Butt and Bliss

I just returned from my first colonoscopy a few hours ago. The stuff I drank in preparation tasted disgusting-kind of like a combination of bad lemonade with a shot of kaopectate. The procedure itself was very uncomfortable but not horrible and over in twenty minutes. The nurse assigned to get me ready was a loving helpful positive irish redhead with a dry sense of humor. As they wheeled me away she said ,"have fun! She has a vipassana meditation practice which she said has helped her stay sane and sober. She was open to learning whole brain posture to help others soothe anxiety. ( legs crossed at the ankle, hands out to T, hands crossed and clasped in front of the body and brought either in to the heart or down onto the lap) I found it very useful today. I also used my circle, the brainspotting grid I have been practicing bringing in the little girl inside me and the new addition of two critters, the red fox and the black bear on the edge of my circle. I learned this technique from my new therapist. The critters are stationed at the edge of my circle to ward off things that I am worried about that aren't harmful to me and to warn me of things that are dangerous so I can do something about that. They have been very helpful in helping me alleviate anxiety and worry. They seem to enjoy their work and I am glad to have them onboard to add to my self-soothing.
Before the procedure I was afraid because my father had colon cancer and I have put off having a colonoscopy for ten years due to a combination of fear of the unknown and not wanting to spends the money. The doctor asked me what I was afraid of and actually listened to what I said. That was very helpful. I am relieved to know I Iam OK and relieved it is over. I want to thank my primary care doctor for going beyond encouraging me to edging on bullying me this year to get me to do this. I am also grateful to Gary for coming down from Gold Hill to Denver in the heat of summer which he hates, to take me and hang out with me.
I learned that if a person has noone with them to take them home after the procedure it is cancelled. Even though Gary and I live far apart we are available to each other for support and I feel very lucky. It's not all luck though. Being in an intimate relationship is a constant challenge. It's like living with a mirror in my face. Gary reflects back to me all the things I love about myself as well as all of the things I would rather go to the dentist than look at. Being single was a great way for me to pretend that some of the things I find most unacceptable in myself didn't exist.
Speaking of using a committed relationship to heal and grow I was gifted a movie called Bliss by a member of the women's spiritual support group that I facilitate. She asked that Gary and I watch it together. Sunday night was the first time we both had time and felt good about watching it. It is about a young couple who love each other very much and have many issues emotionally and sexually. Their courageous healing journey includes the man's mentorship with a tantric sex therapist and the women's discovery of childhood sexual abuse. It is quite explicit but not in an exploitive way and has some strong language. It is rated R aand was made in 2003. This movie had a strong impact on both of us. It triggered me into experiencing pain and helped me to move through it. For Gary it was an opportunity to underst6and what I am going through in a deeper way. We both cried and were very thankful to get to watch. The acting was superb. Terrance Stamp as the sexual guru was compassionate, skilled and very direct. The palpable powerful love between the couple was inspiring and felt so real. It was hard to imagine they were actors. I loved this movie and I wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone who wants to learn more about the origons of trauma and the healing capacity of love.