She has high expectations of herself and works hard to do what she wants to do and she can give herself credit for a job well-enough done.
Now it is my turn to parent myself in the way I parented and let go of how I was parented myself. I want to be a Mom to myself like I am to Monnya. Andie, my little girl inside deserves the same praise and encouragement.
I started with the thought, "What would I say to Monnya if I wanted to celebrate her? I would say "Woo-hoo!" just like she does. So my new project is to remember to say, Woo hoo to myself and acknowlwdge myself for what I feel good enough about. For instance, I allowed myself not to exersize aerobically when we were moving. I didn't die. Woo hoo! I volunteered to do a demo session and make myself vulnerable at a workshop. Woo hoo. I relaxed and made love with Gary even though I thought I didn't have time and enjoyed myself. Woo hoo! I say courageously vulnerable things on this blog. Woo hoo. When my bar reappears in its old form I can say woo hoo to myself for noticing how it feels in my body to bludgeon myself with that bar. I can decorate it with flowers and swing from it. I can take my hand over my head and imagine setting my judgements off to the side and say woo hoo to myself for doing that. I can say woo hoo for allowing myself to feel the relief in my body as my stomach relaxes. I can say woo hoo to myself for remembering to say woo hoo. What would you say to yourself to celebrate yourself? Would you be willing to start using that phrase to acknowledge yourself for who you are and what you do? Woo hoo! Woo hoo to you just for being you. Thank you for reading my blog.
However, somehow I knew there was another way. When it came to parenting my daughter Monnya I used praise and encouragement to support her in motivating herself. She has high expectations of herself and works hard to do what she wants to do and she can give herself credit for a job well-enough done.
Now it is my turn to parent myself in the way I parented and let go of how I was parented myself. I want to be a Mom to myself like I am to Monnya. Andie, my little girl inside deserves the same praise and encouragement.
I started with the thought, "What would I say to Monnya if I wanted to celebrate her? I would say "Woo-hoo!" just like she does. So my new project is to remember to say, Woo hoo to myself and acknowlwdge myself for what I feel good enough about. For instance, I allowed myself not to exersize aerobically when we were moving. I didn't die. Woo hoo! I volunteered to do a demo session and make myself vulnerable at a workshop. Woo hoo. I relaxed and made love with Gary even though I thought I didn't have time and enjoyed myself. Woo hoo! I say courageously vulnerable things on this blog. Woo hoo. When my bar reappears in its old form I can say woo hoo to myself for noticing how it feels in my body to bludgeon myself with that bar. I can decorate it with flowers and swing from it. I can take my hand over my head and imagine setting my judgements off to the side and say woo hoo to myself for doing that. I can say woo hoo for allowing myself to feel the relief in my body as my stomach relaxes. I can say woo hoo to myself for remembering to say woo hoo. What would you say to yourself to celebrate yourself? Would you be willing to start using that phrase to acknowledge yourself for who you are and what you do? Woo hoo! Woo hoo to you just for being you. Thank you for reading my blog.
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