As I write this my brother is in surgery in Boulder. He is having a quadruple bypass. It was supposed to be scheduled for 11am today and I just found out they didn't start until 5 tonight. I am very glad I called the hospital because now I'm not expecting it to be over anytime soon. The surgery takes from 5-10 hours. My father had a quadruple bypass also. He was 66. My brother is 56. My heart hurts. Physically it hurts because of that primordial connection that blood creates. My heart also hurst for the men in my family and how hard it is for both of them to be in touch with their hearts I hope this will help my brother to open his heart. I looked at a picture of him as a toddler today. He had so much light in his face. I know that little boy is still inside of him. My brother has been smoking marijuana daily since he was about 13. I have struggled with our relationship because he has been so self-centered. He talks compulsively and never say, "How are you?" He has pushed away most of the people who care about him. I had been communicating with him mostly through short e-mails. It was important to me to stay in some from of contact with him. When he called to say he was in the hospital with pneumonia I wanted to feel more than duty. I care about him and was holding a lot of resentment. Since that phone call I have been working with myself to open my heart so I can show up without resentment. I have talked to him on the phone regularly. When I can't listen anymore I get off the phone. Then he found out his heart was obstructed and he needed this surgery. I went to visit and we talked about how he pushes people away. I shared some of what I resented. He is starting to take some responsibility for all of his estranged relationships. He agreed to go to counseling when he gets out of the hospital.
When my Dad had this surgery it opened his heart. For six months he was emotionally available and vulnerable. It was joyous to be able to connect with him. I felt closer to him as I had always wanted to be. After about six months his heart began to shut down again. I remember feeling such a sense of loss. I am grateful that for six months my Dad let his emotions be known. Maybe my brother will have a heart-opening experience and turn his life around. I feel much more connected to him. This has been a good teaching about seeing past another's ego. I love my brother and I am glad to be in touch with that love.
I am learning to let go of my expectations and be present and show up. It seems important to know when to keep putting energy into a relationship and when it is time to back off and let go. Neither one is right or wrong. Have you had this dilema with someone in your life?
What has that been like for you? As long as we keep putting energy into our relationship with ourselves it is easier to be clear about what form of relationship to have with others.
Loving and accepting ourselves as we are means honoring that sometimes we need to set clear boundaries with others to honor and respect ourselves. If you feel like doing so, send my brother some energy for healing. His name is Ben. Thanks for listening.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Taking back the night
The people who help me to maintain my car used to own a gas station on the corner of my street. I could easily take my car in and walk home. I learned to trust them. They have taken good care of my car for the eight years I have had it. It is fourteen and still running strong. Three years ago they moved about 2 1/2 miles away. I decided to build in my exercise into the days I needed to take my car in by dropping it off and walking home and walking back after my car is done. I love using walking for transportation so the arrangement worked well. Tomorrow I have to take my car in. I wanted more exercise than I got today. I decided to drop my car off after my PSYCH-K practice group tonight at 9:30. I knew it would be very cold so I dressed in my warmest clothes and checked in with myself to make sure it really felt safe. I have always been attracted to danger so I have to be careful to be wise in choosing my adventures. I've walked at night by myself in my neighborhood before and felt mostly safe. This was a stretch beyond my immediate neighborhood. I figured I had done this walk many times and knew it well. What I didn't reckon for was all of the ice. It was a good exercise in mindfulness because I had to be very aware of where I was putting my feet. I walked briskly and paid close attention to my surroundings. It was exhilarating to be alone in the cold night. I noticed Christmas decorations in a different because I was moving so much slower than whizzing by in a car.
I didn't notice the moon or see any stars. I'm not sure if that is because it was cloudy or because I didn't notice. Walking out of my front door just now, I realized there are stars visible in the sky. I guess I was too focused on what was in front of me to look up. When we were in Mexico we spent each evening on the beach looking at the stars. It is sad to me how rarely I notice them in the city. I used to go outside and look at the moon and sometimes even howl at it. Of late I have gotten way too used to being inside. Tonight inspired me to begin to at least notice the moon. I feel a strong connection with with the moon and I call it grandmother moon. When Monnya was in India we used to both gaze at the moon and think of each other . We called it moon mail. I am home safe and sound. It'sgood to have adventures so I have something to write about. I feel as if I have taken back the night. It is mine now in a different way because I stretched out of my comfort zone. To someone else this wouldn't have been a big deal at all and another wouldn't even consider doing something like that. What we each consider an adventure is unique. Would you like to give yourself an adventure? What could it be?
I didn't notice the moon or see any stars. I'm not sure if that is because it was cloudy or because I didn't notice. Walking out of my front door just now, I realized there are stars visible in the sky. I guess I was too focused on what was in front of me to look up. When we were in Mexico we spent each evening on the beach looking at the stars. It is sad to me how rarely I notice them in the city. I used to go outside and look at the moon and sometimes even howl at it. Of late I have gotten way too used to being inside. Tonight inspired me to begin to at least notice the moon. I feel a strong connection with with the moon and I call it grandmother moon. When Monnya was in India we used to both gaze at the moon and think of each other . We called it moon mail. I am home safe and sound. It'sgood to have adventures so I have something to write about. I feel as if I have taken back the night. It is mine now in a different way because I stretched out of my comfort zone. To someone else this wouldn't have been a big deal at all and another wouldn't even consider doing something like that. What we each consider an adventure is unique. Would you like to give yourself an adventure? What could it be?
Monday, December 15, 2008
Reaching out
At this time of year it is important to remember to reach out to people we feel a genuine connection with. There's lots of busyness and the pace can be faster than usual. You may be involved in holiday parties where you are around people. That can feel very lonely if you aren't giving yourself the gift of connecting with the people you love. Who do you feel comfortable enough to be yourself with? When was the last time you reached out to that person? For me, it is easy to isolate myself especially when it is cold. I am learning to call and say," I was thinking about you and wanted to connect." I love when a friend does that with me. Sometimes I talk myself out of reaching out for various reasons. "It's been too long. Why couldn't he or she pick up a phone and call me? This person is way too busy and doesn't have time for me. I am way too busy and don't have time to call." E-mail is also a viable way to connect. I would rather receive a warm e-mail than have no contact at all. When we feel separate and afraid to reach out the ego is in control. At the end of life noone ever says," I wish I would've gotten more things crossed off of my to do list. People are more often regrettful about not spending more time with people they love.
Connecting doesn't have to be around mainlining sugar. Take a walk or have tea and talk.
At this time of year when it seems there is so much to do it is most important to slow down and bring awareness within. Being single and not having family around can be very challenging during the holidays, so can having family around. The opportunity is to honor ourselves in the midst of whatever. What does reaching out to myself look like?
I just watched a movie about Louise Hay where she suggested standing in front of the mirror and looking deeply into your own eyes and saying, " I love and accept myself as I am." I have been doing it today and it really helps me to appreciate myself and feel connected. That 's where connnection starts. Try it. Using the affirmation doesn't necessarily make it feel true. It just shifts the energy toward appreciation. It feels good to me to counteract my inner critical voice with a loving one. Looking into my eyes makes me feel seen and saying the words allows me to feel heard. In that way I can be more receptive to other people reaching out to me and more apt to extend myself to others.
Connecting doesn't have to be around mainlining sugar. Take a walk or have tea and talk.
At this time of year when it seems there is so much to do it is most important to slow down and bring awareness within. Being single and not having family around can be very challenging during the holidays, so can having family around. The opportunity is to honor ourselves in the midst of whatever. What does reaching out to myself look like?
I just watched a movie about Louise Hay where she suggested standing in front of the mirror and looking deeply into your own eyes and saying, " I love and accept myself as I am." I have been doing it today and it really helps me to appreciate myself and feel connected. That 's where connnection starts. Try it. Using the affirmation doesn't necessarily make it feel true. It just shifts the energy toward appreciation. It feels good to me to counteract my inner critical voice with a loving one. Looking into my eyes makes me feel seen and saying the words allows me to feel heard. In that way I can be more receptive to other people reaching out to me and more apt to extend myself to others.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Winter
Winter is a challenging season. Sunlight and warmth contribute greatly to my sense of well-being. When it gets dark earlier and it very cold it is easy to feel anxious or depressed. I went out for a walk as it was getting dark today. It was very hard to get myself out of the house to do it. When it is cold and dark it is more difficult to get out of bed in the morning, too. I notice that at this time of year I want to hole up and go inward. Traditionally the holiday season has been a time for running around shopping for gifts, going to parties and eating lots of sweets. This time of year is actually called "the going within time." in native american tradition. It has become anything but that. One positive result of our current financial situation is that many people are remaking the holidays to be more simple and more peaceful.
Winter can also be a beautiful time. Walking in the park, I noticed the snow covered ground in contrast to the colors of the the setting sun . Several years ago I decided to open to winter and notice some things to appreciate. I am doing a medium job which it way better than abject hatred and holding on in survival until daylight savings time comes back. On warmer winter days it is sure easier to appreciate winter and to open to accepting what is. I am working to be present in the winter even if I don't like it much. Some people have winter as their favorite season. I think those are the people who I see walking by me in the park with four less layers on than me.
So what are some ways to cope with winter blues when winter doesn't feel very beautiful at all? One way is to recreate warmth for yourself. If you are lucky enough to have a fireplace let yourself use it. Buy some tea you really like and sip it throughout the day. Take a hot bath and stay in it till the water starts to get cool. Wear thick socks or slippers and lots of layers in the house. So far I am only doing the tea and the socks. It is hard for me to take a bath. When I was doing a week long ayurvedic cleansing fast several years ago I took a bath daily. I really grew to look forward to the time to be warmed and relax and do nothing. When the cleansing was completed it was prescribed to take one bath a week. I have probably taken one bath a year. One woman I know takes more than one a day. I admire that. It is my intention to take a long hot bath sometime during this holiday season. It is so nurturing when I do. How about you? What else can you think of to recreate warmth?
Sunlight is the other commodity that is scarcer. We are lucky to live in Colorado where there is so much sunlight. When I was growing up in upstate New York there was winter from October to April and about 10 sunny days during the whole time. I think I was depressed my entire childhood. It is important to get out into the sun even if only for a few minutes. Taking vitamin d supplements can be helpful, too. Lessening sugar and caffeine and increasing leafy green vegetables supports the immune system. Cold and flu germs are airborne longer in cold dry air. I use a warm air humidifier and I think it really helps me sleep better in the winter. Whatever you do to take care of yourself remember to do it in this season even though it seems like there isn't time. Cut yourself some slack if you are sad. This can often be a time of disappointment because of our high expectations. We are wanting to have the holidays we hoped to have as children. Stay in your circle and make choices from there. Remember to laugh even if it means looking in the mirror and laughing at yourself. Check out laughter yoga for a good laugh about nothing at all. It's a great pick-up for the winter blues.www.denverlaughs.org If you happen to be off from work or your schedule permits it I am leading laughter yoga on Monday December 22 from noon til one at the Unitarian church on the corner of 14th and Lafayette (Laughfayette- haha) It's free. I'd love to have you come.
Winter can also be a beautiful time. Walking in the park, I noticed the snow covered ground in contrast to the colors of the the setting sun . Several years ago I decided to open to winter and notice some things to appreciate. I am doing a medium job which it way better than abject hatred and holding on in survival until daylight savings time comes back. On warmer winter days it is sure easier to appreciate winter and to open to accepting what is. I am working to be present in the winter even if I don't like it much. Some people have winter as their favorite season. I think those are the people who I see walking by me in the park with four less layers on than me.
So what are some ways to cope with winter blues when winter doesn't feel very beautiful at all? One way is to recreate warmth for yourself. If you are lucky enough to have a fireplace let yourself use it. Buy some tea you really like and sip it throughout the day. Take a hot bath and stay in it till the water starts to get cool. Wear thick socks or slippers and lots of layers in the house. So far I am only doing the tea and the socks. It is hard for me to take a bath. When I was doing a week long ayurvedic cleansing fast several years ago I took a bath daily. I really grew to look forward to the time to be warmed and relax and do nothing. When the cleansing was completed it was prescribed to take one bath a week. I have probably taken one bath a year. One woman I know takes more than one a day. I admire that. It is my intention to take a long hot bath sometime during this holiday season. It is so nurturing when I do. How about you? What else can you think of to recreate warmth?
Sunlight is the other commodity that is scarcer. We are lucky to live in Colorado where there is so much sunlight. When I was growing up in upstate New York there was winter from October to April and about 10 sunny days during the whole time. I think I was depressed my entire childhood. It is important to get out into the sun even if only for a few minutes. Taking vitamin d supplements can be helpful, too. Lessening sugar and caffeine and increasing leafy green vegetables supports the immune system. Cold and flu germs are airborne longer in cold dry air. I use a warm air humidifier and I think it really helps me sleep better in the winter. Whatever you do to take care of yourself remember to do it in this season even though it seems like there isn't time. Cut yourself some slack if you are sad. This can often be a time of disappointment because of our high expectations. We are wanting to have the holidays we hoped to have as children. Stay in your circle and make choices from there. Remember to laugh even if it means looking in the mirror and laughing at yourself. Check out laughter yoga for a good laugh about nothing at all. It's a great pick-up for the winter blues.www.denverlaughs.org If you happen to be off from work or your schedule permits it I am leading laughter yoga on Monday December 22 from noon til one at the Unitarian church on the corner of 14th and Lafayette (Laughfayette- haha) It's free. I'd love to have you come.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
yoga for the holidays
I taught my yoga class today. I was a little nervous about being rusty because I haven't taught for three weeks. In Mexico I had the opportunity to take three classes from a gifted yoga teacher so I had alot I wanted to share. Once the class began I felt the energy of the class picking me up and carrying me and my fears into the flow. When I first started teaching severeal years ago I was really anxious, feeling like I didn't know what I was doing. A seasoned teacher told me that my students want me to do a good job. They are not there to judge me and figure out what I am doing wrong. They are there intending to have a satisfying experience in body mind and spirit. They aren't looking for the opportunity for me to get in the way of that. That really helped. It was so good to be back today. Teaching yoga is a double blessing because I get to do yoga, too. Yoga centers me in my body and brings me to the present. Today in class we focused on breathing into our bodies to bring aware of the sensations in our bodies. Focusing on the sensations in my body brings me out of my head. For instance writing this I am aware of a familiar tension in my lower back that lets me know that my automatic chair is up too high. There that's better. I am aware of tension in the right side of my neck. Breathing into the tension without an agenda to change it or fix it is comforting. Focusing on what I notice in my body in this moment, brings me to this moment more fully. Yoga is a perfect vehicle to develop awareness of the body. When I'm teaching I encourage students to draw their circles around themselves at the beginning of class. The sacred space this creates reminds them to use the breath to return their focus back to awareness of the body. Yoga is such an important part of my life. I know that a regular yoga practice contributes to graceful aging.
I started my home practice with three poses a day. Think about whether yoga might contribute to your life. If you think your body is too inflexible to do yoga that is when yoga could be the most helpful. If you already practice be sure to acknowledge yourself for the gift you are giving yourself. I would love to have you come to my class. The holiday season is such a good time to nurture ourselves in a way that really is nurturing. I teach Wednesdays from noon to one at Whole Yoga on 17th and Williams. www.wholeyoga.com If that time doesn't work for you there are many classes on the website. If it's too far away check out a studio nearby or go to www.yogajournal.com for ideas on starting a home practice.
I started my home practice with three poses a day. Think about whether yoga might contribute to your life. If you think your body is too inflexible to do yoga that is when yoga could be the most helpful. If you already practice be sure to acknowledge yourself for the gift you are giving yourself. I would love to have you come to my class. The holiday season is such a good time to nurture ourselves in a way that really is nurturing. I teach Wednesdays from noon to one at Whole Yoga on 17th and Williams. www.wholeyoga.com If that time doesn't work for you there are many classes on the website. If it's too far away check out a studio nearby or go to www.yogajournal.com for ideas on starting a home practice.
Monday, December 8, 2008
meditation: soother and cleanser
My computer has been testy and unresponsive for the past few days and since I am mostly computer illiterate I called for help today. I am uneasy now because even it is exhibiting similar behavior. I am trusting that I will either get to finish writing this blog or I won't. It's hard to relax and not let my sense of urgency be in charge of writing this. When I am rushing I make more mistakes and my thought process is less creative as well as less skillful. I am taking a deep breathe. I didn't meditate today. I have the kind of high energy prone to anxiety personality that needs the thorough daily soothing and cleansing that meditation provides. This morning I didn't get up soon enough before my 8:00 client came to do more than a little yoga and eat some breakfast.
Meditation allows me to sit still and is a way for me to stop my doing and just be. It is challenging when I have a lot to do to give some time to being and the rewards are great. My critical voice is quieter. It is easier for me to recognize that I am not my critical voice. I sit most mornings. I am reminded by the more frenetic quality of my energy, when I haven't made time for meditation. Sometimes before I sit it feels like a chore - something to be crossed off my to do list. Usually by the time I am finished I am grateful. I used to think that I could have good meditations and bad meditations. Good meditations would be when my thoughts would settle down and I could sustain a feeling of genuine peace. Bad meditations would be days that my mind was bouncing all over the place and I would bring myself back to my breath only to be drawn away into my thoughts again over and over until the time was up. After many years I realized that judging myself for my meditations was pretty amusing. It was a function of my ever-active ego's resourcefulness at finding opportunities for me to feel like I am doing something wrong. I decided that whether the meditation was satisfying in terms of my evaluative standards would be a moot point. That I meditated would be enough. Since then meditation has been more rewarding and even more fun. It's funny how removing the judge and letting the witness
come off of the bench and play makes for such a better game. I have been thinking about what is fun for me. To many, fun is about moving consciousness away from the present with alcohol, drugs and entertainment. I have my share of compulsive behaviors which sometimes feels like fun. I have been doing way too much window shopping on e-bay which is one reason my computer has been protesting. I want to find a balance between rigidity and indulgence so I can do what I need to do and enjoy my life more. Meditation is a way for me to more clearly know what feels ri9ght to me to do with my time. It slows me down enough to look at my choices in a more conscious way. It looks like I will be able to finish writing this blog. It certainly has been helpful to look at my sense of urgency and to recognize it and set it aside. I am going to meditate before I go to sleep. I know I'll sleep better. Where are you about meditation? Could it be useful to you to start or restart or reenergize a regular meditation practice?
Meditation allows me to sit still and is a way for me to stop my doing and just be. It is challenging when I have a lot to do to give some time to being and the rewards are great. My critical voice is quieter. It is easier for me to recognize that I am not my critical voice. I sit most mornings. I am reminded by the more frenetic quality of my energy, when I haven't made time for meditation. Sometimes before I sit it feels like a chore - something to be crossed off my to do list. Usually by the time I am finished I am grateful. I used to think that I could have good meditations and bad meditations. Good meditations would be when my thoughts would settle down and I could sustain a feeling of genuine peace. Bad meditations would be days that my mind was bouncing all over the place and I would bring myself back to my breath only to be drawn away into my thoughts again over and over until the time was up. After many years I realized that judging myself for my meditations was pretty amusing. It was a function of my ever-active ego's resourcefulness at finding opportunities for me to feel like I am doing something wrong. I decided that whether the meditation was satisfying in terms of my evaluative standards would be a moot point. That I meditated would be enough. Since then meditation has been more rewarding and even more fun. It's funny how removing the judge and letting the witness
come off of the bench and play makes for such a better game. I have been thinking about what is fun for me. To many, fun is about moving consciousness away from the present with alcohol, drugs and entertainment. I have my share of compulsive behaviors which sometimes feels like fun. I have been doing way too much window shopping on e-bay which is one reason my computer has been protesting. I want to find a balance between rigidity and indulgence so I can do what I need to do and enjoy my life more. Meditation is a way for me to more clearly know what feels ri9ght to me to do with my time. It slows me down enough to look at my choices in a more conscious way. It looks like I will be able to finish writing this blog. It certainly has been helpful to look at my sense of urgency and to recognize it and set it aside. I am going to meditate before I go to sleep. I know I'll sleep better. Where are you about meditation? Could it be useful to you to start or restart or reenergize a regular meditation practice?
Thursday, December 4, 2008
ocean ego
I am glad to be home. I am also in shock because yesterday I left the ocean and came back in my hoodie to twelve degrees and snow. I hadn't driven a car for ten days because the town in Mexico has none. This year they did have about ten ATV's doing business on the narrow cobblestone paths. I know it's progress and much easier to be building a house with the noisy little machines to help carry the load rather than using only burros.
I had a great time and am very grateful to have had such a lovely vacation. One highlight is the wonderful yoga teacher who teaches in a studio in the middle of town with a gorgeous ocean view. Another was swimming in the ocean with Gary almost every day. It also was worth getting wet crossing the river to get outside of town to meditate to the sound of the ocean waves crashing on the rocks. Each night we had a ritual of watching the stars and listening to the ocean. My spanish has progressed to the point where people who live there are actually correcting me. When you are beginning people just appreciate you trying at all. I can order in a restaurent with all of my food allergies and carry on completely rudimentary conversation. The best thing is that after going to the same place for three years I can easily relax there. That is such a blessing.
I want to share what happened on my last day. I had the decision about which water taxi to take to get to Puerto Vallerta. The ride takes an hour and is the only way to get to the pier where there is transportation to the airport. I had two choices. The later boat was cutting it quite close to my flight home. I decided to risk it because it gave me four more hours of paradise. I was practicing yoga and my ego was berating me telling me I was doing it wrong and that I would miss my flight. I listened for a while, getting more and more scared. I then told my ego that what it was saying might be true and if it was I would listen to it more. If it wasn't true I wouldn't listen to it. I asked it to back off until I was done doing yoga and moved my attention to my third eye. After yoga and one last time meditating on the rocks to the crashing waves I felt very joyous.Instead of "hoping for the best and planning for the worst," I could trust that everything would be OK. As I've said many times before, that can only happen when my definition of OK is very broad. I got home safely and smoothly. I learned that my ego gets loud and tries to use fear to move me out of the present. I think it would rather merge with the flow, it just isn't used to it. Bringing my attention to my third eye really helps, too. So today when it started being the voice of doom about several clients cancelling I was on to it. When I realized what was going on I breathed deeply into the fear and released the story. Then I went to meditate and focused on my third eye. What if there is no such thing as doing it wrong? What if there is only me making a choice to do what I am doing with a willingness to take responsibility for the natural consequences of each choice? Would it be useful for you to notice your ego talking to you today and respond to it by saying, " that might be true? Then focus your attention and your breath on your third eye bringing yourself to the present moment where the ego doesn't exist.
I am so glad to be writing again. I missed writing. I am glad to be sharing this with you. Thanks.
I had a great time and am very grateful to have had such a lovely vacation. One highlight is the wonderful yoga teacher who teaches in a studio in the middle of town with a gorgeous ocean view. Another was swimming in the ocean with Gary almost every day. It also was worth getting wet crossing the river to get outside of town to meditate to the sound of the ocean waves crashing on the rocks. Each night we had a ritual of watching the stars and listening to the ocean. My spanish has progressed to the point where people who live there are actually correcting me. When you are beginning people just appreciate you trying at all. I can order in a restaurent with all of my food allergies and carry on completely rudimentary conversation. The best thing is that after going to the same place for three years I can easily relax there. That is such a blessing.
I want to share what happened on my last day. I had the decision about which water taxi to take to get to Puerto Vallerta. The ride takes an hour and is the only way to get to the pier where there is transportation to the airport. I had two choices. The later boat was cutting it quite close to my flight home. I decided to risk it because it gave me four more hours of paradise. I was practicing yoga and my ego was berating me telling me I was doing it wrong and that I would miss my flight. I listened for a while, getting more and more scared. I then told my ego that what it was saying might be true and if it was I would listen to it more. If it wasn't true I wouldn't listen to it. I asked it to back off until I was done doing yoga and moved my attention to my third eye. After yoga and one last time meditating on the rocks to the crashing waves I felt very joyous.Instead of "hoping for the best and planning for the worst," I could trust that everything would be OK. As I've said many times before, that can only happen when my definition of OK is very broad. I got home safely and smoothly. I learned that my ego gets loud and tries to use fear to move me out of the present. I think it would rather merge with the flow, it just isn't used to it. Bringing my attention to my third eye really helps, too. So today when it started being the voice of doom about several clients cancelling I was on to it. When I realized what was going on I breathed deeply into the fear and released the story. Then I went to meditate and focused on my third eye. What if there is no such thing as doing it wrong? What if there is only me making a choice to do what I am doing with a willingness to take responsibility for the natural consequences of each choice? Would it be useful for you to notice your ego talking to you today and respond to it by saying, " that might be true? Then focus your attention and your breath on your third eye bringing yourself to the present moment where the ego doesn't exist.
I am so glad to be writing again. I missed writing. I am glad to be sharing this with you. Thanks.
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