Porch test

I just read about the porch test. It's an idea of a woman named Lynn who was writing about how you tell who to chose to be with for a relationship partner. It was part of an advise column that came up on msn when I logged on. I wasn't at all sure why I was reading it. The young woman was trying to decide between two guys. The advise given was good advise. Take some time to be with yourself and to get in touch with your own needs. When you give yourself that time things will become clearer. What I got from that is it is easy to look outside of ourselves for what we want and to think that some relationship, or some entertainment or some substance is going to complete us and give us what we want. When I am in that place of sourcing outside of myself I am miserable. When I can understand that I have moved out of my own circle, ( my sacred circle that is made sacred by bringing myself my own attention) and reel myself or gently draw myself back in, I am better able to feel the deep sense of joy that is within me. It is easy for me to use my primary relationship to source outside myself . I feel uneasy and blaming or that I have lost myself depending on whether I am sourcing him as the good Dad or the bad Dad.The rest of the time it is getting easier to be in touch with my center. I have my moments when I am with Gary and I feel centered and strong. I am not making him horrible or wonderful. I am centered and balanced and I am in a relationship with a man I love who loves me. My egoe's main playground is in the area of intimate relationship. Most of my life I am very in touch with my essence or all of who I am. In the area of intimate relationship I get to act out all of my fears and doubts and watch myself be incredibly unskillful at times. It's very humbling. What is the main area of your life where you can watch your ego running the show? Would it be helpful to make a conscious intention to pay attention to yourself concerning that area of your life?
Oh yeah, the porch test. Can you imagine yourself with this other person sitting out on a porch well into your nineties holding hands and feeling utterly at peace? I can imagine myself out on that porch sourcing myself and feeling that sense of peace. That is my porch test.

treats

In some ways it's nice to have a long distance relationship because I get to spend the week doing my work and doing what I want to when I want to. Then I get to go up to the mountains and spend the weekend with Gary.Sometimes I think I should want to live together and mostly I really like things the way they are- at least for now. There is definitely less suffering when I can accept what is, rather than when I am wishing that what is, wasn't as it is. I am understanding that opening to suffering and letting myself experience it, also lessens it.Judging myself for suffering takes me two steps away from the experience of the sensation under the suffering. If I am busy being up in my head judging or feeling ashamed about suffering, the way out of the suffering isn't available. Awareness of the judgement or the shame is the first step. If I can have compassion for myself about my suffering which means understanding that it is an appropriate way to feel in the midst of discomfort or pain or loss, then it is way easier to drop my story about why I shouldn't be suffering(when in fact I am) If a child came to me who was suffering I wouldn't in my wildest dreams say to her,"what do you have to suffer about? You have such a good life. You are being such a drama queen." How is it that it feels O.K. to treat myself that way? If a suffering child came to me I would hold her in love, tell her I can understand her suffering and ask her to tell me more. That is the least I can do with myself.Then I would be more relaxed about experiencing my suffering and there would be space for it to release. The times I have been able to bring lovingkindness to my suffering and then go down into my body to the sensation of the pain in my body, that awareness and attention has allowed the sensation to eventually release.I recommend that we bring a softening to ourselves about our suffering. See what you notice when you let your heart soften to your own suffering.
In the midst of all that life brings it is important to give ourselves treats.We went hiking at Brainard Lake today. It was such a joy to see all of the flowers. The colors are amazing and still vibrant.If you haven't yet or even if you have, give yourself the gift of a mountain flower hike. Nature is such a great source of treats.

opening ceremonies

I watched part of the opening ceremonies for the summer olympics tonight. I had mixed feelings. It was a gorgeous artistic endeavor .The tai chi demonstration with thousands of people moving fluidly together was thrilling. I thought about China being a country where millions of people do Tai Chi in the morning in parks before work. The costuming was lush and intricate. The female dancers and the male oarsman who have perfected their art forms and moved together with such precision were all beautiful. The fireworks were exciting. There was also a spiritual component woven through it all that combined taoism, buddhism and confucianism like that we are all the drops of water and the water at the same time. That was very moving. Also I kept thinking about how much it might have cost. Did it have to be that lavish? The commercials interspersed with the ceremony were also a huge expense. What are we trying to prove? Although I enjoyed the expression of creativity very much, part of me was offended by the conspicuous consumption. This is my fantasy. What if only half of the money was spent on a beautiful pageant and only half of the money was spent on the commercials and the rest of the money was used for helping people? Maybe it could be used to help athletes in countries where there aren't adequate resources. Maybe it could be used to feed hungry people. Maybe a statement could have been made about contributing to the sustainability of the planet as well as contributing to its entertainment and education. It's a nice fantasy. It seems important to have fantasies about how things could be. It keeps us from denying mixed feelings. I'm glad I got to watch the opening ceremonies. It is inspiring to think of all of those athletes who are the best in the world at what they do and 204 nations coming together to celebrate that. It also made me think. How can I give back in my life? How can I both entertain myself and contribute to the planet? How can I live my life with some awareness of how others are living without being self-righteous or hopeless about it? What is the balance inside of me of taking care of myself and showing up for others? What does genuine caring that comes from a centered place look like? What does that look like for you? I am now going take care of myself and go to bed so I can continue to ponder all of this tomorrow. Good night.

business with intuition

Today I went to Cheesman Park to do a photo shoot for my website with the web developer who is also a journalist and a photographer. Creating my web site has been so much fun so far. I've wanted to have a web site for such a long time and haven't been willing to do the work of even finding someone to help me. I love doing business with people with whom I feel some like-mindedness.When I went to my favorite hot springs for my personal retreat last month I met Mike Blevins(www.passingimage.com)and got to know him.It was easy to start the process of developing a web site with a person I already felt comfortable with. Although I could say that I should have gotten this together sooner, the timing is actually perfect. It is good to trust that when the time is right the right person to help appears. I am creating a whole new concept about what I do. For a while now the name psychotherapist hasn't felt like a good fit. I am working with people who want to grow and doing more of what I would more accurately call counseling or mentoring. This web site will more clearly express my intention to suppport people in opening up to the fullest expression of all that they are in body mind life and spirit. Just writing that is very exciting to me. I am coming out in the fullest expression of all that I am in presenting myself and my work.
What a great opportunity to walk my talk.I look forward to listening to my intuition in choosing the people I do business with more and more.Would it be useful to you to look at who you are doing business with to see who you feel comfortable with and who you don't? Last year I hired a company to trim my trees when my neighbor had them doing an estimate.Even though it didn't feel quite right,it was convenient. I ended up regretting my decision.Although things worked out in the end I used much more time and energy than I wanted to. Funny though, Maybe it was just the right amount of time and energy to let me know that there are natural consequences when I ignore my intuition. I appreciate the opportunity to practice discernment, even though it is sometimes painful. Pain can be a wake-up call to change course. May it be easier and easier for all of us to recognize its message.

To blog or not to blog

Even though it is late and I am tired, I want to write this blog. Tomorrow is a very busy day and I don't think I will have time to write. Rather than skipping a day I want to write this tonight and publish it in the morning. My brain is a little fuzzy and I am making a lot of mistakes. Maybe the best thing to do is to go to bed and trust that I will find time to write tomorrow or not.I don't like it when I say I will do something like write every other day and then I don't. Is it a matter of cutting myself some slack and not writing and being O.K. with that or of pushing through my fatigue and seeing if the blog that emerges is worth publishing. When I am tired my inner critic gets louder.I am asking it to step aside for a moment while I write this. It is stepping aside.Can you believe it? I am opening to the fun of writing knowing that my brain isn't operating optimally.Maybe not having an optimal brain isn't such a bad thing. The thing that's wonderful about the creative flow is that when I push myself a little and stretch beyond my resistance,the energy of the flow itself carries me. I almost feel like this blog is writing itself. I wonder what it is going to say next? It seems to be saying nothing. I have nothing to say. Nothing nothing nothing.Is it O.K. to have nothing to say? Probably it would be good to take this nothing and go to bed with it.I wonder if I will dream of nothing.What would that be like? A big black screen with nothing on it. Would it be pleasant or unpleasant? Does it matter? What does matter? Does it matter if this blog has deep inherent worth or it is O.K. to tell the story of writing this blog until the story is over. I think this blog is telling me to go get my toothbrush and go to sleep. It is a wise blog. I am listening. Sweet dreams.

suffering

Yesterday I went to a one day meditation retreat led by Phillip Moffitt, a vipassana meditation teacher. I loved the retreat especially because it included movement to prepare for meditation and was focused on paying attention to sensation in our bodies. Phillip has recently written a book called Dancing With Life, Buddhist Insights for Finding Meaning and Joy in the Face of Suffering.(dancingwithlife.org) The workshop was based on the Buddha's four noble truths. The first noble truth is that there is suffering. Phillip talked about the tyranny of pleasure and pain and how to focus awareness on how much of what we do in life is motivated by avoiding pain and craving pleasure.He suggested that becoming aware of this eventually moves us to make decisions according to what we value beyond pleasure and pain. We did one walking meditation which was especially powerful for me. The exercise was to do slow mindful walking for twenty minutes starting out with asking a question about an area of our lives we felt stuck about. My question was, How can I let go of obsessing about my relationship with my partner? Phillip said to ask the question at the beginning and even if an answer came to set it aside and focus on each step of the walking and then revisit the question at the end and see if an answer arises. I asked my question and the answer that came up right away was to embrace,"don't know" mind. Don't know mind is letting go of knowing the right answer and being present with not knowing. Opening to don't know mind made it possible for me to get out of my head and to notice the beautiful flowers in the garden next to where I was walking. I felt grateful for that. At the end of the walk I felt a strong sensation of tightness in my chest. I could feel how tightly I was holding my heart closed. Again I asked the question and what I got was, "Be with the suffering." I breathed into my heart and fully embraced the suffering. As I breathed I noticed I let go of judging myself for suffering and the tightness loosened up. When I walked back into the meditation hall I noticed I felt more accepting and less obsessive. I wasn't hanging out in my mind going over and over the story I was telling myself. The feelings didn't go away and my tightness over feeling them released. I was able to be more mindful and more compassionate. I didn't need to run from the pain and that created less suffering.
What does this bring up for you? Is there something you are suffering about that you could bring gentle loving attention to?

Work

Work is love made visible.
Kahil Gibran
This is the peace quote I received today from livingcompassion.com.
It moved through my body and sent shivers up my spine. It puts into words why I am so passionate about my work. I have the honor of loving people while they grow. Sometimes I am in awe when people write me a check at the end of a session that I get paid to do this work.
Working together with people supports my growth and healing as much as it supports them. Sometimes I think I should be the one that's paying. On top of that, in order to be really good at what I do, I get to take workshops and learn new healing modalities, do my own personal and spiritual growth work, and take care of myself impeccably. This is amazing and I am truely blessed. My wish is for everyone who wants to to have work that feeds their soul. Because this is my third career and each thing I do builds on everything that came before, I love to help people have the courage to use what they are doing as a stepping stone to the next phase of their work. Teaching Yoga and Laughter Yoga have added balance and joy to my worklife. It is fun to help people look at augmenting their work with things they love.
I am creating my web site with a web developer and learning so much from the process about what I do and why I do it. Although it was very intimidating at first, expressing my work to others helps me to get clearer and clearer about what I actually have to offer. It's fun to create a beautiful simple website. It is a stretch for me to put myself out there in the world in that way. It brings up all of my stuff about worrying about doing it wrong. It's easy to get critical and obsessive. It's also an opportunity to be mindful and compassionate and create a good enough website. What could you do to stretch and put yourself out there in whatever arena you've been wanting to? What are your fears and doubts? What would be in it for you to move through them? What would be the next step?