radiant self

Today was my first new yoga class that will meet every Wednesday from 12-1 at Whole Yoga. http://www.wholeyoga.com/ Fourteen people came. That was thrilling. The energy that is created with that many people mindfully moving their bodies and focusing on their breath is palpably powerful. My teacher came,too. I was glad she wanted to come and nervous, too. I told her it was my opportunity to work through all of my authority stuff in an hour. I knew it was a good stretch for me. I was afraid she would see that I don't know what I'm doing. I realized that that fear is based on the belief of the same name-that I don't know what I'm doing. The truth is I am a good yoga teacher and when I listen to my ego telling me I'm doing it wrong I get flustered, my brain gets cloudy and I don't know my left from my right. This is very confusing. Teaching yoga, as I was trained, means mirroring. For instance I say, Step back with your right foot while I step back with my left. For a person like me who sometimes has a difficult time knowing my own left from my right you can imagine how challenging mirroring can be. Today I interrrupted my ego in mid-stream when I began to criticize myself. I also did some self-soothing about it being alright to be nervous and afraid. I let myself be present with those feelings in the midst of teaching the class. That permission allowed me to focus on being in my body and attuning to my breath. Moving out of my head to being present with the experience I was having made it easier to show up and teach. I am really getting that if I am willing to show up for myself with whatever is going on, there is actually a chance I can authentically show up for others. I was brought up to believe that if I showed up for others, they would show up for me. That left being in my circle out of the equation. If I am ignoring myself and taking care of others there is an expectation that they will caretake me too. That leads to resentment and disappointment. In my circle, I pay attention to my own inner process and am responsive to what I want and need. Then I am in a position to give to others without expectations. Freely giving is so much more joyous than giving to get. My goal today was to feel satisfied with the class I taught, and to have that include what ever happened. I got good feedback from the students which I enjoyed. What felt even better was being able to celebrate feeling good about the class from the inside. Internal validation is easier to trust than external validation. I am learning to see my worth as separate from what other people think. That is very freeing. Being myself instead of what I think a yoga teacher should be like is much more effective. I heard the saying once," What other people think of me is none of my business." I would like to be free of changing my behavior according to what I assume other people want. If I am myself then when I am loved I can believe I am loved for who I am. If I am pretending to be someone I'm not when I am loved it is this false persona who is being loved. That supports me in not feeling lovable. What does being yourself mean to you? Is there a situation where you could experiment with mindfully letting down the false persona and letting your radiant self shine through?

shoes and gurus

Today is my 85 posting. It's amazing how doing something regularly builds the energy for continuing to do it. This has become a spiritual practice. Before I write I often read something inspiring about personal or spiritual growth. What I write doesn't always have something to do with what I read. It just sort of primes the pump of allowing myself to let what wants to be said flow out. I'm not sure what I am going to write about tonight. I am feeling concern about my new rosebush being out in the cold rain. Yesterday my daughter Monnya, her fiance Issac, my boyfriend Gary and I planted new perennials in my flower beds. That's what I asked for for mother's day. Monnya and Issac are experienced gardeners and Gary and I were their assistants. I feel very protective of the plants I chose. It's as if I got 10 more children this mother's day. The rose bush seems so delicate. When I am done writing I will get some advise about what I need to do to take care of them tonight. I really enjoyed the day. Several times I had to bring myself back from focusing on my guilt about not doing enough. I reminded myself that this was my day to receive. That is a challenge. Monnya painted my favorite pair of worn out navy blue suede clogs with flashy and glittery multicolored designs. I wish I could show you a picture. Each one is a different work of art . My little girl inside loves these glittery shoes and feels very special wearing them. It is a big stretch for me to wear something that draws attention to myself. I usually like to dress in a pretty understated way. In these shoes I feel like Dorothy with her ruby slippers. Dorothy's shoes are conservative compared to these. Several strangers commented on them and it was fun to tell people my daughter made them. It's never too late to challenge an old established pattern.
Monnya also wrote me a letter about what mother's day is like for her at 23. I felt so appreciated and loved. She writes from her heart and her letters have always been so moving. It is a bittersweet experience to have a grown daughter. I miss mothering the bright creative gutsy stubborn little girl she was. It was always a challenge to do my best to set clear boundaries and give her the space to honor her own mostly good judgement. I admire who she has become. It is easy for me to experience the joy of my own aliveness in her presence. It is also easy for me to worry about not doing enough. When she was born I didn't believe in gurus. When I heard the definition of a guru is someone who loves you so much that it brings up everything that isn't love in you to be burned away, I knew she was my guru. It is such a blessing to be loved and to love in such an unconditional way. It is also an ongoing opportunity to bring myself back to the present from the littany I can fall into about not being enough as a Mom. Once I asked Monnya to forgive me for not being there for her because I was so caught up in my relationship dramas with men as a single parent when she was growing up. She said" Get over it. You did a great job." I did do a great job in the midst of it all.
I am learning to mother myself in as loving and generous a way. It is, like writing this blog, a practice that builds energy the more I do it. How do you mother yourself? How is it the same as you were mothered and how is it different?

Aliveness

Today I am feeling a deep sense of gratefulness. I have returned to my sense of aliveness. For the past week I have been discouraged because I hurt my knee doing yoga and I have been lost in a lot of fearful thoughts about the future. Fearful thoughts about the future are worries. I have been cooking up worst case scenarios about not being able to do yoga anymore. Out of this injury I am learning to be completely tuned into my body in my yoga training. I am learning to honor my inner voice about what feels good to do and what doesn't.
This level of mindfulness is new for me. I have a very active mind . I am building the muscle of presence by bringing myself back to the present and tuning into my body everytime it wanders off. In order to keep from reinjuring myself I have had to stay aware of my body the whole time I am doing yoga. Yesterday I was feeling so sad because what I can do now is much more limited. Then my ego kicked in telling me that taking this yoga training was a big mistake and that I would never be able to do yoga or teach yoga without injuring myself. Yoga has been my passion for most of my adult life and I whipped myself into a frenzy comparing this to when I chose to stop running after 20 years because running continued to hurt my back. It may be true that yoga won't be a good idea for me to continue doing. Right now that is not the point. The point is to create a different yoga practice where I am more present with my body. This injury is teaching me to be more present with what is happening now. When I am present with what is happening now I can accept what is happening now. When I accept what is happening now I can enjoy what is happening now.
As Eckhart said in the last webclass on "The New Earth" acceptance comes from bringing alert attention to whatever is happening now . That attention creates a sense of connection with aliveness which allows us to experience and release our resistance and accept what is. Being in the present moment accepting what is allows us to feel enjoyment. Enjoyment is the experience of our own aliveness. It comes from inside.
The joy of yoga comes from connecting with that inner sense of aliveness. As does the joy of anything. When I think I have lost my sense of joy it is I who have wandered off. It is there bubbling up inside me waiting patiently for my return. When I use alert attention to bring my mind to the present, back from the fearful and critical messages of my ego, I am aware of my connection with the love that I am, that we all are. That connection brings enjoyment.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to write on this blog. I take what I am learning and write about it and learn in a deeper way by writing. Sharing with you brings me in touch with my joy. I feel truely blessed. Thank you.
What can you bring alert attention to? Practice bringing your alert attention to the little things you do in life. Notice what that's like.

Fuel

Salmon ink. I like Salmon. I like both the color of the ink and the fish. I appreciate the salmon who have given their lives so I could eat them. It is so important to me to be aware that the sea beings I eat were alive. I stopped eating chicken about a year ago because it didn't feel good to me anymore. I have gone through many different phases about what feels good to eat. I am grateful that I still get to eat fish and seafood. Eating is very challenging for me because of all of the things I am allergic to. I realized the other day that I am limiting how I socialize because of how I eat. Maybe that is only a rationalization. Sometimes I think that there is something wrong with me because I don't enjoy socializing in groups. It is different if the group is small and I know some of the people and we have an activity to do. To be honest, my favorite way to spend time in a group is in silent meditation. Other activities like chanting, yoga, laughter yoga or some kind of learning experience can also be very uplifting. It is a challenge to be an introvert in a society that is predominately extroverted. You can tell if you are more introverted or more extroverted by how you refuel your energy. Introverts feel reenergized by being alone or with one other close person. Extroverts can refuel in groups. Introverts generally feel drained by large parties or social events. Extroverts enjoy the opportunity to connect with lots of people in various settings. I had a boyfriend who would go to a coffee house and talk to strangers to refuel his energy. He was the ultimate extrovert. Sometimes I crave alone time so much I think I will implode if I don't get it. I can tell that I need it because I begin to feel drained and burdened by others. Quality alone time isn't distracting myself with my computer or food. It is spending time with myself as I would do with another person whose company I value. Tonight I get to go to the meditation component of my yoga training. It feels good to meditate with a group. The positive energy that I often feel from meditatiion builds when there are other people to meditate with. Do you think you are more of an extrovert or an introvert? How do you refuel? Do you need refueling now?

Dan

Last year Gary and I went to a workshop led by Ellie and Dan. I just read that Dan had major surgery to have a kidney removed in order to give it to a stranger. I have heard about people who have given their organs to people they don't know but never knew one of them. Ellie, Dan's wife, wrote about what he did under the heading of "My hero" in their e-newsletter. They do a workshop called TANJA, a series of ritualized group exercises for singles and couples to explore intimacy and sexuality. http://www.wildwiggle.com/ The next one is this weekend. Dan won't be there because he is recovering. Gary and I really enjoyed our Tanja experience. Check it out if you are interested.
When I heard about Dan I thought about how his sacrifice would ripple out to others. His wife will spend many hours nursing him to recovery after he returns from the surgery and his family and friends might be part of the process, too. He will miss work and not be available to fulfill various other responsibilities in his life. Other people might step up to shoulder these. All of these people including all of us who know him only a little will be inspired by his action. I can only imagine what it would be like to come to this decision.
I wonder how Dan heard about this young woman's story and became interested in helping her with a part of his own body? I wonder if it "just felt right" from the start or if he had to deal with his own fears and doubts all along the way. I wonder what it was like for his wife and family and friends to support him with his choice to alter his life in such a major way? It seems to me that it would take an extraordinary person who might not even see him or herself that way. Someone who had a sense of connectedness with others that went beyond what most of us feel toward our loved ones. I would gladly give one of my kidneys
to my daughter. Could I feel that same sense of effortless self-sacrifice
for someone I had no previous relationship with? Not at this point. It sure makes me think about how I could show up for other people. Maybe I could push myself beyond the ways I do now in my life to be there for someone else with compassion even when I am impatient or annoyed.
I think it starts with being able to feel compassion for myself
in the midst of my suffering. "I can understand that you feel that way.
I care about your suffering. May you be free from suffering" Bringing lovingkindness to myself in the midst of pain allows me to experience the tightness around my heart and release it. Bringing compassion to myself allows me to see other people's suffering with more compassion.If I can be accepting of my own grief, I can more easily empathize with the grief of another. Gently and lovingly holding myself in my fear allows me to have more understanding for another's fear. Maybe one purpose of suffering is to learn to bring compassion to ourselves and have practice to be able to feel that same compassion for someone else. Maybe it is part of the plan for us to become more aware of how we are all one? I want to remember this the next time I am suffering and my knee jerk reaction is to bully myself out of my pain. "Get over it" doesn't teach me to soften toward myself or others. "This is stupid" teaches me nothing about how we are all one. How can you be more compassionate toward yourself? What could you accept and forgive? What in yourself could you open your own tender heart to?

Myths

An update on the ten second rule that I just learned. According to this scientifically supported article I just read, what they call the five second rule, which is if food falls on the floor and is there for less than five seconds it is OK to eat it, isn't true. Germs don't care how long food is on the floor they climb on right away. I guess it was only wishful thinking. A lovely myth to keep from throwing out tasty morsels or tasty bowlfuls, on clumsy days.
Speaking of myths to let go of, I am in the process of letting go of one to which I have clung much more tenaciously than eating germ laden food.
For years I have defined myself as an active person. By my definition this means I do yoga practice and take a long walk daily. I hurt my knee in my yoga training and now I am having to rest. It is very challenging for me to rest. Being injured, I have permission until I am healed and even then I push it.
My body is not up for doing what it has done in the past and my ego is kicking and screaming. Although I am probably in better shape than I was in my twenties before I was consistently active, I have much less stamina. I want to learn to adjust my activity level according to what feels good to my body on a given day and still feel good about myself as a person. How often do I identify my worth by what I do? I have to do this and that to be OK.How often have I withdrawn my own love because I didn't live up to my expectations? Wouldn't it be better to let go of my expectations and embrace myself with love as I am? The first step is to be aware of what those expectations are. Then I am better able to honor my limitations and stretch myself. Stretching myself means resting as well as challenging myself physically. Being active in a mindful way rather than operating out of my shoulds, gives me a chance to listen to my body. I am getting better at listening to my body. Yesterday at my yoga training I modified all of the poses and even used a chair. It is helping me to see how to be a better yoga teacher in a class with students at different levels. It seems less painful to change the way I see myself than it does to be suffering so much because my body can't do what I have expected it to.
I am on shaky ground and when I let myself feel my fear I also feel held in love. It's kind of scary to not know who I am right now. I embrace not knowing and ask for the courage to let go of control and surrender. What is a myth or a rule or an expectation you have held about yourself that keeps you separate from your own love?

Fear

Today was very challenging. I found out that they arrested the man who robbed the yoga studio and that he is out on bail. He signed a restraining order to not contact me that has my name on it. I thought I was over my fear. It's scary that he has my name. I feel very vulnerable. I know he probably won't try to find me but he could. I called the police department and they said that in order to issue a restraining order for him not to contact me he has to know who not to contact. That makes sense to me. The woman on the phone said "Wouldn't you rather he had a restraining order?" I think the answer is yes. However, he had no idea who I was before that. This is an opportunity for my mind to cook up all sorts of worrisome stories about what could happen in the future. I am a very creative person and if I use my creativity to conjure up worst case scenarios I can terrorize myself. When I notice the image of a scary vision on my mental screen, I go underneath it to the fear that is in my belly. The vulnerability I feel now has triggered the vulnerability I felt when the robbery happened. It doesn't mean the work I did to release the fear at the time didn't work. It's another layer of the violation surfacing to be experienced and released. It is helping me to see the difference between a story about the fear and the experience of the fear itself. A story builds up the fear as it escalates into an even bigger story. The experience of the fear itself, although very scary at first, allows the fear to dissipate. I breathe full deep breaths into my belly. My belly feels tight and achey, my breath is short and choppy. As I breath my body shakes as waves of fear move over me and out of me. I let the sounds out and let myself cry. I realize the most wounding part is how cautious and mistrusting of strangers I have become since the robbery. The shock that a person could do something like this to me has generalized and clouded over some of my feelings of being connected to others.
The Buddha said,"Fear is always an anticipation of what has not yet come. Our fear and separation are great, but the truth of our connection is greater still. "
I know if I keep working with this fear that I will return to my sense of connection with all beings. Maybe I will return with a healthy measure of caution based on practical experience. Even though we are all one, there are people I don't feel safe with for all different reasons. It seems important to be discerning and let my decisions about how I protect myself come from mindfully using my intuition. Rules or knee jerk reactions based on fear create more fear. In my circle, I protect myself from the inside with boundaries so I don't need walls to protect myself from the outside. My reactions to what happens in my life can come from an open heart. I can keep my heart open if I allow myself to be present with what is happening now. Right now I feel afraid and I have a sense of being held in my fear. Being held, I feel safer and that everything will be alright. I am grateful.
What are you afraid of? What stories are you making up about it?
Would you be willing to go down into your body and feel it?