MOON

There is a full moon tonight. I just went outside to howl at it. At first I was judging my howling as sounding more like a hungry dog than a wolf. Than I got off it and appreciated that I was willing to howl at the moon, regardless of what my neighbors might think. Who are these imaginary neighbors who are outside on this cold winter night listening to me? Why do I care what they do or do not think? Take some time tonight to howl at the moon. O.K. how about opening the door and just looking at it. Grandmother moon is there shining her light. She doesn't care if we got through our to-do list today. I can see her in the sky above my computer screen. It is very comforting to connect with the moon. When my daughter was in India we used to send each other moon mail by staring at the moon and sending each other love. What a lovely ritual. Remember if you want to, to write or tell yourself five good things about your day. One of mine is connecting with the moon and sharing it with you.

STORIES

Tonight I went to a yoga class and saw a woman who I had done one couples counseling session with. I had assumed they didn't like the session because they didn't come back. Also at the class was someone who had come to one of my yoga classes and didn't come back. I made up a story that she didn't like the class.
I found out that neither of my stories were true. It was a good lesson that assume
makes an ass out of u and me ( ass & u & me). I notice that it is easy to take other people's choices personally and in my mind make them be about me. Some of the familiar stories I tell myself are about people rejecting me. This is a brain rut and in addition to usually not being true, these stories leave me feeling inadequate and crappy about myself. I'd like to bring mindfulness and compassion to myself when I am telling myself such a story. " Gee, that sure sounds like a rejection story to me. I must need some love for myself. What would feel soothing and loving right now? By bringing the focus on me being loving with me in the present it shifts me from looking outside myself for approval or , in these cases, disapproval. Maybe what would be soothing is to write self-appreciations or things I am grateful for in my journal or take a hot bath or rest on the floor. In this way I can use my story about the past as a vehicle to be loving to myself in the present. Then it is essential to appreciate myself for moving out of the brain-rut of external validation into internal validation. When I am mindful of the story I can also breathe into my heart and explore the feelings underneath the rejection story and be loving to myself about what that brings up. In that way I can begin to peel away the layers of history that trigger these stories and create more space inside my heart. What stories do you tell yourself?

Imperfection

Tonight in my vipassana meditation sitting group the leader talked about leading with his stomach into rooms and how his response to overeating is guilt. He said that although guilt is an attempt to get ourselves to change something, it is an unskillful way. Better to surrender to imperfection and be mindful and kind to ourselves about that. So instead of feeling guilty about being too tired to write anymore tonight, I will surrender to my imperfection and go to sleep. May you also surrender to your own imperfection. Sweet dreams!

Deathbed

I just finished watching a movie from the Spiritual Cinema Circle. This circle sends me five movies a month which I get to keep. Included are one feature film, one documentary, and two shorts. All of them have some kind of spiritual content and most of them are very good. (www.spititualcinemacircle.com)
The movie was called 5 wishes. It centered around asking yourself a question,
"If I was on my deathbed now, what would I feel had been missing from my life?"

The main character answers " I would have wanted to have a loving lasting relationship with a woman." This is also true for me about having a loving lasting relationship with a man. That is what I have always wanted and if I was on my deathbed today it would be what was missing. I talked to my boyfriend about the movie on the phone tonight. I have been working on opening my heart more fully to him and to our relationship. I told him I want to have a loving and lasting relationship and I want to have it with him. He said he wanted that, too. He has been the one holding the faith about our being together. Although, I have been full of fears and doubts, I always return to the awareness of the deep love that we share. Tonight I feel so grateful for that love.
If you were on your deathbed what would you want to have had in your life that you don't yet have? What might be the next step toward moving in that direction?

The Juice Guy

When I went to get juice today at the Wild Oats juice bar, I experienced a sense of community. I keep thinking I have to join some group and attend regularly to feel that sense of belonging. Community comes in many different forms. The juice guy, Cornelius was a master juicer and passionate about his craft. He was sharing his excitement about juicing with all of us. He made it fun to be taking care of myself with the delicious juice. He made me a vegetable juice from kale, celery, garlic, lemon, ginger and cucumber that left me zinging with energy for the rest of the day. The atmosphere was warm and inviting and I had a lovely conversation with a fellow juice drinker. I left feeling open-hearted and connected to the world. I so appreciate people like Cornelius who by their simple zest for living, inspire others to feel held in their inclusive alive space.

Couples

On the plane coming back from visiting my Mom I sat behind this couple who seemed to be really into each other. They were talking animatedly and were physically affectionate. They seemed very loving and relaxed and comfortable with each other. They also seemed to be having lots of fun. They were married-at least they both had on wedding rings, so I assumed they were married to each other. Their love radiated around them even though it wasn't gushy or dramatic. I realized that what it takes to be in a truely commited relationship is that both people are really commited to being together as they are. It doesn't mean one wouldn't want the other to change something, it just means that they wouldn't expect the change and be holding back their open-heartedness until they see whether the person changes or not. My sister says that even when she hates my brother-in law and wishes she was single she still isn't even considering leaving him. It seems to me that what has alluded me in the past is the recognition that all people are annoying and wonderful each in their own way and that chosing a partner means having the intention to accept another person for who they are, even the parts I can't stand. After all, there are parts of me it's hard to stand and it is still my intention to love myself as I am. The funny thing is change comes from love. I used to pound on my thighs and hate them and think that somehow they would get smaller. When I accepted my body as it was, with the intention of loving myself with the body I had, there was an unimpeded flow toward a more ideal weight. I think the same thing is true about relationship. If I can love my partner for who he is now
change is unimpeded. That is my intention.

Mom

I will be out of town from now until next Monday night. I will resume writing on Tuesday. I am going to visit my Mom who has alzheimer's disease. It is always a challenge to see her because the person that she is now is so different than who she was.
The last time I went to see her I accepted that this sweet often confused woman is my Mom, the Mom that she is now. I opened my heart to loving her as she is and the love flowed out allowing me to be grateful to be connecting with her, although in a different way. We used to have great talks and sometimes she was very critical. Now we spend more time just being and less time talking and doing. My mother, who was incredibly active in her earlier life, is teaching me how to hang out and be. Opening my heart also opens me up to the sadness and grief I feel about losing the Mom I knew. When I open my heart it is one faucet. When my heart is open to what is and I allow myself to feel the feelings that are uncomfortable there is also more room for joy. Thanks for being here with me. See you next week. Love to you,
Andrea