Ratio of three to one

I work with a lot of couples. I have been in many relationships. Sometimes I wonder how I , with my patchwork relationship history, can work with couples. As I may have already told you my daughter Monnya's answer to the question
is, "But Mom you know exactly what not to do."
I also work with singles to help them learn to rely on themselves and, if they chose to, to enter into a relationship that is healthy. Joyce and Barry Vissel who work with couples and write an e-newsletter called "A Shared Heart" wrote about finding a life partner. They suggest to allow yourself to begin to feel how much you love your life partner even before you have met the person. Letting yourself feel that will naturally attract that person to you. Once you meet the person they suggest throwing out your list and trusting in your intuition. In my case, fears of intimacy may prevent us from recognizing our life partner. Only after we work through those fears is it possible to see the other person's beauty and to experience love freely. I think the most important quality in a relationship is whether both people are committed to working on themselves.
That work could take many forms. When a person is ready to use a relationship as a means to grow and to embrace the hard work involved in working things out with another person, the relationship has a chance of deepening and evolving into a true spiritual path. Relationship can be a spiritual path because it is like walking around with a mirror in your face. When your partner holds the mirror for you to see yourself with love, compassion and respect it provides a safe space to grow together. When both people are committed to being fully expressed beings individually and to supporting each other in being fully expressed beings there is an amazing opportunity to move beyond old conditioning especially the wounds we carry from our original families. Even so this is really hard work. My friend Smokey and her husband Graham love each other very much. They have vastly different personalities. In the past five years a sweetness has developed from all the hard work they have done to accept each other as they are. They put energy into repairing and resolving conflicts and into cutting each other a great deal of slack. It is so inspiring to be around them now. John Gottman in his research with couples who report being happily married, has found that there is a three to one ratio of positive to negative comments. If you are currently in a relationship with a partner begin a practice of noticing what you appreciate and getting it out of your mouth. Let's practice making that ratio true by beginning with ourselves. Whether we are in a primary relationship or not if every time we say something negative to ourselves we then say three positive things it makes sense we will be happier. It would go like this, "I probably already wrote about that in here." - One negative, then three positives, "Even if that is true it is still a good idea and worth repeating. I have good ideas. It is gutsy of me to share my good ideas on this blog." That was quite pleasurable and required me to use my creativity to appreciate myself. I'm going to experiment with three positives for every negative. Would you care to join me?

Hoot

My trip to see my Mom went really well. She is in the second stage of alzheimer's disease which means she is in and out of what I consider reality. There are moments when she is really lucid and we were able to connect with such deep love. Looking in each others eyes with no words I felt as if I could see into her soul and it was filled with light. It helped me to know that who we all are beyond our personalities is a huge luminous being made of love. My mother and I have always been very close and I have worked hard to separate myself from her and understand where she leaves off and I start. I had the chance to ask her for forgiveness for all the times I have shut my heart down to her and to offer her forgiveness for the times when I felt hurt by her either physically or emotionally. It was a powerful process and at the end I felt lighter than I have in weeks. I am grateful that her disease isn't all of who she is and that she still recognizes me. I don't know how long that will be true.
At times my Mom was anxious and agitated and filled with fear to the point of panic. I could usually console her by encouraging her to breathe deeply. One evening I couldn't help to soothe her and she was really suffering. I realized I could hang out with her with her suffering and breathe deeply myself and say,"I can understand that you feel this way. I care about your suffering. May you be free from suffering." After about an hour she calmed. It was very challenging to hang out with her while she was in so much pain and to stay in my circle and keep my heart open. I did a medium job and medium was good enough. Afterwards I did a lot of releasing work because I felt like I was her. It was so uncomfortable to feel as if I had merged with her. I am so grateful I have the tools I do to help people and to help myself to release unwanted patterns and conditions.
The next day Mom was much more relaxed and we played games and hung out and watched birds and then she helped me to go over to the assisted living side and do laughter yoga. Those people have mostly intact minds and bodies that need someone else to take care of. I love doing laughter yoga. Getting people to laugh for no reason is so healing for body mind and spirit and it is a hoot. They were willing to roar like lions and make their ugliest faces and to laugh. Laughter is the best medicine especially for people who don't get to laugh much. I felt so much better when we were done and I think they did too. It feels so good to be silly and playful and to move beyond caring whether other people think I am an idiot or not.
Gary was heading out for Oregon and we happened to be at the airport at the same time. We had a short fun rendevous before he had to go through security. I love little adventures like that. I am very glad to be home although I am very tired. I am also very glad to be writing here again. I so enjoy sharing my process with you. Is there something you'd like to do that is silly and playful and that you could let yourself do even if other people thought you were wierd? Your little boy or girl inside might be happy to do it with you. You might even ask her or him for a suggestion.

Adventure

I have been feeling very sad today.I'm not sure why. As I sat in meditation this morning and brought my attention to my sadness, I noticed how tight my heart was.I like knowing what's going on. As I breathe, I notice the tightness eases up but no answer comes. I have the feeling it is something about going to see my mother and knowing she has moved into a different stage of Alzheimer's disease. When I was growing up she could be very loving and generous and then something would switch and she could be mean and critical and sometimes slap me in the face. It was hard to relax because I didn't know which Mom I would get. Though I have done lots of work on this and it is way easier for me to relax,it is still challenging. For the past five years Mom has been very sweet and loving though she wasn't able to remember much. When I speak to her on the phone she is still that way and my sister tells me she has been angry and agitated and has hit an attendant at the Alzheimer's facility. I am afraid of which Mom I will get. I know the dance is all different now because I am an adult and I have reasonably good skills with staying centered in the midst of whatever. It all depends on what the "whatever" is though.I know that now I have a lot of options I didn't have as a kid in terms of how I can react. I am good at getting support and good at removing myself if I need to.
I feel guilty that my sister has my mother in the same city now and has to take care of everything and that I see my Mom every few months.It has always been easier for me to be closer to my Mom and for my sister to be closer to my Dad.I think it is healing for my sister and my mother to have so much contact.I appreciate all my sister does and I try to be supportive to her in the best way I can. One thing I can do is be there and give Cynde somewhat of a break for the weekend. As I write this I realize my sadness has lifted. The heaviness in my heart has eased up.It helped that Gary came over here on his way to a concert and listened to me. It is a treat to spend a few spontaneous hours together. Because of the long distance between us it is rare.Usually we don't see each other during the week and then we spend most of the weekend together. Our arrangement has its upsides and downsides. Now I am feeling more of a sense of openness and curiousity about my trip. My mother will be who she is and my sister will be who she is and I will be who I am. Who knows what will happen? I only know that what will happen will happen.That actually sounds like an adventure. Is there an adventure you'd like to have this weekend? Could you be with yourself about what might be in the way and make a plan and see what happens? I probably won't write until Monday. I'll talk to you then.

Toilets

When I was a little girl the only place I could go to have some privacy was the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet became my refuge. It was a sanctuary where I could be alone with my thoughts and feelings. No one would be in my face. Over the years I have spent many hours sitting on the toilet and have found it to be a great source of inspiration and intuition. As an adult I discovered my sacred circle and that drawing it around myself allowed me to be protected with a boundary while keeping my heart open. One day I realized that the toilet seat is a circle and acts as a reminder to me to be in my circle. Sometimes when I am challenged by a decision or want to come up with an idea I can retreat to the toilet breathe quietly, ask for help and find clarity.
When I started my meditation practice in my twenties the sense of creating time to be alone and get to know my inner world was already familiar, thanks to my early toilet training. It's funny how a strategy for survival can be a vehicle for later thriving. Little did I know at the time I was retreating from my family to the safety of the bathroom, that meditation would save me from my anxiety and open up new worlds of being. James Hillman in his book, The Soul's Code theorizes that every thing we do throughout our lives leads us to where we are going. He sees early passions as acorns to the tree of later interests and accomplishments. On my preschool records it said, "She is always singing and loves to perform." As an older child I had an imaginary classroom of children I would become absorbed in teaching and people who would share bits of their life stories with me. I loved to do art projects. I would like to allow that little girl to contribute to me more. I think I'll have a conversation with her and ask for her help about expressing myself creatively. She was very good at helping people get clear about something they wanted.
What do you know about your early interests and passions? What did you do as a child that you could lose yourself in? How do any of those acorns contribute to the tree that is your life? Is there a way you could allow these acorns to manifest more fully?

Envy

This post is green because it is about being green with envy. My friend Lynne has become a rock star. She lives in Austin Texas and has been a close friend for twenty years. After her last relationship ended she realized that while she was in it she had lost herself and had stopped doing all the things that nurtured her. She had especially stopped nourishing her creativity. Many years ago she had created a musical group and became the lead singer. She called herself and the band Catharsis. She wore a slinky red devil costume and was her outrageous self. In the last two months she has begun to resurrect Catharsis in a present day version and has assembled a group of musicians to support her. She sent me some pictures of her first gig in which she has a big old black wig and a sexy costume and is singing passionately into a mike. Well, all right I am exaggerating. She isn't exactly a rock star yet.
She is, however, the lead singer in a band she created that is getting gigs. That is a major accomplishment. You see I have had a long time fantasy of being a singer. Envy gets bad press. When I noticed how envious I felt, I was ashamed. I noticed that supressing envy was also supressing the excitement I felt for Lynne and her success. I decided to breathe into the envy fully and allow it some air time. The shame melted away and helped me to see that I was using denial of my envy to deny my own accomplishments. Allowing myself to feel my envy let me see that I was using Lynne to ignore my own singing. I sing mostly with myself and with my chanting group Spiritsong. We meet once a month and do multicultural sacred chants and jump around and have a hoot. I am grateful to Lynne for helping me to see that I am already a singer because I sing every day. I sing in Laughter Yoga and chant in hatha yoga and teach chants to the people I work with sometimes. I chant before I meditate and in my car and sometimes with groups. It was very healing to let Lynne know how excited I am for her and how much I support her in putting herself out there as a singer and to cop to my envy. Telling her about it honestly and directly and from my heart, allowed her to hear me. We both felt closer. She was flattered and felt supported even by my envy. After getting that out and being heard I could let her know what an inspiration she has been to me over the years in taking risks and living outrageously. My version is different than hers and it still counts. Is there someone you envy? Could being conscious of your envy be a vehicle to help you to acknowledge your own gifts?

Remember

I am watching the trees sway back and forth in the strong wind through the window behind my computer. Dark clouds loom in the sky. I am hoping it will rain so I won't have to water my lawn. I just remembered that I watered it this morning. I feel relieved about not having to water and scared that I have been forgetting so much lately. Today I left my daytimer at my chiropractor/healer's office and had to make another trip there to pick it up. I was grateful that his office manager called me and that it was close enough to go get it before she left the office for the weekend. It made me aware of how much I depend on that book and how lost I am without it. The other night I went to the PSYCH-K practice group and forgot where I parked my car. I remembered parking it on the other side of the street and in the opposite direction from where it was and because it was dark it took me a while to find it. Once I get scared that I've lost something it is harder to think clearly about where it might be. In my house I make myself stop running around urgently searching and breathe deeply and quietly and picture or sense or ask where I saw it last. Usually I get a clear answer and go there and find what I am looking for. I may even have heard to go look where it is in the midst of my urgent search and ignored it. When I am worried or scared or anxious my breath becomes shallow and choppy. Shallow and choppy breath means less oxygen to the brain. No wonder it is hard to think clearly
under stress. So when I forget things I wonder what is normal aging and what is more than that? That scares me even more. As I've said before my mother has Alzheimer's.
Last night I was reading a story in my favorite magazine, The Sun, www.thesunmagazine.org about a woman whose mother had Alzeimer's and came to live with her family for the summer. It was called Koans from my Mother. The author saved her sanity by laughing to herself about the bizarre things her mother said and imagining them as zen koans similar to the zen koan of, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" Koans are questions given to some zen students by their teachers to jar their minds out of the ordinary ruts and open to greater consciousness. In the story her mother would say something like, "I've known your sister Sue all my life why don't I know her mother?" The story was about accepting what is with her mother's process and not trying to correct her reality. When I am with my Mom that's what I do. I don't try to change her or fix her or get her to see things my way. I don't try to get her to see "reality" as I experience it. I spend time with her and listen and love her and go along with what she is talking about. I figure her reality is just as important as mine. Several visits ago she was telling me about this place she visits where she has a whole different life than the one she has now. She lives in a small town and knows everyone and has lots of friends and rewarding work. Who knows if this is a mixture of her past and a dream? Who cares?
It seems more important to be with my Mom where she is and to love her for that. She is a great teacher for me about being in the present because the present is all she has.
Is there someone in your life who has come to you as a teacher about accepting what is? You don't have to like it? You don't have to let go of wanting things to be different. You just have to accept that things are as they are.
Maybe it's just as true of ourselves as with others. That's a good thing to remember.

self-acceptance

It is so great to get back to work. I feel so blessed that I get to hang out with amazing people and love them. I wish that every person could find work they love as much as I love mine. Tonight I get to go to a PSYCH-K practitioners meeting. It is great fun to get together with other people and practice PSYCH-K with each other. I always learn a lot especially from people who have been doing PSYCH-K much longer than I have. It is exciting to do PSYCH-K because of the shifts that occur so frequently when people balance for the unconscious beliefs that are in the way of what they want in their lives. I was doing PSYCH-K with myself today about an upsetting letter I received. I balanced for I am O.K. with Carol (not her real name). I realized that what I wanted was to feel that I am O.K. with myself regardless of how she feels about me. I can understnd that she can be critical of me and even understand that she feels the way she does. Another person can have their opinion of me either positive or negative and I can still be O.K. with who I am. It is important to take other people's feedback and look for the truth and opportunity to grow in it. I have used this letter to clarify and modify some of my behaviors. That was very helpful. We can take in feedback without taking it on. After the PSYCH-K balance I felt O.K. in the face of her feelings and more centered back in my circle. I appreciate this tool and the others in my toolbox that help me to experience and release what is in the way of well-being and to share that with others.
I appreciate you all continuing to send family and friends to me whom you think my work would be helpful to. It is a joy for me to do the work that I came here to do.

I just read an interesting article in the Yoga Journal wisdom newsletter about self-acceptance and yoga. It talked about how many people especially women have difficulty accepting their bodies are they are. Our culture with its emphasis on youth and thinness make it even more challenging for us to be O.K. with the bodies we have. The article quotes a study of college students that found that yoga with its emphasis on going inside of ourselves can create more growth in positive body image than other more competitive exercise programs. A good yoga class helps us to honor our bodies as they are and to let go of comparing ourselves and our performance. At noon I get to teach yoga. I love creating a safe space for people to stretch and grow. I used to think I could never teach yoga because my body is less flexible than most yoga teachers. Now I think it can be helpful to others that I am a non-threatening non-pretzel. Teaching yoga has helped me to accept my body as it is. Practicing yoga helps me to continue to grow in body mind and spirit. I love sharing that opportunity for growth with my yoga students. If Wednesday at noon works for you and the spirit moves you, come to my class. If you want to find another time check out the Whole Yoga schedule (http://www.wholeyoga.com/) or a studio near you. If you already practice would you find it useful to think about the benefits that yoga has brought to your life?